The Surrogate’s Gift

by Davis, L. G.

  Left alone, I lie on my bed, stretch out my arms and enjoy the delicious silence.

  After five minutes, I get up again and open the windows. A strange feeling comes over me when I don’t see Marcia, Travis, or Agnes.

  I’m free.

  Before settling in, I call Clayton.

  “What a lovely surprise,” he says. “I never thought you’d call.”

  “Well, someone told me to call them when I have time. And as it turns out, that’s all I have for the next three days.”

  “Why three days?”

  “I’m not staying with the Thorpes right now. I’ve moved into a hotel for the weekend. Well, they checked me into the hotel.” I lean into the mountain of cushions.

  “Sounds like fun. In that case, I have a proposal to make. Let me take you to dinner tomorrow night. My mother would be happy to have Heidi all to herself. I could propose lunch, but you should experience Wellice by night.”

  “Sounds great. Let’s do it.” I pause. “A quick warning though, after 9:00 p.m., I’m usually knocked out and ready for bed. Making a baby takes quite a lot of energy.”

  When he laughs, a warm, pleasant sensation unfurls inside my belly. I pretend it’s not there.

  “Okay,” he says. “I promise to bring you back to the hotel by 9:00 p.m., at the latest.”

  “Then it’s a date,” I blurt, then smack my forehead. “I mean, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  It’s not a date. Just two friends meeting up to eat food. Nothing more.

  “It’s a date,” he says with a chuckle, and we hang up.

  I’m unpacking my things when I come across an old photo, tucked away in one of the side pockets. When I pull it out and stare at it, my good mood evaporates and my eyes blur with tears.

  Unable to deal with the emotions it’s bringing up, I push the photo back in its place and change my mind about unpacking. Instead, I leave the suite and go out for a walk in the hotel garden. I opt for a bench in front of the fountain. Wherever I go, I tend to gravitate toward water, searching for the kind of peace only it can give.

  Memories of the past take me to such a dark place that it’s hard to pull myself out.

  The baby is the light at the end of the tunnel, for both me and the Thorpes.

  Thirteen

  Past

  The phone rang. When I saw who the call was from, my fingers tightened around the device and my body tensed.

  The last time I talked to Rachel on the phone was a year ago. The day after I made the decision not to be their surrogate, the day I lost her. Before that, we used to speak at least once a day.

  Now we emailed or texted no more than once a month, like strangers. I tried calling her several times, but she never answered. Those calls were usually followed by a text from her.

  What do you want?

  I wanted my sister back. I wanted to fix what I broke. Unfortunately, wanting something too badly was often a guarantee that you wouldn’t get it.

  I curled up in bed, still holding the phone in a vise grip.

  The desire to hear my sister’s voice after so many months came hand in hand with crippling anxiety. With so much pain hanging between us, how would we even start the conversation?

  I’d lost count of how many of my apologies went ignored. The endless texts, the long emails, all unanswered and left to go stale. When we communicated, I would always say, “How are you doing? I hope you’re okay,”

  The answer was always the same, a copy and paste text of two simple words: I’m fine. A lie. She wasn’t fine. She probably never would be.

  I understood her pain and bitterness. I understood why she hated me. I chose a man over her. I let her down when she needed me most.

  The decision I made to cancel the arrangement I had made with Rachel and Peter had more to do with me than with Chad. I knew that now. It had to do with the fear of letting Rachel down. If it didn’t work for Rachel so many times over, why would it work for me? What if I couldn’t conceive or couldn’t carry the baby to term? What if instead of joy I brought her pain?

  I chose to chicken out so I wouldn’t end up hurting her. But I did anyway.

  Now I had another chance to make things right. If I had to apologize a thousand times, so be it.

  I inhaled and pressed the button.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said before she had a chance to speak. “I’m sorry that I hurt you like that. I feel terrible.” As tears sprung to my eyes, I yanked a tissue from a box on my nightstand. “I shouldn’t have chosen Chad.”

  I didn’t tell her that things with Chad were not working out, that our relationship was broken.

  It all started two months ago, after he let it slip that he did propose to test if I loved him enough to choose him over Rachel. One truth followed another, and eventually he admitted he wasn’t ready to get married anytime soon. We were still together, but the sting of betrayal ran deep.

  I was so stupid. I should have known what he was doing.

  He never admitted it to me, but I got the impression that he was jealous of my relationship with Rachel. When he became a part of my life, my sister and I had been inseparable. We were twins, after all. It was us as against the world. As an only child, he found it hard to understand the bond we shared.

  Sometimes I asked myself one question. If he had not proposed that day, would I have gone through with the surrogacy, or would I have ended up still disappointing Rachel?

  The silence on the other end stretched and thickened. Rachel was digesting what I said. She had not forgiven me, but if she was not ready to accept my apology, why did she reach out?

  She coughed and went silent again for a few seconds before finally speaking.

  “I’m not calling to talk about that,” she said. “I don’t… I don’t want to discuss it. I have some good news.” Her tone transformed from somber to light and excited.

  Rachel had always been that way. When she was deeply hurt, she ignored the pain rather than talking about it. I was the opposite. It tortured me so much more to hold it in, but I followed her lead this time.

