by Leanne Davis
I slip back beside Damion and take his hand. We sit quietly again. He zones out and is silent. Once in a while, he shakes his head as he mutters softly to himself. The emotional devastation is as real and pervasive as any physical damage.
There are footsteps.
Then, I spot Devon.
A moment later, he is coming down the hallway. Our gazes lock across the vast space. Everything freezes inside me and shivers run up my spine. This is a bit too much. The situation is so heavy. Surreal and unbelievable. I’m not sure how I feel and neither, it seems, is Devon.
When I shift my hand and body, Damion seems to sense it. He turns to see what I’m looking at and springs to his feet. I’m startled by his surge of sudden energy and vibrant movement. As if his haze of resentment suddenly vanishes.
They stare at each other. These brothers and identical twins. Feuding, identical twins. For a long, nearly uncomfortable moment, I become invisible. They are so intent on one another, their mutual gazes revealing long years of turmoil and harsh feelings. Most people can’t stare so long at each other. It’s becoming more intense, fueled by emotions on both sides that are almost too painful to watch. I’m witnessing something I have no business watching. It hammers the truth home: the bond between Damion and Devon remains intact.
I’ll admit the similarity of their faces, right down to their expressions, reveals something far beyond the connection between non-identical siblings. Well beyond what Carrie and I share. We’re close, sure, growing up as sisters, we became attached during childhood. We share the same memories and parents and family. We are still friends, and we care very much about each other. Observing Damion and Devon now, they seem to be staring deeply into their souls, not mirrors, and neither seems content at what they find there. They must see what they believe is a truthful image of themselves.
“She had a heart attack,” Damion says to Devon. His hoarse voice sounds as if he just ran twenty miles. He has to whisper the news, like someone with laryngitis who keeps trying to speak despite it.
“Oh, my God…” Devon mutters, looking stunned. Their gazes remain locked. I wish I could steal a moment with Devon. My heart is lodged in my throat. I want to beg him, please don’t turn your back on Damion right now; he might not survive it. I’m ready to plead with Devon and even fall to my knees. Please let it all go; let everything go for now until Damion is a little stronger. Wait until he can accept this. He can’t handle Devon’s anger and rage right now. Devon can’t smear his face in the dirt or stomp on his heart. Not now. Does Devon harbor that kind of compassion for Damion? Out of respect for their happy childhood and what they meant to each other for the twenty-six years they shared together before Ireena Monroe drove a wedge between them? Please don’t make it worse.
Again, that damn Ireena.
I can’t react to all of this yet. I don’t know how to feel. I resented Ireena when she began dating Devon. And for having everything I always wanted without appreciating or taking care of it. Plus, she acted mean to me at times for no reason. She dumped Devon for Damion, and I resented her for that whole mess. But hearing she had a heart attack is a little too much for me to process right now. I don’t know how I feel about her anymore. This tragedy can’t undo all the damage she did to Devon and others. The two men that factor into the equation are still trying to figure out what to do. This awkward, unrehearsed, unique moment has no protocol or proper procedure. No one knows what to do.
Except for me. I know the feud is real but it must be suspended indefinitely. If necessary, I will beg Devon to let it go. For now. I will encourage Devon to be the twin brother Damion needs most of all now. He can punish him, hate him, and keep his distance from him after this is over, when Damion isn’t already destroyed.
In a snap, I am right back where I started, letting myself get invested with these two men, despite how vehemently I protested against it. I do not want to be the mediator. I refuse to fill that role.
“Devon? I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”
Devon nods as he glances my way. I tilt my head, pleading with my eyes, which speak as loud as screaming GO TO HIM! I do a subtle movement with my head, trying to tell him to reach out to Damion without any words.
Finally, Devon crosses the space and takes Damion in his arms. That fast and furious, my entire body deflates, and I almost collapse. I fight the urge to cry with relief. Seeing them hugging as tightly as two people can, I watch Damion surrender to his brother. Their arms wrap around each other’s neck and shoulders. Of course, standing at exactly the same height, Devon supports Damion and keeps him upright when Damion starts to fall apart.
Tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks. A large lump fills my throat, and I break down and let it all out, too. There is no way to witness so much pain and confusion without responding in a human way. This is a reunion. They are still there for one another and are unconditionally loyal. The love is still there. Right there. My heart was torn apart before by these two men, and this moment is finally mending it.
For five full minutes, they hug. Damion cries, and Devon remains strong, letting him weep without saying anything at all. He doesn’t offer any comfort or shush him softly or quote platitudes, he just lets him grieve. Eventually, Damion stops. They gently release each other from their hug, and Damion steps back, shaking his head.
“I can’t believe this is really happening.”
He turns and drops on the couch in the small waiting room he commandeered. Devon sits directly across from him in one of the chairs, rubbing his hands together as he stares between his knees. They are both sitting in the same positions. If the situation weren’t so damn sad and serious, not to mention, horrifying, I would have to stifle a laugh.
“What happened?” Devon finally prompts. I’m heartened as well as saddened when I see the gravity in Devon’s face reflected in Damion’s. I’m relieved Devon still loves his brother and is just as affected by his breakdown as if it happened to him. Devon wants to engage his brother and be there for him. But right now is not the ideal healing moment for these two. This is the worst reason to motivate them to share the same room together again. I am glad to see all the hugging, talking, and connecting. Their pain and hurt are derived almost directly from Ireena Monroe, which culminates to this? A heart attack is the only thing that could bring all of us together?
This might be a new beginning.
Or a holding pattern that lasts to the final end.
I stand to the side of them, again unsure of what to do. Devon silently motions me closer, and I sit beside him. He grips my hand tightly. My gaze meets his and I find him staring right at me. Hard. It is strangely intimate. He tips his forehead down and everything inside me tilts. My heart and soul bubble all over the place. I feel almost dizzy by his unexpected attention and the depth of feelings I sense in his gaze. For me. I turn forward, feeling confused and annoyed. No. This is about Damion and Ireena and a mutual history of grief and hurt and what the twins mean to each other. I’m their friend. I always have been. That’s all.
“Everything seemed normal. I don’t understand what happened. We got up like usual. It was my turn to drop Dayshia off at Kaeja’s so I left the house first. But everything was just normal. We were getting dressed and having breakfast and talking about doing errands.” His voice lowers and he grips his hands together. “She was fine, I thought….” He winces and glances up. His eyes are bloodshot. His mouth contorts with disgust. “Then I got a call from one of her co-workers. She told me that an ambulance had just taken Ireena to the emergency room. She was found unconscious in her office. She collapsed. Since she was alone, they didn’t know how long she was lying there.” His head is shaking, and his eyes are dripping with tears. “They had to resuscitate her. It’s so bad… so awful… I don’t know. I don’t know.” He starts rocking back and forth while trembling uncontrollably.
“Why didn’t you phone any of us sooner? Like right when you got the call?” Devon asks. His tone is soft and gentle.
/> “I didn’t know who to call. You? How could I? After everything that happened between us? And… and it’s all so—”
Devon nods. “Yeah, but you can still call me. I am still mad. I was angry, but this kind of stuff is unconditional. You…” His voice breaks and the tears stream out of my eyes as I listen to them. “You must know that.”
“I thought so. I felt like that. But for the first time, I didn’t know if you felt the same way.” Damion shakes his head. “I can’t believe this. What am I waiting to hear? How she is? What could they be doing now? What? She’s so young. She can’t be in here… not like this.”
The quiet slowly fills the space. Devon glances at me. We are both big-eyed with confusion as we look at each other. I think he expects me to say something, but I have nothing to add.
