by CORY CYR
Ronnie gripped my elbow. “But what if he grows tired of you or he turns out to be the bastard I think he is?”
I frowned. “I guess I’ll cross that bridge then, but for now, being with him makes me feel alive, and I want to hold to that as long as I can.”
We said our good-byes as I began packing a small overnight bag. I showered and changed into one of the outfits that Ronnie had bought for me downstairs. I viewed myself in the mirror, staring at the new figure emerging. My body had changed since my twenties, and I recognized that I wouldn’t look good in a size two. I caressed the soft material of my jungle-print shorts and the dark-green T-shirt, then toed on a pair of emerald-studded flip-flops and added some solid gold hoops.
I brushed my teeth, then dusted bronzer on my face, adding lip-gloss as a final touch. I wore my hair down because Kai liked it that way.
Grabbing my bag, I padded out the door and headed toward the elevator, praying that whatever happened didn’t hurt me. I talked a good game with Ronnie, but the truth was I wasn’t sure I could let go, even if that was what Kai wanted. I began to wonder if he said what he thought I wanted to hear. I leaned against the mirrors inside the elevator and attempted to come up with reasons that might make him so copacetic. Only time would tell if I was right or Ronnie was. And if he turned out to be the asshole she thought he was, then God help him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kai
I fell face forward onto my unmade bed. I couldn’t decide which had been more exhausting, my confession to my fellow partners and friends or laying it on the line with Tegan. Both had been rough. I knew once I had a chance to consider telling Jasper and Reese the truth, I would be better for it. I didn’t want them to hear it by way of gossip.
My heart ached, knowing that Tegan had a miscarriage. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I had gotten her pregnant. I should have been ecstatic how it turned out, but there was a part of me, an ever so small part, that wondered how I would have been as a father. And I had to consider the fact that loving Tegan would never give me that chance because her days of potential motherhood were numbered. I didn’t know why any of that mattered, because deep down, I feared I wasn’t built for monogamy.
I’d never cause her pain again. I’d walk away before I let that happen. Was I the kind of man that would care what others thought? Maybe not personally, but professionally, I had spent years on this dream. But Riley had been right. My dream wasn’t worth anything unless I could share it. I never thought at age twenty-six, I’d be ready for commitment. I always thought it might come later, after I’d had my fill of wild nights and women. There was no doubt I had enjoyed those nights of sharing with the boys and having multiple women at my beck and call, but I was willing to be the man Tegan deserved. And I loved her.
I sat up. I loved her so much it distressed me to think of not being with her. Her size might be an issue with others, but not with me. True, I wished she was smaller. Being thin would make it easier when the public found out. But she was losing, and I wasn’t willing to sit on the sidelines and wait around until she got down to “public opinion” size. Who was I kidding? Her weight made me uncomfortable as a trainer, not when we were alone because it was just us, but I knew I would act differently with others around. I’d be embarrassed.
Jesus, how could I commit and claim love if I felt ashamed about her? I’d admitted how superficial I was, and the truth was I couldn’t change overnight what had been a part of me for years. If I wanted Tegan in my life, I had to get past the trivial things that bothered me. These were my issues. I had to leave those idiotic rules and my hubris behind me and become the man she expected or, rather, I pretended to be. I jumped out of bed and staggered to the linen closet, quickly changing the sheets and fluffing the pillows. I chuckled to myself because domestic had never been a word to describe me.
After straightening up the bed, I strolled into the bathroom to clean up. I changed into black shorts with a white linen shirt. I was still buttoning the top when I heard the elevator open.
We met each other in the living room.
“You look beautiful,” I stated as I toyed with her hair.
“And you look very handsome,” she commented as she moved closer, fingering one of my undone buttons.
I sighed, knowing we couldn’t fuck. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d just talked with a woman. Her smooth, tanned legs made my dick hard as steel. Come on. What was I, fourteen? I squeezed her hand.
She pulled back. “Did you order dinner yet?”
I rolled my shoulders as I pulled her down with me on the sofa. “Nope. I wanted to wait and see what you were hungry for,” I said with a glint in my eyes.
She smirked. “You do know, Kai, if everything with you is going to be a sexual innuendo, me spending the night will be arduous as hell. Now, about dinner… I’ll just take a seafood salad. I really like those. Maybe some bread or crackers if that’s allowed.”
I growled. “That perfume and the way you look… Truthfully, I’m willing to give you anything you want. But the fitness trainer inside says no to bread, but a few of our low-calorie wafers are a yes.” I stared up at the ceiling, attempting to regain my composure. “Look, just ignore some of the shit I say. I’m starved for more than just food. I’ve never done needy before. It’s not part of my chemical makeup, but I feel that way when I’m with you. Would it be permissible to kiss you?” I asked, practically begging.
She leaned toward me and sucked my bottom lip into her mouth. My hand grasped the back of her neck and crushed our lips together. I couldn’t get close enough, even though in my effort to forcefully kiss her, I smashed my chest against her. My hand went immediately into her shirt and cupped a breast. My index finger and thumb rolled her nipple. I began to salivate, wanting to place my mouth on her bud.
