Devon

by Leanne Davis

  Until Ireena entered the picture.

  That was the last time I saw my twin brother.

  My stomach churns when our gazes lock. I’m frozen, and my face feels stony and cold. I’m tongue-tied. My feelings rush over me all at once. A whole lifetime of them. Love. Friendship. Even joy. It’s Damion! I miss him. Like I’d miss my left arm if it were amputated. Sure I can manage and muddle along with my right arm, but I feel uneven with a part of me gone. I have to fight a choking sensation of tears that start to fill my eyes and clog my throat. No. No. I cannot give this backstabbing bastard the pleasure of seeing how profoundly our separation has affected me. I’ve been severed at the knees. The ongoing analogies keep filling my head, but it all comes down to losing an integral part of myself.

  There is a taut energy that fills the room between us. It seems like everyone is holding their breath, but I don’t know for sure, since I can’t bear to look around. Humiliation overcomes me. Heat climbs up my neck and fills my cheeks. I tremble with the power of my feelings. I miss Damion. I want to grab him and hug him. I freaking just want to be around him.

  But I also have to fight the urge to walk up and plant my fist into his pathetic face. I want to tear him into ribbons for choosing Ireena over me. Over us. The worst part of my aching loss, which fuels my bitterness and anger, is that he chose a woman over me. I would never take a woman over him. Not before this happened. We were two halves of a whole. The twin connection is strong and sure and real. It is no different between us. But now? If he let Ireena use a pair of scissors to slice right through the center of us, it couldn’t have been worse. The betrayal is intolerable to me. I use all of my free time to find ways to soothe the raging ache and anger I feel, and often look for solace at the bottom of the bottle. How could he not love me as much as I did him? How could I be so wrong?

  Our entire family stares, holding their breaths. My gaze travels to my mom’s eyes. She’s all but wringing her hands together. She holds her breath while her eyes grow huge with fear, and worse still, hope. I curse her hope. Does she seriously think this can change us? Damion and I can never be close again. At most, I will try to tolerate a holiday or two around them. Him and his family. I can only wonder if the day will come when I won’t feel the urge to spit in his face at the very sight of him.

  Damion drops his hands to his sides. He appears passive and his regret makes him slouch in defeat. Unlike Ireena, he looks distinctly uncomfortable. He seems miserable in fact. His gaze darts to me, then away, and over to our mom. He shuffles on his feet as he finally wrings his hands. “Hey… you… came.”

  I stare at him incredulously. My tongue feels thick, filling up my entire mouth and throat. He makes me self-conscious. I want to reach out and forgive him. I want to grab him in a hug, but no, I can’t. I can’t forgive him either or trust him ever again. I can’t forget how cruelly and easily he betrayed me when he cut me from his life.

  “For Dayshia.” Those are the only words I can say.

  Damion glances down and swiftly drops to his knee to scoop up his daughter. I taste the metallic tang of rage inside my mouth. His daughter. He takes all the rewards for betrayal. “You’ve met her before now?”

  “Several times.” He damn well knew that, because my mom could not fail to pass that juicy morsel along. Or Claudia could have told him, or my dad or my grandparents, or anyone else who pressed and pushed me towards Damion. Dayshia was the subject of one of their favorite ploys. The object was to draw me in so they could heal the rift between us.

  Damion is grasping for something intelligent to say. I don’t look at him again. My eyes are fastened on Dayshia. She’s worth my coming here, I remind myself. I shouldn’t be excluded from her life, and a future of knowing her and my own family should not be at risk because of Damion. If anyone should be denied visiting privileges and shunned by others, it’s him. I dealt with my anger over his backstabbing and when my family refused to even try to punish him for it. Nope. If only because of the baby, Damion gets a free pass. I understand it when I’m calm and logical. It’s not fair to punish Dayshia or limit her contact with her family. Again, that uses her as a weapon. No one, not even me, wants that. But in this situation and all along, Damion is let off the hook for his deplorable behavior. If anyone else did that to me, my family would have backed me up with their support and care and all would have shunned the bastard.

