Guilty as Sin

by Rita Hestand

  "Well hell Ed, it's hard work for six to eight months on a drive in all kinds of weather, killing Indians and chasin' steers all over the countryside. A man has a right to celebrate what he done, don’t you think."

  "I guess. But at the rate I'm going I guess I'll never get married." Ed sighed.

  "Well, who knows, night Joe."

  "Night Ed."

  Later, when they bedded down, Moon watched them closely. Then he pulled away from Lissa and told her softly, "We must go now."

  She nodded.

  They quietly climbed down, and when he reached bottom ground, he reached to take her down. It brought them close and he stared into her eyes. "Come," he barely uttered.

  He took her hand and led her out of the camp. From there they ran for several miles until she began to stumble over things, rocks, logs. It was dark there was little moonlight and she was clumsy in those boots.

  When he thought them safe, he stopped.

  "We'll camp here and have no fire tonight." He told her.

  She nodded.

  "Are you tired?" he asked her.

  "Yes, and sleepy." She told him. "I'd rather run or walk than stand still in a tree that long." She chuckled.

  "Good, get some sleep and first light we will leave." He told her, handing her the blanket.

  When they laid down, she finally asked the question he was dreading all along, "So why'd you kiss me?"

  "I told you, it wasn't intended to be a kiss." He frowned, wondering why she was still harping on the mistake he made. "I'd have thought you would have known that, or at least forgotten it by now."

  "Maybe that was your intention, but I certainly know when I've been kissed." She told him and turned away from him. "And a woman never forgets a kiss."

  "It was meant to protect, to shut you up, so we would not be found." He told her. "But in case you don't know it, you weren't exactly still yourself."

  "You could have put your hand over my mouth, instead." She protested turning back to look at him.

  "Alright, I apologize. Happy now?" he asked.

  "No! I didn't want an apology."

  "What did you want?" he asked softly, his soft lips curling a bit.

  She sent him a frown, "Never mind, goodnight."

  He chuckled and rolled over away from her.

  She turned to stare at his back. "Those men back there, seemed harmless, why did we wait until they were asleep?"

  He turned to look at her. "Because my skin is different than yours and they would have a very wrong idea about us being together. Despite the fact that you trust me, and you do not seem to see color in people, it is not a usual thing for an Indian man to be with a white woman, in any circumstance. And I'm sure you heard them say they killed Indians. They'd probably think I took you hostage or something."

  She nodded, "I guess you are right, they did say that. It's just they seemed so normal."

  "They were probably good men. But even good men think wrong things when something doesn't look right. And I'm afraid we don't look right, especially with that torn dress."

  "Well, I'm sorry, but I had no time to change clothes."

  "Yes, I know that."

  "When I first saw you, I didn't think in terms of you being an Indian. I mean, you saved me from being accosted, and I thought you a strong and brave man. But others do not think the same way, I understand what you were saying about it. It's hard to understand why people don't judge each other by who they are, not what they are. I guess you think me a bit crazy for a white woman to not be afraid of you."

  "It is…" he thought a moment on his words. "Very unusual."

  "Do you think me crazy?"

  "No… now go to sleep."

  He would never tell her how much he enjoyed the kiss. Nor how long he would remember it, either. He had to keep her safe, not romance her. But the very fact that she did not judge him by his skin, that she trusted him so easily endeared her to him. He'd never met a white woman like her before.

  They walked that next day, and she wondered why he had slowed down?

  "Walking takes less energy, and we will not tire as quickly. Besides, we have come a long way, and no one has come with a gun to stop us. I think we will be safe now."

  "I wouldn't bet on that. I guess because I know my father." She replied. "He'll want some kind of revenge for all of this."

  "All of what?"

  "I can't really expect you to understand it all. You see, he lost his cook, and housekeeper and his best drinking buddy all in one day. What do you think?"

  He stared.

  "There's another reason I had to leave."

  "Oh, what is that?"

