Keeping Secrets

by Parker, Weston

  Clark stepped around the kitchen island when he was done washing up and squeezed my shoulder, keeping his voice low. “Stop overthinking it, man.”

  Before I could reply, Julia finished drying the last plate and turned with a bright smile on her face. “Okay, well, will you tell Tiffeny I’ll see her later? I need to get home, get ready, and get to work.”

  “Yeah, I’ve got to go too,” Clark said, the corners of his mouth dipping down as his eyes met mine. “I have to get ready to do an interview in about an hour. Solo, since you won’t agree to do this with me.”

  I punched him in the shoulder. “Hey, you wanted to keep recording. Go be a superstar. I’m happy here in my little corner of obscurity.”

  Julia looked at me like I’d grown another head, grabbing her purse as she breezed by us to pause in the doorway. “For the record, I’m happy you’re happy here because it makes my friend happy to have you here. Also, don’t you dare quit music all together.”

  Clark laughed, elbowed me, and then followed her out, calling from the front door. “Listen to her, man. Don’t quit.”

  The door slammed behind them and I sighed. Winter came back into the kitchen then, her backpack on and wearing the cutest little jeans with a bright pink shirt.

  Tiffeny came up behind her, a hair tie in one hand and a brush in the other. She handed them over to me. “I’ve got to go or else I’m going to be so late to the center this morning. I still have a million things to do before I’ll be ready to deliver.”

  She pressed a kiss to the top of Winter’s head. “Bye, honey. I’ll see you later.”

  Seemingly without stopping to think about it, she offered me a smile, came to stand close enough that she could kiss my cheek without Winter seeing it, and then tossed her hand up in a friendly wave. “Later, Callen. Have a good day.”

  A few seconds later, the door clicked shut and the kitchen was thrown into silence for the first time this morning. I motioned for Winter to come closer. “What do you want to do with your hair today?”

  She came to stand between my legs where I was still sitting on my stool, but she didn’t say anything. She simply shrugged her little shoulders.

  “Okay, a plain ponytail it is,” I said, expecting that to elicit some kind of response from her. When it didn’t, I frowned and gently turned her to face me. “What’s going on, String Bean?”

  She chewed on the inside of her cheek, her eyes wide and shining when she looked up at me. “Is Tiffeny my mommy?”

  The world came crashing down around me with that one question. Every doubt I’d had came into laser-sharp focus, and an inferno of regret lit up my insides. A string of curses reverberated around my brain and something inside me screamed in protest to having to have this conversation with her right now.

  I’m just not ready. Not yet.

  Another, snarkier part of me piped up next. Yeah, well, you brought this on yourself. Suck it the fuck up.

  With Winter’s wide eyes still trained on mine, my shoulders fell and I shook my head. “No, baby. She’s not your mommy.”

  “Where is my mommy?” she asked. Sadness dimmed her eyes and the smile that had been so bright just a minute ago was gone.

  I stroked a hand through her soft hair and felt my heart crack in half. “She’s not here and she won’t be coming back, sweetheart.”

  Dropping off the stool, I lowered myself to my haunches and pulled her against me for a tight hug. Although I didn’t know if it was more for her benefit or my own.

  Winter sighed, her small chest rising and falling against mine. “I wish Tiffeny was my mommy.”

  “No one will ever be your mommy,” I whispered fiercely, tears that I refused to shed right then setting the backs of my eyeballs on fire. “Your mommy was the greatest person in the world, and there will never be anyone that can replace her.”

  I knew Winter wouldn’t understand what I was telling her then, but I’d made myself a promise never to lie to her about Alice. I wasn’t about to start doing just that the first time she asked.

  Alice really had been the greatest fucking person and she would have been the best mother the planet had ever seen. Hell, she had been—for however brief a time.

  Winter deserved to know that. There was no replacing what she’d lost, and I was so fucking sorry about that.

  In the space of those few minutes, because of that one question, my heart was blown to smithereens again. And this time, it didn’t feel like it would be any easier to put it back together.

  Chapter 30

  Tiffeny

  “We’ve had such positive responses from the parents and the kids about this initiative,” the manager at the day-care center said.

  She stood next to me at the table set up in the shade of that beautiful old tree, smiling as she set her hand on my arm. “I know it’s only been a couple of months, but we’d like to assure you we’ll be renewing our contract when the term is up.”

  “I’m very happy to hear that.” A grin as wide as the country spread on my face. If there was anything that could have made the day any better, it was this.

  It had started out as one of the best days of my life, and so far, it was still delivering. I was flying so high, nothing could get me down.

  Sleeping in Callen’s arms, waking up to Winter’s sweet face, having breakfast with everyone, and now this? Life couldn’t get much better.

  “Would you be willing to travel a little further?” she asked as we watched the kids lining up. Winter’s class wasn’t out yet, but I kept watching out for her.

  Forcing my brain to keep its attention on what the woman was saying, I averted my gaze from the mass of kids in front of me and fixed it on hers. “Of course, what did you have in mind?”

