by K Harris
After jumping his bones, stepping completely out of the box as to dome him up at first introduction to his dick, I figured that he would surely lose his luster. The new toy look, smell, and feel would vanish just as any new plaything would, but no his aura hung around like a thick fog. If this is the type of dickmatization that these boys put on these chicks, it’s no wonder they walk around like mindless, mumbling idiots. But could I sit idly by as another bitch slides up next to him was the question that plagued my mind?
~
The ride to the mountains was a needed distraction for me. My thoughts ran wild thinking about what I should do about Wolf. Should I leave our brief interaction be or should I seek more? Could I handle more?
Once I saw my mama’s, all the weight that I had been battling with lighten just a little. The first night in the mountains unleashed a shit ton of discoveries and helped Dez in sorting out some things. Not wanting the spotlight anywhere near my confusion, I was more than happy to speak on her issues with Cage. All too soon it was time to turn in for the night. Those dreaded visions and thoughts of Wolf resurfaced with a vengeance. Admittedly so, I wasn’t ready.
“So, tell me who has my baby all in her feelings?” My mother asked. I was silently watching Dez and Ma-2 through the patio doors while enjoying the peacefulness of the landscape.
“What makes you think that there is a someone?”
“Don’t bullshit me, little girl, I lived in a constant state of denial when I started to see Mae differently. I wasn’t a lesbian is what I constantly argued. Fuck the title, that woman is the love of my life and the delay was for one reason only, to create you.” She beamed lovingly. “After your father,” I interrupted her words for he was no father of mine.
“Sperm donor,” I corrected.
“After your sperm donor left me high and dry, I thought for sure my life was over. True enough, I damn near hated his guts anyway just because he was an inconsiderate asshole most of the time, but we had a baby to think about. In my delusional sentimental state, I figured it would benefit you most if we gave our relationship a fighting chance. Fooled me, that bastard had a woman in another city. He apparently met her while he was on the road. Damn truck drivers,” she cursed. There goes my affiliation with truck drivers, maybe I was purposely seeking them out to fuck and duck as punishment for him.
“So, you can understand my distrust for the male species? They are all mangy mutts that were created to disappoint.”
“Uhm no ma’am, I sure do not see your reasoning.” She laughed. “Don’t get me wrong, I had some very bitter feelings towards him and his many lies that he told but I refuse to hold onto that resentment. The spirit of resentment can falter forward progress for the holder baby girl. You don’t want to stunt your growth or the ceiling that holds many blessings to come, do you?”
“…”
“My baby, you were created through dealing with him, but you are indeed the love child of me and Mae. We raised you, groomed you, and you became a younger mixed version of us. That damn Mae is sharp as a butcher knife and I’m sweet as pie but laced with arsenic when need be.”
“Sweet as pie, mama really.”
“This is my story to tell, if you don’t like it you know what to do.” She rolled her eyes at me. “Anyway, your trust has been broken since then and understandably so. I tried to block you from his mess but you still wound up getting burned. Every man is not him and the good ones damn sure don’t deserve to pay for the mistakes of others.”
“Then there is that,” I commented. That was the catch in doing me, some innocent folks could possibly get hurt. Since I don’t particularly vet my conquests, I’m not looking to see who actually may want something meaningful. My in and out before they could get attached mindset was working great until that damn Wolf. “Wolf fucked up my groove.” Offhandedly, I commented.
“Wolf? That’s a road name if I ever heard one. Finally got tangled up with a biker, it was bound to happen. What did Mr. Wolf do?”
“What do you mean finally? I have avoided them like an STD since I was old enough to date.”
“Exactly, now look at you. Stuck,” she laughed. “If you can’t be real with your girls, then be real with your mommy. You know good and damn well I will never steer you wrong.”
“If you tell me to let go and go with the flow like Wood, then yes you will be wrong.”
“My baby boy knows what he is talking about, with his limited speech having ass.”
“Nothing has changed on that front, that’s for sure.”
