by Marie Scully
He’s always the only one to ask me how James was doing. Not even Holly or Nick ask me that. I’m sure that was our father’s doing. If I could talk to Jeff all night, I would, but I’m here for business and need to move on to the next person. My father will already be pissed that I’ve talked to Jeff this long, but we’re talking about Egypt. It’s fascinating, and it would be rude to walk away.
“Well, my dear, I’m sure you have to make your rounds. I won’t keep you any longer,” Jeff says as if sensing our time together is drawing to a close. “Thank you for keeping an old man company.” He reaches out to shake my hand again.
“It’s always a pleasure to talk to you, Mr. Davis. Truly,” I say honestly.
Walking away from Jeff, l begin looking for the next person I need to schmooze with. I feel my phone vibrating once more in my purse. That must be the fourth time it’s gone off. Who in the world is trying to get a hold of me tonight? Any other night I hear from no one. I don’t have that many friends and the three I do have know where I am tonight, and my co-workers and boss know I have the night off.
Whoever’s calling me is lost from my thoughts as an arm grabs me, pulling me back.
“Long time, Danny.”
I would recognize that voice anywhere. I spin around and look at Kevin Watson. Kevin is Nick’s friend. While we aren’t close, he is a familiar, kind face.
“You’re the second person I’m happy to see here tonight,” I say.
“Well, that’s pretty sad since there are close to sixty-five people here. You’re in for a long night,” he says, looking down at me. He’s the only person I know who’s taller than my brother.
“I know, right.” My phone vibrates again. I look down at my purse as Kevin asks if I need to take the call.
“Yeah, probably—it’s been going off all night. Sorry. Just a sec.” I pull out my phone and my heart sinks.
It’s the hospital. Something’s wrong. Without another word to Kevin, I quickly move out of the room, hitting people by accident as I go. Once in the quiet of the hallway, I hit the answer button on the phone. My hand is shaking, and I’m holding my breath.
“Hello.” It’s more a question than a statement.
“Miss Danielle,” the frantic voice on the other end says. “There’s been an accident. You need to get here right away. Your brother—”
“What about my brother?” I ask, afraid I already know the answer.
“You should get here. This isn’t something you should hear over the phone.”
“Tell me.” My voice comes out stronger than I feel.
“Someone got drugs into the hospital—we’re investigating it now. But… your brother… he overdosed… There was nothing we could do. I am so very sorry.” Her voice breaks at that.
I’m numb. My whole body shuts down. My legs give out, and I slide to the floor. This can’t be happening. Not James. We were going to get out of this town. We had plans. We had goals. He was going to get better.
I know it. I know it. I know it.
“Miss Danielle?” The voice on the other end gets smaller as the phone slips from my grasp, falling to the floor.
I am alone. Truly alone. Why? Why did he do this? He was getting better. I know it. My world comes tumbling down all around me, and I don’t know how long I sit there on the ground with my phone next to me. I’ve lost all sense of time. I hear my name being called, but it feels like I’m underwater.
Nick’s face is foggy as he sits in front of me, saying my name. “Danny? What’s happened?”
“He’s dead,” I say, my voice holding no feeling.
“Who’s dead?”
“James.” The name falls from my lips.
“Get my father now,” he yells to someone behind him and then my world goes dark.
❖
I am underwater or dreaming. The voices bounce around the room, each fading into the other. Some are yelling while others are soft, almost soothing, and just like that, the world comes back to me. As if my brain has exploded with memories. James, my mother, us growing up, the phone call.
“That little shit has to ruin everything. He just had to die tonight of all nights.” My father’s voice is beginning to come into focus.
“Chris, her brother and your son just died—do you think you could have some sympathy?” For the first time Liz actually sounds like she’s scolding her husband.
“Stay out of this!” he snaps back.
I slowly open my eyes and let the scene in front of me unfold. We’re in my father’s study. Chris is pacing behind his desk, Nick and Holly sit on the sofa opposite Liz, and I’m in the far corner lying on a hard, stiff sofa.