  Just then, I caught a whiff of what smelled like grilling meat and my stomach lurched as I sniffed the air. The manager sighed as she noticed what I was doing, a sharp frown tugging at her brows. “Sorry about the smoke. It’s our neighbors. They have a cookout once every few months to incentivize their employees. I’ve asked them not to do it while the kids are outside, but it seems they’ve forgotten. Again. Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about—”

  Something hooked behind my navel and it was all I could do not to be sick all over the woman who was trying to help me with my business. I saw her lips moving, but blood roared in my ears, and I couldn’t hear what she was saying.

  My stomach rolled and I clamped a hand over my mouth, feeling my cheeks pale. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. I don’t feel so well.”

  “You don’t look so well, either. Do you want our nurse to check you out?” She frowned, concern flashing in her eyes.

  I started to shake my head, but even that made the nausea worse. “I’m fine. It has to be something I ate. I’ll see you next week.”

  Practically running to my car, even though my legs felt like they were made of jelly, I stopped before I got in and pressed my forehead to the cold metal of the roof. I gulped in lungfuls of air, and finally, my head cleared, and I didn’t have to fight off the urge to heave quite so hard anymore.

  Weird. I wasn’t one to feel ill very often. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten sick. I didn’t even keep any pills in my house other than something mild for headaches, which I also only used on the rare occasion that Julia and I had one glass of wine too many.

  Many people I knew wanted their mothers when they got sick. Me? I wanted my mother’s housekeeper. Elena was a whiz at knowing what was wrong by just looking at you, and she’d never steered me wrong. Probably because she had four children, and her tenth grandchild had been born just a couple of months ago. She always said she’d seen it all and could name the symptoms of all the most common ailments off the top of her head.

  Thankfully, my mother’s house wasn’t very far away, and while she wouldn’t be home, Elena would be. My stomach rolled every couple of minutes as I drove there, but at least I managed not to be sick in my own car.

  To my surprise, my mothe
r’s car was in the driveway when I arrived. I parked behind her, got out, and let myself in, walking straight to the kitchen. Another surprise when I pushed open the door to find Mom in there, but not Elena.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said weakly. “Elena around?”

  With a shake of her head, she frowned and looked me up and down. “No, she’s out. One of those grandchildren of hers needed something. What’s wrong with you?”

  “I just need some medicine. I didn’t feel like seeing a doctor or explaining to a pharmacist how I felt when she always knows what to give.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, her gaze once more picking me apart. “How are you feeling exactly? Maybe I can help. I am your mother, after all.”

  Barely, I wanted to retort. But I bit the tip of my tongue. I needed help, and if I didn’t get it, I was probably going to barf on the kitchen floor. There was no way Mommy Dearest would ever let me live that down.

  I gritted my teeth instead and fought against another swell of nausea as I spat out my symptoms. “I feel sick, I was dizzy earlier, and I feel really bloated.”

  Also, as I crossed my arms, my boobs felt tender. “I think maybe it’s just my period.”

  Something flashed in my mother’s eyes and she gave her tongue a quick swipe along her thin lips. “What made you feel sick?”

  “I don’t know. I thought it was something I ate. I did eat Mexican last night, but I’ve been to that place before, and I’ve never gotten sick from the food.”

  “Okay, but what were you doing when you first started feeling it?” Her jaw tightened and there was this knowing light in her eyes that made me throw my hands up.

  “I was delivering ice cream to a day-care center, Mom. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Contrary to what you might believe, I don’t spend my days slacking off and getting drunk or whatever the hell you think.” I slammed my hand over my mouth, my eyes widening.

  I’d always had difficulty standing up to her. Mouthing off to her was unheard of.

  The flash of anger and irritation that had just gotten me so riled up was gone as fast as it had hit. My jaw slackened. I can’t believe I just did that.

  Absently nodding to herself, my mom lifted a hand to her neck. She just blinked at the floor for a minute, which wasn’t a place she ever looked. I braced myself to take whatever was about to come my way.

  It wasn’t going to be pretty. That was for sure. If I’d been holding back, it only stood to reason that she had been too, no matter how nasty she’d been to me in the past.

  What I wasn’t expecting was laughter. But that was what I got.

  She started laughing while she was still looking down. Then she arched an elegant brow at me. “You don’t need Elena to tell you what’s wrong with you, darling. I can tell you that. You’re pregnant.”

  “I’m…” I trailed off. Then I understood why she’d laughed. Pursing my lips, I rolled my eyes at her. “Sure, Mom. Very funny. There’s no way I’m pregnant and no way you’d know before I did.”

  “You might think there’s no way, but I can tell.” Her voice was unwavering, the expression in her eyes resolute. There wasn’t a trace of amusement anywhere, despite the laughter. “I know you dropped out of law school, but surely, you remember sex ed. If I’m not mistaken, that was taught in high school. If you’re sexually active, there’s always a way.”

  “But…” But what, Tiff?

  While I wanted nothing more than to argue with my mother, she did have a valid point. Callen and I were sexually active, which meant it wasn’t impossible. We’d always used protection, but that first time, the condom had torn, and even the times it hadn’t, it didn’t mean it hadn’t failed somehow.

  My head spun and my stomach rolled again. Blood pounded in my ears harder than before and my heart galloped so hard it felt like my ribs might crack.

