Love in Season

by Thibodeaux, Pamela S. ;

  A heavy sigh came across the phone. “I think Sandi realized the same thing tonight,” Karla said. “I’ll tell you like I told her: you need to be a whole person before you can be half a couple.”

  “I know. Pray for me will you?”

  At her assurance she would, Brett rang off. He called Sandi’s number again and left an apology and request that she call him at her earliest convenience. He then took a shower, crawled into bed and prayed for God to show him his next step.

  It took three days for Brett’s phone to ring. Sandi’s name flashed on the screen. He rolled away from his desk and walked to the office window overlooking the city park. “Hey there.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  The stiffness in her voice belied the words but Brett chose to let it pass.

  “Me too. How’s Candie doing?”

  “She’s teething. Pretty miserable.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  “As matter of fact there is.” Her voice had hardened another degree.

  His heart lurched then set off at a gallop.

  “You can come visit or take her for the weekend or something. I could use a break, and I’m sure she misses you. You could also help out financially. I’m back in school and Karla’s been gracious enough to refuse what little I can offer, but that’s not fair to her and there’s no way I can work, take care of Candie and go to school.”

  “How much do you need?”

  A snort preceded her words. “Brett, I’m sure anything will help.”

  “You still have your bank card, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “Well use what you need to.”

  “I’d rather use what you allow. Don’t ever want it said I’ve overspent or taken advantage of you.”

  This time Brett literally cringed, but he bit back on the anger and frustration at the venom in her voice. “Should I mail you a check?”

  “That or you can bring it when you come to pick Candie up.”

  He cleared his throat and prepared for her reaction to his next words. “That’s just it, Sandi, I’m not sure when that’ll be. I made the team. We practice every evening and on weekends. Except for Sunday. Season starts in less than a month.”

  “Just send a check, then.” She hung up before he could say another word.

  ****

  Sandi ground her teeth and swallowed the emotions clogging her airways. His mistress won out, he made the team. She burst into tears. Sandi folded her arms on the kitchen table, buried her face in them and let the emotions storm through.

  Spent, and oddly calm afterward, she got up and splashed cold water on her face and then patted it dry with a paper towel, glad Karla was out at the moment. At least she wouldn’t have to face her cousin’s anger along with the torrent of feelings roiling in her own heart.

  Sandi ripped another paper towel off the roll and carried it with her to check on Candie who was fast asleep in her crib. Picking up her journal, she carried it and the baby monitor with her into the sunroom. She settled herself on the cushion in front of the altar, lit a candle and prayed.

  Help me, oh Lord, to know what to do.

  She sat still until words started to flow in her journal. Pain, anger, and frustration poured forth, filling the pages until peace and clarity shone through. Although she was unsure as to how much she should support Brett in his dream, she would let him live it. She wouldn’t, however, be his groupie. She would continue working toward her degree which would enable her to support herself and her daughter should the need arise. And somehow, some way, she’d repay her cousin for all Karla had done for them. Not monetarily of course, as Karla would never accept that, but somehow Sandi would not let Karla’s generosity be in vain.

  Two days later she received a nice fat check from Brett. Sandi opened a checking account and used the funds to replenish Candie’s and her own personal needs. Then she splurged and took Karla out for dinner while the baby stayed with her parents.

  Karla ordered them each a glass of wine then raised hers in a toast. “I’m so proud of you.”

  Sandi touched her glass to Karla’s. “And I’m so grateful to you. I couldn’t have done this, any of this, without your support and guidance. Even my parents don’t understand, much less support my decisions the way you do.”

  Karla’s smile was rich with compassion. A hint of laughter lit her midnight gaze. “Our parents are old school. Nothing wrong with that, but life is progressive. Always moving. Always evolving. Always expanding. And if we stay stuck in our ways of doing things, and ways of thinking and don’t evolve with it, we’ll never live up to our potential. The key is to allow people to be who they are, let them travel their own journey and realize that, although their ways may influence us, they don’t have to control us. We’re all here, on this planet, in this realm to do specific things for God and our fellow man. Even for our planet. But realizing that and choosing to live and walk in it is up to each individual person. Our job is not to judge or criticize, only to love and to guide.”

  Sandi nodded. “You know, I’ve always felt there was so much more depth to life and spirituality than I learned growing up, but never in my wildest dreams would have imagined the closeness I could feel to God.”

  Karla acknowledged her words with a slight nod then spoke. “Faith is an internal compass on our path to God. Whatever tools we use to sharpen and grow our faith, again are as personal and unique as the individuals incorporating them into their worship practice. Thing is, personal and spiritual growth is an ongoing process. Sure, there are times of rest and recovery, but we should not get complacent but strive to reach that next level until we recognize God’s hand in all things.”

  The waiter brought their food. Sandi contemplated her meal for a few minutes then smiled at her cousin. “I’d like to do what you do, Karls. I’d love to help others discover their truth, explore their depths and strive for their highest potential with God.”

  Karla’s pleasure was palatable. “Well there’s no shortage of need for more life or spiritual coaches. Concentrate on getting your life in order, get your degree, and then I say go for it.”