“This I know, but the advice still makes the most sense.”
“He called me a control freak.”
“Where is the lie?”
“Mama?”
“Don’t mama me, that is one of my most disgusting traits, unfortunately. Mae is so smooth with ignoring my little rants or tantrums of wanting shit my way. Who knows, this Wolf character may be the same for you.”
“He is something.”
“Damn, it’s like that? What did he do to my mean ole baby? How else did I know that something was going on and it has nothing to do with Destiny or you being happy to see me? You needed some mama advice and over the phone, you can hide how you truly feel. It’s easy to hide your true emotions without some serious face to face time.” When she mentioned face time, I spit all my juice out across the room. “Shit, maybe face time wasn’t such a good idea if it’s gonna make you do that.” She joked as she began to clean the mess up.
“Please, you gotta stop saying facetime.”
“Why? What’s wrong with face time?”
“Did I hear my favorite past time mentioned?” Nix bounced into the room. “Good morning mommy,” she gave my mama a side hug.
“Morning Nix, can you please fill me in on the mystery behind face time? What am I missing?”
“My pleasure,” Nix beamed. “Well, you know…”
“Nix!” I shushed.
“Girl bye, mommy is a grown woman. To put it bluntly, it’s putting the kitty smack dab on the cheerful givers face.” She winked.
“Well damn, you youngsters sure know how to spin shit to be downright dirty.”
“Mama, you cannot talk. When I realized some of the side convos that you and ma-2 had back in the day, I wanted to pluck out my eardrums.”
“That’s what you get for listening to grown folks’ conversations.”
“True that,” I nodded.
“Now what does Wolf, and face timing have to do with the other. You didn’t get all weird about that until I mentioned you talking to me about him and why you have been a little bothered.”
“Do I need to give you some privacy? I know how touchy you can be when it comes to Wolf’s ass.”
“What about Wolf?” Dez questioned. I didn’t even realize they were done with their discussion outside.
“With his fine ass,” Debra grunted.
“All tall and tatted, yes ma’am,” Deloris added.
“Don’t get cut, look at her eyes.” Nix nudged them.
“Kill the daggers,” Deb giggled. “He only got eyes for you,” Del added.
“Somebody finally tamed my little foul mouth daughter,” Ma-2 questioned.
“Ma-2,” my eyes ballooned at her statement.
“Don’t Ma-2 me, it’s about time your little freaky-deeky ass met somebody that matched your spunk.”
“From the way she keeps clamming up, I would say she has met someone who has tamed her spunk, or he is damn sure close.” My mama pointed out.
“Hold up, are you holding out on me?” Dez questioned with a shocked expression.
“Huh,” I weakly questioned. The room erupted into laughter.
“Oh, that’s messed up and you were badgering me about Cage’s ass, I see you.”
“To be fair Sis, you have been handed one master screw after another. I didn’t want to weigh you down with my hang-ups.”
“Finally, she admits it. She is hung up on Wolf.” Nix shouted.
“I did
not!”
“YOU DID!” Everyone said in unison.
“Fuck it, I fucked up.”
“Hallelujah, we have a breakthrough.”
“I hate you,” I pouted at Nix.
“Ah, get in line Pookie.” She blew me a kiss that made me laugh.
“I was so sure that I could operate like I usually do when it came to the D. Thanks to my boy AC losing a bet, I was smuggled into his room the night he got his colors. You know to give him a celebratory gift.”
“Ooh, you hoe,” Dez smirked.
“I wanna know how low did the hoe go,” Nix leaned in as if it were going to make the story better.
“Too damn low, I pulled out some tricks of the trade to make his toes curl. All I can say is, I wasn’t expecting the outcome from that rodeo show. It was a challenge to keep my composure, that’s about all that I feel comfortable in explaining.”
“Ahh shit, Wolf packing some thunder too. Maybe I need to get me a Knight,” Nix grinned. Double D’s slapped hands with her in affirmation.
