The New Normal

by Jennifer Ashton, M. D.

  At the very least, no matter who you are, where you live, or what you like to do, everyone has lost a sense of normalcy. And this is a real and profound loss.

  Even my mother has been moved to tears multiple times because she says she doesn’t recognize the world she lives in anymore—and at age eighty, her world isn’t very wide right now. That’s the degree to which the pandemic has changed what’s normal. And while some aspects of our pre-pandemic lives have already resumed or will continue to do so, in other ways nothing will ever be the same again.

  My point is: You don’t have to have a clinical diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or traumatic stress disorder to be suffering now. You simply have had to live through the pandemic.

  In May 2020, when everything was unraveling, I remember saying to GMA3 co-anchor Amy Robach that what I found particularly unnerving was that everyone’s emotional support network had suddenly shattered at a time when we needed that support the most. After I lost my ex-husband to suicide, for example, I went through some of the darkest days of my life. But despite the pain, what comforted me was knowing that others around me were strong. During the pandemic, we can’t rely on someone else’s strength because we’re all going through the same thing: We’re all dealing with loss.

  What Grief Can Look Like

  If you believe you haven’t been emotionally impacted by the coronavirus crisis, you may be in denial—the first of the five stages of grief, first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While the once-popular model is no longer widely used among psychiatrists—we’ve learned that people process grief differently and some even skip stages13—knowing a little about each stage can help you confront and eventually overcome your emotions:

  Denial: Refusing to accept a loss has occurred can help some minimize the initial pain and shock.

  Anger: Suffering through a loss can cause some to feel angry, frustrated, irritable, and/or anxious. Some may also look to place blame for the loss.

  Bargaining: This can occur when some begin to negotiate with themselves or a higher power to help mitigate the pain. For example, some might bargain by vowing, “Please, God, if I don’t get sick now, I’ll promise to start taking care of my health immediately” or “Once this is over, I’ll change X, Y, or Z.”

  Depression: Some will feel a sense of sadness once the reality of the loss sets in.

  Acceptance: Eventually, most will accept the loss and realize that they will be okay.

  It’s also important to recognize that it may take some people months or even years for the reality of our new normal to sink in. Just as this crisis impacts everyone differently, it also has a way of landing on people’s timelines that is both unpredictable and deeply personal.

  Looking In and Living Out

  Since the beginning of the outbreak, you’ve likely experienced a range of emotions—perhaps even more than once. Because our emotions have changed so much and everyone experiences things differently in his or her own time, there is no one-size-fits-all advice for the mental health struggles you may be facing.

  But just like the human spirit is universal, there are some universal truths in how we can address our emotions. The first group of strategies in this section are internal, meaning they can help you find the strength within to help you heal and build resilience. The second group of strategies are external, designed to help you connect with others outside yourself who can help steer you back to solid ground. I’ve used every single one of these strategies at different times and would encourage you to experiment to find the combination that works best for you.

  Self-Talk for Pandemic Living

  In our new normal, where things often feel upside down or uncertain, what you tell yourself is key to keeping your emotions in check. Self-talk requires self-honesty, though, along with the recognition that whatever you’re feeling is okay. Try not to judge yourself, fight your feelings, or pretend those emotions aren’t there. To heal, you need to be honest with yourself about what you are experiencing. There is no wrong answer.

  Acknowledge your loss. We’ve all suffered loss. The first step in mourning that loss is to recognize that it happened and that any negative emotions you might feel now exist for a reason. You don’t need to dwell on your loss, but don’t minimize or sugarcoat it, either. Acknowledgment opens the door to acceptance.

  Accede to uncertainty. I’ve said it on air multiple times: No one has a crystal ball. No one knows what will happen tomorrow—or two weeks or two years from tomorrow. This has always been true, but it’s even more applicable in a pandemic. Neither you nor I nor even Dr. Anthony Fauci knows how this will end or what our world will look like in the future. And that’s okay.

  Acceding to uncertainty can help you stop searching for answers in a cloudy crystal ball. It can help you learn to enjoy the moment and look to the future with open arms. What will be, will be. The future could be wonderful, it could be challenging, or it could be both, but that’s the beauty of life: When nothing is sure, everything is possible.

  Choose facts over fear. This simple mantra helped me overcome my own fears and anxiety. While raw emotions like sorrow, loneliness, and anxiety may feel real, they’re not based in facts—they’re your responses to a situation or set of circumstances. Identifying and focusing on what you know to be true instead of letting what you think or feel might be true can help change how you respond.

  For example, if you’re feeling anxious because you’ve lost your job, reevaluate your own set of facts. Is there a way to earn a living that you’re choosing not to pursue for some reason? Is there a way to use this as an opportunity to remake yourself or reenter the workforce at a higher level? Your answers are the facts. You don’t have to act on them, but identifying and reminding yourself of the evidence can turn unpleasant emotions into inner peace.