  "If I'd told my Pa what Earl tried to do, and then Earl was dead, he might try something then with me. I mean, he might think it was alright to try himself. Only when he was drunk, problem is, he stays drunk most of the time any more. And he might have held the murder over my head, to get me to comply."

  "My God, would he do such a thing?"

  "In his drunken state, yes. He would. Why do you think I didn't sleep?"

  They were climbing a ledge and he helped her up. She looked into his eyes for a moment, then moved away. That same sensual light was still there, only magnified with awareness now.

  "You think he's that determined to get you back?" He asked.

  "Oh, I can assure you, it's not me, personally. He has a white slave he doesn't have to pay or yell at to get to work for him. Someone who fixes his meals, laundries his clothes and takes care of his home. Why would he want to get rid of me? But, what I'm afraid of, is if he does want to be rid of me, this will give him the chance. He can have me arrested and never have to worry about me again. Which he might consider a real advantage. He could live exactly how he wanted to then. As I do tend to nag him about his drinking."

  "Would you want to go back with him?"

  "No, never, I'd scrub floor before I'd go back." her word was simple and direct, and Moon stared. She said it as though he should have known her answer. "I don't like being a slave. And frankly I've enjoyed being able to sleep these past few days."

  "Good point. Then we will be ever watchful."

  "Your only problem is being with me, and my dress in such sad array. If not for that, you would be in no danger."

  "Would your own father turn you in?" he asked with a smirk.

  "I don't know. But he wouldn't be happy that Earl was dead, and he might be bitter about it." she frowned. "Although it would be a way of really making a slave of me, holding the murder over my head. Either way it would be very unpleasant. I can't go back now. I'm sorry, I know you are probably tired of my talking about it and ready to be rid of me, yourself. I wouldn't blame you."

  "You have a temper when you are tired." He told her.

  "I'm sorry, I don't have any reason to snap at you. I am tired. I'm not used to walking and running so much. Nor standing in a tree so long. Walking and running is better than being still that long."

  "Well, maybe that's why I kissed you to take your mind from it."

  "Is it?" she seemed a bit anxious to know the truth.

  He looked away, "N-no… "

  She grinned. "We're back to curiosity, then."

  "It would seem, yes. Do you want to rest?"

  "I'd love to rest, if it was safe. My feet hurt in these boots."

  "Then we will rest."

  "Where? We're out in the open, anyone could find us, if they tried." She wailed.

  "Come, I know a place we can hide out."

  "You do?" she looked shocked. He took her hand and smiled.

  "Yes, come along." He told her.

  It was a cave, but someone had set it up like a cabin with a homemade bed, a stove and a hole at the top like a teepee. "Did someone live here?" she asked.

  "It was once a hide-away for fur trappers in the winter to take shelter from the cold and snow. Jack and I found it some time ago and fixed it up a little. It is like a refuge for anyone needing shelter. We left it that way, so anyone in a bin
d on the trail could take shelter. Some people leave their homes, and they leave food, and comforts there for others who travel along the way. It has been a custom for some time. Come, I want to fix your boots so they will be more comfortable."

  He brought branches to cover the entrance so no one would know they were there.

  She sat on the edge of the makeshift bed. It was hard, but it was a bed of sorts.

  "Go ahead, lay down, rest. Take your boots off so I can stuff them. I'll needs some of that petticoat of yours." He told her.

  She took her boots off.

  She tore some of her slip and gave it to him and he stuffed the boots as he folded the material neatly. "It will keep your foot from sliding about in the boots so much."

  He took something out of a barrel and brought it for her head. It was a pillow.

  "Where'd that come from?" she looked up at him as he tucked it under her head.

  "Jack, he always wanted a pillow. I finally made him one."

  "Are you and this Jack close?"

  "He's like a second father to me, yes. He's a good man."

  "Do you live with him now?"

