by Sabrina Kade
The bed is not empty.
It is not full either.
My heart hiccups when I realize only Iriel sleeps in his bed. Phoebe is not there. Judging by the lack of her scent, she hasn’t been here for a while. Did she leave him while he slept? And if so, where is she now?
She could have gone to the bathroom. Females have needs, and perhaps, if I only wait a little while longer, Phoebe will return and crawl into bed with him. The thought leaves me bothered, and as much as I know I should stick around to find out, I’m afraid that if I do, I will see something that will cause both my hearts to break for the last time.
Iriel stirs, almost as a warning that I have stood in front of his lair for too long, and I settle the curtain back to its usual place. Still no sign on Phoebe. I glance over my shoulder, this way and that, and there is no sound. I see nothing. I want to check the Gathering Room, but I don’t want others to think I am following her around again. She has Chosen Iriel. I must remember that. I have moved to the second lair to allow myself time to recover.
Coming here was a mistake.
There is nothing for me here.
Shoulders drooping, I shuffle away from Iriel’s lair and back toward the central lair opening. Glykoran and the dark-haired female are there, chatting quietly, but I feel no desire to join their conversation. I stumble past the two of them, and while Glykoran asks what I am doing, I cannot respond. My throat is dry, my lips parched, and my hearts broken.
She has not Chosen you, Drazal. Move on from this. Move on from her.
I head toward the south, not entirely sure what my mind or body has in mind.
It only wants to escape.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Phoebe
The curtain is slightly out of place when I return to Iriel’s room. My first thought is he figured out that I snuck out of his room and is now searching for me, but to my relief when I look inside, he’s sprawled out on his stomach and snore hissing softly. I relax, but only slightly, wondering who (or what) would have moved the privacy curtain. It is considered a grave offense to invade the privacy of others, and whoever moved the curtain, certainly seemed like they didn’t want to be known.
Like an idiot, I sniff the air, hoping for a brief moment I’m something like a Sidyth and can taste whatever’s been lurking, but of course, I can’t detect anything.
Iriel stirs in his sleep when I come back in, and I hustle over to his bed and sit on the edge like I just woke up. A soft moan comes from his lips, and he rolls to his side, eyes widening when he finds me not lying beside him.
“How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.” I shake my head, trying to remember Layla and Sloane’s words from earlier. When I told them about my conversation with the State Girls, they ripped me a new asshole. It was rough and brutal, but I see their point. Do I want to be like Alaska, Dakota, or Arizona? Maybe I used to, but lately, I want to look like Layla and Sloane. Layla and Sloane, who smile and radiate happiness. I see their stomachs swelling with pregnancy and the way they look at their mates.
More importantly? I see the way their mates look at them.
It’s like I never noticed before. I always thought about Layla and Sloane’s smiles, but I never noticed how much Dolan and Exer worship the two of them. Exer barely smiles when Sloane isn’t around. And Dolan is all but insufferable unless Layla’s putting him in his place.
Iriel and I don’t have that connection. And despite how afraid I am of burning bridges by trying to create space between us (again), it’s the right thing to do.
Drazal is right. I deserve happiness.
Iriel reaches forward and cups my face in his hand, searching my eyes. He wants to kiss me, and when the bed groans under his weight, I shift back to keep his lips off mine. Kissing him bothers me more than ever. I’ve kissed Iriel for months, able to shut myself off. And though we’ve never had sex, mentally I’ve always prepared myself. There was no way Iriel was going to take me as a Chosen mate unless I spread for him. I was always prepared for it, but now, I don’t think I can do it.
“Are you tired, Fee-Bee?” Iriel keeps leaning forward, reaching to wrap his hand around the back of my head, but I squirm away, practically falling off the bed. I manage to steady myself, but Iriel’s expression shifts from concerned to irritated in the blink of an eye. “Are you ill?”
“No.”
