The Fountain of Eden: A Myth of Birth, Death, and Beer
Page 38
Chapter 38
In the Aftermath
When Jack Whiskey woke up, it was raining, and he was in a tree.
Green leaves tickled his face, branches dug into his ribs, and an owl perched on his shoulder, pecking on his skull like a nutshell. He spat out a mouthful of bark.
“Hooty-hoot-friggin'-hoot!” cried the owl, and flew off in a flurry of wings.
The last thing Jack recalled was holding a harpy in a headlock with one arm and punching, punching, punching the screeching beast in its ugly face until it fell silent, Tom and Becky sending kenned-up steel into the mass of Oneiroi, Stephone dropping beasts of Hades with a touch, Hermes clubbing harpies with the Caduceus, Cerberus and Herberus snarling, Charon smacking and thwacking . . . and Farmer John . . . the supernova of ken that had been unleashed upon the Earth . . .
“Stephone!” yelled Jack, and almost fell out of the tree.
“Right here, Jack,” said a faint voice above.
Jack looked up. A disheveled Stephone smiled down at him from the tree's higher branches.
Jack's heart went all aflutter and he fell out of the tree, usually rigid natural laws defying themselves to ensure he hit every branch possible on the way down. He landed on the forest floor with an “Oomph!” and lay still, wondering why there were so many cute little tweety-birds out and about, gaily singing and frolicking, on such a miserable rainy evening.
“Jack? Are ya all right?”
“Is that . . . is that you, John?”
“Aye, lad. 'Tis me.”
“Can I ask you something, John?”
“Sure, lad.”
“Tell me, in the of name of all that's sacred, what in blazing, burning hellfire just happened?!”
Farmer John laughed from the belly, then helped Jack to his feet. “I sent those Hadeans who do not know how to control themselves while on the Key World back where they belong.”
Stephone dropped down and landed lightly in front of them. She popped to her feet and said, “Favorite half-brother, what are you laughing about? I hope you're not putting any mischievous thoughts into Jack's head. He already has enough of those, I believe.”
“ 'Course not.” Farmer John grinned at Stephone. “He's all your, sis.”
There was a groan from a nearby cluster of azaleas, and a dazed Huckleberry Finn emerged from the flowery bramble. “Wh-what just happened?” he asked, wobbling a bit.
“My sentiments exactly,” said Jack. “Perhaps the good farmer would care to—” He looked over at the sipapuni and his eyes widened.
The Fountain of Eden raged in a whirlpool, foaming and frothing. Harpies and centaurs and Oneiroi were being pulled into the spring like wayward stars into a black hole. Jack did not feel even the slightest breeze, although it looked like the beasts on land were caught in a hurricane. The grip of a centaur clinging to the trunk of a nearby pine tree broke. The beast whirled through the air to land in the churning Water, and was sucked down into the whirlpool like a ship lost at sea. It vanished with a frightened neigh cut short.
Groans and mutterings greeted Jack's ears from all sides as Team Myth and Team Real reunited. Hugs were given, introductions made, fantastic tales told, friendly slaps on the back abounded. Tom and gang were especially exuberant. Sid was mobbed and tossed into the air many times, much to the consternation of his delicate stomach.
Jack heard Tom say: “You shouda seen it, Huck! The Throne Room window shattered into a gazillion pieces that flew toward us down the corridor of beer like tiny li'l glass daggers of death!” He paused for dramatic effect.
Huck awaited the conclusion of the tale, not daring to breathe. “What happened next?”
“We pulled at some twelve-packs and they tumbled down in an avalanche to make a barricade. We all got down just in time as the shards flew over our heads. The sound of breaking glass was everywhere! We looked up, covered in broken glass, and guess who was there?”
Huck remained silent, under the spell of Tom's storytelling.
“Hermes! And Cerberus! One at the end of each corridor! Hermes had flown up, tossed Cerberus through the window, then flew around the tower and busted in the other side! Charon opened up the trapdoor a few seconds after that, and everybody burst out laughing.”
“But what'd you do with all that Hoppy Heaven Ale?”
“Simple. We pushed it out the broken windows. Cleared the whole room. Then Hermes flew ahead of the skeleton-horses and hauled us back to the Grove of Persephone, and we made it across the Underworld in record time.”
Sir Arthur called for attention. “My friends, Hades's army of darkness has been sent back to Hades, but the Tricksters are still out there—probably sitting on that stash of Hoppy Heaven Ale Masaaw mentioned to Master Mirbodi.” He explained the progress of Team Real, and everybody stared off towards downtown Eden, seeing the cobblestone streets and reproduction houses in their mind's eyes. “Any ideas where they might be hiding? We've combed Eden up, down, around, and sideways, but cannot locate them.”
A thought nudged Jack's brain. “Did you check the Thomas Jefferson House excavation?”
“Yes, Jack. Huck checked it once and Ben checked it twice. There's nothing there.” Sir Arthur's eyes alighted and burned. “But why do you ask?”
Jack shrugged. “Just wondering. I'd noticed that in recent weeks they've been hauling an awful lot of dirt out of there on dump-trucks—it's just a half-block from the Laboratory—and it struck me as strange at the time. But it's probably nothing.”
“Dirt?” said Huck. “They was hauling dirt outta there?”
“Yeah,” said Jack. “A lot of dirt. Why?”
Huck thought for a moment and said, “Well, when I checked the place out, I jumped the fence and walked around, but there warn't nothing there. Just a muddy lot with a few shovels and wheelbarrows laying around, like they hadn't even started excavating yet.”
Sir Arthur pointed a quivering finger towards downtown Eden. “Jack has just supplied the missing data! That is where they are! If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth!”
Some of them packed into the carriage and flew off. Some sailed into the clouds clinging to Hermes. Master Mirbodi and Sitting Lotus departed on Hydra-back. Cerberus and Herberus stayed on the scene to ensure that everything stayed down the sipapuni once it went down the sipapuni.