  "Sometimes. I had gone to Ridge City to sell some mustangs. I was on my way back when the storm hit. Your barn looked tempting in such a hard rain. All the lights were out, so I assumed it would be easy to sleep there until dawn at least. The lightning was really bad. I didn't expect anyone to come in before sunrise."

  "I used to get up very early, I have to do my chores before I go to teach school. Are you a mustanger then?"

  "At times, yes. We do it for extra money."

  "Is this Jack a good miner?" she asked staring up at him.

  He grinned, "We make enough."

  "Why aren't you married Moon?" she asked out of the blue. "I'd expect a man your age to be married with children."

  He shot her a flirty smile. "Most Indian men do not marry early in life as the white man does. An Indian must have many horses, and a way to provide for his bride. Why aren't you?"

  "Maybe I'm too ugly, maybe I'm too independent, or maybe I haven't met the right man yet!" she chided.

  "You're certainly not too ugly," he smiled.

  "I know this will sound strange, maybe even a little forward, but I've never been kissed like you kissed me," she murmured. "I have to admit, I was a bit shocked. Men don't usually kiss me like that."

  "Like what?" he asked a bit aggravated that she hadn't forgotten it.

  "Like they—enjoy doing it." She firmed her lips now and frowned.

  "That was a mistake," he affirmed. "And should be forgotten."

  "Was it? It was the best kiss I ever had!" she replied. "How could I possibly forget something that good."

  "Then you have had very few." He chuckled.

  "That's true… " she sighed and rolled over to go to sleep. But unable to let it settle she added. "Earl was a drunk," she murmured, "his kisses always smelled of whiskey. I did not like it. I tried to discourage him from it, but the more he came around, the more he kissed me."

  "Is he the only man you ever kissed?"

  "Lord, no, this may sound strange but, the few men I've kissed I didn't know very well. And there was rarely a second kiss from them. I think there is something very wrong with me. Men actually shy away from me. And you are probably right, it is my incessant talking that bothers them. Like I'm bothering you."

  "There is nothing wrong. Perhaps you have been around the wrong kind of men. Or like you said, you didn't know them well enough, or like them well enough"

  "That's the truth. There was a time I thought if I could find a man of my own, my father would quit throwing Earl at me. But the problem was, I wasn't interested in them. When I became a schoolteacher, it was impossible to have someone court me. So, I resigned myself to being an old-maid schoolteacher."

  He stared at her for a long time before he ever closed his eyes that night.

  ***

  When she woke, he was roasting something over the fire.

  "You went hunting?" she asked propping on an elbow to watch him.

  "Yes, we have to eat to keep up our strength." He chuckled.

  "Smells good. What is it?"

  "Snake."

  "Snake?" She repeated making a face, her nose wrinkled up and she got to her feet to come and sit beside him by the fire. "Really, we're going to eat it?" She shrieked.

  "It tastes very good. Something like beef steak." He told her. "Have you never eaten it?"

  "No, never. I've heard people say it is good, but it's hard to believe. I mean they have kind of an odor about them."

  "Then you shall have your first snake." He grinned.

  "Did you sleep well?"

  "Actually, better than I've slept in a long time. You think it's because I'm out in the open, in fresh air?"

  "No," he shot her a quick appraising glance. "I think it's because you are not afraid here." He glanced at her.

  Her grin faded. She nodded. "You may be right. I like the sounds of this Jack, I’m eager to meet him. Tell me about him, what is he like?"

  "He's in his fifties, had a wife and kid a long time ago, they were killed in the war. After that, he never married again. He reads the bible, he works in his mine, and he likes animals."

  "His wife and child were killed in the war? How?" She turned so she could watch him turn the spit.

  "It is gruesome, do you still want to hear it?"

  "Yes, very much," she stared at him now.

  "He was a known southern sympathizer during the war between the states. He often spied for the confederate army. His wife had a grand house in the south and they moved there. He was on a spy mission, when the yanks came to their home. They didn't know there was anyone in the house, it was dark, and they knew he was not there, and they torched it. His wife and little girl died in the fire."

