I'm in It

by Tammy Falkner

  Suddenly, he spins around, grabs me, and pulls me against him. His hand slides up the back of my neck until he sinks his fingers into my hair, holding tightly. He tugs until I look up at him. “Is this some kind of joke to you?” he asks.

  “No,” I rush to say.

  “Then stop playing,” he growls as he pushes me back against the shower wall.

  “I’m not playing.”

  “Yes, you are. You’re playing with my fucking heart and I love you enough that I don’t want to walk away.”

  “You love me?” I squeak out.

  He presses his hips against mine, his dick hot and hard against my belly. “I’m in this. I’ve been in it since it started. But I feel like I’ve been dragging you along with me.”

  “I’m not being dragged.”

  He presses his lips to my neck as his hips rock against mine. “What do you want?”

  “Just you.”

  “For how long?”

  “I-I…I don’t know.”

  He lets me go so quickly that I almost fall to the floor of the shower. Cool air surrounds me where his heat used to be.

  “What are you doing?” I ask as he opens the curtain and steps out.

  “I’m going to take Anna and Devon to the pool for a couple of hours. Check-out is at ten, so I’ll be back by then. Why don’t you try to get some sleep? It’ll be another long day of driving.” His voice is cold, his words quick and sharp like knives.

  “You’re leaving?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” I’m still standing naked in the shower and he’s leaving.

  “Because I can’t do this. I can’t be that guy.”

  “What guy?”

  “The guy you need. The guy who doesn’t give a fuck.”

  “I don’t want a guy who doesn’t give a fuck, Mick. What are you talking about?”

  “I get it, Wren. I really do. Your parents died. You met a man who would never love you. Your baby, who could have loved you unconditionally, died. You’ve lost a lot, more than anyone should ever have to lose. But I can’t be one of your casualties. You have to either be in it or out of it.”

  “I’m in it.” I’m standing here naked, for Christ’s sake.

  “I’m going to take the kids to the pool. Get some rest.”

  And then he wraps a towel around his waist and leaves me standing there wearing nothing but shame and fear.

  Mick

  I stop outside the bathroom door and wait, almost hoping she’ll follow me. If she does, I’ll have no choice but to take her fast and hard against the wall. I adjust the towel, because I feel like my balls are trying to crawl up my throat. I have never, ever felt like this before. I’ve never been this turned on.

  What’s sad is that she has no idea how much sheer willpower it took for me to turn her down. She was naked right in front of me, with her pert breasts up high, and her flat stomach leading down to a thatch of hair that was far from trimmed. It was perfect. Absolute perfection, and I was an idiot for turning her down.

  I reach my hand out to turn the knob and go back in, but then I stop. If I go in there, it will be nothing more than what it was two minutes ago. It will be nothing but me getting my rocks off while she pretends that all is right with the world.

  I’m sure it would be amazing, and earth-shattering, and it might even be life-changing, but it won’t be real. And I want something that’s real.

  I get dressed and open the bedroom door a crack. The two little ones are sleeping and the two older kids are quietly watching TV.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket and text my brother as I sit down on the edge of the bed.

  Me: Any chance you and Lark could come and help us with the kids?

  BestBrotherEver: Nope.

  Me: Why not?

  BestBrotherEver: Mom said we couldn’t, even if you called and begged and pleaded.

  Me: Are you serious?

  BestBrotherEver: Yes.

  BestBrotherEver: Want to tell me what’s wrong?

  Me: No.

  BestBrotherEver: Why not? I’ll pretend I don’t have balls and I’ll give you advice. Good advice. Advice you can only get from a woman.

  Me: Lark’s with you, huh?

  BestBrotherEver: Hi, Mick! It’s Lark. How’s my sister?

  Dripping wet in the shower where I just turned down sex with her, I think to myself.

  Me: She’s fine.

  BestBrotherEver: Are you sure?

  Me: I’m positive. I’m sitting right here looking at her.

