by Leanne Davis
I press against his chest and he releases me far enough that I can glance up. He shakes his head. “I can’t believe it.”
“I think it’s a shared feeling.”
His gaze feels heavy on mine. “What do I do now? Ignore my behavior toward her and him in the recent past and for over a year? How can I offer my support after how I treated them? Everyone knows our fucked-up history and that I never supported them or their side of it. You saw me. How can I—”
“Why don’t you just do what you feel? Don’t look back. Remember that Damion was searching for you and no one else when he called me. He wanted no one else but you.”
He squeezes me again. “Thank you. Nobody but you knows and appreciates where I come from.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know how to continue this. It feels so strange to even talk to Damion again, let alone back him up. Be his support. I’m still rusty and new at it. It’s kind of like putting on a pair of your favorite shoes after walking around barefoot for weeks. I can’t even find the words to describe it.”
I’ve always tried to be just like that for Devon. The change was fairly recent, and I was the one to finally enact it. And now? Here I am again, immersed right back into it. How can I refuse to be his friend? Or Damion’s? It’s not his fault if I fell in love and crushed on him for years. I also was his friend and confidante. Naturally, he got used to me, and he relies on me now. I want him to think of me first. Now, he legitimately needs me so how dare I consider withdrawing all of my support and care? I can’t do that. This is a real crisis.
“Don’t worry so much about the future, and just be his brother today. For this moment. The rest will fall into place later. The right words will appear and we can try to make better sense of it then.”
“Okay. You’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right. As always.” I give him a little grin. He nods back with a half smile. I add, “But it’s because I know. I know what brought you here. And it doesn’t change how much they hurt you.”
He squeezes my hand. “Thank you, Claudia. This can’t be easy on you either, considering—”
“It doesn’t matter right now. We were friends before this, right? And we’ll stay friends always. We never lost that.”
His shoulders sag. “I don’t think I could handle it if I lost you. I missed you during these last few months.” His hand touches my cheek, and he slides it along my jaw. I all but close my eyes and shudder. He is so swift, soft, and tender that it makes me lean towards him. I am ready to surrender to his touch.
No! This is the worst thing to do. I can’t turn it back into a real fantasy. We are strictly friends. End of story. I am happy with Cooper. I refuse to glean our tiny bits of interaction and pretend that someday Devon will change our relationship into something more serious. I am this… only his friend. His go-to person. His bro. In the end, I’m no more than the equivalent of his bro. I share his commitment of loyalty and always being there for each other. Our relationship ends there, and it can never be more. Especially anything sexual. We are not “in love” so we cannot have those kinds of feelings.
“I’ll tell Tara and Ryder along with everyone else I can think of. I’ll check on Dayshia, too, and if you need me, just let me know. Anything at all. Just call and keep me updated.”
He nods. “I’ll go back. It feels odd for the four of us to be like this, but it also feels right.”
“I get that.”
“Then you’re the only one who does.” Oh, the potency of those words. They could launch me right back into the fantasy. The need for me to capture his thoughts and feelings while believing I understand him and he me… NO! I can’t do that ever again.
He squeezes my waist, and I mentally order my skipping heart to stop. Stay focused, Claudia! I nearly scream at myself. Of course, it’s just a sign of affection and almost unconscious when Devon holds me. I should not be duped into thinking it’s anything more than his gratitude for my friendship and my role as a little sister. Almost.
We let each other go, and I slip out of his arms before I all but run down the hallway. I am desperate to escape. The overbearing sadness envelops us, and the gruesome details of Ireena’s condition make me claustrophobic. All at once, I need more space and fresh air. I have to remember that Devon and I are not now and never were an item. At all. Ever.
Friends. Childhood acquaintances. Nothing more.
I cross the parking lot and drive to our office building, ducking into Cooper’s office. There is no secretary; just two guys and two women. Everyone has their own office and does their own filing, phone answering, and the like. It’s a dull but highly functional arrangement. I quickly walk to Cooper’s office. It’s a white room with one window and an old, battered desk. Coffee stains mar the top of the desk and several loose pages add to the litter there. He’s a mess.
He glances up when I appear in the doorway. “Claudia.” His smile is genuine and real. He never seems to mind when I pop in unexpectedly and interrupt his day, not even his work day. He’s congenial and inviting so I always feel welcome there.
His tone fades and his eyebrows furrow. “Is everything all right?”
“No. Not really.”
In half a second, he crosses the room and takes me in his arms. “What happened?” I appreciate his hasty speed and the faith he has in me.
“Damion’s wife had a heart attack and apparently, things are pretty serious.”
He’s still for a moment before he lets out a small sound. “Ah… Damion is the twin that you don’t work with?”
“Yes. The one I don’t work with. His wife isn’t anyone I cared much for, but she’s Dayshia’s mom. Anyway, it’s all a horrible mess. Devon, Damion, and their parents are at the hospital and I’m supposed to inform the other family members. I’ll be tied up for quite a while and I don’t know how long it will be.”
