by Marie Scully
Every night for the past few weeks after I finish my work, I take Flame out of his stall to the enclosed yard. He wanders around, and I sit on the fence. Some nights he gets close to me, while others he stays on his side and I stay on mine. Sarah says that with me he’s shown the most progress. I asked her why she thought that was, and she said that it could be because he feels that I need him as much as he needs me. That we are kindred spirits.
Tonight is one of those nights that Flame wants to stay on his side of the yard. I look up at the stars—there are so many out here. The whole sky is lit up like a Christmas tree. Back home I could hardly ever see any stars with all light pollution.
Looking at the stars like this takes me back in time to when my mom took my brother James and me camping. She’d bought a cheap, used tent that ended up having a hole in it, though James had told her that was okay because we could see the stars when we went to bed. It was one of the only weekends she had taken off work.
It was for my seventh birthday. I’d been asking for weeks to go because my friend Mackenzie had gone with her family and I was jealous. I didn’t realize how expensive camping was, but Mom took time off and got the tent. Packed all the blankets in the house so we could sleep on them and wrapped us in the car. It was a miracle the car got us there and back.
We stayed up most of the night, with her telling us ghost stories by the fire. I can almost hear her voice tonight. Like a whisper in a long-deserted hallway that you think you understand but aren’t entirely sure.
“What are you thinking?” Ben’s voice catches me off guard, bringing me back to the present.
“Just about the stars. There are so many here. I can’t get over it.”
He climbs over the fence and sits next to me. “You like it here then? A good first few weeks?”
“I love it. I know I can’t stay forever, but I feel like I needed this.”
He has a far-off expression. He looks like he wants to say something else but settles for, “I came out to tell you that it’s getting late and you may want to head to bed. We have an early day tomorrow. I can put Flame back if you want?”
I clicked on my phone to see the time. Midnight. Yeah, it’s past time for bed. I’ve been up since 4:30 a.m.
“Thanks for getting me. I could have stayed out here all night otherwise. I’ll put him back and see you tomorrow.”
“Okay then. Night.” He jumps back over the fence and heads back towards the house. I stare at his retreating form.
He stops halfway and turns back to say, “Danny, I’m happy you’re here too. You can stay as long as you want—we’re all happy that you’re here.” He puts his hands back in his pockets, walks towards the house, and doesn’t turn back again.
Chapter Four
Liam
We move as one, each knowing what the goal is and longing to achieve it. Aries gallops hard and fast. Both of us enjoy the moment of freedom. The rush from being on the horse is like nothing else, the finish line in our sights. Aries picks up speed, wanting to show off.
“That’s it, boy. You have it,” I say to both Aries and the wind.
We pass Ben, my oldest friend, in a whoosh of air then come to a stop, and I become one with the ground again. Ben lets out a long whistle and gives me a toothy grin.
“Nice work. You shaved off half a second.”
“I’ll take it. He was in the mood to run today. The last few times he wasn’t feeling it. Maybe seeing you at the end of the tunnel motivated him.”
Without missing a beat, Ben says, “Or getting your fat ass off is always a motivator.”
“Hey, now—120. Don’t be starting rumors.” I jump over the fence to join him.
“Good to have you back, Liam. How was the race?”
“We won so I can’t complain. Being back is good. Dad is already starting the next line-up, so I’m sure I won’t be back long. How’s the family?” Having been friends our whole lives, his family is practically my own. Lex and I lived with them for a few months after the accident.
“They’re good. Good to have you back. It was getting dull around here without you. I ran by the house to see if you were home but should have known better. When you’re back, you’ll always be out on the grounds or in the stable,” Ben points out.
“Why be in the house when I can be outside?” I reply.
With a knowing look, Ben says, “True. I guess the ghosts don’t come out here as often.”
I give no reply because I have no interest in getting into that conversation today.
He asks, “When are you moving out?”
At least that’s a safer topic. “Soon. I have over half of it out.”
“What’s the hold-up?”
Ben’s on a roll with his questions today. Truthfully, I don’t know what’s taking me so long to move. I bought the place months ago. Each day I wake up and think, Time to go, and by the end of the day there’s still always one or two boxes left. I want to leave. I’ve wanted more for the last eight years, but I know once I do, it’ll be like closing a book. It wasn’t always a good book—at times it was a horror—but it’s a book I know well. Instead of answering Ben, I settle for a shrug.
“Tell me what else is new with you. Jimmy told me you went to see Noel.” Aries nuzzles my shoulder to gain my attention. Without looking back at him, I move my hand to his nose and give it a gentle rub.
Ben’s smile is that of a cat that ate the canary and then ate another one. “Grandma is great. Still as young as ever. But she did hire someone, and I may have poached her.”
My eyebrows shoot up. Her?
Reading my thoughts, Ben continues. “Yes, her. Grandma met her on the train. Only Grandma would meet someone on the train and bring her home. Anyways, we all had lunch together, and I was telling her how I couldn’t find anyone for the position. Right away, she offered. I was doubtful at first until she started telling me about what she already knows about horses and their care. Figured what the hell—if she wasn’t built for it, the hours would get her, or the other hands would. But to my surprise, she’s done incredibly. Flame has even taken to her.”
