by Mia Archer
I plan everything out. I do extensive research on my subjects before I decide to take out their relationship. I make sure they deserve to have their relationship taken to a nice farm in the country where it can run and play with all the other relationships that couldn’t quite make it. I want to make absolutely sure the relationship is rabid before I go to the back shed and off it with my gun.
The point is I’m always at my best when I have a plan. I’m not a good improviser. There, I’ve admitted my weakness.
The thing is there are very few times when I’ve found myself in a situation where I hadn’t prepared a lot of contingencies. I’m sort of like a relationship destroying Batman in that sense.
Only now, watching Darrell marching across the grassy area in front of the school? I was totally at a loss. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I was paralyzed because I’d never planned for a situation like this.
Though as I saw him marching his way across the grass I had a pretty good idea of who’d sent out that email to the breakup artist. Now the only question was why the hell he was marching up to Sandra right after she’d obviously broken up with her boyfriend.
Even though I had a pretty good idea exactly what was going on here. It didn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure that out. Socially inept dude with one hell of an inappropriately expressed crush on the pretty girl next door every girl wanted to be and every guy wanted to be with?
It didn’t take Spock to make that logical leap, is what I’m getting at. Oh, and Spock is the old dude with pointy ears from Star Trek. Pre-empting that since some of you seem to be having trouble with some of the geeky references I’ve been making. I guess you’re smart enough to ask what the reference is in the comments but too stupid to go to Wikipedia and look it up.
Honestly people. Geek is supposed to be chic right now. All y’all running around bragging about how geeky you are and you don’t even know who Spock is? Poseurs.
Man. I really am feeling punchy today as I write this. Can you blame me though? This is the day I found out one of my friends was a sneaky deceptive bitch and I watched one of my other friends have her heart broken and then get it trampled on by an idiot who doesn’t know when to stop.
Yeah, it was a bad day all around.
I know, I know. Here I am making it all about me when we should be focusing on what was happening with Sandra. I promise I’m getting to the good stuff.
Though for the life of me I can’t figure out why all you vultures out there are clamoring for a description of this from my point of view. It’s not like I can tell you anything about this you couldn’t see on all the videos that circulated when this all happened.
I know what you’re looking for, but the problem is I’m telling the truth when I say I had nothing to do with this breakup. There was no research. There was no painstaking search for dirt I could use to break them up.
You’ll have to ask Valerie about all of that. Or maybe I’ll get around to telling you how she did it if you keep coming back for more information.
How’s that for a teaser? Eat your heart out, Valerie. Want to scoop me and post all the terrible things you did on your blog first? You’ll get some eyes that way. Or are you going to hope I don’t actually have the dirt on you and this is all a bluff?
I guess everyone will have to keep reading to see how this bit of drama works out! Nice and juicy to keep you coming back.
Right. Sandra. I’m supposed to be telling you all about Sandra and what happened.
It’s really pretty boring when you get down to it. Sure it was pretty amazing seeing it playing out in realtime, but I think it’s really missing something in the retelling.
Darrell walked up to Sandra. He was wringing his hands together, or maybe he was dry washing them. Either way it was clear the guy was pretty nervous about whatever the hell it was he was about to do.
I stood and took a step towards them, but then Valerie was there putting a hand on my arm. If I knew now what I knew then I would’ve told her exactly where she could take her arm and shove it, but I didn’t know then what I know now. I still thought she was my friend so I held back and waited to see what was going to happen.
“Um, Sandra?” he asked.
She turned. Looked him over. It wasn’t a good look. Sorry, Sandra. I know you’re probably reading this and you’re probably pissed off because you think I was the reason this all happened to you.
Whatever. You already hate me so it’s not like pointing out that you didn’t look your best on that day is going to change anything.
Sandra looked at Darrell and for the first time since I met her back in middle school I saw something other than the nice friendly girl that everyone knew and loved. There was raw emotion there. Clearly she was still reeling from everything that just happened with Sean, and clearly Darrell was the last person she wanted to see.
“What the hell do you want Darrell?” she hissed.
Okay then. This was worth the price of admission alone. I’d never seen her break out the swear words before.
I wasn’t sure what to make of it. It was clear Sandra was working through some issues, and it looked like she was going to work through those issues by getting some of Darrell’s blood.
Not what he was probably expecting when he went up to her.
“Hold on Sandra,” he said, holding his hands up like there was a dangerous animal in front of him getting ready to rip him to pieces.
That probably wasn’t all that far from the truth. She looked like she was ready to rip into someone and she didn’t care who it was.
“Go away Darrell,” she said.
“No,” he said. “You were with that asshole for way too long. He was wrong for you, and you can’t even see it now that he’s treated you like this!”
Sandra turned several different shades of red. I shook my head and wondered if I shouldn’t go and try to intervene even though Valerie was still holding me back with a light touch.