He squeezes my arms, resting his hands just above my wrists. “That’s fine. I get it. Do whatever you need to do, and don’t worry about me.”
“We were planning to finally take off this weekend, but—”
“Family emergencies come first. Of course. No need to make an excuse about it.”
I smile gratefully as he eases my guilt. Kissing the side of his face, he tilts his head toward my lips. “I will worry about it. But thank you all the same.”
“Just call me when you need me. Anytime. Day or night. I’ll be there.”
“I’m not sure what to expect, or how my help can improve anything.”
“Again. I’ll be fine. Just waiting around to hear from you.”
I silently applaud his maturity and care when he addresses me. I’m telling myself as I turn and scurry down his grungy hallway, that I’m not relieved to be free of Cooper. Now I’m heading out to conduct damage control for the Willapanas. I’m still a part of “them” since I am being relied upon as an integral player during this crisis. I feel rushed so I hurry to get to work on their behalf. I can continue this for a few days before I need to return to my previous life and Cooper and my career. I’m not part of their family and I’m no longer Devon’s sounding board.
I am ever so careful to avoid falling right back into my old habits. I’ve worked so long to change them after everything culminated. I realize I must change or nothing else will.
I can’t keep longing for what will never be. I don’t want to end up missing out on my own life. And everything I want. I don’t necessarily want to get married and have a bunch of kids. Nothing about that appeals to me for my future. I really love my job and I can’t imagine not doing it every day. I love being busy and the sense of responsibility my job gives me. I like being the boss, to be honest. I am too busy in my life to give up my freedom. I’m definitely not squandering all of my energy by pining after someone who doesn’t love me back.
What I mainly hope to avoid is wishing and dreaming and crushing after someone who doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I hated the power dynamic that existed between Devon and me before. I was over-inves
ted and he was barely invested. While I desperately waited for his “aha” moment when he would suddenly care only about me, my life was swiftly passing me by.
I plan to be his friend, confidante, and go-to person under these extreme circumstances, but I intend to make sure that’s where it ends. I refuse to get sucked back into the old scenario. Sitting on the edge of my seat until Devon feels something that he isn’t capable of feeling toward me.
I use the guise of distraction to move past the odd power dynamic I have with Devon. I started seeing Cooper, and our relationship is pretty good. I really don’t want to end that.
Making my declaration to myself, I leave to check in on Kaeja and Dayshia. After that, I plan to tell my aunt, uncle, and cousins all about the misfortune that befell their other aunt, uncle, and cousins.
Chapter 9
DEVON
I feel numb, like I’m having an out-of-body experience. When Claudia called, I knew something was off, rather that something was desperately wrong. My mind went blank when I hung up the phone.
I can’t believe what I’m about to do. I have to console my brother after his wife came out of emergency surgery from a massive heart attack and… what could possibly happen next? They don’t know if they can save her. The most haunting words in the medical profession. No words could be worse to hear when they concern a loved one. They don’t know if she’ll recover. We just have to wait. Things don’t look too good. All the jumbled words filter and tumble through my brain without any of it making sense. I can’t believe they are talking about the woman I know as Ireena.
Heart attack. It doesn’t fit. This is something that could have been about one of my grandparents. Of course, I’d be devastated and horrified if it happened to any of them, but not surprised.
Plus, Ireena is so vital and alive. Brimming with energy and verve, she is a shining example of youth and good health. She’s a runner, too. She watches what she eats so this just doesn’t compute.
She’s also shallow and manipulative while being funny and crazy unpredictable. But even that package was exciting to live with. Her dynamic personality was uplifting and fun.
I have no idea how to feel. Sitting alone in my car after hanging up on Claudia, I still feel like I’ve been extracted from my own body and dropped into someone else’s. I don’t know how to respond. Or what I should do and say. But here I am, ready to stand by Damion as he faces this catastrophe.
How disingenuous is it for me to show up to comfort Damion? I hated him and Ireena. Even after they had Dayshia, it didn’t make me resent or detest them as a couple or as individuals any less. Do I swoop in now as if I’m sorry for what happened? How in the world can I comfort him? But when Claudia told me he needed me; all I could think was I have to get to Damion. Because I have to.
When I show up, I spot Damion immediately. Slumped over a chair, his body seems to be melting and he looks as if he could slide onto the floor and dissolve into a puddle. He is usually quiet and doesn’t discuss how he thinks or feels about most things. He doesn’t express himself well. He prefers to come to me. Or he did. Once. I used to seek his advice. He has a calm, serious side that easily sees the big picture and pertinent details better than I do. We used to complement each other and our two halves created a better whole. We liked it that way.
Why did he have to change that?
That’s the worst hurt and betrayal. It’s what bothers me the most since this whole fiasco started. How could he do that to me? If things were reversed, I’m still positive that I could never do any such thing to him.
I glance at Claudia and see her concern by the panicked expression in her eyes. As soon as we make eye contact, the swirling anxiety, panic, and confusion over what to do suddenly subsides. My worry over how to deal with this simply vanishes. In that epiphany, I realize how often I’ve sought Claudia’s advice and comfort. Her guidance and support are important to me and very valuable. I trust her judgment more than I do my own or anyone else’s. I’ve always known she was the best friend I have. Trying to convince my catatonic brother not to worry and bringing me into the situation is the right thing to do, even after all the things I’ve done that weren’t correct.