I lick my lips as I stare at his brother. I’m determined to keep my historic sympathy towards Devon out of my mind right now. “Damion, we’re here now, and we’ll be here for you.” I don’t even look at Devon for permission to speak for him. He needs to do that for his brother, whether he wants to or not. Never mind if he disagrees, Damion is the person with the most at risk right now. Devon just has to support him in every way. “I called Kaeja. She knows what happened and says she can keep Dayshia until one of us can go and get her.”
He shudders, looking dazed as he nods. “Okay.”
Finally, I hear voices coming from down the hallway, and a doctor approaches us. “Mr. Willapana?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
We’re all instantly on our feet. I try to stay back a little to give them more privacy, but it’s pointless since I’m also a part of this. After some quiet words of sympathy that acknowledge the devastation of the situation, they reassure us they’re doing everything they can.
“We believe Ireena has something called Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection. It develops when a tear forms in the vessel supplying blood to the heart. The tear allows the blood to collect between the inner and outer lining of the vessel, which leads to swelling, and that obstructs the blood flow to the heart, thereby reducing the oxygen supply. The condition can cause heart attacks. It is nothing like a heart attack caused by the hardening of the arteries that one finds in old age.”
“She… what? She has a heart condition? She exhibited no symptoms. I swear…” Damion’s still in a trance. His hands are shaking and his eyes are filled with tears, although I don’t think he’s even aware of himself. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“There are no obvious symptoms. It generally happens to young, otherwise healthy individuals. It’s more common in women, too, although we don’t understand why. It’s often overlooked. Unfortunately, when Mrs. Willapana came in, she was unresponsive. When the paramedics arrived at her office, they revived her, but no one knows how long she was out.”
I gasp. Devon slowly backs up and sits down as if his legs can’t hold him up anymore. Damion is still crying and shaking. He seems frozen after hearing those terrifying, unbelievable words.
The doctor clears his throat. “To bypass the blockage, I put the stent in. It works, and now her blood is flowing to her heart. Normally, we prefer to treat this with medication, but the lengthiness of the tear and the fact that we had no idea about it until we opened her up, well, no one knows how long her brain was deprived of oxygen. Let’s just say, things are less than ideal.”
Less than ideal. I don’t know what that means.
Do they not know the extent of the damage? Or what they can do to repair her?
I step back before scurrying to Damion’s parents when they appear in the hallway. They pause, fastening their gazes on us and clearly giving us their respect and distance. I step away and move closer to Chloe. Her eyes are wide and shimmering with tears as she enters. We hug each other without a word. She grips me close to her.
“Oh, my God. How can this be happening? How will Dayshia survive it? My sweet baby girl? And Damion and Devon? Ireena has poisoned this family since the moment Devon first met her,” she whispers quietly, only for my ears. She slowly shakes her head. “I should not speak ill of her, I know, but she ripped all of us apart and now this happens? I can’t believe it.”
I nod, and Chet stands behind Chloe. His face is stern but his gaze is tender with obvious concern for Chloe. He’s always extraordinarily quiet in my presence. The exact opposite of Devon, who is much more like Chloe. They are both usually talkative and easy to converse with. Devon’s feelings are already known and easily accessible, which in many ways, I like. I don’t have to question him to know what he thinks and feels. Damion is much more like Chet. I never know where they’re coming from or what their views are. I had no idea Damion even knew Ireena, much less liked her, until the day he admitted he was sleeping with her.
“I can’t believe it either. Devon’s here now. I called him, and he came directly over here. They embraced each other hard and long. Damion lost his composure completely. Maybe some kind of reconciliation or healing will arise from this. Not that it will happen fast. But that’s the only thing I can think about now to keep me sane.” I suck in a deep breath. “She has a rare condition, something called SCAD, Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection. No one knows much about it or how she might have gotten it. She suffered a heart attack when she was all alone in her office. She was unresponsive and without oxygen to her brain during that time and nobody knows how long it was.”
“So, are you saying she… might have brain damage?”
“Yes.”
Chloe gasps. “How horrifying. I wasn’t very close to her after the way she crashed into my life. But I was never rude or mean to her. I just kept my distance and held my tongue. I never dreamed this could be possible. Never. I really can’t believe it is actually happening.”