“So, the D was whipped on you even while you were supposedly in control, gotcha. What’s the problem?” Mae asked.
“Scratch that, what does that have to do with face time? Did you sit on his face too or is that how you…” Mama began but Mae cut her off.
“Face time? What the hell,” she laughed. Nix didn’t waste a second in providing the meaning to Ma-2.
“Oh Lord, I will never look at my iPhone quite the same ever again.”
“No ma, I didn’t…I mean he didn’t…” I stuttered.
“This isn’t about that creepy dude Gary is it?” Dez asked.
“You find him creepy too,” I asked.
“Him just randomly popping up at the Inkwell was a little weird, and how did he know where to find you?”
“That’s what I said, sister. She was so in her feelings, trying to pretend that Wolf being surrounded by the skeezer crew didn’t bother her she missed the Creepshow.”
“Fine, whatever. I snuck out to meet Gary but overheard him and his boys discussing some type of orgy. Either way, I booked it back to my side of the fence with the quickness. Later that night when I finally went to my room, Wolf was outside my door and he wasn’t happy. He had a little to say about Gary’s nasty ass, but he showed his frustrations in other ways.” I recalled our conversation in the hall and shivered when memories of the shower came floating back.
“Not the shiver, it was like that,” Dez commented.
“Let’s just say, I blacked out.”
“BLACKED OUT?!” The room shouted.
“What are y’all a concert choir now? Yes, I passed the hell out. Happy?”
“Wait, wait, wait…” Nix waved her hands in the air. “Blacked out because of how intense he was or…?”
“Pause, are we talking about the peen,” Deb asked and Del finished. “Or are we talking face action?”
“He manipulated me until I blacked out from the best oral that I have ever experienced. That shit has only been mentioned in books and shit, I thought it was fake.”
“DAMN!”
“He wouldn’t stop, and he had me restrained in some weird hold with one damn hand. Strong bastard,” I grumbled the last part. “And then he left before I woke up.
“I’m trying to find the problem.” Mama shrugged and laughed. “Aside from leaving, that would be a problem but maybe something came up. You don’t know. Hell, did you even ask him about it?”
“We haven’t actually been in the same vicinity since then.”
“Shit it sounds like Wolf is a keeper for putting up with your mean ass anyway. First, you force yourself on the man, on some true dude shit and I know you dipped on him before anything else could be established. Tell me I’m lying,” Ma-2 dared me.
“Back this train up, Syd did you nut and leave?” Nix asked.
“Please tell me you didn’t,” Dez put her face in her hands.
“What?” I shrugged.
“Ah damn!”
“It was too much. It’s like his dick game and his head game is all about domination. I refuse to be a mindless, spineless old lady.”
“Well damn, tell us how you really feel.” Dez scowled.
“You know what I mean, I don’t mean you.”
“Tell me anything,” she snorted.
“I highly doubt Wolf wants you to be a bubbling, mumbling idiot. Hell, any of the Knights for that matter, especially the younger generation. The older ones had some issues, but your auntie was nothing like that.” Mama said.
“Damn control freak, just like your mama.” Mae rolled her eyes.
“I told her the same thing.”
“That’s for damn sure,” everyone else commented.
“Hold up, y’all need to get up off me.”
“Why? You have no problem speaking your mind when you feel the urge. It’s open season boo. Need I remind you that we all hashed out some of my setbacks dealing with Cage yesterday. Your turn,” Dez stuck her tongue out.
“Look, little girl, I know you are hung up on what your daddy did to me. He was a dog, oh well moving on. Don’t punish Wolf for some shit a man did that you didn’t even know. Life is too damn short to be worried about what bad things could happen when you haven’t given what could possibly be good a chance.”
“But submitting though? Claiming? It sounds so damn barbaric.”
“It only sounds barbaric when you think of it as giving up a piece of yourself.” Dez corrected.
“Isn’t that what you are suffering from?”