They’re all holding drinks in their hands.
“Goddamn him!” my father yells as he throws the glass and its contents against the far wall with the large wood-burning fireplace and the equally large family portrait of Liz, Nick, Chris, and Holly. It breaks with a crash, its amber contents sliding down the wall. Everyone in the room flinches but me. I don’t have it in me to flinch. I don’t have it in me to care enough. But I need to say something.
“Do you not care that your son is dead?” I know my voice lacks all feeling. It sounds numb to my own ears.
Everyone’s eyes move to me. They must have just realized that I’ve woken and am sitting up. They’d been too preoccupied with their own thoughts.
Liz quickly walks over and sits next to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Of course he does, dear. I am so very sorry. We all are.” She squeezes my shoulder. I guess it’s her way of trying to comfort me. At least she’s trying. Nick and Holly continue to stare at me like I’m an alien that’s landed at their front door. For once Nick is at a loss for words. I continue to stare at my father, waiting for his answer.
He slams his hands on his desk. “Why would I care? I had nothing to do with the boy. He was a bad seed from day one. All he ever did was embarrass me time and time again. He was a money pit!”
“Chris!” Liz stands up and opens her mouth to continue, but I lift my hand to silence her. I want to hear what he has to say. I need to. Like I’m on the last page in a chapter, I need to find out what happens next. How it will end.
My father doesn’t even realize that Liz has spoken—he’s too lost in the haze of his anger. “The only thing people will be talking about tomorrow is his death. Not the merger I’ve been working on for over a year, not the party—nothing but James.”
And just like that, this chapter in my life ends. I stand up and continue to stare at him. We stare at each other for what feels like hours but is only seconds. Then I turn away from him and walk out of the study. I move quickly down the hallway towards the stairs leading to my room.
I hear him yelling down the hall, “Where do you think you’re going? You don’t turn your back on me!”
Someone must have stopped him from coming after me, probably Liz.
Once I’m in my room, I quickly throw my things in my bag and call the only person I have left. I call Paul. A few minutes later he texts me that he’s out front and I run out of the house like the hounds of hell are after me. I never want to set foot in this place again.
The lights are off and I pay attention to where I step as I move down the stairs. The last thing I need is a broken ankle. I feel some guilt for leaving Holly and Nick behind, but I need to get out of here.
As quietly as I can, I pull open the large metal front door that leads to my freedom and the fresh air hits my face with a rush. Paul’s car is only a few feet away, and then I’ll never have to see this place again.
Paul doesn’t waste time getting out and opening the door for me. We don’t have much time. I climb in the front seat, and we’re off.
We sit in silence for a time before he says, “I’m sorry, Danny.” It’s the first time he’s ever called me Danny, not Danielle.
“Me too,” I say just as softly. “Please take me to the bus stop.”
“Where will you go?” he asks, not bothering to argue
with my plan.
“I don’t know but not here. There’s nothing left for me here.”
We sit in silence once more.
First, Paul takes me to my place to pack some much-needed items. My apartment is small, but it’s still mine. It’s only two miles from where I grew up, but two miles is still two miles. The day I got the key I was filled with pride. It had taken me two years to save for it. While it was only one bedroom and small, it was still mine.
Thankfully the bus station is only twenty minutes away from home, though with Paul speeding, we make it there in fifteen.
“You sure you want to do this? You can come live with Heather and me.”
I unhook the seat belt. “Thanks, Paul, but it’s time for me to go.” I open the door and jump out. He gets out as well to help with the bag. We look at each other a moment longer, and he reaches down to give me a hug goodbye.
We break the hug. “Maybe I’ll see you in a year?”
He says, smiling, “Or a year and a day. Bye, kid. Take care of yourself.”
I nod and turn away, heading to the ticket stand. I am completely alone, and the numbness falls over me like a jacket one would wear to keep the cold away.