He continues speaking, but my mind drifts to the horse.
That was surprising. Flame still won’t let me or anyone else near him. Everyone was hoping that after a while, he would let someone in, but that horse is stubborn. What does this Danny chick have that none of us do? When Sarah brought in Flame, he was severely neglected and underweight. Cuts and burns marked his body, and it looked like he’d been tangled in barbwire at some point. He’d been running five miles from Wild Horse Ranch when Sarah found him while out riding.
“You’d like her.” Ben’s voice interrupts my thoughts.
“Who?” I ask as he gives me a look that says I need to pay attention.
“Danny. Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” he asks.
“Yes, of course, sorry.”
Ben gives me a knowing look but moves on.
“Well, it’s good to see you. I need to get back home and finish some things up. I’ll catch you later.” Ben throws his keys in the air and catches them with ease. As he starts towards his car, I yell after him, “I’m having a small get-together on Saturday. You should come if you’re free.”
Without looking back, he shouts, “Maybe. We’ll see.”
I smile because I know he’ll be there. I stay out with Aries for a few more minutes. In the distance, I can see the house. It’s not been home for a long time. Everyone always asks me if I’m happy to be back, but truthfully I don’t have a home: It’s just a huge house that feels empty even when there are people there. It’s good to be back in town to see my friends, who over time have become more my family than my actual family. That’s the only reason I come back.
My phone dings the familiar sound indicating a text.
I won’t be back for dinner. Have a meeting with some sponsors.
The only surprising thing about that text is that it hasn’t come earlier. I slide the phone back into m
y pocket. Aries places his head against mine over the fence, nudging me.
“Hey now. What are you thinking? You feel better after that run? I tell you what, how about an apple.”
Aries nudges me again, moving me an inch in the process.
“Okay. Let’s go.” Quickly unlocking the gate, I begin the short walk back to the stable with him.
Seventy acres of land stretching in all directions gives the feeling of freedom from the outside world. When I was younger, I yearned to get away and see the world, but when I did get the chance to see big cities, I missed the vast open fields and wild air.
After returning Aries to his stall and giving him the promised treat, I return to the house to make dinner. While I love the outside area of the property, the house I avoid at all costs. At 6,000 square feet, it’s far too large for three people. I never feel more claustrophobic than when I’m here. As soon as I enter the house, I can hear her laughter echoing through the halls. Here the past and present mingle far too much for my liking.
Thankfully my father stopped spending much time at home years ago. That’s one less issue I need to face on a daily basis.
“The golden boy returns as the champion once more.” Lex claps as she appears in the room.
Hopping on the counter, I look over my sister. She’s lost weight since last I saw her. Her eyes look tired, as if she hasn’t slept well in days. She has our mother’s flaming red hair and green eyes. While our father put pressure on me, it was nothing compared to her. Once our mother died, it was as if Lex had disappeared to our father. He hardly looks at her. He got drunk a few years ago on what would have been their anniversary, and I finally asked him why he treats Lex the way he does. He admitted that she reminds him too much of our mother, then told me to mind my own business and not bring her up again.
Our mother is never spoken of, and there are no pictures of her in the home. He had them all thrown out or burned. I hardly remember what she looks like anymore. But the less we talk about her, the more she’s in the room. No matter what Lex does, she’s always a disappointment to our father, yet for some reason, she still cares about his opinion.
“Hey, Lex, did you miss me?”
She jumps on the opposite countertop. “Of course I missed you. How long you here for this time?”
I know she hates being here by herself. I keep telling her that she should just move out and get a smaller place of her own. I offered to give her the money even though she has her own. She makes good money modeling and working at the pageants. But she won’t do it because she knows how our father would react. The fight it would cause isn’t worth it. While he doesn’t want to be around her, he does want to control her from afar.
One day she’ll realize that she needs to just leave and never return. I keep hoping that every time I come back, her stuff will be ready to go, though if she hasn’t realized after twenty years that our father will never change, she may never know it.
“I don’t know, Lex. For a little while at least. What do you say we make some dinner?” I hop down and go towards the fridge. She gives me a strange look as I open the refrigerator and I quickly realize why. It’s empty.
“What have you been eating?” I ask the cold air against my face.
“Lots and lots of takeout,” she answers with her goofy smile.
“On to plan B.”
“To pizza.”
Chapter Five
Danny
My eyes open to the dark room. I click on my phone to check the time: 4:25 a.m. Five more minutes till the alarm goes off. Might as well just get up. I throw the covers off and turn on the bedside light. At least today is Friday. Tomorrow is my day off, not that I’ll do anything different.
I grab my clothes for the day out of the drawer and run to the bathroom to finalize getting ready, then head downstairs. The last few days I’ve been the first one up so I’m surprised when I hear Ben’s and Jimmy’s voices coming from the kitchen.
I find them eating eggs and bacon. “Morning,” I say. My voice still crackles from sleep.
“Morning,” they say, their mouths full. Ben adds, “Grab a plate.”
I open the cabinet and reach for a plate, then place a good helping of food on it. The eggs look great this morning.
