by CORY CYR
“You sit.” I tilted my head toward him and pulled out a chair with my foot. “You go find Nadia or go down to the pool. I’ll call you if I need you.”
“But—” Ronnie protested.
“It will be fine. Just go. Kai and I need to talk.”
Ronnie pouted as she grabbed her phone and sunglasses.
Once I heard the door close, I spun my chair toward Kai. “Why did you leave without even a note or maybe a text?”
“I was told to choose my words wisely, but I want to unload it all. The good and the bad. I won’t lie to you, Tegan. I never will. I’m afraid that when I confess everything, you’ll hate me, but I’m willing to take that chance because we can’t move forward unless I bare all,” he said as he took my hand.
“The first thing I want to say is that I love you. I know my actions don’t reflect that, but it’s why I walked away and why I’ve been binge drinking… Wait. Don’t say anything. My behavior and the drinking are not your fault. I’m responsible because I couldn’t admit the truth. I was worried about what others would think about us, if it would cause my fitness center to suffer, and a million other stupid and meaningless things. What I figured out is that I won’t be happy with my life and all of my achievements won’t mean anything unless you’re with me.
“I’m shallow, Tegan. I always have been. I’m the kind of man who measured beauty by the physical, never bothering to find out what a woman had on the inside. I never cared. But with you, I did, and it confused me. I didn’t want it and I didn’t need it, but that all changed with you. You forced me to reevaluate my ridiculous rules. I want you just as you are. All of you. I feel as though I’ve been holding my breath all my life, and now I can finally exhale.
“You will never know how much I despise myself for not being here when you needed me. I’m so sorry you had to endure our loss by yourself.”
I blinked several times, sighing loudly. “I had no idea I was pregnant, so it was a surprise. It’s okay, Kai… I mean, what would it have changed? It’s a good thing,” I murmured as I squeezed my eyes tightly to hide the tears forming. “Neither of us would be prepared for a baby. Honestly, I wasn’t that concerned when we were together the first time because I was on the pill. I never believed it could happen. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I’m sure the shock hindered my sense of loss. Doing the obstacle course most likely set it in motion.”
“Please don’t let me off the hook. I need you to be angry that I’m such a horrible man. Get mad. Hate me,” Kai demanded.
“You had my forgiveness when you said you loved me. Would you feel better if I told you I love you, too?”
He cupped the back of my neck and pulled me toward him. “I don’t want you to forgive me, even if you love me. I don’t deserve absolution.”
“You want me to condemn your actions. I do. You hurt me badly. I know I’m not your typical type. I have to live with the fact that there’s a huge age difference, I’m bigger, and I used to do porn. I have my own demons, too. Whether or not you believe it, the minute we slept together and you opened your heart to me, everything changed. How could I not love you?”
“Did I ever tell you my best friend is ten years younger than his wife, and his dad is a lot younger than his mom and they’ve been together over twenty-five years? Your porn career is when I first laid eyes on you. I’ve figured out no one I ever slept with lived up to you.”
“Kai, that was a long time ago, when I was young and could fit into skinny jeans. I’m never going to be Tawny Temp again.”
“And that’s okay because I fell in love with Tegan Scott. But I need to tell you everything. There’s more and it might be a deal breaker, but I have to confess it all or it will always weigh on me.
“While I was gone, I drank so much I blacked out. I don’t know what I did. I woke up with some woman, but she claims I was too intoxicated to have sex. Maybe that happened the entire time I can’t remember, but I can’t promise you I didn’t fuck someone else. Ronnie’s right; that is my MO.”
“I figured. I had already prepared myself for you sleeping with someone else. I assumed that’s why you left. There is nothing you can do to change those four days. It’s killing me inside and makes me ache with insecurities, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. It’s not as though I haven’t been cheated on before. Even though it’s been years, what you did brought back all the pain.” I shrugged. “I suppose if I found out later, it would be worse. I don’t know you, not really, and I want to. I want to find out if I only love you because of the sex or if that’s just an added bonus.”
