by Marie Scully
“Tell me about her?” she murmurs, intertwining her hand in my own.
I sigh. “Every morning she would be in the barn with them. Feeding, cleaning, brushing, riding. You name it, she did it. The horses loved her. They knew as soon as she entered the barn. They would all stick their necks out, knowing that they’d be getting a treat or some loving. Lex was right when she said she could cook. She also baked. She made the most amazing peanut-butter cookies. We had this tradition that for each of our birthdays, we would all play hooky from work or school and spend the day together, doing whatever the birthday person wanted to do.”
I smile up at the ceiling, thinking of my last birthday with her. We went to the movies and then the skating rink. Dad was terrible. Fell trying to get up, but he still went for it.
“Her laughter just drew you. Even if I was upstairs, I could hear her laughing and had to come down to see what was happening. And she was kind. God, Danny, she was kind. To everyone. She made Dad a better person. Hell, she made all of us better people. I wonder what she would think of us now. How disappointed she would be.”
A frown forms on Danny’s face. “I think she’d be proud of you.”
“Why do you say that? We’re a mess most of the time.”
“Yeah, you guys do have your issues.” I laugh at her description. “But everyone does. But you’re an amazing rider and person. You’ve made something of yourself even with all that pain and loss. Lex and your dad as well. Every day they get up and keep trying. Some days are better than others, but they still try. That’s something to be proud of; not everyone can do that. So yeah, I think she’d be proud of you.
Sitting there for a moment, I let her words sink in. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Danny asks in confusion.
“Everything. Just being you,” I answer her softy.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Liam
A week after having the dream I take Danny out to lunch on her break. Sitting at the new French restaurant with her, I try to pay attention to what she’s saying, but my mind keeps wandering back to my conversation with Lex this morning. It started the same as all the others have over the last week—we’d talk about our plans for the day and avoid the topic of Dad at all costs, but then, out of nowhere, Lex asked me about Danny.
Even when I was dating Nicole, Lex never asked me about our relationship. In fact, she stayed as far away from the topic as possible, which was fine with me—I didn’t need my little sister asking me about my love life any more than I wanted to know about hers. I told Lex that everything was good between Danny and me and thought that would be the end of the topic. Instead, Lex sat in silence, as if waiting for me to continue
“What?” I asked her.
“Nothing,” was her short reply
“Based on that nothing, it’s something, so just spill it.” I was getting frustrated with her, but I couldn’t fully understand why.
Another pause, uncharacteristic for Lex—at least with me.
“You seem different with her. Happier. I always knew that you and Nicole weren’t going to work out; it was only a matter of time. That’s why I never said anything about how messed up you two are together. I knew you would figure it out. With Danny, you’ve opened up to her in ways you haven’t with anyone else. You love her, don’t you?”
It was my turn to sit in silence. Love? Yes, I’d thought of the L-word more often recently. Yes, I looked forward to seeing Danny. Yes, I’ve opened up to her more than most people in my life.
Now, sitting across from her, my heart beats faster as I realize it’s true: I do love her. I wonder if she feels the same way? That would be my luck: I fall in love with a woman and she tells me she doesn’t feel the same or, more likely in Danny’s case, runs
Taking a breath, I try to claim my nerves. “Danny, I want you to tell me more about your past.”
Danny stops mid-sentence; I’m not sure what she was talking about as I was so caught up in my own head. Her mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water and her eyes grow large, her hands going to her lap where I know they’re playing nervously with the napkin
“I don’t like talking about my past—you know that.” She’s stuttering.
“I know you don’t, but you told me a little about James.” She flinches at his name. “I want to know all of you. Tell me anything about your childhood.”
She shakes her head as if in a daze, the stuttering now gone and replaced with anger. “Liam, I don’t want to discuss my past. It’s just that—my past.”
“But it’s not. I used to think the same thing. But after meeting you and realizing how similar our pasts are in some ways, I realize it’s what makes us: We are what we are because of our past. It doesn’t define us, but it has shaped us. I want to know what made you. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and make me laugh like no one else. I wake up thinking about you, and when I’m gone, I can’t get you out of my head,” I say, giving the waiter a look that tells him right now isn’t a good time to stop by and take our food order. “We talk about everything but never about your past.”
“My past I will not talk about. I’m not that person anymore. Stop pushing it.”
With that, she stands, causing the chair to scrape against the wooden floor, tosses the napkin on the table, and turns her back. Throwing cash on the table, I wave my hand in apology at the waiter and run after her. Maybe I pushed things too far today, but if I don’t push her, I don’t think she’ll ever open up, and I fear if she doesn’t, she could just run and not look back.
Love is much more complicated than I thought it would be.
❖
Danny
The day had started out excellent, with Liam picking me up with flowers in hand. He took me to a newly opened French café that had a small outside patio for lunch. Everything was going great; we were joking with each other and he was telling me funny stories about Ben and Megan growing up.