  Damion nods as he pins his gaze on Dayshia’s sweet, cherub face. Dayshia comprises the easy part of this impossible meeting. The tension of the room’s energy feels like compressed air weighing down my shoulders. The hope and expectation of my mom shine clearly in her raised eyebrows and partially held breath. I lift my gaze and find my dad. His face is characteristically blank and neutral. He hides what he truly thinks and feels. I know, however, because I can sense it from the most minimal facial expression. He doesn’t want a scene, probably out of concern for my mom. He remains the quietest of all about the fight and situation. But that too is Dad. I think he leans toward my side more than Damion’s, but he never foists his opinion on others. Not even his own twin boys.

  Damion keeps his gaze riveted on the squirming bundle in his arms. “I’m glad you came for her first birthday.”

  It is a simple statement. Sincere? Most likely. But none of it changes what happened. Now, everyone is shocked to see me attending my niece’s first birthday while in the presence of my twin brother.

  He puts his hand out for me to shake. I stare down at it. The pressure feels so thick, it’s as if the family members all took a collective breath and held it. I stare at his hand and shake my head, ignoring it as I focus beyond Damion’s shoulder. “Of course. For her birthday.” Walking around Damion, I refrain from giving him a shoulder bump, which is a sign of my maturing. Barely a year ago, that’s what I would have done. Or perhaps I didn’t because of the little girl he holds in his arms.

  Ireena, meanwhile, rises to her feet and stands to the left of Damion without touching him. As soon as I pass, her hand comes to rest just above his elbow. I catch the movement from the corner of my eye. Ugh! Supportive wife standing behind Damion after the evil twin brother’s snub? I clench my jaw to keep from baring my teeth at these two adversaries. Damion’s pretty epic at playing the poor victim. I ignore my quickly escalating anger over Ireena’s rush to comfort him. Damion’s shoulders slouch when I walk past him.

  I escape to the kitchen where a line of cabinets shields me from the worst family glares. My mom follows me in. She doesn’t say anything but grips me in a tight hug. Our feud has killed something inside her. I know that. I sigh and hug her back. It isn’t her fault. I get that. With two sons, my mom’s nothing if not loyal. Unfortunately, she can’t be loyal to both of us. Part of my anger is my need for her to be fully loyal to me. I damn well know that if this had been any other man sleeping with my girlfriend behind my back, my mom would be committed to Team Devon. But it was fucking Damion, so no. Now she’s obsessed with trying to be neutral and honest to both of us.

  She leans back. “I’m glad you came.”

  “Didn’t you sic Claudia on me?”

  She nods. Her mouth is bracketed in stress lines. “Yes. I didn’t think she could get past your armor. You’re immune to me. How did she do it?”

  “Guilt. The usual and most obvious way. Dayshia’s a baby that has nothing to do with the situation. I’d be worse than Damion if I used it against her, right?” I don’t add how Claudia went all nuclear on me, threatening my job, which pays for the affluent lifestyle I’ve chosen to live.

  And oh… hell, yeah. How many purchases have occurred since Ireena dumped me for my own brother? A fuck you to her? Maybe. Damion makes about half of what I do. A basic fact that I made sure I rubbed into their stupid, cheating faces. It’s all I had. But I have nothing left in my savings. I live far beyond my means, and the only key to keeping it afloat is my excellent job. A switch in my employment now would most likely ruin my credit, and I would lose a lot more than my good credit score
.

  My mom is in her mid-sixties, but she looks twenty years younger. She has clear skin with very few lines. She keeps her hair in the latest style and always dresses appropriately. Hugging her short body next to mine, I’m reminded how much I miss my family. I haven’t seen them very often during my incessant hunger for revenge and my undying need to prove myself. I long to be viewed as someone far beyond Damion and Ireena’s lame-ass life. That is my primary purpose in life and what I live to do. I have to prove I have more stuff: more money, more fashion sense, more financial freedom, and all that. Yeah, it’s shallow, I know, but to Ireena, it really means something. When I met her, I was barely out of college and eking out a living with very little money. Damion was not interested in college, so he worked at different jobs along the river, from assisting on the tugboats to manning the docks that load the large cargo ships. Ireena hitched her wagon to the wrong rising star so I made sure she never forgot it.

  We dated for three years. Three fucking years before she cheated on me with my own twin brother. It wasn’t three months, or even a year. It represents a large chunk of my twenties so it’s really hard to get over.

