When We Were Vikings

by Andrew David MacDonald

chapter twelve

  I blurted it out. I didn’t mean to. I said Gert had a gun and hadn’t been going to class and was a liar. AK47 lost her shit and got very angry, which for her meant becoming quiet. In many ways this is scarier than when someone gets angry loud. You do not know what a person who is quiet and angry will do next.

  When we got in the car, AK47 drummed the steering wheel and didn’t start the car.

  She was giving me THE LOOK.

  AK47 is fearless. When it comes to Viking things, she is the person most like the Valkyries. That was one of the reasons why Gert fell in love with her. She could take his shit. Other people are afraid of him, but he is afraid of AK47, especially when she gives him THE LOOK.

  “She’s giving me THE LOOK, Zee,” Gert would say. Or: “I know that look.”

  THE LOOK is like a missile, which actually didn’t exist in the time of Vikings. A missile goes from one place to another and explodes the villains. AK47 does THE LOOK and like a missile it explodes whoever she shoots it at. Gert is not a villain, but sometimes he does villain things and she needs to explode him back to normal.

  I have tried to learn how to do THE LOOK. It is a good way to become powerful in battle, where you have to use every weapon you have.

  I liked to practice my own LOOK in the mirror. One of the things that makes AK47 good at sending THE LOOK like a missile is her eyebrows, which are very black and like caterpillars. They bend in the middle when she is angry, and when she is really angry and wants to destroy whoever she’s looking at, they actually bend in a lot of places. Her eyes are brown and sometimes I think when she’s doing THE LOOK they become black.

  Even when she did start the car, she was doing THE LOOK the entire ride home, giving it to the road, to the other cars, to the steering wheel.

  While she drove I worried that I had done the wrong thing and betrayed Gert. But AK47 was someone I knew I could trust, and I knew that she loved Gert and Gert loved her.

  She parked in front of our building, in a place you couldn’t park in for a long time. She didn’t even turn the blinkers on that she used to show people that she was not going to stay long.

  She shut off the engine. She didn’t let go of the steering wheel, which she was holding on to like she was hanging off the edge of a cliff and the steering wheel was the only thing she could grab to stop her from falling.

  We sat there for a second.

  “I’m so frigging pissed, Zelda,” AK47 said. “You have no idea. A freaking gun. In the apartment. Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?”

  “I know, which is why I told you.”

  “Right. Yeah. You did the right thing.” She patted my leg. “Good work. And this school crap? He has to keep a full course load to keep his scholarship. He can’t just drop a class like that. Especially not a prereq.”

  Prereqs are things you need to do before you can do anything else.

  We went upstairs, carrying our shopping bags, to our apartment door. I got out my key but AK47 was already unlocking it with hers, which I did not know she still had.

  Gert was inside watching TV and eating cereal on his lap.

  “Hey, how was the movie?” he said to me. And then he saw AK47. “What’s she doing here?”

  “Shut up,” AK47 said.

  He ignored her. “Zelda, why is this person in the apartment who I said I never want to see in the apartment ever again?”

  When she started giving him shit, Gert told her to mind her own business, which was when I said, “It is her business, because it’s my business too. I am passing her all of the business.”

  “Guns, Gert. Seriously?” AK47 shook her head. “And these gangbangers you’ve been hanging around with?”

  “Stop being melodramatic,” Gert said.

  “You don’t think I hear things?” AK47 said. “Everyone knows you’re dealing.”

  I did not know what this meant and asked if someone could explain what was going on.

  “I’m not your rescue project,” Gert said. He put the cereal bowl down and got up and went to the door, walking past us and opening it. He told AK47 to get the hell out.

  AK47 said she wouldn’t leave until he gave her the gun. When Gert said there was no gun, AK47 pointed at me and said, “She said she found a gun. In the metal box. Are you calling her a liar?”

  “Sounds like one of her Viking fantasies,” Gert said.