“Ben, did you hear Liam is back in town?” Jimmy asks after he finishes his bite of food.
“Yeah. I saw him the other day. He won the race and got a good prize from it. I’m sure he’s itching to spend the money somehow.”
Randomly Jimmy asks, “Can you take me to town this weekend?”
“Why?” Ben asks over his plate.
“Just ’cause.” I can see it was a hardship for Jimmy not to roll his eyes.
“Not an answer. Plus, I have plans this weekend. Ask Mom or Dad.” Ben stands up and moves to rinse off his plate.
Jimmy looks at me as I sit. “Can you take me, Danny?”
“I hate to disappoint you, kid, but I don’t have a car to take you,” I point out to him once more. He’d asked me before to take him somewhere. I’d considered looking at cars but honestly I don’t need one right now. Maybe I’ll look in the next few weeks once I have more of a game plan for where I’ll be moving next.
“Whatever,” he mumbles, getting up and sulking from the room.
Ben calls after him, “Watch it. And you left your plate. Last I checked we don’t have a maid.” Ben grabs the plate and rinses it, shaking his head. He says to me, “I don’t know what’s up with him.”
“He’s a teenager.” Someone should get the luxury of that excuse.
Shooting me a look Ben says, annoyance in his tone, “Well if he keeps it up, he won’t make it to his twenties.”
I fork an egg and eat it, before asking Ben, “What plans do you have this weekend?”
“My friend Liam’s just back in town. He’s a jockey and rides all over the states in different races. He’s back and forth all the time. He’s pretty well known even with being young. Anyways, he’s back and throwing a party. You should come. It’ll be fun.”
It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a party. I never had much time back home because I was always working, and when I wasn’t working, I was visiting James. It may be fun but… new people ask questions—questions I don’t want to answer.
“Maybe. Depends if I get all the work done here.”
Ben rolls his eyes at my response. “Oh, come on, Danny. You always get your work done before everyone else. You’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and my parents are ready to name you MVP of the year. Come and let loose—have some fun. It may do you some good.” He reaches for my empty plate. “Think about it. I don’t need to know till later tonight anyways.”
“I’ll think on it. Thanks for breakfast.” I make my escape quickly and head outside to start the day.
Sam is already mucking out a stall. I grab a shovel and help. I like Sam; while he’s quiet, he works hard and is helpful. Plus, I’m not in the mood to talk. I can’t get what Ben said about having fun out of my head. I can’t stop thinking of the last person to say that to me.
❖
The treatment center is quiet. Maybe because it’s a Thursday night. I usually go on Saturday. I walk to Lizzie, the head nurse. “How is he?” I ask.
“He’s had a good day. You can head in.” The nurse sighs as if anticipating that tomorrow won’t be a good day.
“Okay, thanks,” I mumble, walking towards the room. Room 214 this time. Last time it was 220 and the time before that 307. Every time he gets out, he’s back in a few weeks. Each time I think it’ll be different and each time I’m disappointed. But I have hope. And hope is something.
He’s lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. At first, he doesn’t hear me enter and I take a moment to take in my big brother. The one that taught me to ride a bike and how to mix chocolate in the milk to get it the perfect taste. It was forever ago but I can still conjure the feelings attached to the memories instantly.
“Counting the dots on the w
all again. What number have you come up to this time, 1,003?” I ask.
He sits up in the bed. I note that his caramel hair is getting long. “There’s not much to do here. Can you bring me a new book next time? And it was 1,114, thank you,” he points out.
He moves out of the bed to give me a quick hug. He’s a good few inches taller than me, so he has to lean down. He kisses my check and says, “You have good plans this weekend? Are you actually going to have some fun and let loose?” He emphasizes the having fun part.
“You’ve let loose enough for the both of us. And no. No good plans for the weekend. Father has his annual party on Saturday.” I sit on the bed, and he sits next to me. “I hear you’re getting out next week. That’s great. I thought that we should get out here for a while. Make a new start.”
“I wish you’d stop seeing him. You need to stop caring about me, Danny. You need to live your life and make your mistakes. Stop letting me drag you down.” He sighs.
I have to keep from rolling my eyes. “James, you’ve never dragged me down. I make my own decisions. I choose to stay here for you, not because of you.”
He looks at me with sad eyes. “Same thing, Danny. Mom would want you to go.”
“It’s not the same thing. Mom’s not here to get a say, and I’m done with this discussion. I’m only here for a little while, so happy thoughts. I want you to think about where you want to go. I was thinking of Arizona. Think about it.” I reach into my bag and pull out Uno. “Enough talking—I have a game to win.”
“I’ll shuffle. You always stack the deck in your favor.” He grabs the game.
“I do not!”
“Do too.” He pulls the deck out. “But, Danny, promise me that you’ll have fun. Promise me you’ll live your life?”
“I am living, James. Now shut up and deal,” I snap.
❖
“You okay, Danny?” Sam’s voice brings me back.
“Yeah, sorry I was lost in thought. That’s all. Any good plans for the weekend?” I ask, trying to distract him from my obvious change in mood.