by Marie Scully
Without saying a word, she points to the large tote bag by the door as she zips the duffel she’s finished packing to the top. She struggles to zip it, ultimately compromising by only closing it halfway.
Liam grabs the tote and starts packing some of the remainders. If she wants any more, it’ll have to wait. “Lex, we’re going to have to talk about this.”
She swings the duffel over her shoulder. “Not now we don’t. Anything I say now I know I’ll regret later. Leave it for now, Liam.”
He opens his mouth to say something but thinks better of it and closes it just as quickly. Following her lead, we grab our packed bags and trail her down the hallway. I was expecting to see their father ready to say something, but he’s nowhere in sight. Going through the kitchen to get to the garage reveals three other vehicles I haven’t seen yet.
“Are these yours or your father’s?” I can’t help but ask.
“The Lamborghini is his, the convertible is Lex’s, and the Audi is mine. The rest we share.”
Lex opens the door to her car, throwing the bag in the passenger’s seat.
“You know where you’re going?” Liam asks as she pushes the button to open the garage door. She nods and gets into the convertible, putting it in reverse and peeling out of the driveway. Liam unlocks his car and pops the trunk.
“You can’t blame her for not wanting to talk right now,” I say as he pushes the button to close the trunk. “Give her some time.”
We both get into his car and he begins to pull away, continuing the conversation. “I don’t blame her for not waiting to talk right now. But what if she doesn’t forgive me?” he asks, looking lost.
“She’ll forgive you. But this is a shock to you. You even said that she doesn’t do confrontation. Doing that to your father will have done a number on her.”
He doesn’t say anything and continues to be lost in his own thoughts for the rest of the drive. The home Liam bought is an average-sized house with a wraparound porch with white beams. Windows on all sides of the home give the feel of being outside, and the property has two miles of land attached. He shows us where he hopes to build the stable. It has an entirely different feeling than the house we just left. The atmosphere reminds me a little of Ben’s home. This is the kind of place that people have game nights on Saturday with the family, where kids play outside, and barbecuing happens every night. It’s a family home—the kind of place I pictured on my way to my father’s the first time. I can’t help but hope that this could be the home I help build with Liam.
Lex finds her bed, leaving Liam and me to eat long-cold pizza. Finishing the last nibble of crust, Liam says, “Sorry that dinner was a disaster.”
I weigh my options before responding, “It’s not your fault. Believe it or not I’ve seen worse.” I had so many times; one couldn’t be in the Monroe family without seeing some doozies. I pull the purse that’s sitting next to me into my lap and reach in. I feel Liam’s eyes on me, curiosity filling his gaze. Pulling out Halloween I say excitedly, “There’s still time for the movie.”
Giving a deep laugh and a flash of his pearly white teeth, he says, “I’d have thought you’d have had your fill of horror movies tonight.”
“Nope, not yet. Besides, there was no murder tonight, just a waste of what I assume was fine wine.”
“It was a good wine. I feel sorry for the grapes that gave their lives for it only to end up on the wall.”
Liam shuts the empty pizza box as he stands up, moving towards me. Grasping my hand, with a tug he pulls me to my feet. His thumb makes small circles around my hand, sending shivers down my spine and fantasies through my mind. He tugs again, pulling me closer.
“Or we could skip the movie,” he says, running his hands over my arms.
My body heats at the thought, and I almost take him up on the offer. Instead, I lean closer, balling the fabric of his shirt in my fist and pulling, changing directions towards the family room as he moans, realizing what I’m intending. “You’re not getting out of watching this movie that easily.”
He gives another moan.
“Nope, still not getting out of it.”
Reaching the family room, I plop down on the couch, holding the movie out to him with two fingers. He takes it with a shake of his head.
“Fine, you win, but I just want you to know I may be too scared later on to perform well,” he says as he bends to put the DVD on.
I give a snort and respond, “Somehow, I think you’ll manage.”