  Mentally trying to add up days since my last period, I came up blank. Everything felt like a blur and my knees felt weak.

  When I lifted my eyes back to my mother’s, there was a strange kind of understanding in hers. “What you just described as your symptoms, combined with that sudden outburst of yours, was exactly how I felt the day I found out about you. Trust me, darling. You’re pregnant. We’d better get you some vitamins.”

  “Sure. Yeah. Vitamins.” I didn’t know what to do. The world was spinning faster than it should have been and white spots danced across my vision.

  The tips of fingers went ice cold, and before I could stop it, I felt bile rising in the back of my throat. Making a mad dash for my mother’s guest bathroom, I made it just in time to fall to my knees beside her toilet.

  When I eventually got back to the kitchen after rinsing out my mouth and splashing cold water on my face, my mother was standing with her hip against the counter waiting for me. “Well, that settles it. I hope it’s with that rich musician. Lord knows you’re going to need someone who can provide for you now.”

  In total shock, I could only stare at her before I spun around and raced back to my car. I might not have any idea what to do, but I knew what I wasn’t going to do. I wasn’t about to stand there listening to my mother talk about how I wouldn’t be able to provide for this baby myself.

  Holy shit. Holy fuck. I just thought about a baby. My baby. Crap. I’m going to puke again.

  Chapter 31

  Callen

  “Who’s that, Daddy?” Winter asked when we heard a knock at our door on Saturday morning.

  We were both in the living room, both still in our pajamas. Winter was drawing in a coloring book on the coffee table while I was sitting on the couch, doing nothing but staring.

  My guitar lay next to me, but I didn’t touch it. I hadn’t been able to get anything done on it since Winter asked that question yesterday morning. It had been twenty-four hours, and I was still reeling.

  Having cycled through too many emotions to even try remembering them all, I was numb now. I’d barely even processed that the sound at the door was a knock until Winter had asked who was there.

  Another question I can’t answer to her satisfaction, I thought bitterly. I knew it made no sense, but not much did right then. “I don’t know, sweetheart. Let me go check.”

  Lead formed a ball at the pit of my stomach. If it was Tiffeny, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I hadn’t heard from her since she’d left, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be stopping by.

  Blowing out a heavy sigh of relief after I swung the door open, I scratched the back of my head. “Thank God it’s you.”

  Clark opened his mouth, presumably to throw out some smart-ass retort, then thought better of it. His eyes dropped down the length of my body instead, and his jaw tightened. “What happened?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I glanced down at the tattered shirt I’d had on since yesterday, the holey shorts, and my bare feet. “I haven’t showered yet.”

  “No shit.” He stepped into the house around me, threw his sunglasses and keys onto the side table, and pierced me with a dark look. “What happened, Callen? This is like looking through a fucking mirror to what you looked like over a year ago.”

  I dragged my fingers through my hair and swallowed, my voice coming out raspy. “Winter’s in the living room.”

  “Okay.” His expression softened and he even managed a smile before he strode over to her. I followed but with far less of an idea about what was going on.

  Winter grinned when she looked up and saw him, jumping to her feet and throwing her arms around his shoulders. “Uncle Clark! Are you here to play pirates again?”

  “No, sweetie pie. I actually came to talk to your Daddy, but do you remember Julia made you those extra treasure maps the other day?”

  She nodded. “Yes. She said I could look for treasure every day if I wanted to.”

  “Exactly. Why don’t you go grab one of those from your room and go on a hunt while Daddy and I talk?”

  “Okay.” She ran off and I frowned after her, wondering why it wa
s that children were never that easy or obedient with their parents.

  Clark didn’t answer when I asked him, though. He grabbed my wrist, dragged me into the kitchen, sat me down, and handed me a beer. When he’d popped the top off one for himself, he fixed his gaze to mine.

  “Now talk. You look the same way you did six months after she died, and whatever happened now can’t have been nearly that bad.”

  “It’s not the same as losing her,” I said because it honestly wasn’t. “It’s just…”

  He gave me a minute, and when I still didn’t continue, he gave me another. Clark had been through a lot with me. He’d learned how to deal with me when I got like this, and he knew when to push me.

  Another few deep breaths later, I admitted the awful truth. “I didn’t lose her again, but I replaced her. Losing her wasn’t my choice, but replacing her? That was.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked, a frown deeper than the Grand Canyon on his forehead.

  “Tiffeny.” I nearly choked on her name. “Winter asked me if she was her mother after you guys left yesterday.”

  “Shit.” Clark deflated, all bravado vanishing as he set down the beer to scrub his hands repeatedly over his face. “Fuck, bro. I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “Welcome to the club. I didn’t know either.”

  “What did you say?” he asked.

  “Just that Tiffeny wasn’t her mother and no one else would ever be.” My voice cracked then. “I also told her that her mother was the greatest woman in the world. I don’t want Winter growing up thinking Tiffeny is her mother, man. How could I betray Alice’s memory that way? Tiffeny is fucking fantastic, but regardless of how I feel about her, she’s not Alice. Alice is and always will be Winter’s mom, but how the fuck am I supposed to explain that to a three-year-old?”