  “Tell me.” I crumpled the tissue in my hand and forced a smile. “I’d love to hear the good news.” Trying to lighten my voice rang false.

  “I’m pregnant,” she squealed.

  There it was again, the excitement in her voice, the hope that came with every new pregnancy. Like the past never happened. I wanted to be happy for her, but her words settled in my stomach like a stone sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

  After what happened last time, doctors told her another pregnancy would be a risk for her and the baby, and she should perhaps consider other options. But Rachel was never one to quit, even when things got hard.

  “I’m so happy for you, Rachel,” I said with tears in my eyes, both tears of joy and dread. “That’s really… wow. That is great news.”

  I wasn’t about to make her feel bad by reminding her of the danger. I had no right, especially since I refused to eliminate the danger for her when I had the opportunity. It was too late now. She was already pregnant. There was no going back. After the damage I had caused, I had another chance to support her.

  “Do you mean it?” she asked. “You’re really happy for me?”

  “Of course I am,” I said. “How can you even ask that?”

  “Thank you.” She giggled. “You know what? I have a good feeling that this is it. I think this time it will work.”

  I silently prayed it would.

  “Peter must be so happy,” I said.

  “Very happy. He feels the same way I do. We will get to meet this baby.”

  Peter shared the same kind of enthusiasm and hope as his wife. He focused on the good rather than the bad, the present rather than the past. He lived life forward instead of in rewind.

  Who was I to doubt them?

  “Let’s meet for lunch tomorrow, so I can tell you all about it. I’ll bring the ultrasound photo.”

  “Yes, that would be really nice.” I bit back tears.
r />   We talked about the baby for an hour. When doubts and fears arose in me, I pushed them down. I was putting my sister first this time. She was the most important person to me.

  I lifted my left hand and the engagement ring glinted at me, reminding me of what I had done, urging me to make things right.

  After Rachel’s call, I met Chad for breakfast, like I did every Saturday morning. As soon as I entered the restaurant, his creased brow, rigid posture, and narrowed eyes warned me that something was wrong.

  “What’s up?” I asked, bending to kiss him on the lips. He turned to give me his cheek instead.

  “I tried calling you several times,” he said, dropping into his chair. “You didn’t pick up.”

  “Rachel called me.” I couldn’t hide the smile that crept up on my face.

  He stiffened. “Rachel? Your sister?”

  “I only have one sister.” I picked up the menu even though I already knew what I was having. “Should we order?”

  “What did she want?” Chad asked.

  I lowered the menu and smiled at him. “She’s pregnant again.”

  “I thought you two don’t speak anymore.” His mouth stretched into a tight-lipped smile.

  “We made up. She reached out to me.”

  “Well, since you have her back, I guess you don’t need me anymore. You’ll continue to put that woman first.”

  “What are you saying, Chad? She’s my sister. I haven’t spoken to her on the phone in a year. Can’t you try to be happy for me?”

  He scoffed. “I want to, but I can’t. Now that Rachel is back in your life, you’ll no longer have time for us.” His fingers drummed an annoying tune on the table. “And when she loses her baby again, and we both know she will, you’ll be the one at her side for weeks on end. You’ll put our relationship and your life on hold again.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Grace, but I can’t do this anymore.”

  “How dare you?” I snapped. My temples throbbed with rage. “I never thought you were this cruel. How could you say those things?”

  “No,” he retorted. “You’re cruel to let her back into your life after she’s ignored you for a year. The world always has to revolve around her. I’m sick of it.”

  “You know what, Chad?” I pushed my chair back and shot to my feet. “I have bad news for you. Rachel will never go away. When she needs me, I will be there for her. I won’t let you make me feel guilty for that.”

  “I guess this won’t work then,” he said, his jaw tight.

  “I was about to say the same thing.”

  I started to walk away from the table when he called my name.

  I spun around. “What?” I didn’t care that people were watching, that I was embarrassing him.

  “Can I have my ring back?” His face showed no expression whatsoever.

  “Of course,” I said, sliding it off my finger. I returned to the table and dropped it into his cup of coffee. Then I turned and walked out of his life forever.

  Again, in one single day, I had lost one relationship and gained another.

  Fourteen

  Present

  “Clayton tells me that you’re from Miami,” Nina Price says, putting a slice of whole wheat bread on my plate, next to the cold meats.

  She looks nothing like her son. While he’s on the darker side, she has pale blonde hair, pale skin, with a spattering of freckles, and clear blue eyes.

  It’s my last day away from the Thorpes, and Clayton talked me into having breakfast at his place with his mother and daughter. Apparently, it had been Nina’s idea to invite me over.

  “Yes, I am,” I reply.

  Nina takes a seat. “Can you believe I’ve never been to a big city before? Not even when Clayton lived in Washington, DC. They terrify me! Too many people, too much traffic.”

  “I totally get you,” I say.

  “Mom, did I tell you that Grace was a magazine editor?” Clayton asks while cutting Heidi’s sausages into smaller pieces.

  “Well, that’s fancy,” Nina says. “What made you quit all that and come here to...” Her voice drifts off and she looks into her food. It’s as if she’s realized that her question may be more personal than she meant it to be.