Sure enough he was quoting from the lonely online virgin nice guy playbook. Any guy who a girl would actually date was a no-good asshole and the true nice guys were the ones girls didn’t want to date in their fucked up bubble.
It was a sad world to live in. Almost as sad as a closet case refusing to admit who she was to the world. Yeah, I totally realize I’m in a lovely glass house casting stones, but I don’t care.
“What makes you think I would ever be interested in you Darrell?” she shrieked.
Oh yeah. This was going to be good. Or bad, depending on your point of view. If you were, say, Darrell in that moment then things were starting to look very bad indeed. If you're the kind of person who sees drama about to go down and your first reaction is to get some popcorn, basically the kind of person I imagine is the prime demographic for what I'm writing here, then it was very good.
Darrell’s eyes went wide and it was clear he realized in that moment that Sandra was being nice to him all this time, but now he'd finally gone too far and the gloves were coming off.
20
The Slap
Ashley Timmons says
A wise man with an epic beard and a habit of taking a long time to finish books once said to beware the anger of a gentle man. Well I'd like to add to that rule.
Beware the anger of the bubbly nice girl who gets along with everyone. I don't know if all that anger had been boiling under the surface for a good long while or if it was one of those things where Darrell finally pushed her over the edge.
I have a hard time believing Sandra would be the kind of person who would have a lot of anger bubbling under the surface though. She’s never struck me as a Bruce Banner type.
One thing’s for sure though. She sure hulked out that day, and poor Darrell was the one in the firing line. Not a good place to be.
“You’re always coming up and trying to be all nice to me and I have a boyfriend. Had a boyfriend,” she said. Remembering that little detail only seemed to add to whatever pain she felt. “What kind of idiot comes up to a gi
rl and tries to give her flowers when she has a boyfriend?”
Darrell’s mouth worked but it was clear he didn’t have a good answer for that. Because he lived in a world where girls were supposed to fall on their backs and open their legs as repayment for him being “nice” to them or something. I don’t really know much about that toxic mindset.
Just enough to mock it mercilessly.
I wished I had some popcorn. I mean I know it’s not right to say something like that when I’m talking about one of my best friends having like the single worst day of her life, but it was so wonderful to see her finally giving Darrell a piece of her mind.
“God, you don’t have to be such a bitch!” Darrell said.
Pro-tip Darrell? Because I know you’re totally reading this and you probably still think you have a chance with Sandra even though she gave you a verbal beatdown? Calling a girl a bitch is not a good way to endear yourself to her. You might even say it’s the opposite of a good way to endear yourself to a woman.
“Fuck off, Darrell,” Sandra said.
Oh yeah. This was getting really good. I know I’d ever heard Sandra break out the big guns when it came to four letter words. Everyone else realized it too, because there was a collective intake of breath from everyone watching the fast-moving disaster rolling out in front of us.
Everyone knows what a nice girl she is. Like, all the time. No one ever gets her upset. No one ever breaks through that happy fun exterior.
But Darrell managed to do it that day. That’s some kind of accomplishment, asshole.
That last “asshole” was aimed at Darrell alone. Sure some of you in the comments are assholes, but I’m addressing one asshole in particular right now.
“I can’t believe this,” Darrell said, and he was muttering but it was still loud enough that everyone could hear it clearly because no one was saying anything. “The breakup artist was supposed to leave you wide open for me to swoop in! You girls are all the same, dating assholes and ignoring nice guys like me!”
If I really wanted to I could go on another rant about how deliciously ironic it was that Darrell was telling Sandra what a nice guy he was while screaming at the top of his lungs, his face purple, spittle flying from his mouth. I could go on about how deluded the guy is and how he’s never going to get what he wants as long as he pulls that bullshit.
But let’s be honest. The real bombshell was before he screamed at his object of affection about what a nice guy he was. The real bombshell was Darrell admitting that the breakup artist had something to do with what happened to Sandra that day.
That’s the reason everyone thinks I’m such a bitch. Once my secret identity got out everyone put two and two together and started talking about how I was the coldhearted bitch who was willing to break up my own best friend.
Well I didn’t have any idea I was involved in Sandra’s breakup until Darrell screamed that out.
It was a hell of a surprise. Sure there were a lot of people accusing me of being responsible for like every breakup that happened at our school over the past year, but this was the first I’d heard that I was directly involved in what was going on with Sandra.
It had the wheels turning in the old thinker. Someone out there had been trying to get me to take the case. Someone out there was trying to stir some drama, and might even know who I was.
What if that someone told Darrell that the breakup artist was on the case?
I glanced at Valerie and oddly enough she had a smile as she held her phone up and took video. She wasn’t the only person out there taking video that day, but she was the only person who surprised me by taking video.
I didn’t think she was the kind of person who would pull bullshit like that. I didn’t think she would try to convert our best friend’s pain into hits on her stupid gossip rag that they call a school paper.
