by Sabrina Kade
“What she’s trying to say is pick an alien and stick with him,” Kansas interrupts, narrowing her eyes at Alaska. “Jesus. Dramatic much? You’ll never change.”
Alaska shrugs, pushing sandy-blond hair over her shoulder like she’s in a shampoo commercial. “I thought it would be more fun to make it more dramatic. You don’t like it? Sue me.”
The three of them stand without saying much else, and I watch them go, mind busy.
Feelings are dangerous. Choose one and stick with him. Play it safe.
Their words aren’t wrong. They probably do know better than most of the others here. Sloane is pretty young, and though Layla is a little older (I think), she hasn’t been doing this for a long time. I have to remember there’s cruelty beyond this bubble of safety. Beyond this assignment. Beyond this planet. And though I know how Drazal feels about me, I’m with Iriel. When I was scared, he protected me, and I let him.
I picked Iriel first. It wouldn’t be fair to leave him now. And I’d be the one punished if I left him.
Besides, he’s desperate for a mate – any mate. I can be that for him. I can grin and bear it.
There’s nothing else to be said. Iriel is the safe pick. Everything else is a big old question mark.
God. When did I become this person?
CHAPTER SEVEN
Drazal
Walking past the Gathering Room, I nearly stumble and fall on my face when I notice a familiar mane of pale hair. Phoebe. She appears to be alone. But why? Why is she not with Iriel? I look toward Hujun and his short mate, but they merely shrug, saying nothing.
Awkwardly, I clear my throat. “How long has Phoebe been here? Is everything okay?”
Hujun doesn’t answer, but his mate is kind enough to respond. “She’s been there for about an hour. Some of the State Bitches were bothering her about something, but Kansas finally convinced them to go away. I don’t know what they said, but she’s looked spooked ever since.”
“Those females are trouble,” Hujun mutters, shaking his head.
I bite down on my lower lip. It wouldn’t be wrong for me to go in there. It wouldn’t be wrong to make sure that one of the human females is all right. My hearts call to her, but as I take a step forward, Hujun blocks my path.
“That one belongs to Iriel,” he rumbles in reminder.
“I am aware.”
His look softens. “Until she says otherwise, this is all I am aware of, Drazal. Please do not do anything foolish. Iriel has a claim on that one. There is little I can do to protect you if you upset him again.”
“This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” his mate growls, looking surprisingly fierce despite her short frame and round belly. “If he wants to talk to her, he can.”
“I am not stopping him,” Hujun says.
“No, but you’re saying not to hit on her. He can hit on her if he wants!”
“I’m not going to hit her,” I say Hujun. “I merely want to speak with her.”
Hujun’s fiery mate huffs. “So do it. It’s not like there aren’t witnesses. It’s not like anyone thinks you’ll do anything to her. You’re a better match for her than Iriel, anyway.”
“Ellis,” Hujun hisses, stooping to rest a hand between her shoulder blades. “It is not our place.”
She snarls, but says nothing else, leaving me perplexed. Does this one also think I am a better match for Phoebe? Does she not believe Phoebe should be with Iriel?
I smile like a sprog with a fresh piece of banbask before stumbling into the lair, trying desperately (and failing) to keep my excitement on my face and not in my pants. But how can I not be thrilled? Three! Three human females believe I would be a more suitable match for Phoebe. They think she should be with me! It does not matter to them that she is with Iriel! They know what I know, and that is that Phoebe is not happy with Iriel.
I grow more and more excited when I get a full view of Phoebe laying out upon a flat rock, staring at the ceiling. She has not heard my approach. I take a quiet seat on the rock closest to hers, and finally, reach out to brush my fingers against hers.
She screams and sits up, and I shuffle back a few hands.
Hujun’s frowning but not moving. His mate – Ellis – appears to be holding him back somehow. Perhaps she is very strong. This must be why Hujun enjoys her company.
I turn to Phoebe. “Sorry if I frightened you.”