I stopped abruptly. “I’ll call down and place our order,” I said as I stood and adjusted my shorts. “I’m sorry I’m not being very respectful about what you went through. As usual, I’m only thinking of myself,” I confessed.
After the order was in, I sat next to her, and she placed her hand on my arm. “Even with everything that happened, you’re not the only one feeling the sting of self-restraint. I’ve never met another man that does what you do to me. You consume my every thought, and I want to feel that intimacy every minute I’m away from you. So please don’t feel guilty about wanting more, because I feel the same.”
I mumbled a reply as I offered her some iced tea while we waited for our food. “After we eat, we could take a walk on the beach.”
Tegan choked on a swallow of her beverage. “I’d really like that, especially since I used it as an excuse with Ronnie three or four times.”
We both laughed as we walked out to the balcony. I stood behind her with my arm around her waist, and we stared out at the view.
Our food showed up within twenty minutes, and we decided to eat outside. Even though my stomach growled and I was hungry, I picked at my steak. My appetite was in conflict with the concerns I had of impending doom. I didn’t want to burden Tegan with my worries. She had gone through enough, and I was sure she had her own concerns.
I took a few bites and ate some veggies, then pushed away my plate.
“You’re not eating?” she asked as she put her fork down.
I shook my head. “Not really. It’s been a long day. I guess I’m just tired.”
“Look, we can skip our walk and get together tomorrow.”
Fear flooded me. “Oh, hell no. We’re taking that walk, and then we are going to cuddle in bed,” I said, trying not to frown.
Tegan scoffed as she arched a brow. “The walk sounds amazing, but are you sure we should sleep together… and cuddle?” She chuckled skeptically. “Personally, I’m fully capable of not having sex. I did it for years before I met you.”
I pinned her with a sardonic stare. “You make sex toys. You probably didn’t need a man. I’ve seen some of those designs. You worked h
ard to replace a cock. Well, not mine. It’s a classic.”
She huffed. “Believe it or not, as the designer, I had my favorite. Just one. Of course, I did sample some of the newest product line. We actually have people that do that for us, but as the CEO and head of design manufacturing, I want to know the pros and cons of each toy.”
I cut her off quickly. “Stop. Enough prattle about sex toys. All I’m doing is envisioning you using one. And that image is not going away anytime soon. Can I watch you test a few, including your favorite? I mean later, when you’re up to it. I need you to compare my dick with your toys.”
“You do understand it’s going to require a ton of comparison between what your cock can do and some of the best sexual toys ever created? Flesh Market is a multimillion-dollar company for a reason.”
“So I need to prove myself even though I’ve already demonstrated how fabulous my shaft is,” I said, ready to expose myself because the hard-on was grinding against the zipper of my shorts.
She smirked. “Oh, I know how good you are, and a nicer dick I haven’t seen, but I might need some reminding.”
“As soon as you’re ready and I’ve been certified clean, we are going to have sex. A whole lot of it. But until then, it’s me taking care of you emotionally.”
“If we sleep together, can I trust you not to take it too far?” she asked slyly.
“I love you, Tegan. Gaining your trust is on the top of my list. I need to step lightly, because being worthy and passive won’t come easy. I never cared about myself being defined by those two things, but I really want this. I want us, so I’ll do anything to fulfill my promises.” I stood and leaned over, pressing a kiss to her lips.
Balancing our plates in the crook of my arm, I walked to the kitchen, scraped the leftovers into the garbage disposal, and loaded them into the dishwasher. As I slipped on my flip-flops, Tegan appeared by my side. This would be our first public outing, although it was evening and most everyone would be congregated by the far pool, leaving the beach practically deserted at this time.
I grasped her hand in mine as we exited the elevator. We were met with passing glances from the desk personnel. The men didn’t bother with our light public display, but the women appeared surprised. The warm night, slight breeze, and smell of the ocean greeted us as we stepped from the entrance door.
“It’s a beautiful evening,” Tegan said as she squeezed my hand.
We walked down to the shore and kicked off our shoes. We were both wearing shorts, so we waded into the water. I had never done the relationship thing, so this was something new for me. I loved hearing the sound of her laughter as we stepped backward, trying to escape the next impending wave. She tried splashing me as I circled her waist with my hands and lifted her. Her body stilled when she realized her feet weren’t touching the ground.
“Put me down before you injure yourself. I’m too heavy,” she whispered.
Her words tore at me as I scooped her up in my arms with her legs dangling. “You seem to forget I’m built for strength, and you, my love, are light. It hurts me that you undervalue your achievements. Almost thirty pounds down. Look at everything you’ve managed to do. You did boot camp, and from what I hear, you kicked its ass.”
“And it cost me dearly,” she replied sadly.
I set her down on the sand. “So you would have wanted our child?”
“Not really. Probably no… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now, does it? The choice was made for me.”
“I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. You’ve caught me off guard.”
“There seems to be a lot of that going around,” she mused. “It’s a female thing, I think. I wouldn’t expect you to feel either way. It happened, and it’s over. Some things aren’t meant to be.”