It was all going perfectly until Liam asked me about my past. Of course, I couldn’t be a normal person and just give something up. Instead I had a near panic attack thinking about what to say and snapped, which made Liam want to know even more. Everything I said or didn’t say made him want to know more, which wasn’t odd—I just couldn’t open old wounds—but my reaction at lunch now means Liam is pissed and once we’re in the car, he explodes.
“You never talk about your past,” he observes, his knuckles white on the steering wheel, his lips set in a hard line.
“Because there’s nothing to tell,” I snap back. I stupidly thought that he would leave well enough alone. Just because he chooses to give me information about his past—which I never pry about—doesn’t mean I need to. My past is my past, and it’ll stay there as long as I want it to. Although I’m angry with him, I’m more pissed at myself for getting into this situation to begin with.
Liam continues to weave down the road, staring straight ahead, anger coming off him in waves, feeding my own fire.
“You told me about your brother—why can’t you tell me about your parents? I know you had them; you weren’t hatched. I don’t even know if you have any family at all. You’ve met all the people important to me and I don’t even know anything about you other than that you had a brother.”
“You know more about me than most.” I hang on to my anger instead of my hurt. It’s easier that way.
“Danny, I know that, but your past helped to shape who you are. I want to know all of you.”
I see the sign for Wild Horse Ranch in the distance where I would be able to decompress and, if I was honest, hide.
As he turns onto the gravel road I say, “Why do you want to know all of me?” I unhook my seat beat before he pulls up to the house, ready to jump out as soon as humanly possible. But as I reach for the door handle, I’m stopped by Liam’s hand pulling my arm back.
Meeting his gaze, I glare, but he’s pleading with his eyes as he says, “Because I love you. I’ve fallen in love with you.”
F
or a moment I can’t breathe. The oxygen is sucked from the car with that word. Why did he have to say that?
Without a word I remove myself from the car and run into the house, up the stairs to my room, not caring what anyone thinks of me. The only thing I care about is hiding from the world. As much as it scares me to admit it, I’ve fallen in love with him too, and that’s terrifying.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Liam
My hands hit the steering wheel repeatedly as I watch Danny leave. Stupid. Why did I have to go there? I should’ve waited. She was starting to open up more, but something like panic came over me, and I needed to know everything right then. It was as if, for an instant, I saw her with one foot out the door and would do anything to pull her back. I’d thought insanely that the more I knew, the more she would want to stay. Instead, it did the opposite and probably sent her flying.
I can fix this. I’ll call her later and apologize. Tell her that I don’t need to know.
Putting the car in drive I pull away from Wild Horse Ranch and start home. I’ll go home and talk to Lex. Maybe she has an idea of what I can do.
I don’t know when I fell in love with Danny. At lunch, I tried to pinpoint the moment, but there wasn’t a single defining moment that it happened. It wasn’t like in the movies where it was instant. It happened a little more everyday with little things. Like how she texts before and after a race, wishing me luck and congratulating me no matter where I place. And how she lets out little things about herself in different ways. I fell in love a little the night at the fair when she agreed to go on a date and the night watching the stars. I love her courage and her ability to adapt to whatever life throws at her. I love how there’s one piece of hair that won’t go where she wants it to, no matter how many times she moves it. The combination of little everyday things and conversation, touches, kisses led me to fall in love.
Turning the corner, my mind still on Danny, I yell, “Fuck,” as I notice the cow in the middle of the road. I’m going too fast to stop. Quickly turning the wheel, I run off the side of the road, but instead of the cow there’s a tree. I’m going to hit it. This is going to hurt.
The car smashes into the strong trunk, my body thrown forward but held in place by the seat belt. My head slams into the steering wheel, glass breaks, and darkness circles in front of my eyes, calling to me. I try to stay awake, but the darkness appears pleasant and calming, calling sweet nothings to me till I surrender.
❖
My body is floating. Not painfully, like floating above the water. The darkness is calming. I wonder if this is where I see the light, or my mom magically shows up.
But neither one of these things happens. Moving through the darkness, there is nothing, then, out of nowhere, the softest of touches lands on my shoulder. Almost like a hand, but there was nothing there—just the feeling of a hand. My mind flashes back to my first day at school when my mom took me to the bus for the first time. She rested her hand on my shoulder in much the same way the invisible force is. Just before the bus pulled up, she leaned down and whispered in my ear, “New things are scary, but from these scary experiences, we grow. Never be afraid of growing.”
The feel of the hand disappears as suddenly as it appeared. The first thing I notice is the beeping and monitors. My head pounds. What happened?
❖
Danny
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know Ben is shaking me awake. “Danny. Danny!” His frantic voice enters my foggy mind and I jerk awake, his worried expression the first thing I see.
“What? What’s happened?”
He’s still leaning over me so I can’t get out of bed. He must realize that because he takes a step away.
“It’s Liam. He was in an accident on the way home from here. Lex just called; they took him to the hospital.”
My mind screams at me. Not again. This can’t be happening again. I don’t think I can survive another loss. I know I can’t.
“Danny. Did you hear me? We have to go.” Ben pulls me from the bed by my arm.