Turns out I was totally wrong. That should’ve been my big hint that something more was going on with Valerie that day. How was I to know she was the one who’d secretly organized the whole thing though?
That was all stuff that wasn’t going to come until way later. Sure maybe that’s a spoiler or something, but come on. If you didn’t figure out she was up to some shady bullshit by now with all the hints I’ve been dropping then you need to go back to English class for a little while and figure out how to pick up on some subtext.
That wasn’t even subtext. That was in your face text.
Sandra stood staring at Darrell. She looked like she’d just been slapped.
“What did you say?” she asked.
Darrell looked like an animal who’d just seen two bright lights crest a hill and now those lights were barreling towards it rapidly on the strange hard surface it was crossing. It was usually always too late for those cute furry little woodland critters, and it was too late for Darrell too.
She grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him towards her. Which was a bit of an accomplishment considering the bulk she was pulling around, but then again gymnasts can be freaky strong so I don’t know why I was surprised that she could throw him around like that.
The look on Darrell’s face was really weird too. Like on one level he was clearly terrified and thought his life was about to end, but on another level I could tell he was thrilled that he was getting any sort of attention and physical contact from Sandra at all.
I know I keep ragging on the guy, but can you blame me when he pulls shit like that?
“Why did you talk about the breakup artist just now?” she said.
Her voice was a low growl. On the one hand, go Sandra. I don’t think I’d ever heard her sound like that before. She was really standing up for herself and it was something.
But on the other hand? There was something mildly terrifying about that voice. It was a voice that said she was going to do terrible things to anyone who crossed her, and I was painfully aware of the fact that if she thought the breakup artist had something to do with this that would put me squarely in Sandra’s crosshairs.
Assuming she somehow figured out who the hell I was.
“I didn’t say anything,” Darrell said. “Come on Sandra. Why don’t you let me go. Or if you want to keep this up maybe we could head down to…”
He cut off with a strangle. Mostly because Sandra chose that moment to tighten her grip causing him to make a choking noise.
“No bullshit Darrell,” she said. “I need to know why you think the breakup artist had anything to do with this.”
“Because the breakup artist did it,” he said.
“The breakup artist did it?” Sandra asked.
Again he made a little strangling noise. I was impressed that she was able to keep from throttling him. She was in a delicate state where I could totally see her doing something like that.
“Fine, I did it,” he choked.
“Louder. I didn’t hear you,” she said.
“I emailed the breakup artist!” he said.
Tongues in the crowd really started wagging then.
Okay, so let’s take a pause in the narrative here for a minute. Sure on one level we just had a moment where it looks like Darrell admitted to siccing me, the breakup artist, on Sandra’s and Sean’s relationship. That’s certainly how everyone took it. That’s what all the comments say happened on all the videos people took that day.
Y’all are a bunch of mouth breathing knuckle-dragging morons. Because that’s totally not what happened that day at all.
Let’s review what Darrell said that day. This is one time when I know I’m not making stuff up out of the thin air because we have all those videos. Videos that tell the story for me. I’ll even link to a couple of them down at the bottom so you can go take a look for yourself and see that everything I’m saying here is the absolute truth.
He said he emailed the breakup artist. Just that he emailed the breakup artist. We’ve already established earlier in my story that someone emailed me looking to break up Sandra and Sean.
So far, so good. Right? No. Not righ
t. Not right at all.
Pretend for just a moment that you were actually paying attention in English class for all these years and not trying to sneak a text to whatever person you were crushing on at the moment. Now imagine that you’d paid attention to the parts about reading comprehension.
Darrell said he emailed the breakup artist. He never said anything about the breakup artist saying he or she would do something.
Because I’m pretty sure he was the idiot who was emailing me. He wanted them broken up, his reasons should be pretty obvious, and anyone paying attention should also remember I didn’t want anything to do with it.
I might be a bastard, or a bitch, whatever b-word you want to toss at me in the comments, but I have standards. I’m not going after one of my friends without a very good reason.
I didn’t go after one of my friends. There you have it. I don’t expect anyone to believe me considering all the crap I’m getting and all you people telling me I’ve already admitted I’m lying in parts of this story, but I’m not lying about this one.
That doesn’t change the explosive end to this part of the story though. The slap heard ‘round the world. Everyone’s seen it at this point. I might even link to the autotune remix that someone did.
Sandra shrieked. It didn’t sound anything like my BFF. Her shriek was inhuman. Like something from a creature from another world. And the slap reverberated through the silence.
It didn’t sound anything like when someone slaps someone or punches someone in a movie. I guess there’s something different about the real thing versus a recording of a sound guy slapping a side of beef or something.
Darrell stumbled back. He looked like he was about to say something, or maybe even do something. His fist clenched then raised. I guess he went over the edge too. Well, more over the edge than he already was.
Only before he could do anything he'd regret school security was there pulling them apart and escorting them away.