  “Shut up!” I said. “You had a gun in the metal box and two hundred and forty dollars in the envelope in the bag and you lied about the study group!”

  AK47 got right in his face and then pushed him.

  “You motherfucker,” she said. “You want her to get shot?”

  By now she was yelling and pushing him and he was trying to stop her from hitting his face. Gert told her to stop being hysterical and AK47 said, “Oh, you want to see hysterical?” and started trying to punch him. He turned her around and held her in a backward bear hug. Then she bit into his hand and he said, “MOTHERFUCKER,” and then blood came out of his hand.

  He pushed her away and held up his hand, while she flew into the wall with a thump.

  I could not see the Grendels, but I could hear them, making their noises and clawing from inside of the walls.

  I realized that I was crying because suddenly their faces became blurry and snot came out of my nose in a river.

  “Stop it stop it stop it,” I kept saying.

  Everything was moving very quickly, and I did not like watching them.

  I went into the hallway, where it was quiet and where two people I loved from the same tribe weren’t fighting. I closed our front door and sat against the wall. I stayed there and held my head.

  Alf had come out of his apartment and asked me what was going on.

  “It sounds like goddamn downtown Iraq in there,” he said.

  I told him that Gert and AK47 were fighting, and then there was a loud boom and before I could tell him not to go inside, Alf opened the door.

  I got up and followed him. He clapped his hands to try to get their attention and to be quiet.

  “You guys need to chill the fuck out or I’m going to call the police,” Alf said. “Especially you, Big Man.”

  Big Man was Gert.

  “What?” Gert said.

  “Chill the fuck out,” Alf said, and he stepped between Gert and AK47, who were now on opposite sides of the apartment. AK47 was in the kitchen and Gert was in the living room, and Alf went and stood in the space between them.

  That was a bad idea. Gert doesn’t like when people get in his way and he was already getting close to becoming a Berserker.

  Berserkers are special Vikings who are savage, meaning they are like robots whose only job is to win battles and kill their enemies. They are also called Úlfhéðnar, a word I didn’t know how to pronounce, even with the Google speaking program on the computer. The problem with Berserkers is that they are so mean and angry that when they fight you can’t talk to them, so sometimes they get so angry that they become villains themselves.

  Gert pushed Alf off. Alf bounced against the wall and tripped over the coffee table. Then Gert wasn’t arguing with AK47 anymore. He was ready to fight Alf, who was walking backward and holding his hands up.

  “Gert,” AK47 said, and tried to grab him.

  Things started moving very quickly, like a basketball spinning on a finger with the person slapping the ball to make it go faster and faster, until the lines on the ball disappear.

  Gert hit Alf very fast and hard, and then Alf fell down. And in a second Gert sat on top of Alf, whose little arms tried to stop Gert from punching.

  It did not take very long before Alf’s face turned red and he started bleeding out of his mouth and nose.

  My head started squishing even more then, because my brother was being a very ugly villain and going Berserker.

  Gert kept holding Alf by the neck but he turned and saw AK47, who was pointing at me and shouting for him to stop. He blinked and then he was not a Berserker an
ymore.

  “Fuck,” he said.

  Alf coughed when Gert let him go, holding his neck. He was having trouble breathing.

  Gert walked backwards. His stomach went in and out very quickly. “Fuck,” he said again.

  AK47 bent down and touched Alf’s shoulder.

  “Get out of here,” AK47 said, helping Alf up. “Please. Just go.”

  The Grendels were so loud now that I could not hear anything else, and the sounds they made made it hard for me to see.

  * * *

  One of the things I have trouble with is when Gert acts villainously. Even though Alf should have minded his own business and not tried to act like a warrior in front of AK47 to try to impress her, he is also a lot smaller than Gert, and older, and is not a very good warrior.

  AK47 and Gert made a tent around me with their arms, so that the only thing I could see was their shirts. With them around me the world slowed down and got quieter.

  “It’s all right,” Gert said. He was whispering to me, in my ear. “It’s all right, Zelda. It’s okay.”