Sitting next to him on the couch, I lean into him, enjoying his warmth. The familiar sound of the theme music fills the room. I know I’ll jump at certain parts because I always do, no matter how often I watch this movie. Some jump scenes just get me every time. Halloween was one of James’s favorites, and we would watch it every October on repeat. I haven’t been able to watch it since he passed though—too many memories would have come flooding back.
I’m not really sure why I picked this movie for tonight. I saw it in the five-dollar movie bin at Walmart, and it called to me. Surprisingly, the start of the film doesn’t have me bursting into tears. Memories do flood back, but I’m able to handle them and let them flash through my mind—now I can smile at the time James broke a tooth on a gumball or when the top of my cup overflowed, covering the two of us in sticky soda. I can smile and mean it without crying and retreating into my head.
It’s as if I’ve made more progress being here than I have in the years since his death. I know it’s Ben and his family, Liam, and even myself that have brought the changes within me.
Liam does his best not to jump at the jump scenes, but I saw him move into the couch a few times. The movie was a win because I got him to agree to watch the second one on our next movie night. We try to stay awake for the next film, Pirates of the Caribbean, but we both fall asleep halfway through.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Danny
We wake the next day to Lex cooking breakfast. I quickly fill my plate with the huge pancakes she’s made with bacon and strawberries. Before Liam and Lex start to eat, Lex asks Liam if they can talk.
I don’t ask what they talked about, but when they return, they both seem more relaxed and happier. Whatever was discussed has put Liam more at ease.
One week after the dinner with his father, I let the horses keep pace with each other perfectly at Liam’s new home. Galloping through the open fields a mile from the house, it feels as if we’re the only two people alive in that moment. Liam slows Jupiter down and I rein in Flame, and both of us let the horses just walk, enjoying the freedom of being away from work and responsibility.
“Have you ever been in love?” Liam asks out of the blue.
I try to mask my face, but I know I fail miserably.
“No, not true love anyways. Have you? With Nicole?”
Liam’s nose wrinkles at the mention of her name. “No, I haven’t been in love either. I thought briefly that I was with Nicole, but I realized that at best it was infatuation. Nicole and I were good together for what we needed to be. Honestly, I knew for a while that we weren’t going to work out, but it was easier to just pretend than to bite the bullet and tell her. That was my mistake. I should have ended it as soon as I knew instead of waiting. Nicole didn’t love me either. She loved the idea of what a life with me would be, but not me. I knew when I caught her cheating that I was long overdue to break things off.”
“Why do you ask?” I wonder, hoping that he won’t tell me he’s in love with me while at the same time hoping he does. My feelings are all over the place with Liam. I want him to be around all the time and am always excited to see him. He makes me laugh without even meaning to. At the same time, I know that my feelings are getting dangerously close to love. If I let myself fall fully and he leaves, I’ll have to pick myself back up once more, and I honestly don’t know how many more times I can do that.
Liam opens his mouth to say something, then closes it once more. Finally, he says, “Just wondering.”
> Trying to change the subject, I ask what he would be doing if he wasn’t racing.
“Honestly, I’ve spent my whole life on horses—I don’t know what I would do without them. One day I’d love to open a center for kids and horses. Maybe for at-risk youth. Everyone should have the opportunity to work with these animals. It’s something Ben and I have been talking about for a while. What did you want to do?”
“It’s been a long time since anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up.”
Liam lets out a deep laugh before I continue. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve done a little of everything, with all the moving I did. I want to go to college. Maybe go to school for business. Maybe work in marketing.”
“What would you name this marketing business?”
“I’ve had so many different name ideas over the years, but I think I’ve finally decided on The Flame. After Flame. He’s helped me in more ways than I care to admit. If I hadn’t met him my first day at Ben’s and he hadn’t connected with me, I don’t think I’d still be here. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a purpose to be here besides just working. Getting up every day and checking on his progress gave me a goal, and seeing how far he’s come, I like to think I can take a small amount of credit.”