  Replace grief with gratitude. When we suffer a loss, no matter the scope, it leaves a hole in our hearts. We can either wallow in it or start to heal that hole by replacing our grief with gratitude. It can be difficult to be thankful in challenging times, but we can all find things to be grateful for, whether it’s your health, a roof over your head, a special relationship with a friend, or even the ability to purchase and read a book.

  You can also be grateful for the same thing you’re grieving—in fact, doing so can help you recover from a loss more quickly. For example, you may be upset that you can’t see your family in person, but you can be grateful that you have family in the first place.

  Let it RAIN. This easy-to-remember acronym, created by psychologist Tara Brach, stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture, which means recognize your feelings; allow them to exist; investigate why you’re feeling this way; and nurture yourself with self-compassion. It’s one of the most useful tools I’ve found that can help me slow down whenever I feel my thoughts or feelings are spinning out of control.

  RAIN may sound simple, but when you recognize your feelings, allow them to exist, and try to view your pain from a different perspective, you open yourself up to a new level of awareness and the fact that you are hurting. You can then try to give yourself the compassion you need, whether it’s in the form of forgiveness, reassurance, or simply self-love.

  Avoid self-soothing. Sales of booze and comfort foods like cookies and chips skyrocketed soon after the pandemic hit. While indulging in either can seem like a way to avoid pain and uncertainty, consuming too much alcohol or junk food usually just intensifies our troubles after the initial buzz of booze or sugar wears off. What’s more, drinking too much or eating too much sugar can harm your physical health, potentially making you more susceptible to COVID-19.

  Establish a routine. After your whole world shatters, creating a new safe haven can help ease your anxiety and loss. You likely haven’t been able to resurrect the daily routine you had before the pandemic, and that’s okay. Instead, just create a new routine and stick to it.

  Minimize the news. This may sound surprising coming from someone who delivers the news daily, but watchi
ng or reading media 24/7 might drag you down deeper into the depths of despair, according to mental-health professionals. Try unplugging for a few days to assess whether it buoys you up, mentally or emotionally. When I took on a mini staycation in July 2020, I didn’t turn on my television once or check news on my phone for nine days. I felt much more relaxed, not only because I wasn’t working around the clock, but also because I wasn’t engaging in the emotional overload news can trigger for some people.

  Find meaning in life’s little things. Several months after the pandemic hit, I found myself taking real pleasure in previously pedestrian activities like cutting the grass and cooking a new meal. Since I wasn’t able to accomplish things in other areas of my life, I realized that these everyday projects had taken on new meaning, especially when they offered a visceral sense of accomplishment, like seeing a freshly cut lawn or tasting a delicious new dish. Since then, I’ve learned to celebrate more of life’s little victories.

  When to Get Help

  If you’ve suffered from clinical depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or another mental-health illness in the past—or fear you might be experiencing an acute mental-health issue now—all the looking inward and living outward you can do may not be enough to help you heal. If you’re struggling, I would encourage you, whether you have a history of mental illness or not, to get help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, licensed therapist, or trained mental-health professional. There is no shame in asking for help—everyone needs a little from time to time, including doctors like me. Don’t know if you need help for a mental-health issue? If you’re considering the possibility, there’s no harm in speaking with a mental-health professional who can help you decide what you might need.

  Healing Yourself with Help from Others

  No one is an island unto themselves. We’re all human beings, and by our nature, we require connections with others to survive. While learning to heal yourself from within is crucial, looking to others to help you heal is incredibly important, if not imperative. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, needs help outside themselves. Here are a few tools to help you reach out to get the help you need:

  Know that you’re not alone. You may not be able to rely on others for strength and support, but you can rely on them for solidarity. We’ve all been through the same thing, and we’re all grieving. You’re not alone in this, which can be a comforting realization.

  Connect with friends and family. Human beings are social animals, and we crave connection with others. While it can be tempting to recoil inward when we’re hurting, doing so won’t help our physical, mental, or emotional health. Reach out to family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors as often as you can, even if it’s just to say hi.

  Connect with strangers. You’ve heard the saying Practice random acts of kindness. While doing so can make others feel good, it can also make you feel good. In other words, you don’t have to rely only on friends and family for social connection. Random acts of kindness can be small, like thanking restaurant and grocery store employees every time you see them, or remembering the name of the postal worker or delivery person you see every week. Also consider volunteering, whether through virtual channels or in person.

  Connect with animals. While we’re social creatures by nature, being with other human beings isn’t the only way in which we can fulfill our innate need to connect. There’s a good reason people cleaned out pet shelters during the pandemic: Animals can help satisfy our inner social animal and heal depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other forms of emotional trauma.

  Staying Sane as a Parent in Pandemic Times

  If you’re a parent, this pandemic hasn’t been easy. I know myself—I have two kids who lived with me for months during the initial outbreak. While both Alex and Chloe are college-age, they’re still my babies, and our new normal has presented us as a family unit with a whole new set of emotional challenges and issues.