“I want you to be comfortable enough to share everything with me, good or bad. Open and crystal clear. It’s as though I’m in the same body but with different eyes. I don’t know how to act or what to say that doesn’t make me sound like an asshole. I’m used to that label. I’m scared and happy all at once. I’m so afraid I’ll say or do the wrong thing.”
Tegan grabbed her shoes. “I’m just as apprehensive as you are. You think because I had so much involvement with men, I’m some kind of expert. The honest to God truth is I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved someone until now, even though I was married. I don’t recognize what I feel for you as familiar. This is all new to me, too. Neither of us has an instruction manual, so I guess we tread carefully until we reach a place in the middle. One that allows us both to feel content. I believe our path is going to be challenging. Let’s face it, Kai. We didn’t start off very cordial.”
I gazed down at her as I placed my hands on her shoulders. “You know, I think I was drawn to you when we first met, and I lashed out with words and booze because I wanted to defy any thoughts of you. In the beginning, I was star struck because I’d watched every movie you ever made. Then I got disappointed, actually pissed, because my fantasy had allowed herself to fall so far. You had become everything I loathed in a woman. And you didn’t care. My dream girl dissolved the minute I met you, and I hated you for it. Tawny Temp was dead.”
“Unfortunately, she got older and evolved into a fat girl.”
I felt like a jerk. “I won’t lie, Tegan. I felt disillusioned because you didn’t resemble who I anticipated. But in truth, you could have been thin as hell and it wouldn’t have mattered because I was expecting a sexed-up porn star, and that was no longer you. But don’t you see what you are now is so much more than Tawny? You have everything I thought I never wanted. I fought it from the beginning. The night you found me drunk and almost passed out, I realize now I was trying so hard to fight my impending feelings toward you. But once we slept together, that was it for me. I knew I could bury my emotions in a bottle, but they would always be there when I sobered. There was no escaping you.”
“You make me sound like a criminal,” she teased.
“And you are. The only thing missing is the handcuffs. You’ve stolen my heart.”
She rolled her eyes and bristled. “Really. Does that work on all the women? You do watch cheesy porn.”
I stared at her with a sexy smile. “You’ve seen me, right? I’ve never had to use a line in my life. Between my face and this body, women flock to me,” I said, taunting her.
“Oh my God, Ronnie is right. You are a narcissist.”
I flipped my hair back, chuckling. “She’s gay. As if she knows men.”
“I trust her judgment. Just saying she hit the nail on the head.”
I pressed my body into hers so she could feel my desire. “A man can change. I mean, for the right woman.”
She rotated her lower half into my erection. “Am I her?” she asked.
“I have no doubt you are. But you have to be patient because I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells, especially now. I have no experience with love and all the elements that come with it. I’m a novice, and it feels odd because I’ve always been an expert in all things women.”
Standing on her tiptoes, Tegan ruffled my hair. “I guess we’ll be amateurs together. I kind of like the fact that this is new for both of us. I hope it will prepare us. You do know you’re going to be trashed because of me. We shouldn’t be publicly ridiculed or punished for loving each other.”
I already knew being humiliated by people that weren’t my peers would suck. “I’m sure I can handle it. I already told Jasper and Reese, and frankly, those are the only two people I care about. Well, except Riley, my best friend, and he’s all for it.”
We treaded the sand as we headed back to the hotel.
“How did Reese and your other friend take it?” she asked.
How did I tell her what they said? I scratched my jaw. “Well, Reese… of course he got it. He’s always been vocal about not judging women. So for him, the surprise was it happening to me. Jasper was hardened. The man has had a stick up his ass the entire time I’ve known him. I’m s
ure he has his reasons, but he’s not the type to share his feelings.” I chuckled. “That’s not easy for me either. He was more about the ramifications and fearing a lawsuit.”
Tegan looked astonished.
“Of course he had to bring up my fucking rules and how I’d broken each one. He wanted me to tell you anything to keep you placated. Like I said, he’s a Brit with a chip on his shoulder.”
“So he told you to basically tell me anything I would want to hear? I’m beginning to think you three deserve each other and your arrogance is what bound you all together. I hope you’re not expecting a friendly response if I ever meet Jasper, because I might have the urge to slap that smug attitude off his face.”
I’d love to see her hit that cocksucker. It was something I had wanted to do since the day we met. The reality was it wasn’t friendship or even ego that bonded us. It was his money and the women we shared. But outside of the wealth and girls, I really didn’t like him.
I put her hand in mine as we got to the entrance of the hotel and walked to the elevator. Then I wrapped my arm around and pulled her close. I stared into the mirrors that served as the interior walls and looked at us as a pair. We fit. Puzzle pieces that made a full picture. I had always been self-confident concerning everything I did, and nothing could sway me from anything once I made up my mind. And regarding Tegan, I was certain I could take anything that was thrown at us. I only hoped she could be as strong, or Tegan would be crushed under the weight.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tegan
In the elevator, Kai’s silence worried me. I caught his reflection in the glass surrounding us, and he appeared deep in thought. I wondered if he was thinking about what Jasper had said. I was sure he said more than Kai admitted. It was his effort to spare my feelings. I was used to the mockery. Now I was concerned that Kai confessing his love was just a ploy.
Stop it, Tegan. Do not ruin this. He’s not that good of an actor.