She’s breathing hard, tiny breasts heaving and falling with each intake. It’s difficult to look away when her chest is glossy with sweat, and she smells of musk, surprise, and yet somehow, arousal. I lean in closer.
“It’s all right,” she says breathily, smiling at me in a way that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “You, uh, you shouldn’t be here. Did you need me for something? More ice for your eye?”
I tilt my head to the side, somewhat confused by her words. “Um, no?”
“You should get Chentan to look at you,” Phoebe says awkwardly.
“I will try. But that is not why I’m here. I saw you sitting and wanted to make sure you were all right. Are you?”
“I’m fine.” She's more curt than usual, and I’m confused by her behavior. Was I wrong in thinking that I scented her arousal? She shakes her head. “Sorry, I’m acting like a bitch.”
“Would you like me to leave?” I start to stand, but her hand clasps mine.
“No, wait. I need to tell you something.”
My hearts flutter. What is this? Something to tell me? Immediately, I sit down, excited to hear what Phoebe wants to talk about, but her expression leaves me more nervous. Something is wrong. I try reaching for her. “Did Iriel—”
She yanks her leg away. “Okay, enough. This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m with Iriel. So if he did do something, it’s none of your business, is it?”
I flinch, trying not to scowl. What is this? “I suppose it isn’t. I want to be sure you’re okay, though.”
“I am okay. I’m with Iriel. That’s that. Iriel isn’t perfect, but he wants a mate. He’s desperate for one. And I’m not looking for love or anything like that. I want to be safe, and Iriel’s promised to keep me safe. I was having second thoughts—”
I pounce on this. “About what?”
She continues as though I haven’t spoken. “But Iriel isn’t bad. He’ll protect me. He’ll keep me safe, and he won’t ever get bored with me because of how badly he wants a mate.” The words don’t sound right coming from her lips, and her eyes have that same glassy look. I glance over my shoulder to make sure Hujun doesn’t think I am the cause, but Ellis still has him locked against her. She must be quite strong for one so small.
“These words are lies, Phoebe,” I insist.
“They’re not.”
“They are. You are lying to me, but more importantly, you are lying to yourself. You are not happy with Iriel. You wouldn’t be alone in the Gathering Room if you were pleased with him. You would never want to leave his lair.”
“He let me go.”
“He feels something is wrong too, I’m sure.”
She stands. “You think I’m here because I’m not happy with him? Fine. I’ll go back to his room, then.” She sighs, shaking her head. “And another thing. Please don’t talk to me anymore, Drazal. It’s too hard.” She sniffs as though trying to keep the tears from falling. Why does she act this way? What have I done so wrong that she runs back into Iriel’s lair?
I grab her arm before she can leave. This time I fear, if she goes, it will be forever.
“You are scared, Phoebe. I understand that, but you’ve got to fight it. You’ve got to fight for happiness. You deserve it.”
“Leave me alone,” she hisses, trying to pull away.
“You are scared, but you are not a coward, Phoebe. You can fight. You can tell him no.”
“What then? Tell you, yes?”
“No.”
She stops struggling, and her eyes widen. “No? Are you saying you don’t want me?”
“You
know that is not what I’m saying. I’m saying you need to choose your own happiness. If it is with me, I will welcome it. If it is with Iriel, I will hurt, but I will come to accept it. Most importantly, you need to be happy with your choices. And these choices are not making you happy. I am not the only one who sees this. You are trapped with him, Phoebe. The longer you stay with him, the unhappier you will become. Do not choose misery. Choose happiness.”
Choose me. The words are right there, but I cannot force them upon Phoebe. I want her, yes, but more than that, I want her to be happy.
“You deserve happiness, Phoebe,” I say, finally releasing her before Hujun enters the Gathering Room. “I want you to remember that. You deserve to be happy.”
