When We Were Vikings

by Andrew David MacDonald

  Toucan was not in his plastic lawn chair, but there was another man sitting in it. It was the Fat Man. He was looking at his phone and yawning.

  He got up off the lawn chair when he saw me. He asked me what I was doing on the wrong side of the tracks. I told him that he did not know what he was talking about, since the railroad tracks that go through the city go nowhere near where we live.

  “We both live on the same side of the tracks,” I said.

  “Whatever.” He had an apple with him and started eating it.

  “I want to see Toucan,” I said.

  He kept chewing on the apple. Once he swallowed a big bite he told me to get in line. I looked around and there was no line.

  He asked if I was really that retarded. “It’s a metaphor, stupid,” he said, throwing the rest of the apple away.

  “You are fat and fucking ugly,” I said, which I had been thinking and not saying, since making fun of someone for being overweight and for things they can’t control, like the way their face looks, is as bad as making fun of someone for being retarded. But I could not help myself.

  He did not move. “Go fuck yourself,” he said, and started looking at his phone again.

  “I don’t want to fuck myself. I want Toucan. I know where to find Hendo.”

  He stopped playing with his phone. “What did you just say?”

  “I know where to find Hendo and the gym bag that Toucan is seeking in his quest,” I said.

  He told me to tell him, and he would pass on the information to Toucan. I shook my head and said it was my legend. “I am the one who will tell him, and I want you to take me to him.”

  “No,” the Fat Man said, “I don’t think you do.”

  “Either take me to him or I will find him myself, without your help.”

  The Fat Man sighed and said, “Okay, have it your way.” He told me to wait. He turned away from me and made a call on his cell phone.

  “Zelda, right?” he asked me. I nodded.

  He said that into the phone. I crossed my arms. He put his phone in his pocket and told me to come with him.

  “Why can’t he come to me?”

  There was one thing I knew about battle, and that was it’s better to fight in neutral territory. Neutral means that nobody has the advantage. Going to Toucan would mean he had the advantage. In sports the home team has the advantage. Going to play in another team’s gym is going into enemy territory.

  The Fat Man pointed to a car parked on the street.

  “You either come or you stay. I got better things to do than this bullshit.”

  I had my Viking sword and knew that in legends the heroes don’t always win, but that more than winning the Viking hero must stand up when the time comes.

  I took a deep breath and walked to the car.

  * * *

  The Fat Man did not talk to me while he drove me there. Gert had said never to get into cars with people I don’t know. The Fat Man turned on his rap music on the stereo and smoked. As he drove I started to wonder what I was doing, if I was actually going to be getting myself into more trouble that Gert would have to save me from.

  This was the wrong thing to think. You cannot be afraid. A Viking who goes into battle thinking he will be defeated will be defeated. I put my hand into my backpack and made sure to hold my Viking sword inside the bag, in case I had to pull it out to defend myself. The Fat Man asked if I needed to turn on the air-conditioning.

  “No,” I said.

  “Do you mind if I do?” he asked.

  “No, go ahead.”

  “Cool,” the Fat Man said, turning on the air-conditioning. He drove for a while then turned down the music.

  “So what’s going on with Gert?” he asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  The Fat Man moved his head from side to side. “I don’t know. He’s talking to police.”

  He slowed the car down at a stop sign but did not come to a full stop, which is called a rolling stop. I remembered when the police car pulled over Gert for going through stop signs and he threw up.

  “If you do not like police, you should actually stop at stop signs. Gert got pulled over once by a policeman for not stopping all the way.”

  The Fat Man laughed a small laugh. “Yeah. Not in this neighborhood.” He stepped on the gas pedal hard and the car went so fast it threw me against my seat. He turned the music back on.

  He did not have to drive that far until I recognized where we were going, and then he pulled next to a house. It was Toucan’s house, the one that Gert had taken me to before, with the hedges and the lawn and Toucan’s nice red car in the front.

  “Here we go,” the Fat Man said, turning off the gas. I took off my seat belt and opened the door. He wasn’t wearing a seat belt, which was stupid, and got out too.

  The Fat Man spun his keys in his fingers. They jangled as they went round and round and then he dropped the keys on the steps leading to the front door. He stopped to pick them up.

  When we got to the door he opened the door for me. I wanted to thank him, except you do not thank villains, so I just nodded and went inside. I made sure if I needed to I could take out my Viking sword to attack.

  * * *

  The house was dark. There was one light on in the corner of the house. All the other light was yellow from coming through the curtains. Music played quietly from somewhere. The Fat Man said to wait and he pointed to the couch.

  “He says to sit down right there,” the Fat Man said.

  “Okay,” I said.

  The Fat Man went back out the door. Before he closed the door behind him he asked if I could tell Gert that Big Mike says hi.

  “I’ll tell him,” I said.

  “Cool,” the Fat Man said, and then he walked out the door, moving slowly because he was so big that he almost hit the sides on his way out.