  Sandi hesitated, took a sip of wine, a bite of food, and then put a voice to the feelings swirling inside. “I wonder if I even want this particular degree. In fact I’m seriously considering changing it or dropping school altogether.”

  Karla’s brow raised.

  “Only this particular school, Karls, not my education. I just don’t know what to go into, but I’d like to be in the counseling and perhaps ministerial field.”

  Karla too, took a few minutes to contemplate her meal before answering. “Then I suggest you spend a lot of time in prayer and ask God what He wants you to do, then ask for help and guidance to move in that direction. Think about it, Sandi. What’s your passion? What brings you the most joy?”

  Sandi sighed, took another sip of wine then put the glass down. “I’ve always loved graphic design and art in general, but since my last conversation with Brett and the revelation that occurred while praying and journaling, I’ve been rethinking my life plan.”

  Karla arched her brow in question. “Would you care to expound on that revelation? Remember, as your coach, you don’t have to tell me anything, but as your cousin I’d like to know how you’re doing. Really, deep down honest, how are you?”

  Sandi smiled. “We’ve shared our lives forever, Karls and I’m really, deep down honestly doing OK. As for the revelation, I realized I deserve to be treated with equal respect as my husband. Not that he ever dishonored or disrespected me in the way that some people do. You know, abuse and all that. But my dreams, my desires are just as important as his. And that wholeness you talked about, wholeness of heart, of spirit, I’ve never really felt that, and I want to now.”

  “Attaining wholeness can be a lifelong process.”

  “I realize that. I also realized that once Brett and I married, I put all of his needs, his dreams, and his plans ahead of my most basic need, the need for self -e
xpression. I didn’t give a voice to my soul or even what I wanted in any aspect. Not in love, not in marriage, not in equality on any level. It was all about Brett. Then, after Candie came along, I got shoved even farther down the list.”

  “That happens with a lot of women, Sandi. You’d be amazed at how many. We have a God-given nature to nurture—even women who work outside the home—but for women who choose to stay at home, there’s greater risk of losing yourself. Society has shifted from holding ‘caretaker’ up as an honorable choice. It’s so easy to go to work, put kids in daycare or elderly parents in a facility, and so women who choose to stay home are now fighting a stigma that society has placed on that choice. It puts added stress on your emotions. And that stress creates a see-saw effect. For a while you do all you can to put your husband and kids first because that’s what you’re supposed to do—all the while, in the back of your mind, seeds of resentment can grow because society says you’re crazy for living the way you’re living. Then, you start to feel as if you don’t matter, because you’re not ‘living up to your potential’ or accomplishing anything important, because, after all, taking care of your family isn’t as important as taking care of yourself.”

  Karla sipped her drink, took another bit of her dinner then continued. “And, in a way, that’s true. We do have to nurture ourselves—especially our spiritual selves, because how can we love our neighbor as ourselves if we don’t love ourselves? But again, we have to find a balance. There are roles for husbands and wives laid out in the Bible, and when lived out properly by both spouses, marriage is actually beautiful. No one gets lost, because each spouse is fulfilling the needs of the other the way it’s supposed to be.

  “The problem in your marriage, Sandi, isn’t that you did anything wrong by seeing to the needs of your husband and daughter. The problem was that Brett wasn’t loving you the way Christ loves the church.”

  Karla paused, and the silence hovering over the table made Sandi’s heart beat a little faster. She knew that silent pose. Karla was getting ready to say something critical. Sandi mentally braced for what was coming.

  “You have some culpability in that, Sandi, because you should’ve talked to Brett about it. Told him how you felt, maybe took a course or counseling that taught you guys how to live out your Biblical roles. But ultimately, you couldn’t force Brett to hold up his end.

  “And that’s where nurturing yourself also comes in. We are to look after our spouses, but we can’t rely on any other human being to make us happy. Only God can accomplish that, so we have to put our spiritual health first. If you take care of your spiritual health, everything else, including your hopes and dreams, will fall into place—even if your spouse is a self-centered jerk who puts sports above his own wife.”

  Sandi laughed lightly at Karla’s bluntness. She nodded. “And that’s exactly what I haven’t done. But no more. And I’d love to help others do the same, to find balance between what they feel they have to do and what they want to do with their life.”

  “So have you considered what changes you’d have to make in your curriculum to achieve that end?”

  Sandi shook her head. “Not really. I’ve had a lot of different thoughts and ideas, but none of them seem to be substantial enough or make any sense when it comes down to it.”

  She took another sip of wine, listened to the whispers in her heart. “I’ve always loved fitness and nutrition, but have no desire to work in a clinical or hospital environment even though that’s where the money really is. And now....”

  “Now what?”

  Tiny bubbles of heat burst beneath her skin and fear rose to strangle her words as a new dream emerged in her heart. Sandi shook her head. “A silly pipe dream.”

  “I’ve found that what most people deem a silly pipe dream turns out to be their soul’s calling.”

  Sandi choked down the insecurity with another sip of wine, looked her cousin in the eye and confided in the one person she knew would never judge or try to talk her out of her innermost desires. “All this journaling has brought back the dream of writing.”