  No matter how old your children are, you likely face a degree of anxiety over their health, along with uncertainty about how to best help them stay safe and deal with their own emotions in our new normal. In chapter 9, I’ll walk you through how to address each age group—whether your child is a toddler, young kid, preteen, or teenager, or in college—and the ways you can help them stay safe and feel safe right now.

  Just remember that their mental health depends partially on you. How you navigate the new normal will help to set the tone for them. Resilience, after all, is a learned behavior. While it may be challenging to be strong for yourself, try to be strong for them—sometimes having a cause larger than ourselves is all we need to break through our own emotional barriers.

  The Organizational Path to Resiliency

  I met philanthropist Judith Rodin several years ago at a retreat for women in California. We were both speakers at the event, and I was enraptured by what she had to say. Judith has been the first woman president of an Ivy League institution (1994–2004), the president of the Rockefeller Foundation (2005–2017), and a thought leader for years, but it was her book The Resilience Dividend: Being Strong in a World Where Things Go Wrong (Public Affairs, 2014) that really grabbed me.

  Rodin’s book explores how organizations, cities, companies, and communities can build strength and resiliency after catastrophic events, and I’ve been leaning on her ideas since the pandemic began. As a doctor, I knew her platform could be beneficial to individuals, too, and I’ve spent hours rereading her book, thinking about her guidance, and even talking about her strategy on TV.

  In the book, Rodin lays out five characteristics that can help organizations build resiliency. While some apply more specifically to cities, companies, and communities, there are two that I feel are extremely apt for the individual in the world we live in now:

  Awareness of your circumstances, strengths, and weaknesses

  Adaptability to fast-changing conditions14

  The first tenet—awareness of your circumstances, strengths, and weaknesses—is the basic premise of medicine. Every clinical patient evaluation starts like this, as doctors assess patients’ circumstances—how they’re feeling, their vital signs, their past medical history—and their medical strengths and weaknesses based on those circumstances.

  When it comes to your mental and emotional health, you can apply the same approach—again, I want to encourage you to think like a doctor. So take a look at your circumstances: Are you living alone? Did you lose your job? Do you have a network of friends with whom you can connect? Are you prone to anxiety or do you have a history of psychiatric issues? Now, assess your strengths and weaknesses: If you’re living alone, you’re more isolated than someone who lives with family or roommates. At the same time, if you have a close, connected network of friends, that strength can help mitigate the effects of isolation. Identifying circumstances, strengths, and weaknesses can help you play into your assets and address drawbacks before they become difficulties.

  The second tenet—being able to adapt quickly—is critical in a pandemic. As we’ve seen with the coronavirus crisis, things can change by the hour. That means we have to be ready and willing for whatever comes our way, rolling with it rather than allowing it to break us. Can’t see your friends or family in person? Don’t let it paralyze you but find new ways to connect remotely. Can’t work in a traditional office environment? Accept it and then try to turn your home—in whatever way you can—into a space that may be even better than your old office.

  Using Self-Care to Self-Heal

  While I am always still learning, I do know a thing or two about self-care—in fact I wrote a bestselling book on the topic: The Self-Care Solution: A Year of Becoming Happier, Healthier, and Fitter—One Month at a Time (HarperCollins, 2019). Even though I penned it before the pandemic hit, the advice inside has helped me considerably through the coronavirus crisis. If there was ever a time to stop, breathe, and nurture yourself, it is now.

  First, let’s clear up some confusion. Lots of people are baffled by wh
at self-care actually is—and rightfully so. Like lots of buzzwords (e.g., intermittent fasting, CBD, keto), the term has been misused, overused, and inaccurately portrayed. To me, the concept means taking the time to care for your psyche like a doctor or nurse would care for a patient. That may seem like self-help, but it’s not. Self-help, which was all the rage in the 1980s, implies that something inside you needs to be helped or fixed. With self-care, nothing needs to be fixed: You just need to be nurtured.

  How to best nurture yourself, then? There are countless ways to practice self-care, and just like every patient is unique, every body and soul is special. In other words, you don’t have to practice the same kind of self-care that your friend, colleague, or personal trainer does. Experiment to discover what best nurtures you and embrace it.

  Here are three areas in which to practice care, with my top suggestions of activities to try:

  1. Nourish your body. I believe that when your spirit is hurting, your body can help it heal. Here are some ways you can help nourish your body:

  Eat what you know you need. While curling up with a pint of ice cream or bag of chips might be appealing now, it’s not nourishing—and not what your body truly needs to feel good. Remember, self-care means treating your body like a doctor would a patient—and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream is not on the prescription pad. We’ll discuss the best ways to eat right for the pandemic in chapter 4.

  Move more. Physical activity is one of the most effective ways to self-care, with the ability to improve your body, mood, and mind. You don’t have to run a 5K or do an hour-long online aerobics class to benefit—simply taking more steps can help. For more on what you need to know about exercise in the pandemic age, see chapter 5.