“It’s not silly. You both connected. That’s no small feat. I don’t think anyone else would have gotten him where he is but you—lots of people tried.” Liam grasps my hand and pulls it to his lips. “You have this way about you where everything else around just fades. You give off a sense of peace. I’ve never met anyone like you before.” His words cause my heart to beat faster. “Danny, I…”
Before he can continue, I urge Flame to begin running, yelling back into the wind about racing home. The wind catches my hair, blowing it backward, Jupiter’s hoofs getting closer to me each passing second as I lean over Flame’s back, our goal to win becoming the same.
Scents of wildflowers and grass tickle my nose and we race through trees, enjoying the seconds of shade they provide. Jupiter is still behind me—Liam obviously isn’t letting him have full rein. I know I should have let him continue but I needed a second to get my thoughts in order. This was just supposed to be fun; it wasn’t supposed to get this serious. I wasn’t supposed to let it, but at some point my head and heart forgot the plan.
The rush of air catches Flame and me by surprise as Jupiter and Liam race past us. Thoughts continue to circle around in my mind, no longer in control as Flame picks up my mood, running faster, as if running would make all the thoughts leave my brain. Hopefully Flame is right and when we’re back at Liam’s everything will make sense to me. But when we get there the thoughts still race, even though Flame was done racing, tired from the day.
Liam was much quieter than usual that evening, our earlier conversation hanging in the room like an elephant. We dance around the topic, settling for safer subjects like his next race and Flame and choices of riders. Saturday would be Flame’s first ever big race. I’m nervous for him but know he’ll do great. He was born to race. I just don’t know how he’ll do with a new rider.
After dinner, I make a move to leave when Liam pulls me back into his lap.
“Where are you going?” he whispers against my ear.
“Hmm, Canada…”
“Ahh, hm.” He nips my ear, his hands moving over my body. “Try again?”
“Mexico…”
He drops kisses over my neck. “Still not liking that answer.”
Pulling my shirt down, his lips move to my bare shoulder, biting against the flesh and causing me to gasp.
“Back home.” More a question than a statement now.
Tugging the shirt from my jeans, he lifts it from my body and tosses it to the ground. “Shirtless? Danny, that could cause an accident.” The sides of his fingers dance over my skin. “That’s just irresponsible.”
“I agree,” I get out as he undoes my jeans and his hand slips past my underwear to find my wetness. My legs clasp tighter around his hand.
“Where were you going again?” he asks, rubbing.
My head arches back against his shoulder. “On second thought I should stay here. I’d hate to cause a wreck.” I catch his lips tugging up into a catlike smile.
“I think you’ve made a very moral choice.”
“What do I get for my choice?” I ask.
“A reward, of course.” His fingers move faster, and my body tingles all over, waiting for its release. Knowing it’s close. Not even caring that it’s going to reach its pleasure sitting in Liam’s lap in the kitchen. I’m enjoying the sensations racing though my body. My breast ache for his touch.
One more stroke pushes me overboard and his hand slips away, his body continuing to hold me up as I go limp, enjoying the aftermath, my body tingling with pleasure.
“Staying here tonight will be a good choice.”
Liam chuckles. “Yes, I think so.”
It’s a very good choice.
❖
Liam
The dream forms a memory I’d long forgotten or buried. Running from the bus stop towards home, I’m already counting the number of cookies I was going to eat. Mom had told us that she was baking cookies today and that when we got home, we were going to help. Lex always pays careful attention to Mom’s instructions while I mix some things together and hope it turns out okay. Or eat the raw cookie dough while Mom’s back is turned. Lex is right behind me as we enter the house and drop our book bags by the door. Running into the kitchen, I see Dad and Mom laughing over the spilled sugar that had landed on the floor, making the wooden floor white.