His eyes narrow further, as though he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say now. It would have been easier for him to deal with me if my behavior had something to do with being tired or sick, but I’ve made it pretty clear that it’s neither of those things. I slide off the edge of the bed and cross to the far side of the room, feeling Iriel’s intense gaze on my retreating back. He’s quiet, and unlike the silence with Drazal, this feels intense and impossibly uncomfortable.
I can do this.
Keeping my back to him, I lift a hand to curl my fingers around loose dirt in the wall. Most of this place is densely packed considering we’re underground, but it goes to show that anything can crumble if picked at enough. There’s rustling behind me, and I stiffen when the bed groans, and I see Iriel stand out of the corner of my eye.
I deserve happiness.
I chant these words over and over as Iriel approaches, hoping I’m able to get the words out I want to say. For months I’ve been with Iriel, pretending he’s the one who makes me happy. I’ve kissed him when I didn’t want to. I ran my fingers over his skin when I didn’t want to. I snuggled with him under the blankets when the only thing I wanted was to be with someone who made me feel alive. I thought safety was the only thing that mattered. Iriel isn’t exciting, adventurous, or social, but he showed interest in me, and that was enough for me to run into his arms.
But I can’t do this anymore.
Iriel rests heavy hands on my shoulders and circles me back to him. There was a time where I would have started crying when Iriel looked down at me with such intensity, but I manage to square my shoulders. No matter what happens, I’m going to get through this. This isn’t going to kill me. This isn’t a life and death matter. At least, I hope it’s not. And though I’m terrified of how Iriel’s going to handle my words, they need to be said anyway.
I want more than safety. I want more than a body beside me in bed to keep me from crying myself to sleep at night. I want my face to look like Layla’s or Sloane’s. I want to smile and laugh and act like this is a damn vacation and not another assignment where I’m expected to spread my legs for aliens. I want to believe there’s something special here. I want to think there’s someone special here.
“You have much going on inside your head, Fee-Bee,” Iriel says, bopping me softly on the nose. He’s trying to smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and realizing this, it drops to a more familiar frown. “Will you speak to me?”
I purse my lips. Iriel has to know. I’ve fought to get away from him for weeks, but I always came back. He has no reason to think it won’t be the same this time. But he has to know.
Suck it up, buttercup, my mother used to say. “Iriel, I—”
“Ahh,” he interrupts, smiling and leaning closer. “I know what you need.”
My eyes widen as he kisses my neck. I’m so startled that I’m not able to stop him, and he wraps large hands around my waist and pulls my chest to his. I’m fighting on the inside, but it’s not the time for that. I have to fight on the outside to get away.
I don’t want this. I’m not happy doing this. Not with him.
“Iriel, stop.” I press my palms against his bare chest, and he’s rock hard and chilly. “Iriel, no.”
“You are tired, Fee-Bee. Come back to bed. Rest.”
“I don’t need to rest.” I push him away, but he’s so strong he barely moves. “Iriel, stop. I said no.”
“Your scent says yes.”
“That’s not true! NO!” I shove him back with all the strength I can muster, and though it’s hardly anything, it’s enough to make Iriel react. I’m sure h
e’s only worried about his brothers hearing, but that’s good enough. I take in several deep breaths. “I said no. I don’t want to kiss you. I don’t want to rest. You know my scent doesn’t say anything other than that.” His shoulders bunch, but he doesn’t argue. Good. “I want happiness.”
Iriel’s golden eyes widen, and he looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. Maybe he’s not entirely in the wrong; my statement came out of nowhere. But I needed to blurt it out. I need to hear myself say it out loud.
“I deserve happiness.”
“Of course you do,” Iriel says, trying to get close again. “Here—”
“N-no. Don’t touch me, Iriel. Please. That isn’t what this is about.”
His arms fall to his sides, and he takes a step back before pushing some stray hairs away from his face. “What is this about, then? Do you want happiness? Okay. I will give it to you. Do you deserve happiness? I could not agree more. Tell me what you need to be happy.”