Kai swept his hand through his hair. “Jesus, Tegan, I don’t deserve you. I’m not used to being submissive. It’s not part of who I am… or was. The fact that you would pardon all my infractions humbles me. I don’t have to have known you for years because your beauty and kindness radiate from you. It’s as though my soul finally met its match.”
“Who knows about us? I guess everyone, since you found out I miscarried. Isn’t there any privacy on this island? Does everyone know about what happened? And the ones that haven’t heard will put two and two together eventually. Shit will get out. Just what we need—being exposed in some rag mag. I mean, let’s face it. You’re a prominent personal trainer, and well… with my reputation, people will talk. We’ll be a huge scandal. My corporation is about to go public, and you have VIP’s notoriety to think about. And what about the other women you’ve been sleeping with?” I had begun to ramble.
Kai put up his hand. “Just stop. We’ve taken care of the gossipmonger. She’s been terminated. There’s nothing we can do to stop the rumors. There’ll be talk, but I think we can handle it. Reese and Jasper know. Jasper is actually more concerned about my lack of control when it comes to alcohol. Three years ago, right before we opened, I entered rehab. I drank a lot when I lived in Alaska. Parental issues… Trust me. You don’t want to go on a trip down that memory lane.
“Fuck people. Let them talk and speculate. If they knew you, they wouldn’t have to wonder about why I’m with you. They’d know why. Tegan, there hasn’t been another woman since our first night. At least none I can remember. I’m sure people will try to impede us as a couple. But I expect the road to be rocky. I believe anything that’s worth it will be a struggle.”
“Kai, regardless of how I feel,” I explained as I palmed his stubbled cheek, “there will always be trust issues hanging above us. Trusting any man has always been a big concern in my life. I’ve been betrayed by so many. I think I’ll always feel as though you’re only with me until something better comes along.”
He touched my nose with his. “Look around, baby. There are many younger and thinner women here, but believe me, there is no one better. I’ve never loved any woman, other than my mom, and I definitely have never told another woman I had sex with those three words. I am pledging my fidelity to you. It’s a promise I never understood until now.”
My left brow arched. “So monogamy? You’re joking. Can you do it?” A slight smirk tugged at my lips. “Dr. Stillwater put me on the birth control patch instead of pills. I have to be abstinent in order to heal and allow the patch to take effect. And since we’re being so candid, my hormones are making me crazy emotional and I’m bleeding. So sex is definitely off the table”
“I wouldn’t have touched you anyway.” Remorse pinched his expression. “Okay, let me rephrase that. I wouldn’t have fucked you. Touching, now that’s a different matter. Besides, I need to get tested. Either I was a good boy while away, or I had unprotected sex. All my condoms are accounted for, which makes me leery. I need to know. When you’re ready, we’ll use condoms until I know I’m safe.”
“Kiss me like you love me,” I implored.
Kai’s mouth pressed against mine. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, then pushed into my mouth slowly, wrapping around mine. I could sense my pulse beating faster as he deepened the kiss. His hand was on the back of my neck as I pressed my hands against his chest.
He
broke away with a pant. “God, I want to be inside you so badly. I need the physical contact. Make this reprieve real.”
“I want that, too, just not right now. It’s enough that you love me,” I admitted. I felt dizzy from his kiss and the warmth of his body. “All I need is for you to hold me.”
Kai lowered his eyes. “That I can do for however long it takes. I can be anything you need. Though, the wait will be hard,” he confessed, drawing my eyes to his shorts, his erection jutting out in rebellion.
I brushed my hand over his cock, and he gritted his teeth. “Jesus, stop. I’d rather come somewhere besides your breakfast nook.”