❖
“Danny.” Turning my head, I see Lex appear by my side. The other pairs of eyes continue to stare at me. “Danny. He’s going to be okay. He has a sprained arm and a concussion, but he’s going to be okay.”
My knees give out and I slide to the cold floor. Ben and Megan hurry over and sit next to me until I can stand. Leaning into Ben, I close my eyes. He’s going to be okay. That’s all that matters for the moment.
“Danny, do you want to see him? They said we can go in,” Ben says, taking a step forward, concern on his face and in his voice. My body shakes, and I step away. I know my eyes are wide and moving from one spot to the next in the hallway, but I can’t help it.
Ben steps closer again, if possible looking more worried. Why couldn’t I have just told Liam how I felt in the car? He wouldn’t have left when he did, and the accident would never have happened.
“Danny, this isn’t your fault. You need to calm down and not do anything rash,” Ben says, reading my thoughts.
I need to leave. Leaving sounds incredibly good. They don’t need me here and would be better off without me. I can’t let Ben know though—he would stop me. Calm—I need to be calm.
“Yeah. Of course. I know that. I just…” Just what. “I need to go get some air. I’ll be back.”
He doesn’t look convinced, and I know if I stay here much longer, I won’t be able to leave.
“I’ll be back.”
Turning around, I walk down the long white hallway and out the automatic doors into the fresh air. For once, someone’s helping me out—as I exit I run into Nicole.
“You’re kidding, right?” she hisses in my face. For once, I’m happy to see her. “You are just everywhere.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Good news—not for much longer.”
Nicole smiles in such a way that the Joker would be concerned.
“I need a ride back to the ranch. Can you give me one? Ben and Megan are with Liam, and I don’t want to take them away.”
“I’ll do you one better: I’ll take you to the bus stop.”
I just bet she would. That would get me out the picture!
Picturing Liam with her again turns my stomach, but in the long run, it would be best.
Nicole hasn’t parked far from the entrance, and she’s able to keep her thoughts to herself on the ride. I’m doing the right thing.
“I’ll only need a minute.”
Nicole nods and continues to look straight ahead. I guess it would take too much energy for her to speak or look in my direction. The need to rush is overwhelming, as if each second I’m here, I might decide to stay.
Entering the house, I expect to see Jimmy running around or hear Sarah in the kitchen, but there’s nothing. I should be happy about that—fewer people to get in my way—but sadness fills me, weighing me down with each step.
I rush up the stairs and into my room. Grabbing the duffel from the foot of the bed, I start stuffing what little I have inside. Everything fits like always. Nothing new to add—I can’t take the dress Megan gave me.
They’d be better off without me, I think. I don’t need them. I’m good on my own. Better.
Exiting the room backward, I take one last look at the small room that had begun to feel like home and close the door. The bag feels heavier on my back than it used to. Time to go.
“Not going to say goodbye?” Bill’s voice catches me by surprise as I move down the stairs. He’s standing at the bottom of the stairs. “I was in the kitchen fixing the sink when I heard you enter.”
Taking another step, I say, “It’s time for me to go. I’ve never been the best at goodbyes and thought it would be easier this way.”
Bill simply nods.
I take another step slowly, waiting for him to try and stop me. When he doesn’t say anything else, I get closer to the door.
My hand is resting on the handle when he finally speaks. “Easier for you maybe. You’re saying goodbye without realizing it but not giving the others the same closure. You’re not going to be able to run forever, whatever you might want. When you decide to come back, you know where to find us. Your room will still be here, and based on the way I’ve seen Liam look at you, he’ll be here waiting too.”
Responses run through my mind, but none convey what I really want to say. I want to thank him for everything and tell him how badly I want to stay. I want to change my mind and ask him not to mention this to anyone. I want to tell him how scared I am to stay. But none of these words will leave my mouth; instead, they just run through my mind, haunting me with my cowardliness. Instead, I twist the door handle and step outside towards Nicole’s car. She says nothing as I slide inside and place my bag in my lap.