I swallow hard. “To find happiness… I don’t think I can be with you.” I lower my eyes, staring at my toes and the space between our feet. He’s further away than he’s been in days, and already, there’s a lightness in the air despite the stuffiness.
“You have teased me.”
“I haven’t, Iriel. You know that. You threatened me. You said you didn’t, but that’s what you were doing.”
“I am trying to protect you. Now is not the time to be frivolous. Flenhein will start soon.”
I frown. “I have no idea what that is, but if I did, it wouldn’t change anything. Iriel, I want to find happiness. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to have it, but if there’s a chance of finding it here, I deserve a chance to find it, don’t you?”
“You are not happy with me?”
I shake my head, still staring at the floor. “You know I’m not.”
“You think you will be happy with him, though.”
My attention shoots upward. “What?”
“I am not as foolish as you think, Fee-Bee. Your eyes drift to Drazal. You are being ridiculous. I am yours. You are mine. I will protect you when flenhein starts—”
“Stop saying that word, Iriel! I don’t know what it means.”
“How can you not know? We have spoken about it several times.” He sighs deeply. “No matter. I will explain it again. You may change your mind about leaving—”
“I’m not changing my mind.”
His stiffens, rising to his full height. “You tempted me. You tempted Drazal. This is a punishable offense, Fee-Bee. Are you sure you—”
“No more threats.” I swallow hard. “You can’t threaten me about tempting you. I was yours. I was always yours. But I’m not going to be anymore.”
“You have said things like this in the past.”
“This time I’m sticking to it.”
“We shall see.”
He looks so sure and smug that it takes a lot of restraint not to slap him across the face like something out of an old Hollywood movie my grandma used to watch. But of course, I would never do anything like that.
“Whether I find happiness with Drazal or not, I want to find out on my own.”
“You are Choosing him.”
“No.”
“You seek pleasure from him?”
“I don’t know.” A blush crosses my face. I’m no virgin, but the idea of having sex with Drazal so soon fills me with a hot mixture of excitement and nervousness. Would Drazal want to have sex with me now? Did he ever want to have sex with me in the first place? “I don’t know a lot about what I want, Iriel. However, I do know I won’t have a chance of finding it if I stay here with you. I want more, okay?” I lower my voice. “I deserve more.”
Iriel hisses under his breath, and I prepare to run away from him. Iriel’s never been violent or unreasonably aggressive (with me, anyway), but I’ve broke up with an alien. There’s not exactly a J.K. Rowling guide for how to deal with alien break-ups. Wizards, yes, but Iriel doesn’t look like any wizard I’ve ever seen.
“I’m going to go,” I say softly, peeling the curtain aside.
“I’m not giving up. You will need me, Fee-Bee. When flenhein starts, you will come for me. Know that I will welcome you. You can go, but I am not giving up on you.”
There’s that funny word again. For some reason, it’s not translating, so I have to assume it’s either not important, or super fucking important.
I don’t want to give Iriel the satisfaction of me turning around to ask him.
“I’m going now,” I say again.
This time, he doesn’t say a word.
That’s when I break out into a sprint.
To have a chance at happiness. To find out if I can have it here. On my own.
Because I deserve it.
***
Drazal is sprawled out in the grass, staring at the searing suns overhead, arms crossed behind his head. I don’t think he sees me, and if he can, he doesn’t bother sitting up. The grass blades are long, blowing in the hot breeze, and though other Sidyths and humans are ambling around and laying out, the only person I focus on is Drazal.
My heart pounds harder, thumping against my chest as more and more of him comes into sight. He’s naked. Why shouldn’t he be? He’s alone, and no one’s going to approach him. I lick my lips, noticing his tiny shorts cast aside and he shifts slightly, crossing one large leg over the knee of another. He’s so enormous and sexy I can barely stand it. I can hardly picture guys from high school having the confidence to lay out naked on a soccer field, and the ones who would, probably had self-esteem issues. Or, they were overconfident asses.
Drazal doesn’t look like any of those images.