“I’m sorry. It’s difficult not to want you even though my mind seems conflicted,” I whispered. “I did warn you that my emotions were all over the place.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I’m a big boy. I can handle this.” Affection softened his gaze. “I missed this. I missed us. Booze only cut off my brain while I was drunk. You were the first thing I thought of when I sobered up.” He stood, pulling me up with him. “I want you to tell me all about boot camp. I hear you’re quite a celebrity now.”
“I guess. I’m sure my gold metal status on the obstacle course will be overshadowed by our coming out party,” I noted.
“It doesn’t matter. I want you to stay with me in the penthouse, and when you’re up to it, we can start your program back up.”
“I can’t move in with you. Can’t we just go back to how we were before? Ronnie would go berserk, and so would everyone else, if I stayed with you,” I protested. “Shouldn’t we proceed with caution?”
“When you really get to know me, you’ll realize I’m the type of man that throws caution to the wind. Okay, stay here, but spend the nights with me. Since we can’t be physical, we can use this opportunity to get to know each other. I require more than just being your trainer and lover. I need to be with you, Tegan. Besides, this will give Ronnie more one-on-one time with Nadia. I’ll even give her weekends off. I am the boss.”
“Just so you know, you’ll never be the boss of me. Can you leave your trainer persona in the gym? I need the man who claims to love me to just be my boyfriend after our workouts are done.”
“First of all, I’m not the man who claimed to love you. I utterly, without any doubt love you. And yes, I can be your boyfriend.” He snickered. “I haven’t been one since high school, and that was short lived. You’ll be my first real commitment and, regardless of your trust issues, my last.”
We spent another two hours talking, and then I was ready for a nap. Too much drama. Maybe Kai wasn’t worried, but I was. He had no idea how cruel people could be because he’d always been one of them. In the last ten years, I had been a recipient of that cruelty and was nervous about seeing his reactions to our relationship. Social media would crucify us. His peers would sneer, and others would joke and laugh behind our backs.
I didn’t have anything to lose except him. My corporation and shares of its stock would skyrocket regardless of the fact that I was with Kai Addison. But VIP could suffer huge consequences. One of the owners, a playboy by reputation and the club’s star trainer, being involved with one of his clients. Someone older, who used to be in the porn industry and wasn’t up to their body type standards.
This was definitely the time to put my diet into high gear. I couldn’t do squat about two of the three problems, but I could look better. I’d already lost a decent amount of weight, but another twenty pounds would make me more acceptable to the public.
What the fuck, Tegan?
If I wanted Kai and his love, I had to lose weight and look the part. Why couldn’t he adapt to who I was? Why did I have to be the one to fit his mold?
Oh, hell no. I will not allow society or a man to dictate my life according to a scale.
I closed my eyes, attempting to shut out the memory of the miscarriage. I could handle the mild cramping and the spotting, but it was a constant reminder of what I’d lost. I was being stupid. It was too late in my life, and Kai was barely prepared to have a relationship. I truly believed he would have taken care of the child and me, but I would always think it would be out of obligation, not love.
I knew what he was doing right now wasn’t out of duty, but because he loved me. He had told his business partners and had admitted everything to me. He told me things he didn’t have to, and honestly, I wished he hadn’t. Knowing he might have slept with other women while having a four-day blackout binge hurt me deeply, but Kai wanted to be transparent. He knew we couldn’t start a relationship based on lies.
* * *
“Hey.”
Something shook my arm, and I stretched, opening my eyes and leaning against the headboard.
“What time is it?” I asked Ronnie, who was sitting on the edge of the bed.
“It’s almost dinnertime,” she replied. I noticed she had papers dangling from one hand. “You forgot to sign these. With everything that happened, I didn’t want to bug you, but I need to fax them by midnight.”
I motioned for her to give me the papers as I grabbed a pen from the nightstand. “I should have done this before we went to dinner that night. My bad.” I jotted my signature and initials on six of the fifteen pages. I didn’t need to read every word because Ronnie had given me the highlights.
“I told the board you had come down with food poisoning. It’s none of their business what really happened,” she conveyed as she sat closer. “So would it be presumptuous to ask what happened with Kai? I’m dying to hear what he had to say. You know the guy is a narcissist.”