  AK47 was kneeling down next to us and helped Gert lift me up. The Grendels were still growling, but not as loud. I opened my eyes.

  “There we go,” Gert said.

  “I should—” AK47 pointed at the door. “I should get going.”

  Gert reached out for her. “Can you stay a minute? Please?”

  I brought my knees up to my chest and pretended I was a gargantuan stone and inside of me was calm. The more like a stone I could make my arms and legs and head and body, the calmer the inside parts of me could get.

  “Okay,” Gert said. “Are you okay?” He was walking around in circles and couldn’t sit still. Some Berserker was still inside of him.

  “No,” I said.

  AK47 told Gert to sit down and stop stressing everyone out.

  “Sit,” she said, and Gert came over and acted like he didn’t know where to sit down. “It doesn’t have to be next to me,” AK47 said.

  I was sitting in the leather chair, the one with the legs that go up, though we couldn’t make the legs go up, since something in the chair was broken and the legs would get stuck.

  “We shouldn’t have fought like that,” AK47 said to me. “Let’s get that out of the way. Right?”

  She said that to Gert, who was walking around shaking his head. “Right?”

  “Right,” he said.

  “And Gert shouldn’t have kicked the crap out of that old man. So you need to apologize for that too.”

  Gert turned to me and said he was sorry. “But he had no business coming into our apartment.”

  I told him that Alf was weaker, and that heroes protect the weak, not fight them. Gert said that he knows that.

  “You should be in school,” I said. “Why aren’t you in school? And what about the gun?”

  “The billion-dollar questions,” AK47 said.

  Gert shook his head. He didn’t like to be asked questions by people. He was the question-asker. He scratched his bald head, which wasn’t as bald as it usually was. Little hairs were trying to poke through and were a shadow on his head.

  “Look,” Gert said, “the gun isn’t loaded. Okay? It’s just for show. For protection.”

  AK47 folded her arms across her chest. “So there is a gun.”

  “See?” I said.

  “I keep it locked up, and in the metal box.”

  “So how did Zelda find it then?”

  Gert turned to me. “My room was locked. What were you doing in there?”

  My face became hot, until AK47 told me it was okay, nobody was mad. So I said that everyone at the college said that he was kicked out of school, and that he was telling me he was going to school, and that I went to look for proof.

  I felt like we were not talking about the most important thing, which was Gert not being in school. “You are supposed to be in school,” I said. “Because you are smart and want to get a good job and ride in nice cars and go on vacations on the beach.”

  AK47 made a snorting sound with her nose. “Okay, Scarface,” she said. Scarface is Gert’s favorite movie, even though Al Pacino dies at the end after getting shot a hundred times and has a nice car and takes nice vacations.

  “She’s right, though. How many classes are you failing?” AK47 asked.

  Gert sat down on the chair across from hers. He looked at his hand, which was purple from punching. “Just a couple.”

  “Fuck that,” AK47 said. “Sorry, Zelda. But it’s definitely a swearing time.”

  “I think so too,” I said. “Fuck that not going to school.”

  “Can you go back?” AK47 asked.

  He stood up and said he needed water. He went to the kitchen, and AK47 said she was sorry too. I asked her for what, and she said, “For coming here like Rambo,” which was another one of Gert’s favorite movies. When Gert came back with a glass of water, he said that he should have told me that he wasn’t defeating school.

  “I could have helped,” I said.

  “No offense, Zee, but this is above your pay grade,” he said.

  “I thought you were doing okay,” AK47 said. “And we could always study together, even if we’re not talking. I don’t mind helping. And who the hell is Toucan?”

  Gert stared at me. “Nobody.”

  “Gert.”

  Gert stretched out his fingers and wiggled them. “He helped us move.”

  “Like rented a truck?”

  “Like lent me money. He’s a friend. An old friend. From when I played football.”