  Lissa's mouth flew open, tears came into her eyes as she stared at Moon. "My God! They didn't take time to even look?"

  "No, in this big war, it was often done in a rush to move on to new territory." He saw how effected she was, he saw the tears that didn't fall, and was amazed that she could feel so deeply for someone she didn't know. "Jack never really talks about it. He told me after I'd been living with him a while. He never remarried. He carries a picture of them to this day. He loved them truly."

  "To love someone that deeply and lose them like that, is very hard to get over." She spoke with a sadness.

  "You speak as though you have been through it yourself."

  She nodded sadly, "When my mother died."

  "I am sorry."

  "When she died, I was twelve, and I went on living, but I felt dead inside for a long time. I don't ever what to feel that way again. It took two years to get over it, and it stills stays in my heart. We were very close, especially after my real father died."

  Her glance drifted over his powerful arms and lean build. She shouldn't be looking, but he had turned away, he didn't see her staring. She remembered what it felt like being in his arms. She didn't want to remember, but it was there in her heart. She remembered the kiss too. Too well in fact. It warmed her to her toes. She'd never been kissed so thoroughly in her life. She remembered Earl's sloppy whiskey kisses and grimaced. Such a difference in the two men.

  Talking about her mother now, seemed like good therapy for her. She hadn't had anyone to confide in for years.

  She couldn't help but think of the kiss again. She mused that it was the first time anyone had kissed her that she enjoyed it. Realizing too, that she was a participant made her think on it more. She'd been told many times she wasn't a good kisser. But most of the kisses she'd had were planned and announced and she probably either tried too hard or not enough. Still, the reaction of the men that kissed her were not impressive.

  She'd always been afraid to care about anyone after her mother died, and she knew why. She never wanted to hurt from losing someone she loved. It was unreasonable, but it was her thinking. But she wouldn't soon forget the kiss, even though it wasn't
wise. It was strange that Moon didn't comment on it. Most men did comment that she had no reaction to them. He seemed startled she'd responded at all.

  "Did I kiss alright?" she asked awkwardly.

  "What?" he turned around and looked at her his face almost angry.

  "Well," she felt uncomfortable now, talking about it. Obviously, Moon didn't want to talk about that kiss any longer. "I'm sorry Moon. I mean, most of the men I've kissed never acted as though they wanted another. Your kiss was different. I wondered if it was me, or you or just the circumstance. It is something I am not educated in. I feel dumb about it. Does that make sense."

  "It was fine, I thought we'd settled it."

  "Then obviously, I didn't impress you either. There is something very wrong with me. I can't even do that right."

  He put the snake off the fire but close where it would stay warm. Then he whirled around to stare into her innocent face. "If you are asking if I enjoyed it, then yes, I did."

  She smiled, "Really?"

  "I thought we'd settled this discussion once and for all. I'm getting some strange sensations from this kiss thing. You act as though you are a stranger to it. And yet when I kissed you, you responded with a fire, as though you knew exactly what you were doing."

  "I did?" she smiled her heart thumped hard in her chest? He would never know how much she appreciated what he said. How could he?

  Then he realized her real innocence, she'd never enjoyed a kiss before. Strange for a woman of her beauty not to know about such a thing.

  "Let's eat!" he told her.

  She couldn't allow herself to like Moon too much. She realized what came from caring. It hurt when a loved one was lost. Hurt so bad. Still, how did one not care when someone took care of you. No one had done that for her since she was twelve and her mother died. "I hate to leave you sweetheart," her mother had told her.

  "Are you going somewhere, Mama?" Lissa had asked.

  "Yes darling, a place you cannot go right now. But one day we'll be together again."

  "Oh Mama, don't leave me!" she had cried.

  But three days later her mother was dead, and so was all the love that she'd ever known.

  From that day forward, everything changed. Lissa had gone through the motions of life, but she wasn't a participant in it.