“I can’t.”
I thought I’d said it to myself, but I must have spoken out loud because Ben asks, still holding my arm, “Can’t what?”
Shaking my head, I pull my arm from his grip and move towards the door. “Nothing. Let’s go.”
Taking the stairs two at a time, we race for Ben’s truck. Jimmy yells after us, asking what’s wrong, but we don’t have time to answer. We don’t have time. Ben quickly puts the truck in reverse and peels down the road.
Unable to make a coherent thought, I look out the window, thinking back on the last conversation I had with Liam. Why had I not told him how I feel? I should have left it at the first kiss on the camping trip, but I had to keep going back for more. Each time we talked, kissed, did anything together I fell a little more deeply.
Seven miles up the road, we see what’s left of Liam’s car wrapped around a tree, the whole front crunched like a tin can under a foot. Police cars are still on scene. I know Ben looked as well but he doesn’t say a word; he just speeds up.
I want to ask what Lex had said about his condition when they talked, but I can’t get the words out.
After what feels like hours, we pull up to the hospital. Quickly parking, we both fly from the car towards the emergency doors.
The first thing that comes over me as we enter is the smell. There isn’t enough cleaning one can do for a hospital to get rid of the smell of sickness and death. It lingers. I don’t think I every fully got it off me. The plain white walls and floors with the pictures of flowers can’t mask what this place is.
I stop behind Ben as he starts demanding answers from the front desk nurse. She quickly types on the keyboard. Not quick enough for Ben because he slams his hand on the desk, causing me to jump and her to type faster. Continuing to stare down the hall I see a familiar figure exit a room. Without turning back to Ben, I place my hand on his arm, trying to get his attention. He must think I’m trying to calm him down though because he simple shakes me off.
“Ben. Look. Lex.”
The words finally register in his brain because he turns to look at who I’m pointing at, and without another word to the nurse, we walk briskly towards Lex. She doesn’t see us coming. Her back is against the wall, her arms across her chest, eyes downcast.
Ben rushes towards her. I walk slowly, counting my steps as I move. Ben wants information while I want to wait for as long as possible, believing that he’s still here. Knowing that if certain words fall from Lex’s lips, my world will crumble again. I’m in no rush to hear those words. Each step is a silent prayer that they won’t be said.
Wind brushes against my side as Megan runs past me to join Lex and Ben. She hadn’t even seen me. Her mind is on one thing—the same thing as Ben: Needing information and answers.
I stop a few feet away from the three friends, and they glance back at me, halting their conversation. Wondering why I haven’t come closer. Not understanding that my feet have stopped and won’t go any further.
I keep staring down the long white hallway, my mind retreating to a similar scene.
❖
“Come on, Danny.” James’s hand pulls me down the hallway. My short legs can’t keep up with his much longer ones. Looking back, he commands, “Keep up.”
My arm pulls forward trying to stay with him, but he drops my hand and powers down the hall, leaving me to run, my soft bunny dangling from my right hand, swinging as I move. James made a right down the hall, but after that I don’t know what way he went. Picking up the pace, I turn the corner. Still white walls and floors. Nothing to distinguish that I’ve even made a turn except for the room numbers. I creep into different rooms to see if they’re in there.
The white of the jacket gives the doctor away as he leaves a room, quietly shutting the door. He leans his head against the door and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. Not noticing me.
After anther breath he turns around and catches me staring.
Now that I can see his full face, I recognize him to be Mom’s doctor. He takes a step towards me with sad eyes.
I take a step back, instinctively, and he moves to sit on his haunches.
“Do you want to see her?” he asks.
I nod and he takes my free hand as the other grips tightly into the bunny’s fur. He leads me to the closed door. Pushing it open, I see James weeping. Forgetting that the doctor is there I race towards the bed. I place the bunny on the flowered chair and move to the other side of our mother. Just looking, unable to touch for fear of breaking her. Time ceases to have all meaning. The clock ticks but has lost all significance.
When we finally leave the room, time starts again, against my wishes. The bunny stays by her side.
As if my mind can no longer keep the memories at bay, I return to what happened during the last event at my father’s—the moment my world broke into a million different pieces.
The room is filled with light. Candles cast shadows all around, and people mingle, holding their glasses of champagne and wine. Women wear long dresses and men suits. They all have the same thing in common: Money. Some were born into it while others made it in business and oil.
Servers move around the room with trays of drinks and appetizers. Everyone is here to fill a purpose. Some are there to see my father’s power; others here for my father to suck up to. No one here is a friend. They’re all here to exchange something; whether it was information or money, it was all a part of the exchange.
My face is beginning to hurt from all the sham smiling I’m doing, and I’ve lost Holly and Nick in the sea of faces. They’re off sucking up the same as I am; however, they at least know some of the people at this party.
I’m speaking to Jeff Davis, whom I speak to every year. He’s sixty-five and the kind of guy everyone wants as their grandfather—kind and engaging. He’s traveled the world and lived almost everywhere at least at some point in his life.