“Dad, you’re home,” Lex cries, running into his arm and through the sugar in her excitement. Dad lifts her up high, not noticing the shoe marks in the sugar.
“How could I stay at the office with thoughts of cookie baking on my mind.”
I watch as Mom shakes her head at him, smiling.
“Liam, go get the broom from the panty,” she directs me in her sing-song voice. Quickly I do her bidding. The quicker it gets cleaned up, the sooner I can eat the unsuspecting cookie dough. Dad helps, and it’s done in a couple of minutes.
With Christmas nearing, Dad would be coming home earlier more often, and soon, we would take the family vacation to where I don’t know yet. Every Christmas, they give us gifts that represent where we’re going, and we need to guess. Last year was Disney. The picture of us all with Mickey Mouse sits on my bedside table. Dad looks up from the trashcan with the discarded sugar and rolls his hands together in anticipation.
“Let’s get this baking thing going.” Mom starts giving directions to Lex to get things from the fridge, I’m sent once more to the pantry, and Dad gets the needed trays. By the end of the afternoon, we’re covered in sugar and dough—yummy goodness. We laugh and talk about our day, and what we hope Santa beings us.
When the cookies are finally done, Dad takes them out the oven, and Lex and I run to get the first one. Dad holds the pan away. “Now now. Your mother put the plan in action—she gets the first one.”
He puts the pan of fresh hot cookies on the counter, and after a moment to cool, he holds one up to Mom while she smiles as if he’s given her a diamond. She takes a small bite and moans.
“Good?” Dad asks.
She nods slowly, savoring the taste. The way they stare at each other is sweeter than the cookies, and my instinct is to moan from how gross it is. Dad nods towards the cookies, and Lex and I dig in. I keep glancing at my parents as they lean against the counter, enjoying their cookies and each other’s company. After the cookies, Mom gets the raspberry ice cream, and we move to the family room to watch a movie before bed. We sit in the same spots every time: Lex next to Mom, Dad on one end with Mom on his right, his arm wrapped around her, and me on the far end with my legs spread out.
❖
I wake up to Danny curled up next to me, my lips still curved in a smile from the dream. I can’t remember the last time I had a dream like that—so vivid and happy. Sometimes i
t was easier to remember all the bad and none of the good. But there was a lot of good. After her death, I was so wrapped in my own grief that I honestly never thought about how hard it was on my dad to lose the love of his life. There has been no other for him. If I was honest, when it comes to her death, I still feel like that ten-year-old that found her. I’d forgotten how close Lex was with our dad—how close we all were. How his smile could brighten up a room and how addictive his laugh was. I always wanted to keep saying funny things to hear him laugh. No matter what happened, we were always a family, and I guess we still are.
Slowly I push the covers from my body, and as quickly and slowly as possible, I slide from the bed so as not to wake Danny. There was one box in my room left unpacked. Danny tried to unpack it earlier, but I’d told her to leave it—that I’d get to it later. Thankfully the tape had been removed from the top; otherwise, I would wake up Danny.
I flip the top open and peer in. I had one box left from my childhood, and this was it. I went through a period where I got rid of everything that reminded me of my mother, just like my dad did. I guess I never wanted to admit how similarly we took the loss.
Pushing some objects around, I find what I’m seeking. I pull out the old frame. It’s cracked down the center, but the picture’s still in near-perfect condition. Five smiling faces peer back at me, Lex hugging Mickey’s leg, Mickey’s arm around Mom and I, and Dad off to the side to let us have full access to the mouse. A small tear drips onto the frame and I quickly wipe it away. It wasn’t a sad tear. It was, for the first time in a long time, a happy one.
Moving back to the bed, I place the picture on the bedside table on my side of the bed. Before getting back into bed, I notice Danny’s curious eyes looking at me. I don’t say anything as I crawl back under the covers.
“It’s a good picture,” she whispers.
I nod. I can’t speak at the moment; it was indeed a good picture.