A Queen's Tale
Page 13
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Lance and Gwyn had been left alone in the room; he still held her but neither one had said a word since the others had left. Gwyn did not know what to say. So much time had passed since the night she had told him to get out, the night he actually had. Being here like this, made Gwyn feel uneasy. She could not hide from the fact that even after all the time that had passed with no contact between them, she still loved him. She could not deny that her heart was beating out a fierce rhythm and her stomach was knotted to have him holding her, that even now she wanted to turn her head and find his lips and be kissed and loved as she used to be. But he had been gone so long; he had not come back until events beyond their own control had pulled them back together.
“I should go.” He whispered, even that sounding strained.
“If you feel you must.” Gwyn replied, her voice sounding more angry than the hurt she was actually feeling- that he would run from her again, that he did not want to stay when she was so desperate for him to.
“I should, you cannot wish me to stay.”
“What do you know of what I wish, Lance?” Gwyn broke free of his arms and stood, the world tilting for a moment from the swift ascent. Lance did not reply. He just stood and walked towards the door.
“So good at just walking away.” Gwyn spat at him, her emotions were raw enough without this.
“So good at letting me.” Lance turned, his own temper rising to match hers. He was meant to be here to make peace with her, to help heal the pain within her. Yet here they were arguing again.
“Letting you? I wanted you to fight for us, for me, and you walked away.”
“Why did I have to be the one to fight? You didn’t fight for me, to keep me, to show me I was the one, the only one, show me that you had let go of Adrian, that I wasn’t going to lose you.” Lance growled.
“I…” Gwyn wanted to argue but all she could hear was Myrddin’s words in her head, that she pushed everyone away, that she did this to herself and to them. She looked down at the ground, her voice barely a whisper when she found the words for a reply. “You can never know how much I have missed you. It was you that my heart ached for.”
Gwyn turned away, walking to the French doors, staring out over the gardens. She could not look at him right now. She wanted to open the doors and run, to not feel anything anymore. There was no way he could still feel the way she felt about him. Not after she had driven him away in her own fear and even less now that he knew what had been done to her. Even though it was not in this life, she still felt tainted, unclean. She had a desire to flee, to find a place in the wild, a cold pool and scrub at her skin, to try and remove this feeling of disgust.
Out damn spot.
Somehow she knew, even though she did not have the specific memory to call to mind, that was exactly what she had done lives ago. The Queen had hidden herself away and tried to feel better. Gwyn wished she could know more, know how Guinevere had gone on after it, how she had loved. She wished she knew what the rest of the story was. What the true story was. The tales of Camelot were more numerous than most stories; everyone had an idea, a slant on the tale, but what was the truth? What was her truth? It was highly doubtful that the answers were going to parade across the glass that separated her from the outside world and distract her from the man standing behind her. The man she expected to just turn and walk away from her again.
Gwyn startled at a touch at her shoulder.
“I missed you too.”
She turned and Lance pulled her into his arms. Pulled her tight against him, so tight it felt like he was scared she would try and escape and he could not let her. She fought the desire to go rigid in his arms, to put the walls up. She forced herself to breathe out, to let her muscles relax.
“You’ve never left my thoughts, Gwyn. You’ve got to know that. I tried, I wanted to forget, to stop feeling but I couldn’t Gwyn. You’re in my heart and I couldn’t get rid of you.” His hand stroked her hair and her back. “I thought…I thought if you wanted me back you’d try to get me back. I thought you’d moved on, forgotten me, didn’t care.”
“You’re an idiot.” Gwyn was crying now, laughing and crying. “How could I stop caring? I love you so much Lance, so completely, I’ve been hollow inside without you. Sad, depressed. I’m not right without you loving me.”
Lance tilted her head up, teary eyes finding hers. Seeing the truth of her words.
“I never stopped Gwyn. I still love you.”
Gwyn licked her lips as his eyes fell to them. She could barely believe what he said, that he was saying it, that he meant it, that after all of this he loved her and he wanted to kiss her. But his eyes on her lips said he did, and his eyes did not lie. Lance bent his head closing the small distance between them and kissed her.