  “It doesn’t matter why Grace left her job, Mom,” Clayton cuts in. “She chose to do something nice for somebody. Isn’t that all that matters?”

  They have no idea that I left the job long before I decided to become a surrogate.

  “Of course.” Red spots appear on Nina’s cheeks. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Grace. It’s hard to know what to say.”

  “You didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.” I stab a baby tomato with my fork and bring it to my lips. “It’s actually refreshing for someone to talk about it in front of me. Most people around here discuss it behind my back.”

  “See, Clayton.” Nina throws her son a look. “She doesn’t mind talking about it.”

  Looks like Clayton had warned her beforehand against bringing up the topic. But how could she not? It’s not as if I can hide my pregnancy.

  “Is the baby’s daddy in Miami?” Heidi asks.

  The fork that was on its way to my lips freezes in midair. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bring up the topic in front of Clayton’s daughter. She would not understand.

  “Heidi,” Clayton scolds, then looks at me. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s fine.” I wait until I’ve finish chewing before I address her question. “Actually, the father of the baby is right here in Wellice.”

  “Is he your husband?” she asks, her head tipped to the side, and her big, brown eyes bright with innocence.

  Clayton closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. When he attempts to speak, I hold up a hand to stop him. The child deserves to know the truth, at least some version of it.

  I raise both my eyebrows, asking for permission without words.

  He shrugs and leans back in his chair.

  “You know what?” I fill Heidi’s glass with more apple juice mixed with water. “I want to tell you a little secret. The baby inside my tummy is not mine.”

  Heidi’s eyes widen with curiosity. “Somebody else’s baby is in your tummy? That’s funny.”

  “A little, but it’s also exciting.”

  Heidi glances at her father. “I don’t understand.”

  “Sweetheart,” Clayton interjects. “Grace is a nice person. She’s so nice that she wants to give a baby to someone who doesn’t already have one.”

  “Like a gift?”

  “Exactly like that.” I smile at Clayton, thanking him for helping me out. “I love making people happy.”

  “Okay,” Heidi says. “When I get big, I want to do that. I’m going to give someone a baby.”

  The silence that falls over the table is palpable, and no one knows how to break it.

  Finally, Nina stands up from the table. “I think we’re done here. Come on, marshmallow. Let me drive you to school.” She gives me a wink.

  “It was nice meeting you, Heidi,” I say to the little girl. “Hopefully I’ll see you again sometime.”

  “I want to see the baby when it comes out.” Heidi bounces up and down.

  “I’m pretty sure you will.”

  Satisfied by my answer, she slides off her chair, kisses her father, then comes to stand next to me, putting both hands over my stomach. “Nice to meet you, baby. I’ll see you around.”

  We all laugh, then Nina tells Heidi to go put on her shoes. Before she follows her granddaughter out of the kitchen, she looks at me.

  “Only a special person can do what you’re doing, Grace,” she says. “I’m happy to have met someone like you.”

  I nod, not trusting myself to speak. The tears are too close.

  When Nina and Heidi leave the house, Clayton and I remain at the table, finishing up our food. He has the day off and is in no rush to go anywhere.

  “I’m sorry if that conversation made you uncomfortable.” He raises his cup of coffee to his l
ips.

  “It didn’t, Clayton. You have a lovely family. Your daughter is so sweet.”

  It tortures me to know that Heidi will never get to know her mother’s love. Being a single parent must be so hard for Clayton, but he told me that if his mother was able to do it, so can he.

  “Thank you,” Clayton says. “Heidi went through a rough time, but coming here has done her good.”

  “Are you planning on staying for a while?”

  “I don’t plan on doing anything right now. I choose to focus on the present until it feels right to think about the future again.” He pauses. “But you are leaving soon, aren’t you?”

  “Almost. Three more months. Then it will all be over.”

  “Will you go back to Miami, to the magazine world?”

  “I don’t have plans for either, but I guess I should start thinking about that. Three months is not exactly long.”

  Once the baby arrives, I’ll no longer have a home to go to. It wouldn’t be right for me to overstay my welcome at Marcia and Travis’s house.

  “Don’t pressure yourself,” Clayton says. “Anyway, it was nice to spend time with you this weekend.”

  “Yes, it was. Thank you for showing me around. I had so much fun.”

  Clayton did not show me anything I haven’t already seen, but it was nice seeing the town he grew up in through his eyes.

  “Maybe we can do it sometime again,” he suggests.

  “I’d like that. But it all depends on how much energy I have on a particular day. I get drained so easily now.”

  Even though the short tour we went on the day after I arrived at the hotel was fun, I was so exhausted by the end that I almost fell asleep during dinner.

  “Not a problem. We can do lazy things. I promise not to take you on exhausting walks anymore.”

  I laugh. “I’d appreciate that.”

  Clayton stands up from his chair and clears the table.

  I get to my feet as well. “Let me help.”

  “No. Sit and relax. I’ve got this.”

  I watch as he moves easily around the kitchen, doing the dishes and putting away the breakfast items. At one point, he turns around and catches me staring.