  “Whatever brought you here, I’m so glad you came.” I want to ask why? Why, Mother, do you want to put me in the presence of the man who stole the woman I was in love with? The woman who promised she loved me. Why would anyone be so cruel as to make me sit and watch her with the man she cheated on me with? Why? If he had been a stranger she hooked up with and then married when she got pregnant, no one would have expected this from me. As if I am required to be magnanimous about it. If not for my undying respect for my mom and my grandma, I’d say fuck you and walk out.

  Leaning back, my mother cups my face with her hands and scrutinizes me. “I know. I mean, it’s been a terrible experience. What Damion did was wrong. You must realize I know that. I just… he’s still my son and your twin brother… and you might say you never want to see him again, but the reality of such a thing occurring is something you can’t really begin to comprehend. Just remember that, okay? I know what it’s like to bury your own twin, the only person with your same face. There was a time, before we knew Ebony was murdered, and I believed she just ran off and left me and her son and husband. For years, I hated her with a burning passion. I’m sure it was no less than what you’re feeling. But more time passed without anyone knowing if she was okay or safe or in need of our help. I’d have forgiven her anything just to see her face again. Or touch her hand. Just to know she was alive. I decided I could live with anything she’d done for whatever reason if she’d only come home to us. To me. And my parents. You can’t imagine the horror I felt when Ryder told me they found her body. Meaning, she was dead. Murdered. Left to rot in that swamp for years. It’s taken decades to process all my feelings of anger and devastation. She was my other half. Always. I can’t stand seeing you two doing this. I never imagined you two would end up at odds.” Tears choke her up several times. It’s the same lecture I’ve heard many times before from her. I get it. She would have given her left arm if her sister could live.

  But her sister didn’t deliberately betray her. She didn’t further that wrong by getting married and having a baby. It was very different. I get my mom’s message. I catch a glimpse of how this must be for her and Dad and my grandparents. They endured the violent death of their daughter and sister. A crime that cannot ever be undone. That kind of horror is probably beyond imagination. I’ll give them that.

  But they don’t know the betrayal I’ve had to endure. Or the person who inflicted it. I never suspected he would do that. I believed Damion loved me as I loved him, more than just about everyone, and he did until… Ireena.

  Even though I was in love with her when we were together, I still wouldn’t have chosen her over Damion.

  I bought a ring so I could ask her to marry me. That’s something no one knows. Imagine if I asked her to be my wife. God. Such a shmuck I would have been. All along she wanted my twin.

  I pat my mom. “I’m here now. Don’t worry; I won’t make a scene, for Dayshia’s sake.”

  Her shoulders slump, and a visible wave of relief crosses her features. “That’s a good start then. She’s so young and vulnerable. You can’t miss out on seeing her.”

  “No, I won’t let that be taken from me.” I reply.

  It’s a long afternoon. When my dad squeezes my shoulder, I look up, but he doesn’t say anything. I appreciate that. He doesn’t lay a guilt trip on me or jump to agree with me. He’s always been there for me no matter what. We discuss more generic, non-controversial topics. It’s something my dad often does to avoid triggering any emotions. Perhaps some people find him frustrating because he doesn’t say much, but I’m grateful for his neutrality now.

  I step around Grandma Adaline after a long, heart-felt hug and kiss. She inquires all about me and is so sweet. She never fully recovered from the loss of her daughter decades ago. I respect that. But I also realize I can’t deny how angry and hurt and furious I am at my twin for what he did to me. Their loss can’t change mine. Or my reaction, no matter how hard they lay the guilt on me. I’m aware of the lessons they try to teach me, but I can’t give them anything more.

  I accidentally bump into Kaeja Ingalles. First, we both step in the same direction to go around each other and then the other before we crack up. She laughs in her deep, sexy chuckle. “I give up, Devon.” She puts her hand out to shake mine. “How are you?”

  “I’m doing all right. Pretty busy with work, so I don’t get to Silver Springs very often.” Or ever. Because of my brother, which Kaeja knows. She glances at me and then at Damion. Her eyes flash as she gives me a little nod.