“Same here. I chatted with her for a while on Dayshia’s birthday, but it was mild and easily forgettable. I could have reached out and tried to connect with her a lot harder.”
“No one suspected she had any kind of health problems. Let alone something like this,” Chet remarks from behind Chloe. His tone is rock solid and controlled. I love the authority in his voice that convinces me to believe him.
Chloe nods. “Why do I feel so guilty?”
I nod in agreement. “I do, too.”
We hug again and take comfort from each other. She leans back and mumbles, “Why couldn’t Ireena be half as conscientious, real, warm, and kind as you are?”
“Because I’m not the woman your boys want.” I say, raising my eyebrows. If only she knew. But then again, maybe she does. She might have suspected my feelings for Devon. She knew me for a long time, and I could see her sensing my yearning for her son. We release each other eventually, and Chloe and Chet continue walking to where their twins sit.
The doctor leaves, and Damion and Devon never move or speak. They are as dead as road kill. Sitting and staring forward, they both have astonished looks on their faces as well as defeat and sorrow. They are destroyed.
Devon immediately rises but Damion seems overburdened by his grief and guilt. He remains sitting there. His gaze finally lifts to see his parents. Chloe utters a soft, motherly sigh before sitting beside him. Gathering his shoulders between her arms, she tries to cradle him against her even though he is bigger. It’s heartbreaking to see him being cradled and protected by her small body.
Chet walks over to Devon and hugs him. When Chet releases him, he hangs onto Devon’s shoulders and says, “I’m glad you’re here.” He means it with his heart and soul, and I know his words shore up Devon’s commitment to participate and reunite with the family. Part of his identity as a twin is his brotherhood to Damion and being a member of his family again. It relieves me and the invisible clamp around my heart eases just a tad. I chide myself not to get caught up in between them again. I intend to accept them as they are because I value them as my friends. I really want that reality to continue.
But my stomach is still tied in knots as I watch the family coming together now. When Devo
n and Chet release each other, they turn around and sit. Only then does someone come over to get Damion. Apparently, he has permission to see Ireena now. He glances at Devon and his parents. “Will you please come with me?” he asks Devon.
Devon glances at me and nods. “Um… sure. Okay. Just give me a moment?”
Damion nods. Devon tilts his head at me as if he is silently telling me to follow him.
I nod, and we slip away from everyone else’s eyes. He suddenly turns and grabs me as Chloe did. I’m stunned to find myself tightly pressed against his body. All six feet of him are compacting me. My head is turned, right against his chest and his hands are tightly clasped behind my back. Damn my heart. It reacts by jumping up and down in response to his desperate touch and the way he is clinging to me. It’s to be expected, I suppose. We’re all pretty raw and confused. Gathering at the hospital because of a young woman’s heart attack and now not knowing if she has suffered brain damage is so unexpected, uncomfortable, and just plain hard. Damion’s grief and pain are enough to give us an overexposed feeling, but add in the sordid history of what Ireena and Damion did and the subsequent fallout of their relationship, there is no easy way to feel. Devon and Damion have been in a virtual war ever since then. However—at least for this hour—they manage to find peace with each other again.
For a long time, Devon holds me. Eventually, I fidget, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I am also suddenly conscious of how intimately, almost desperately, Devon is clinging to me. Despite all my self-talk and constant struggle, I still have unresolved feelings for Devon inside my heart. And nothing can undo that.
Of course, I never stopped trying to undo that. Time is the key to achieving my desired outcome. I do not want to love Devon more than as a friend, and that is the truth. I believe I’m making some progress in the transition from caring about Devon too much, to a symbiotic balance of mutual friendship. Cooper, of course, plays a role in this, too. But right now, in the Willapana family dynamics, I am being held by Devon, and my brain does little mental leaps of joy and I hate myself for liking it so much when I feel needed and wanted by Devon.