  Gert didn’t smile like I thought he would. He looked like he had just suffered a major defeat in battle. AK47 went to the fridge and got a bag of frozen vegetables. She gave it to Gert to put on his hand.

  “Now, let’s get this gun bullshit taken care of.”

  We went to Gert’s room, and he went into his closet and took out the metal box and opened it.

  AK47 said she would get rid of the gun. Gert tried to argue and then his hand started hurting and he didn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

  “Fine, take it.”

  Even though there was no sound after that, it was like a bomb was exploding. AK47 was wearing THE LOOK and when she stopped wearing it her face was the face she gave him when they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Gert had on a face like that too.

  I did not like how angry and quiet the air felt. “Can someone say something?”

  AK47 put her bag down. She kicked off her shoes.

  “I’m still pissed off at you,” she said to Gert.

  “I am too,” I said.

  Gert said that he knew all that. He got up and walked over to AK47 and they stood looking at each other for a long time. Then AK47 said, “Zelda, can you go out and play for a little while?”

  “You are going to have sex,” I said. “Aren’t you?”

  AK47 took Gert’s not-hurt hand and said, “It appears that that’s the case.”

  “I’ll put on my headphones,” I said.

  We walked down the hallway, Gert and AK47 holding hands and walking first, and me walking behind them. When I got to my room, I closed my door. I was victorious for one part of my legend: Gert and AK47 were in love with each other and having sex, even if Gert was still not in school, like I wanted him to be.

  I took out a pen and put a check mark next to GET AK47 AND GERT BACK TOGETHER from my list of things to do to be legendary.

  It was a very powerful moment. I decided to share it with Dr. Kepple, so I went to my computer and clicked on his website, which I had bookmarked.

  Dear Dr. Kepple,

  Hello again. It’s Zelda. You still haven’t answered my last e-mail, but that is okay, since you are probably busy studying Vikings. I am becoming very skilled at using my sword and would say that I could defeat most of the villains I have read about in your book. I mentioned my Viking sword, if you remember. And I have succeeded in getting Gert and AK47 back together, an important part of my legend.

  However, I have
some questions about Viking hoards that Kepple’s Guide to the Vikings does not answer. On page 174 you say that Viking tribes went to war with other tribes and pillaged, which means to take treasure from other places that you have defeated. Are there any ways that Vikings get hoards, other than pillaging? I also have an interview at a library for a job. (I don’t know if Vikings have libraries, so that is another question you can answer.)

  Thank you for reading, and have a good day.

  Skál,

  Zelda

  chapter thirteen

  That night, after Gert and AK47 went to bed and I sent my letter to Dr. Kepple, I set my alarm clock so I could wake up early, before Gert and AK47, and make them a feast of a breakfast to celebrate her coming back to the tribe. They had sex a long time, I could hear them, and I started to wonder about having sex with Marxy and fell asleep and wanted to dream about it but didn’t.

  When my alarm clock went off Gert’s door was open, he was still asleep inside on the bed, lying down face-first. AK47 was at the front of the apartment, putting on her shoes to leave.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  She put her finger to my mouth to shush me. “Let him sleep,” she said.

  I lowered my voice and asked where she was going. AK47 stood up and whispered, “No offense, Zee, but this isn’t a happy ending.”

  “But you and Gert had sex.”

  She put her finger to her mouth again and pointed to the hallway so we could talk there.

  “Yeah, we had sex,” she said, closing the door behind us. “And?”

  “And you love each other.”

  “I know you think all stories have to end in a perfect way,” she said. “Life is complicated. You can love someone and they can be bad for you, or not right. I’m just not sure.”

  “But you can always be perfect for each other and help each other become strong,” I said back.

  She sighed. “Zelda. He doesn’t want help. Okay?”

  I ran in front of her and put up my arms and said, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” She tried to walk past me and I kept standing in front of her.

  “Come on, move,” she said, and I told her I was moving, and jumped in front of her again.

  She stopped trying to get around me. “Are you hungry?” she asked.