  When he left I decided that the battle was almost at hand. I hadn’t thought about what to tell Toucan. I just knew I had to defeat him. I wondered if he would come and try to attack, like in the legends from Kepple’s Guide to the Vikings, or if we would have a conversation, like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, before pulling out our weapons and doing battle. I took out the Viking sword and put it on my belt, so that if I needed to I could wield it to defeat evil.

  * * *

  “Zelda,” Toucan said, walking into the room. He was smoking and scratched his chin when he saw me. “Glad to see you. Mi casa es su casa, remember?”

  “I am here to stop you,” I said. “That is what I am here to tell you.”

  The cigarette Toucan was smoking got bright orange at the end. Smoke came out of his nose, just like smoke comes out of the noses of monsters. He laughed and then more smoke came out of his mouth.

  When Beowulf defeated Grendel, he had to not be scared, even though Grendel was the biggest villain he had seen. Toucan was scary. I felt like there was a bird inside me, hitting against the insides of my body and trying to get out. To calm myself down I looked down at my shoes and began counting to ten.

  “Are you having a stroke or something?” Toucan said.

  “You declared war when you hurt Marxy. You stole his basketball and hurt him, just like you hurt Gert.” I stood up straighter than I had ever stood up before. “I am going to stop you.”

  I expected Toucan to get into his battle stance. Instead he did not move, or even change his expression.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He pointed back to the couch. “Why don’t we sit down and talk about this like grown-ups?”

  I told him I did not want to sit down. I wanted him to leave Gert alone, to leave Marxy alone, and also to stop selling drugs.

  Toucan did not act like he wanted to fight. While he listened his head nodded, and he said, “Okay,” over and over again.

  This was not how battles were supposed to happen. He did not have a weapon, and he was not getting into a fighting position. I told him that him leaving us alone was a deal-breaker, and that we were not neg
otiating.

  At the end of talking I said, “These are deal-breakers.”

  Toucan licked his fingers and put out the end of his cigarette by pinching it. Then he put what was left of the cigarette into an ashtray on the table. He asked if I was done.

  “There is one more thing.” I reached into my belt and pulled out my Viking sword. I held it out in front of me and got into a fighting position.

  Toucan whistled.

  “Well, look at that,” he said. “That looks dangerous. You sure you know how to use it?”

  I told him I was serious, that if he did not promise to leave me and Gert and Marxy alone, I would have to use it. He crossed his arms in front of him and took a step toward me.

  It was a slow step.

  I held the Viking sword out, to show that if he came any closer I would strike.

  “Stay where you are,” I said.

  Toucan took another step. “What if I do this?” he asked. And then took another step, until he was close enough for me to attack.

  “I said—”

  His hands became unfolded and then one of them grabbed my wrist. He twisted my arm until it hurt to hold on to the Viking sword and I had to drop it. Then he grabbed me by the hair with the other hand.

  “Stop!” I said. He did not stop. He pulled my hair so hard that I fell onto my hands and knees in front of him.

  My hair felt like it was pulling my brain outside of my head. My eyes started watering from how it sent lightning bolts all throughout my body.

  “What?” He pulled my head up so that I was facing his face. “What were you saying?”

  I tried to bite but he pulled my head back by my hair so that I could not bite him. Then he threw me down. My sword was on the ground by my feet, but I did get my phone out of my pocket.

  Number Two on speed-dial was AK47.

  The phone rang once and she picked it up. I was crying so much that my tears and snot from my nose were getting on the screen.

  “Where the shit are you?” she asked. “I’ve been fucking worried sick.”

  “Help,” I said.

  “What? Where are you?”

  Toucan took my phone away and grabbed me by my hair again and called me a cunt and other words that were ugly.

  I tried to pull back and he slapped me across the cheek, which made my eyes water even more. He slapped me over and over, on the same part of my face, and I thought that my mouth was going to fall off of my face.

  I had peed myself again. It was warm and itchy on my skin.

  While hitting me Toucan said I smelled like piss and called me disgusting and a cunt for making a mess on his floor. He hit me again and told me to shut up.

  Then he picked me up and bent me over the couch, so that my stomach was on top of the place where you put your arms.

  “You think your boyfriend fucks you good?” he said into my ear. “It’s about time you were introduced to how a pro does it.”

  He pulled down my pants until they went to my ankles. I felt him squeezing my legs and scratching them.

  “Please,” I said, but he was so heavy I could not move.

  Toucan put his leg between my legs and pushed them apart.

  Somewhere I couldn’t see, I could hear the Grendel laughing and making its growl and it sounded like wolves. My body inside was yelling but he was pushing me down so hard that all of that yelling was stuck inside.

  That was when the Fat Man came into the room. He opened the door quickly and then saw us. I could not see him, except a little bit out of the corner of my eye. I could still feel Toucan’s hand on my back, but he was not as heavy on me anymore.

  “What?” Toucan asked.

  I heard the Fat Man say, “I just—”

  “You just what?”

  Toucan pulled up his pants. I heard his zipper go up. Even though I was no longer trapped, I could not move.

  The Fat Man held up his phone. “I don’t know how she got my number, but it’s Gert’s girlfriend. She’s on the phone.”