  “Yeah, I can’t blame you. Too bad how that all went down—”

  It probably broke her heart almost as much as mine. Kaeja is Ireena’s best friend. Why? I can only wonder. Kaeja is successful, independent, intelligent, and kind. How could she be best friends with the shallow, vain, and mean-spirited Ireena? Sure, I see it clearly now, but even when we dated, I was aware that Ireena wasn’t always a nice person.

  My first sight of her left me gasping at her undeniable sexiness. Fuck. She could, well, fuck like no other woman I’ve ever been with. Our sex haze went on for a long, long while. But later, she got difficult. She became cold and mysterious, making me work much harder to please her. But I did for the great sex and irresistible attraction. Why would someone as together as Kaeja tolerate it? For friendship? I didn’t get her logic.

  Kaeja was half in love with Damion. He never noticed her. I don’t think Ireena knew either. I did, but I never said anything to either party. I figured Ireena’s friend was allowed her privacy. I empathized with Kaeja in her longing for someone who didn’t seem to notice her only to lose him to her best friend before she had the chance to tell him. I don’t think Ireena or Damion ever had a clue. Maybe because I was so sensitive and always thinking I wasn’t quite enough for Ireena. Maybe that’s why I didn’t fail to notice her interest in Damion.

  I’ve also wondered if she had told Damion, maybe he would never have taken my girlfriend from me. But then again, Damion did. Maybe it’s better I know now, then never to know.

  “Yeah, it sucked.”

  She presses her lips together. “Look, Devon, I’m really sorry. I can’t believe how it went for you.”

  “Thank you, but you didn’t do anything. I doubt that you would act how your friend did.”

  Her mouth twitches and she shakes her head. “No. I wouldn’t have. I mean you two brothers… being identical twins… no. I wish she handled it differently and better.”

  “Me, too.” I shrug. My throat feels tight. I hate discussing this. I don’t want to hear about what a loser I am again.

  My head starts to pound. I pat her arm. “Well, I gotta take a leak. Excuse me.”

  Ducking into the bathroom, I lean over the sink. My stomach feels so tight, I think I might hurl. I consider it for a moment while staring in the mirror. How did I let myself come h
ere? Or get into this situation?

  Claudia. That’s how. My anger at Damion and Ireena now includes Claudia. If she had just stayed out of it, I would not be in the bathroom now, eating my guts out over something I try not to think about most of the time. Out of sight, out of mind. Thank you, Claudia. Fuck. If I never came today, Dayshia would never remember it. No one remembers their first birthday.

  I suck it up, straightening and smoothing my shirt. I have only a few more minutes before I’m out of here. I don’t care about anyone’s opinion on that. Including Claudia Tamasy’s.

  I open the bathroom door and step out, nearly colliding with the very person I just had in my crosshairs. Claudia all but falls into me, she’s hovering so close to the bathroom door. Good Lord, privacy boundaries seem to be pointless with her. Grumpier now than this morning, I growl, “Really? Listening outside the bathroom door? What did you think I was doing? Crying all alone?”

  “No. I just—your face was strained after you ran into Kaeja, so I thought—”

  “What? That it might be hard for me? That only occurs to you now? No shit, Claudia.” I whisper to keep the crowd that lingers down the hallway from overhearing, but I really wish I could yell my words at her. How could she not know that? She knew everything and still forced me to come here. I fist my hands and walk around her even as her lips open and close several times. She seems to be at a loss for a response. I can’t think of any reply that would work for me. I pass around her, uttering the usual, generic goodbyes to those most precious to me as I make my escape. I don’t say a word to Damion or Ireena. I give Dayshia a hug and kiss. She grins and bubbles at me. Something she’d most likely do with anyone.

  I quickly get to my car. The look of regret, understanding, and sadness in my mother’s eyes when I’m the first leave is hard to shake off. It’s never been easy to disappoint them, but how is it that I am the fucking disappointment? Damion has a baby, so he’s scot-free? I hate how everyone wants me to get over it and move past it. Well, I came here, didn’t I? I silently watched them talking and interacting, the cutesy family of three that they now are. I kept my expression completely neutral and blasé. I showed no reaction. I ate the dinner and cake. I smiled at Dayshia as she waded through her gifts, most of which Ireena opened for her. Damion and she sat on the floor with Dayshia, helping and adoring her.