Her presence comforts me. And makes it easier to approach Damion. Damion who all but launched himself to welcome me. I’m astonished at his reaction. He nearly pushes me over in his excitement at my arrival. In that split second, I know I have to ignore our feud for now. At least, for this moment.
Whatever Damion did or failed to do is irrelevant. I cannot comprehend how much he’s suffering right now.
The arrival of my parents provides a short respite, but I feel the pressure. I see it in my mother’s eyes. She is so grateful to have us acting like brothers—and twins—again. I know what she wants for us, and it feels like a hundred-pound sack of sand has been dropped on my shoulders.
Following Claudia down the hallway, I don’t want her to go yet. Everything I was before and the way I chose to live my life have been turned upside-down. Nothing makes any sense now. I am reminded of how I felt when Damion first told me he and Ireena had been sexually intimate. I recall the odd buzz in my head at hearing his words. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. I was so confused; he could have been speaking an unknown language.
Claudia was still there so I leaned on her when I wanted company, support, or someone to listen to me vent after learning of Damion’s betrayal. Dazed and confused, I was ready to punch my fist through a wall. Claudia hugged me and soothed me with her calming tones as she explained things and made so much more sense than Damion. She listened intently to what I needed to say, no matter how venomous I became, and she allowed me to get it all out. She was too smart to stifle me with stupid, useless platitudes and annoying, feel-good crap. She was always there to support me.
Like she is now. Grabbing her, I don’t want her to leave. And if she insists on it, I want to go with her. I can’t handle the pressure of my family on my own anymore. Whatever I might need to do or be for my parents, and for Damion even, I’m hesitant to accept. I still have negative feelings. I dread doing anything. This is the most confusing place for me to be. I can’t imagine not being here to comfort Damion now that it happened, but we weren’t and aren’t in the same place we once were. We spent our lifetime being twin brothers. Until we weren’t. We’ve been nothing to each other over the last couple of years.
Now I have to be caring and understanding again even if he doesn’t deserve it.
I see what’s at risk; his whole reason for being could be snatched away from him.
I don’t think he deserves that. Or Dayshia. Or even Ireena.
In the early days after the betrayal, my thoughts became so dark, venomous, and filled with revenge that it scared me. However, Claudia’s stabilizing, cheerful presence in my life reined in my nefarious, more selfish emotions.
I don’t like her absence in my life now. She’s too busy. She is invested in another man now. It’s fucking annoying. I want to call her, and I still expect her to pop up unannounced at my place, but she never does anymore. Never. Our pleasant working relationship is all we have left.
It’s not enough for me.
I didn’t realize how much time I spent with her. I think about her incessantly. Hours of my time are devoted to thoughts of Claudia. She takes up a lot of my life. I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself. Again. Now it seems so natural to follow her down the hallway. I pause to fit her small, short body next to mine. Her body is just right for me. She’s as warm and bright and happy as her personality, and that’s the way she makes others feel. Especially me.
How the fuck did I fail to realize how deep that feeling was?
I had to lose it to understand, and now it keeps sticking me in the gut like a scalpel. Claudia was the girl I spent my life with and hanging around. Now, I no longer have her.
I stare after her retreating body.
Where is she going now? To the office. I’m sure she’ll run in and talk to him before work.
Talk to fucking Cooper. She’s probably hugging and kissing him. Sure. He’s her boyfriend, so she should be. I glare out the fucking window, condemning myself. For what? I don’t know. I can’t love Claudia. After I slept with her, I all but jumped through hoops trying to get away from her. I don’t like to feel trapped. It feels as if someone is above me with their foot on my throat, slowly compressing my airway and sucking out all the air from my mouth. I hate feeling like that person. I hate being trapped. I know it can only lead to resentment toward the person I’m with. I never want to feel that way with Claudia. Her joy, warmth, intelligence, and stability make her probably the best person I know. And we had our moment one night. And then? Like a total fool, I squandered it. I dropped back into the vile habits I began after I lost Ireena.
Staring at Claudia as she disappears from sight, my mistake sharply hits me. I was in a relationship with Ireena, and yet I refused to even attempt to have one with Claudia. I can’t imagine sending a clearer message to Claudia. I pursued a relationship with the rude, aggressive, and mean Ireena because she was so beautiful, sultry, and difficult. For her, I would make the effort, but not for Claudia.
Claudia. My friend. My confidante. The person I called whenever I wanted to go to the park or when I was bored. We’d get a drink when I needed to get out. Or have dinner when I had a work problem I had to figure out. She came home with me when I had to deal with my family, too. Hell, sometimes I just wanted to make her smile or laugh at something that only she would get. Our sense of humor matched. The way we interacted in the world matched. We matched.
She was the best companion for everything.
Feeling triply confused, Claudia leaves so I turn to face my brother.