  I’m looking at her naked in my mind’s eye, for fuck’s sake.

  BestBrotherEver: It’s me again. Lark is sending me to the store to get peanut butter and ice cream.

  Me: Pregnant food?

  BestBrotherEver: Did you know that pregnant women want to have sex all the time? It’s like heaven. With bitching and crying. Henry tells me not to try to fight with a hormone, that I can’t win. So, I just get crazy food and let her climb on the old Ryan pole any time she wants.

  Me: Ew

  BestBrotherEver: TMI?

  Me: Way TMI.

  BestBrotherEver: So what’s wrong? Why are you asking for help? Shit getting too real?

  Me: Define too real.

  BestBrotherEver: You’re feeling feelings and she’s feeling feelings and you’re both hot and sweaty and tired and you have kids stuck up your ass 24/7 and you’re stuck in a confined space with them. When that happens, things tend to get real. It’s like feelings and shit are sitting right there on the surface, and they’re just waiting to either be acknowledged or thumped away.

  I say nothing, because what Ryan’s saying sort of makes sense, and that scares the fuck out of me.

  Me: You been reading pregnancy books again?

  BestBrotherEver: No, I’m married and I love it. And I know if I was you, and I was stuck in confined spaces all day with the woman I love, I’d want to jump her bones, particularly late at night when she’s lying there breathing softly beside me.

  Me: .....

  BestBrotherEver: You tried to fuck her and she said no, right? I knew it.

  Me: No, that’s not what happened.

  BestBrotherEver: Oh my GOD! SHE tried to fuck YOU and YOU said no.

  Me: Shut up

  BestBrotherEver: You turned down pussy you’re in love with.

  Me: It’s not the right time.

  BestBrotherEver: You waiting for her to drop down on her knees and profess her undying love for you?

  Me: Shut up

  BestBrotherEver: Oh my GOD. You are!

  Me: I hate you.

  BestBrotherEver: Did you tell her about Nicky?

  Me: No

  BestBrotherEver: Why not?

  Me: What good would that do?

  BestBrotherEver: It would help her understand why you’re not taking her up on the pussy buffet, dumbass.

  Me: Nicky was a long time ago.

  BestBrotherEver: And it explains why you’re looking for the perfect happily-ever-after rather than sex.

  BestBrotherEver: Tell her.

  Me: I don’t think that’ll solve anything.

  BestBrotherEver: Hey, all this love bullshit is amazing, but Lark wants to talk to Wren and she’s not answering her phone. So your phone’s going to ring in 3…2…1…

  Me: I hate you.

  BestBrotherEver: I love you too. Answer your fucking phone so my wife will stop texting me.

  My phone rings and I swipe the slider.

  “Hey, Mick,” Lark says. “Is my sister around?”

  “She’s in the bathroom.”

  “Can you pass her the phone? It’ll only take a second.”

  “Hang on.”

  I knock lightly on the bathroom door. Wren opens it. Apparently, she showered, because she’s wrapped in a towel.

  “Lark wants to talk to you.”

  She nods, but she doesn’t look me in the eye. My fingertips brush hers when she takes the phone from me, and heat shoots straight up my arm. I s
wear I hear her let out a breathy little gasp, just before she jerks the phone, and her hand, away and closes the door.

  I get Anna and Devon ready to go swimming for a couple of hours, and herd them out the door.

  Wren

  I lift Mick’s phone to my ear. “Lark? Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. You weren’t answering your phone. I don’t care if you had a reason for not answering it.”

  I snort. “Well, that’s nice of you.”

  “Are you guys doing okay?” she asks.

  “I don’t know,” I breath out on a heavy sigh.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know.” And I really don’t. I have no idea.

  Mick’s phone gets a text and I pull it away from my face just long enough to look down.

  BestBrotherEver: Tell her about Nicky. It’ll help her understand.

  Nicky? Who’s Nicky?