Her pink lower lip trembles, and she stumbles toward Hujun and Ellis, not saying a word to me. I feel she is processing my words, and for a moment, I think she is going to run into my arms, Choose me, and kiss me from suns rise to suns set. I stand there, staring. Waiting. Wanting. A single tear falls down her cheek, and she angrily swipes it away.
And then, she spins and is gone.
She has Chosen.
She has not Chosen me.
She has chosen happiness, and she does not believe she can find that with me.
I should be happy, but instead, I roar before sprinting toward the cave opening. Even Hujun cannot stop me.
It’s better this way. It’s better this way. It’s better this way.
I am lying to myself.
Nothing has ever hurt more.
***
Several days pass without any sign of Phoebe. She rejected me, but I am surprised by how much it still hurts. After all, I barely touched her. There was only ever a whisper of the possibility of making her mine. There is nothing I should miss. And yet, I ache to see her again.
I chased her back into Iriel’s arms. Again.
I did it once when she saw the dilewilers, and I did the exact thing again.
No more chances to make things right.
I stare out into the fields, wondering if I’m making the right choice by staying at Prince Korben’s lair. I am temporarily staying at the second lair, but maybe that’s not far enough to escape. I picture Phoebe, and the first time I will be forced to see her back in Iriel’s arms. I do not know how I will react.
“How is the eye today?” Chentan asks, taking a seat beside me in the grass.
I reach up and touch the wrap covering one eye. It was as Phoebe worried. A minor infection and Chentan does not want my eye exposed to direct sunlight for several more passings. I do not need it in the lairs, not that I spend any time in there. I am always outside now. I am hoping for a glimpse of Phoebe. Dreading the moment I will glimpse Phoebe with Iriel.
“It is all right. Thank you for your care.” I press an open palm to my chest as a sign of gratitude.
“Think nothing of it, brother,” he says, clapping me on the back. “Honestly, it is a joy to do something familiar. With all these females birthing sprogs, tending to an infected eye is my pleasure.” He sighs, inhaling deeply. “Quite a day, yes? Overcast but warm. I will stay awhile.”
I hiss, not sure if there’s any way now to get him to leave. Chentan would probably not leave me alone if I asked him to, so I don’t bother. Besides, his company is more enjoyable than most of my brothers in the second lair. Cade and Drozass were part of the reason my eye became infected in the first place, so despite knowing I deserved punishment, I’m not exactly in the mood to be friendly with them as they prattle on about the females they are pleasuring regularly. Wixlass is too young to talk to about anything. I sigh outwardly and stare at the first lair opening, expecting to see Phoebe at any moment, arm-in-arm with Iriel.
To move on, I must see this, no matter how much it will pain me.
“It’s really over,” I say to myself.
Chentan doesn’t respond, and I don’t expect him to. He knows what I’m talking about, and he’s polite enough not to remind me to stay away from her. I don’t want to hear it, and that’s most of what Cade and Drozass told me when I first arrived to reside at the second lair. That, and how I should stay away from their claimed females. Because that’s my reputation now — a simple male who will try to steal any female away.
It is annoying. My brothers are annoying. I am annoyed. So I continue to wait to see Phoebe so I can move on. It has been days, and my body still calls for her. I cannot stroke myself off enough to calm the need in my hearts and my cock. I spend much time talking to myself, reminding myself that she has not Chosen me.
Phoebe has Chosen Iriel to be her mate. There is nothing I can do about it.
During the first day at the second lair, I had high hopes that this was another one of her human female problems. A bluff, I believe is what they call them. She has chosen Iriel before. Not officially, but she is with him. I expected her to come to the second lair, at least to make sure I was all right. She did not come. Another day passed and no word from or about Phoebe. I did not hear anything about Iriel either, which increased my worries. Was she in his bed? Did they Choose each other officially? Is Phoebe already pregnant with Iriel’s sprog?
I’m angered by the thought.
More days passed. No word of Phoebe reached the second lair.
“She has not come outside yet?” Chentan asks.