My spine stiffened at her words. “He had a lot to say. He told me why he left. Jesus, he confessed a shitload of things. Some of it I wish I didn’t hear, but Kai really needed to clear his conscience. He admitted how shallow he is. You know, some of it I’m not comfortable telling you. If he wants you to know, then he will. The story isn’t mine to share. The one thing you do need to know is he told me he loves me.”
Ronnie’s jaw dropped, and then her eyes rolled. “Please, Tegan, I’m begging you. Don’t allow him to suck you into his bullshit. I don’t trust him one bit.”
I swung my legs out of bed and used a scrunchie to ponytail my hair. “He wasn’t lying. He told me things he didn’t have to. He also declared his feelings to his business partners, which is how he found out about the miscarriage. He wouldn’t go into details, but privacy was an extremely important issue and was being discussed thoroughly. And those responsible for the leak were fired. He felt remorse for not being here. Kai wants us to be together. That’s why he laid everything out, because he knew we couldn’t move forward with dishonesty between us. We both realize we’ll be targeted because he’s hot and I’m… not.”
Ronnie stood with her hands on her hips. “Shut the fuck up. What do you mean you’re not hot? You’re sexy as hell. And ‘ego master’ must see something in you, because the one thing I’m sure of is he could get anyone.”
“I know… and he chose me. But I’m scared. Is love enough to handle what’s coming? I’m not so worried about me. I’ve been established in Flesh Market for years. My corporation is stable. Nothing could shake us. But VIP Fitness—as well-known as it is and how the owners are portrayed by the media as wealthy moguls—is relatively new. Our relationship could really cause some problems for the owners, and the publicity could rattle their company. I worry what Kai might be giving up for me.”
“I see two things. One is maybe no one will care about you two. You might be worried about something that isn’t going to happen. Two, if everything he said is true, then it’s what he wants. He comes across as a savvy businessperson. He has to know what might be coming. I guess he thinks you’re worth it. I know I do.”
“Ronnie, you weren’t with me when I walked away from my lucrative career as an adult star. Or when I divorced that tool of a man I married. But I was scandalized. The porn industry dragged me through the mud. My ex defamed me. The photographers hid in the bushes and followed me everywhere. This
was part of the reason I began designing. I could hide in my house and never go out. I’m sure it caused me to gain so much weight. I can’t put the blame all on them. I need to take responsibility for my size, but people can be callous. I need to prepare myself for the backlash because it isn’t going to be pretty.”
“You don’t think I knew everything about you before I accepted the position? I became your personal assistant because of what you went through. I knew you needed me. Come on, T. You already went through hell. You can handle anything people throw at you. Besides, it might not be as bad as you think.
“You know, maybe you should talk to your therapist if you honestly feel it’s something you can’t handle. According to the VIP brochure, they have counselors on staff here. I know you don’t feel comfortable sharing your shit with a stranger, that you’re afraid of seeing judgment in their eyes, but they might be able to give you a fresh perspective. It’s just a thought. It might be helpful. I mean, if you don’t want to call your doctor. Just know I’m here for you no matter what, but it might take me some time to trust Kai. And if he hurts you, I swear I’ll castrate the egomaniac.”
“I’ll think about talking to someone. I promise. But I’m having dinner in the penthouse and will probably be staying overnight.”
Ronnie started to speak.
“Don’t worry. We both know we can’t go there. And honestly, I have no desire for sex right now. We just need this time together. And I can’t start working out for another day or so. I want to know him beyond the physical. And we can’t hide what we are anymore. I think the cat’s out of the bag.”
“I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing. I want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wished for.”
“And Kai makes me happy. I know he believes this is a permanent thing, but I have to be realistic and treat this as if he’s going through a phase. All I know is for the first time in years, a man interests me, and most likely, this is the first time ever I’ve loved a man.”