  “Watch her,” Toucan said, pointing at me. He took the phone from the Fat Man and went to another room.

  * * *

  My stomach hurt from being pushed into the arm of the couch. The Fat Man waited until Toucan was outside before he asked me if I was okay.

  I felt myself go onto the ground and closed my eyes and said I wanted to go home, please take me home, please anywhere, please.

  “Here,” the Fat Man said. “Take this.” He handed me a blanket. I started crying. “Fuck,” the Fat Man said. “This is fucked up,” he said.

  Toucan came back into the room. “What are you doing?”

  “Man, she’s all fucked up,” the Fat Man said.

  “So?”

  “So,” the Fat Man said. “Man.”

  Toucan told the Fat Man to take me to the basement. “Now she’s got piss all over my fucking blanket. You think I want that?”

  The Fat Man shook his head and started to swear more to himself. Toucan walked right up to the Fat Man, until their faces were almost touching. The Fat Man turned to look away.

  Toucan grabbed his face with his hand and said, “What?”

  “Nothing,” the Fat Man said.

  “You were saying something.”

  “Naw,” the Fat Man said. “I wasn’t saying anything.”

  “Good,” Toucan said. He told me to pull up my pants, that he was tired of looking at me.

  * * *

  The Fat Man touched my arm. I tried to pull up my pants but they were wet and did not come up all the way. The Fat Man tried to help me and Toucan told him to just pick me up.

  “She weighs like two pounds,” Toucan said.

  The Fat Man picked me up around the waist. I did not feel like I could move or say anything. The Fat Man said, “There, let’s just take it easy,” and he brought me to the basement, going slowly down every step. My body did not move.

  There was a mattress down there and he put me down on it. The mattress smelled bad, like pee, but I also smelled like pee. The cold air of the basement made my wet legs prickle, and I started to shiver.

  “You all right?” the Fat Man asked, not looking at me.

  “I’m cold,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he said, and kept looking not at me, but at the ceiling.

  He found a blanket. My body hurt from Toucan pushing down on me. The Fat Man put the blanket over me.

  “Can you tell Gert I didn’t have anything to do with this shit?” the Fat Man asked.

  I pulled the blanket closer around myself and pulled my knees close to me and rubbed them until I stopped shivering so much.

  The Fat Man started going back up the stairs. They creaked under him. Then he stopped walking and came back down. I could hear the Grendels, growling somewhere I couldn’t see.

  The Fat Man came over and stood above me.

  “Shit,” he said. He knelt down. His knees cracked. “I’m going to leave the back door open. Okay? You listening?”

  When I did not say anything, he gave my arm a squeeze.

  “Hey. You need to listen to me.”

  “Please, don’t leave me,” I said, even though the Fat Man wasn’t part of my tribe. Now I was holding on to him as much as he was holding on to me. His eyes were watery. “Please help.”

  “You just go upstairs and turn left and then go out the back door. There’s a gate in the fence. You go through there. Okay?”

  He touched my arm and then I felt my body get tense and shake.

  “Wait ten minutes. And then you can go out there. You understand?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  The Fat Man got up. His pants were hanging down below his waist so he pulled them back up. He walked up the stairs and did not look back.

  chapter thirty-four

  I do not know how long I waited, except that every time I tried to count to sixty seconds I would forget how many times I had done it. It took me a long time to stand up. My pants were wet and so I did not want to wear them anymore. The we
t was burning my legs. Somewhere in the darkness of the basement, the Grendel was growling.

  I closed my eyes and told it to be quiet, to be quiet, and I said it out loud: “BE QUIET.”

  I went up the stairs slowly, trying not to make noise.

  Toucan was talking to someone in the living room. I walked the way the Fat Man told me, out into the backyard, then started running to the fence where the gate was.

  When I got to the gate, I saw AK47’s car. It was parked out front. She had found me.

  She had come to save me, and she was inside with Toucan and the Grendels.

  I sat down on the ground and held my head and told everything to SHUT UP, all of the bad things that had happened. And I thought of the Viking woman in the grave who had become so legendary that now a thousand years after she was dead, people were still talking about her.

  I went to a window and tried to look inside but could only see through a crack in the window. When I put my nose to the glass I could see AK47 in the living room and Toucan with her.

  The Fat Man came up behind me and tried to take my arm. “Are you crazy? I told you to get out of here.”

  “My friend is inside,” I said, pulling my arm away.

  “What do you think is going to happen if he finds out you’re gone?”

  “I need to save her. Will you help me?” I said. “You can help me defeat him.”

  “You need to get out of here, is what you need to do.” The Fat Man shook his head, said, “Man” again, and started walking away.

  My legs still burned with the pee, and my stomach hurt and my face from where I had been hit. Everything had turned out wrong. And I was scared, more scared than I had ever been in my entire life. I remembered being scared of Uncle Richard when he hurt Gert with the beer bottle and yelled at him.

  But I was tired of being scared of the Grendels, and of villains like Toucan and Uncle Richard who want to hurt innocent people.

  Even without my Viking sword, which was inside somewhere, I decided I would fight and save AK47 and Gert and the World.