He looks downright casual, even with his cock laying across his thigh.
Damn. It’s huge. Women may push out ten-pound babies through their vaginas, but I still can’t help wondering, will it fit inside me? I’m not sure I’m ready to find out now, but I am prepared to at least talk to him.
I take a few steps closer, hoping he’ll hear me and sit up, but he only continues staring up at the sky. My eyes keep dropping to his dick, and this isn’t exactly a great way to act to prove I’m not looking to nail Drazal, but I can’t help it. I’m nervous around him. Excited. Aroused. Incredibly aroused.
Suddenly, his long tongue darts out from between his lips, and he sits up on his elbows and looks to his side.
“Phoebe,” he says in his surprisingly low, baritone voice.
I crouch down in the grass, a few feet away from him. If I get any closer, I’m not sure what I’ll do. Drazal doesn’t move to retrieve his shorts, but his cock bobs against his stomach as though the mere sight of me sends it to half-mast. I have to say, it’s pretty damn flattering. Iriel’s dick would get hard, sure, but it was never like an insatiable need for either of us. He said he wanted me, but Iriel never acted like the need was so great he wouldn’t function unless he had me.
Iriel wants a mate. I believe that with my heart and soul. I’m not sure if he wants me.
With Drazal, I have no doubts about what he wants.
After a few moments of surprisingly comfortable silence, I realize I haven’t said anything to Drazal to explain what I’m doing here.
I’m here with him. Alone in the fields, while he’s as naked as the day he was born (or hatched? I’m not sure and now isn’t exactly the time to think about it).
“Hey.” I wave like an idiot. Drazal’s head cocks to the side, but he doesn’t make fun of me for acting as I’ve never spoken to a guy before. I’m awkward as hell and not the least bit sexy.
“I wondered when you were going to say something.”
My eyes widen. “You knew I was here?”
“I detected your scent the moment you left the main lair entrance.” He smiles, and it’s a smile that reminds me so much of the boys back home, that my heart flutters. “Where is Iriel?”
I blush. “He’s… back at his room. Probably sleeping.”
“If you are her
e, I highly doubt that.”
“He has no reason to follow me. Not anymore.”
“What do you mean by this?”
“We broke up.”
He sits up straighter. “You… are no longer mates?”
I shake my head. “N-no. I told him what you said to me. About finding happiness. About how I deserve it.”
“You do.”
His answer is so soft and simple that I sniff hard, so I don’t start blubbering like an idiot. I inch closer to Drazal in the grass, trying not to focus so much on his cock. It was half-mast only moments ago, but now it’s all pink and throbby looking. A large vein pumps ferociously, and Drazal almost looks uncomfortable. “Is this okay?”
“Of course it is,” he says. “Why ask me this?”
I lower my eyes, trying not to blush. “Because of… that?”
His eyes drop and flicker back up to mine. “Do not worry about that. Shall I cover up? Will that make you more comfortable?”
“I’m comfortable!”
Drazal shifts, appearing a little surprised by my outburst, but doesn’t reach for his shorts.
“Sorry for shouting,” I amend.
“It is fine, Phoebe.” He lifts himself too, inching closer until our knees practically touch. “Is this okay?”
I nod, feeling embarrassed and excited at the same time. I rise on my knees, so I don’t feel so small next to him, and rest my hands on his shoulders, waiting to see how he’ll react. He has a surprisingly few number of scales there, so the skin is cool and soft to the touch. I reach further, curling my fingers around his neck, putting our faces much closer together. But we don’t kiss. I remember how freaked out Iriel was about kisses, and I push the thought away. This alien isn’t Iriel. This alien isn’t obsessed with having a mate. This alien wants me.
“What are you doing, Phoebe?” Drazal asks. “You have only just refused Iriel, yes?”
I nod, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Yeah. It was only a little while ago. But I’ve been thinking about you for much longer than that. Even in his arms, I imagined you. Even when he pressed his lips against mine, I pictured yours.”