  “Earth to Wren. Are you there?”

  “Who’s Nicky?” I ask.

  Lark goes silent.

  “Lark? Do you know who Nicky is?”

  “Only what Ryan has told me.”

  “And what has Ryan told you?”

  “Nothing much, really…”

  “Lark.” I wait.

  “Wren, I can’t. It’s not my story to tell. I’m sorry.”

  “Is she an old girlfriend?”

  “Wren!” she cries out. “I can’t.”

  “Just tell me something. Anything. Please.”

  “She’s someone they grew up with. She went to deaf school with Ryan, and Mick met her when they went to the same college.”

  “She’s deaf?”

  “Yes.”

  “And she knew them both.”

  “Yes.”

  “Which one of them did she date?”

  “Well, she didn’t date Ryan, that’s for sure.”

  “So, she dated Mick.”

  “Stop it!” I imagine her covering her ears and singing la-la-la-la-la to herself. “The one time I met her, she was very nice.”

  “You met her?”

  “Just the one time. She goes to the same deaf socials Ryan and Mick go to.” She pauses, and then her voice goes soft. “Do you ever ask him about himself, Wren? Do you try to find out what he’s passionate about? Do you ask him what sports teams he likes? What are his favorite foods?”

  No, because I’m a selfish bitch. “Sometimes,” I say quietly.

  “If you did, you’d know about Nicky.”

  “I tried to rush things today,” I blurt out. Then I cover my face in embarrassment, even though no one can see me.

  “Well, slow it down. Learn something about him. Ask him questions. Get to know him. Do this thing the right way.”

  I bite my lower lip until it hurts, and say nothing.

  “You know that night, the night when you lost your baby?” Her voice is quiet and soft, like she’s talking to a baby bird that will fly away if she’s too loud.

  “Yes.” I still relive it in my dreams.

  “He told me not to tell you, but he never left the hospital that night.”

  “Yes, he did. He kissed me on the forehead, and then he left.”

  “No, he didn’t. He told us not to tell you, but when you told him you wanted him to leave, he sat in the waiting room the whole night. We all came and went as we went in to see you, and he just sat there. He was still there when you were discharged. He waited all that time, just to be sure you were okay.”

  I’ve been such an idiot. “I never knew that.”

  “And then you didn’t take his calls.”

  “I climbed into the shower naked with him,” I blurt out.

  She laughs. “Well, that might not have been a good idea.”

  “He turned me down.”

  “Good for him. Emilio will love him.”

  “Should I ask him about Nicky?”

  “Ask him about some other stuff first.”

  “Okay.”

  “Aside from the shower incident, you guys are doing okay? Kids are fine?”

  “Oh, they’re great.” Just as I say that, I hear one of them wake up in the other room. “Speaking of which, I need to go take care of them.”

  “Okay, talk to you later.”

  “I love you, Lark,” I say. “I’m glad you called.”

  “I love you too. Call me if you need someone to talk you off the ledge. Or out of the shower stall. Or anything else.”

  “Sure thing. Bye.”

  I hang up the phone while my mind whirls. I think I have some questions to ask Mick.

  Mick

  When I go back to the room, Wren is changing Chase’s diaper. The smell is awful. “Here, let me do that,” I say as I usher Anna and Devon into the room.

  “I can do it,” Wren says. “Though I had no idea such a little guy could make so much poop.”

  Chase wiggles his naked legs and smiles up at Wren.

  “Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?” she says as she tickles the bottoms of his feet. He kicks, still smiling.

  “You better cover that thing up,” I warn. “Or he’s going to–”

  Wren squeals and jerks her head back, but it’s too late, because Chase just peed right in her eye. She holds one eye shut and stares at me. I rush to get her a towel.

  “I tried to warn you,” I say. I pat the side of her face.

  “I didn’t know he could shoot a stream like that. It was like a geyser.”

  “Right in your face.” I try to look as serious as possible, but it’s hard.