  A smile lit up Karla’s entire face. “Yes,” she said with an emphatic pump of her fist. “You’ve always been great at stringing words together for maximum impact. I think it’s a wonderful dream!”

  “But how am I going to support myself and Candie by writing if things don’t work out between Brett and me?”

  “By not limiting yourself,” Karla answered. “You are a terrific artist, you love fitness and nutrition, you were the best cheerleader so you’re great at encouraging people, and you write like a seasoned professional. Talk to your guidance counselor at school. Maybe branch off into journalism or psychology or kinesiology but add in some creative writing courses. Or, better yet, change to a BFA or MFA for that matter, with emphasis on writing. There are so many options...editor, copy editor, copywriter, teacher... and, with your artistic ability, the opportunities are endless.”

  “You really think so?”

  Karla nodded.

  “But what if things do work out with my marriage. How would I put it all together then and still be able to take proper care of my husband, household and daughter. I’d love to have more children too.”

  “It’ll work out because you’ll keep studying and growing and there’s always the option of working from home.”

  Sandi blinked back tears at Karla’s sheer faith in her and raised her wineglass in salute. “Talk about a great cheerleader.”

  Karla touched her glass to Sandi’s and smiled.

  ****

  Brett waved in response to Joe’s goodbye and then bent to tie his shoes. He straightened, slung his gym bag over his shoulder and walked out of the locker room. The emptiness he’d felt the last few weeks hadn’t lessened as the season opener approached, as he’d hoped. In fact, the idea of playing, of winning a game with no one there to support him, to cheer him on, was pretty grim indeed. His cell phone rang. Brett looked at the name that flashed across the screen. He grimaced then answered. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Hey, Brett, haven’t heard from you or Sandi in a while. How’s everything and how’s my beautiful granddaughter?”

  Brett cringed and cleared his throat. “Uh… well, Dad, I’m doing fine. Made the team….”

  His words trailed off at his father’s triumphant yelp.

  “That’s wonderful! When does season start? Maybe Mom and I can come down and watch you play or better yet, park the RV somewhere nearby and stay for the season, maybe follow the team.”

  He wouldn’t have to be alone after all. The excitement he tried to muster failed Brett. “That would be nice, Dad.”

  “Your enthusiasm overwhelms me.”

  Brett sighed and rubbed his eyes. Time for truth. He took a deep breath and informed his father of the current state of his marriage.

  “Aw, son, wish you’d have called us earlier. You know we’d have been there in a heartbeat to help in any way we can.” Instead of the guilt and chastisement he expected, his father’s words warmed Brett’s heart.

  “That’s just it, Dad, half the time I have no idea what I’m doing, much less what anyone else can do to help.”

  “You still love her?”

  “Of course I love her. I just don’t know what to do now that I’ve made a mess of things.”

  “Talking’s always a good start.”

  “True, but I have no idea where to begin. I’ve always wanted to play pro football. With that not possible, I thought NPIFL would fill the void.”

  “Has it?”

  Brett shook his head, the movement emphasizing the words that poured out of his mouth. “No, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve made the team, and I’m going to play. Might be my only chance, and I owe it to myself and that dream, the dream you and mom wanted and supported as long as I can remember, to at least play this one season. Besides, y’all always taught me to finish what I started no matter what.”

  “Yes we did, son, but not at the expense of your happ
iness and definitely not at the expense of your marriage and family. May I make a suggestion?”

  “Sure.”

  “Although we raised you in faith, we never pushed you in any direction when it came to developing your walk with God. Figured you needed to take responsibility for that and grow your relationship with Him in your own way, own time. But I can tell you this much, no guidance is as complete as His. Find a church, Bible study, or support group of some sort, and see if you can get to the root of your feelings. Sort ‘em out, get clear about what you want, what you need and expect, then talk to your wife. Don’t just talk to her, but listen, really listen to Sandi. Find out what she wants, needs and expects, then and only then, make some decisions. There’s nothing that can’t be resolved with honesty, compassion and commitment.”

  “Hey Brett!”

  Brett’s head jerked up. His eyes met the coach’s.

  Coach mimed an apology for interrupting Brett’s call.

  Brett nodded and held up a finger to indicate he’d be off in a minute, then returned his attention to his father.

  “Thanks, Dad. I’ll do that. And, it would be wonderful if you and Mom can come down for our opening game and follow the team.” They shared a couple more pleasantries then rang off.

  Brett tucked his phone into the pocket of his jeans and shook hands with his coach.

  “How’s it going?” Coach asked.

  “Great, just got off the phone with my dad. He and Mom want to come and follow the team.”

  “Wonderful! Where are they from?”

  “Sherman.”

  “That’s not too far. It’ll be nice to meet them. How’re things going with the wife?”

  Brett shrugged. “She’s back in school. I sent her a check the other day but other than that, nothing’s changed.”

  “How’s the baby?”

  “Teething.”

  Coach murmured sympathy for Candie’s discomfort then asked where Brett was headed.