Nicole puts the car in drive and pulls away, but there’s one person I need to see before I leave.
“Wait,” I command, and she looks at me like I've lost my mind, but she hits the brake. “I need one minute.” I open the door once more, leave my bag in my seat, and rush to the barn.
Flame is just where I knew he would be—the last stall. He raises his head, and I can see the judgment in his eyes. Or maybe it’s just my own reflection I’m seeing.
“Hey, my friend. I don’t have much time, but I needed to see you before I left.”
Flame takes a step forward, and I place my hand on his nose.
“I don’t know when I’m going to be back.” I can’t make myself tell him that I won’t be. “But I wanted you to know that you’re going to be good here. Ben and his family are going to take good care of you, but you can’t go back to being moody and crabby. They’ve already caught on. You have a good gig here.”
Leaning forward, I rest against him. “I’m sorry for leaving like this, but it’s for the best.”
Moving away, I turn, not wanting to look at him. Not able to. If I was going to leave, now was the time. I needed to go—start over again. It’s not that hard.
Standing straighter, I walk out of the barn, not daring to turn around, knowing Flame would be watching.
“Now are you ready?” Nicole asks as I re-enter her car. I nod, and she starts it up again. The ride is near silent, with only the sound of low music playing. The bus will take me to the train station, and then I can go anywhere. My lips turn up into a small smile as I hear Noel’s voice asking me where I’m going. Pulling my phone out, I start looking at options. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to have some sort of plan.
“We’re here,” Nicole says, stating the obvious. She’d probably throw me out of the moving car if she could. I would thank her, but she wouldn’t care if I did anyway. Instead, I just nod and exit the vehicle. My feet hardly hit the ground before she peels away.
My phone vibrates, and Ben’s name flashes on the screen. Hitting decline sends it to voicemail. But with each step into the st
ation faces flash through my mind: Ben, Jimmy, Sarah, Bill, Megan, and, lastly, Liam. Give it a few weeks, and it’ll be like they never met me. They’ll go back to living their lives. I can’t say what will happen to me. As much as I want to hide from the truth, I can’t. At least not entirely. They all affected me—changed me or maybe reminded me who I was. Either way, I don’t think I can entirely remove them from my life. It was going to hurt, adding them to the list of ghosts that haunt me.
An older Hispanic woman pulls open the screen and asks, “Where are you going?”
That’s the million-dollar question. Where was I going?
“Florida.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Danny
Nine months later
“I told you I loved you, and you ran, Danny,” Liam yells in my face. His features twists in anger and pain. His fingers pinch my forearms.
“I left for you. It was better for you,” I try to explain, rushing the words.
“Liar. You left for you, Danny, and only for you. You’re selfish. You can lie to everyone else, but you can’t lie to me, and you can’t lie to yourself.” Each word that he speaks causes his form to change before my eyes. What was Liam is now my doppelganger. The second Danny in front of me continues to shoot daggers and digs her nails in painfully. “You can’t lie to me,” she hisses, stepping forward, causing me to step back.
“I did it for them,” I try again, hoping that she’ll release me. But my words have the opposite outcome—she digs in deeper, causing blood to run down my arms.
“Stop lying,” she yells in my face.
Behind her, others form. My father, James, Nicole, and Liam now all stand behind the doppelganger. My father takes a step forward. “What did you expect? She’s just as useless today as she was when she was born. Waste of space. Could never do anything right.” He laughs mockingly. James says nothing but looks sad and disappointed.
Nicole wraps her arms around Liam’s neck, and he holds her. “I wouldn’t go that far. Because she left, I get Liam. I would say she helped me out just fine. Thanks, Danny.” Nicole grins before leaning into Liam and kissing him. Their lips move together in perfection. Liam side-eyes me as they kiss, taunting me. My father continues to mock while James stays silent. My doppelganger moves her nails away and steps back.