  Finally, she laughs. And it’s not a little snicker. It’s a full-out belly laugh. She laughs so hard that her cheeks turn red and she can’t catch her breath.

  “Is she okay?” Anna asks. She puts herself behind my leg.

  “It’s like he has his own fire hose,” Wren says over a snicker.

  “I’m so sorry that happened,” I say as I pat the hair dry at her temple. I catch myself grinning.

  “It’s not like you peed on me, Mick.” Her eyes meet mine. Then she turns to Anna and Devon. “Did you guys have fun?”

  They start to tell her about their swim as she finishes diapering Chase. Then she points to her head. “I think I should probably wash the pee from my hair. It’s not very sexy.”

  “What does sexy mean?” Devon asks.

  Wren stops. “Um…”

  “It means funny and smart,” I say. “People who are funny and smart are really sexy.”

  “Wren is really sexy,” Anna tosses out.

  I look at her. “Yes, she really is,” I say quietly.

  “I’m sexy too!” Devon says.

  “You sure are,” Wren says. Then she leans down to kiss his forehead. But he squeals and cries out.

  “You have baby pee on your face. Don’t kiss me!” Then he laughs and runs away from her.

  “You can either get in the shower right now and wash the chlorine off you, or I’m coming to kiss you. I might even rub my hair all over you.” She makes a move like she’s going to chase him, and he squeals and runs into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. She ruffles Anna’s hair. “You can use the shower in the other bathroom, kiddo.”

  “The kids can wait. I’m sure you want to wash the pee out of your hair.” I snicker. I can’t help it. It’s funny.

  Wren crosses to her small suitcase and gets out a bottle of travel shampoo. “I can do mine in the sink. We should probably get on the road.”

  “If you’re sure…” I say. But she’s already moving toward the sink carrying one of the extra towels she asked for last night.

  “It’ll only take a second,” she says.

  She bends over the sink, her long dark hair falling in waves against the porcelain. She uses the sprayer to wet it.

  “Here,” I say. “Let me help.” I set Chase in his bouncy seat and go to her.

  “I can do it,” she protests.

  I step up behind her, my left leg against the back of her right leg. She instantly fr
eezes. “Chase peed on you and it’s at least partially my fault, so let me help you. This doesn’t look like a very comfortable position you’re in.”

  I take the sprayer and wet her hair as she blocks the water from running into her eyes with her hands. “Thank you,” she says.

  “Sure thing,” I grunt out.

  She holds out the bottle, and I pour a little shampoo into my hands. Then I start to work it into her hair. She lets out a little sound of pleasure.

  “Did you say something?” I ask, stopping for a moment.

  “No,” she squeaks. Then she clears her throat and says, “I didn’t say anything.”

  “I think we should probably have a talk about earlier,” I say quietly as I rinse her hair.

  “Do we have to?” she asks, her voice nasally from being flipped over.

  I rinse her hair, taking a lot longer than it should take, just because I like being close to her. I like doing these intimate little tasks. I shouldn’t like it as much as I do.

  I hand her a towel and she wraps her head like a turban, and stands up. She’s not wearing any makeup and her hair is in a towel, but I’ve never thought she was prettier, not even the night she dressed up for my work party.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” she suddenly blurts out.

  I brush back a damp lock of hair that has fallen across her forehead. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I was an ass, and I’m sorry.”

  “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Do you know that I’ve never even kissed you?” I whisper, looking from her eyes to her nose to her lips.

  “You’ve kissed me lots of times,” she retorts.

  “I’ve kissed you on the forehead, and I’ve kissed you on the cheek, and I think I kissed the corner of your mouth one time, but I’ve never kissed you. Not really.”

  “Oh,” she says.

  I wrap my arm around her waist and jerk her to me so fast she lets out a startled breath. Her palms land flat on my chest to steady her. “I think we should change that.” I kiss her softly on her cheek.

  “I think I’d like that.”