“No, I am afraid of giving Cage a piece of myself only to find out that he is trying to scratch an itch. I don’t know if I would survive being hurt by him again. In your case, you won’t even entertain the notion. You have already grouped Wolf in the dog box. He doesn’t deserve it.”
“Agreed.”
“True shit sis, you are prone to dealing with truckers and people that are unavailable because you view them as safe. Plus, they don’t mind you treating them like little bitches. Wolf, albeit younger, is ALL man. He flat-out refuses to let you run him around by his balls, come and go as you please.”
“So, it’s okay for him to leave me but I can’t do the same? What kind of sexist shit is that? He can but I can’t, double standard much.”
“No ma’am, I’m not saying it was okay that he left you after a morning of mind-blowing Facetime. But peep this, where was it okay for you to ambush him and dip out before the cum dried?” Nix asked with a straight face.
“Who said I did that?”
“You just did by asking a question with a question.”
“In other words, you just hoed his ass,” Del said.
“And he paid your ass back,” Deb finished.
“Sounds about right,” Dez and Nix commented.
Though I was doing my best to refute their analyzation of my life, I had to admit that they were right. In every way, I had treated Wolf like one of my fuck buddies. Fear was a muthafucka and that bitch was riding my shoulders with a vengeance. How did I get over my issues without just diving into an uncomfortable position?
“This has turned into a serious pow-wow session. Let’s get some food bumping and fill our bellies.” Mama said and the ladies agreed we needed to shift the atmosphere. The heaviness of the first twenty-four hours of our vacation has been eye-opening indeed.
Chapter Five
Syd
The last month or so has been a whirlwind of breakthroughs, revelations, and a bunch of soul-searching on my behalf. After the trip to the mountains, I realized just how broken and deluded I had become. My view on relationships was tainted because of my dumb ass sperm donor. Every man in my path was judged by that misguided scale, assuming that they were all no damn good. Only good for my pleasure, not allowing myself to become open or vulnerable to anyone for fear that they would eventually let me down.
The mamas and my sisters quickly put my behavior and my thought process in check by having me evaluate my reaction to Wol
f. They also challenged me to take some time for myself. Meaning no sex and limited flirting, mainly to focus on what I needed and desired out of life. Did I see a future with anyone? If so, could I imagine being treated like a doormat and did I really want a weak man that would accept such behavior? The answer to the last two questions was absolutely not.
Though my adult sex life has been centered around dealing with truckers because of their limited availability, having stability would be nice. Every time my mind would venture into the what if, fairy tale stories of forever after, a picture of Wolf would appear. The only dilemma with that was, I don’t think he wants anything to do with me. If so, wouldn’t he have called or shown some sort of interest when he came home for the grand re-opening ceremony? After the way that I treated him before and then avoided him like he was diseased, who could blame him for keeping his distance.
With the unveiling of The Wolf’s Den, I was surprised to see him in the place. Even though Lincoln was his home, he rarely traveled from Nashville unless he was going on a job for the club. Because it was club business, we were unaware just what all they did and where they were headed to next. Dez is the only one who has been enlisted to participate in a mission. When a few disappeared, it was common knowledge that is was for work. As for Wolf, he silently moved around so I was always shell-shocked yet pleased when I would catch a glimpse of him.
Truth be told, I missed seeing his face every day. Once he was introduced into my little place on Earth, I needed to set eyes on him as often as I needed air in my lungs. Though I was celebrating a huge accomplishment, I couldn’t help but be preoccupied with wanting to be near Wolf. There was still some soul searching that needed to be done because my view on relationships was far from healthy, but the important part was, I was trying. If the hard case like Cage could change the way he moved about, I damn sure could try.
“The Wolf’s Den, nice.” My mamas commented.
“The den in a house is where everybody goes to relax, catch the game, or shoot the shit so why not. Typically, when you think of a wolf den, most folks think of a man cave and where women are concerned it’s a ‘she shed’ like the commercial.” I commented making the folks around laugh.