I frown, shaking my head. Another day is about to pass, and there is still no sign of Phoebe or Iriel. They probably give each other pleasure from suns rise to suns set. She probably does not think of me as anything more than the male who would not take no for an answer. I told her to choose happiness, and she did, but I thought that happiness would be in my arms.
I never considered that she would Choose Iriel as her mate.
“She will come,” Chentan says.
I try to hide my surprise. How can he know what she will do? She has Chosen. She has a mate. She is probably already pregnant. She is not coming. Chentan is a fool who wishes me to stop being depressed.
“Humans need sunlight,” he says, still being too reasonable. Oh, so that is all he meant by her having to come outside. “You will see her, and then you will be able to move on.”
I hiss once more, but Chentan continues speaking. I fight the urge to get up and go back to my lair.
“There are other females, Drazal. You do not need to be so wrapped up with the pale-haired one. She has Chosen. There is no reason to sit here like a sad suntban and punish yourself further by witnessing her in the arms of one of our brothers. There is that cruel looking one back at the first lair. Oh! And that one there. She has no mate—”
“I have no interest in the cruel one or whoever you are pointing out. I have no desire for any mate now.”
“Now, you’re being ridiculous. You are a fine male, Drazal. You must take a mate. You have been patient. You have waited for the pale-haired one to appear, and yet she does not. She is pleasuring Iriel. It is over. You cannot reason with her. And once it is official, Iriel will probably never let you near her again. It is over. And if she will not come out here, then you should go to her. See with your own eyes that she has not Chosen you, and then move on. Please. Your mood is lowering the spirits of the younger ones.”
“I care not,” I hiss, waving him off. But he does make a good point. “You think it would be a good idea for me to go over to the first lair? To see her with Iriel?”
“If it will help you move forward, yes. There is nothing better. Go. See her. Congratulate Iriel and her on their union. Be done with it.”
Be done with it.
Like it would be so easy if the same thing happened to him. Chentan does not understand need or want. I see no female on his arm. He helps females birth sprogs, but he has none of his own. If he ever wanted a female and she rejected him as Phoebe has done to me, I do not think he would be so calm.
But it is still not a bad idea for me to see Phoebe and Iriel together.
This pain in my hearts is too much. I cannot go on unless I can see her.
I
stand suddenly, and Chentan follows.
“Are you going now?” he asks, sounding hopeful.
“I want this pain to end. I will go. I will see Phoebe with Iriel, and then I will be able to move on. If I see her happy, I will move forward.” I break out into a sprint before Chentan says anything else. Good or bad, I don’t need his words. I probably don’t need mine. What I need, is to see Phoebe happy. I need to see her happy with Iriel. I need to know she found her happiness, even if it is not with me.
I don’t bother sneaking around Iriel’s private lair. If something is going on there, I need to hear it. Whether Phoebe is laughing or if they are pleasuring one another, I must hear it. It would not be as good as seeing things for myself, but I will take the sounds as proof. I close my eyes as though somehow this will improve my hearing and… I hear nothing.
There’s nothing I want to do more than to push the curtain to sneak a look inside, but if Iriel is there, my punishment would be harsh. My one eye is already infected; I cannot risk infection of the other. Still, my fingers shake and itch to sneak a peek. It is so silent that I can barely stand it. I move around in front of the curtain as quietly as I can, hoping to catch a glimpse or hear the hint of a sound. But there is nothing.
Scowling, I realize I must do something.
Do I pat on the curtain? Do I sneak into Iriel’s lair? Do I leave and see this as a chance that Phoebe and my brother are not mates?
Swallowing hard, my hand lifts, and I scan the halls. No one is around. It is so quiet that I worry I missed one of Prince Korben’s announcements. My fingers curl around the curtain, and I wait several seconds, prepared to run if I hear any rustling. But there is still only silence. Now or never. Taking in one final quiet intake of breath, I pull the curtain aside enough to peer inside.