Yipper raised his hairy eyebrows.
“An emo-damper? That’s a major enhancement, so it is, so it is. Are you sure a far seeing ocular wouldn’t suit you better? Or maybe a new arm—punch right through solid plasti-steel so you could, so you could. Or what about multi-jointed legs or some collapsible wings? Flying all over you could be.”
“I don’t need to fly or punch through solid steel or see any farther than I already can,” Garron growled. “I need to get a handle on my emotions and the sooner the better.”
Yipper shook his head. “Emo-dampers are delicate and dangerous. We usually install them just before a new warrior comes out of the incubation pods. A damper installed after the flesh has already knit together is unreliable unless done properly. So it is, so it is.”
“How unreliable?” Garron demanded.
“Only one has been implanted with long term success and that was in one of the Dark Ones—the Enhanced.”
“The Dark Kindred, you mean?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, so they are called by some.” Yipper nodded at the two standing at the bar. “It was in Six, there actually—I did his implant myself. But he came to us as an adolescent, so he did, so he did. You are a fully grown.”
“I only need it to work in times of great stress,” Garron said. “But I need it soon. My name day is coming up and I am in danger of changing into…something else. Something not safe for Tess to be around.” He nodded at her as she took another sip of the foaming green drink.
Yipper frowned, which caused his entire long, furry face to look as thought it was collapsing into itself.
“You will change into something else? This I have never heard of. May I ask what kind of Kindred you are?”
“I am half Raiku,” Garron said, reluctantly, Tess thought.
“A new kind of Kindred!” Yipper clapped his little hands together excitedly. “I knew it! So, I did, so I did! Tell me more of the other half of your heritage, please!”
Garron frowned but complied with the request.
“The Raiku hail from Pax, a planet in the Silverbeam system. The males there turn into ravenous, dangerous creatures called dr’gins. I have such a creature in me and I do not wish to let it out.”
“And emotions bring it closer to the surface? So they do, so they do?” Yipper asked, staring at him intently.
Garron nodded. “Exactly. If I can control my emotions, I should be able to control my dr’gin. Enough to keep it inside, at least during my name day. After that—after the danger is past—I don’t mind feeling again as long as I can control my emotions periodically when they get too strong.”
But Yipper was shaking his furry head.
“You seem to have a misconception, so you do, so you do. An emo-damper is not temporary—nor is it a switch you can turn off and on. Once it is implanted, it is for life. If it is working properly—and I will be certain that it is—you will never feel any kind of emotion again. No, you won’t, no you won’t.”
“What?” He had Tess’s full attention now. “You’re saying it’s permanent—he can never take it out and he’ll never feel anything again? Not hate or joy or sadness or…or love?”
“I am afraid not.” Yipper looked mournful. “A sad life, so it is, so it is. I have always thought so, anyway. Yet many choose it. All of the Enhanced who live below on the surface have chosen so because the Collective demands it. That is why the Dark Ones feel nothing—it is part of being Enhanced. Emotions are a crime, so they are, so they are.”
Tess didn’t know what the Collective was and she didn’t care. She only knew that if Garron went through with getting this emotion-damper implant, he would never feel again. And if he didn’t feel anything for anyone…Go on and say it—admit it, whispered the little voice in her brain. If he doesn’t feel anything for anyone he’s not going to care about you. Is he now, sweetheart?
“Garron,” she said, turning to him. “This is awful. You can’t go through with it!”
“I must.” He didn’t look very happy about it but there was an expression of determination stamped on his strong features. “There’s no other way.”
“There has to be!” Tess objected. “You can’t give up feeling anything ever again just because you’re worried about one single day! Go off on your own on that day—on your name day. Let whatever happens, happen.”
“You don’t understand.” His voice was low and intense. “You cannot because I haven’t fully explained.”
“Perhaps you would like some privacy?” Yipper asked tactfully. “May I show you to a guest room? You can talk about it, so you can, so you can. I will prepare the implant just in case and you can let me know your decision in the morning.”
“That sounds good,” Tess said quickly. She looked at Garron. “Is that okay with you?”
“Well…” He frowned. “The way my emotions have been fluctuating lately…”
“If your dr’gin starts coming out, I’ll help put him back in the box,” Tess promised quickly. “Please, Garron, just take a night to sleep on it. This is a big decision—it will affect the rest of your life.”
He sighed and looked at Yipper. “All right. Show us to the guest rooms then.”
“Very good, very good.” The Tolleg nodded and scrambled nimbly off his barstool. “Follow me, follow me.”
He led them out of the bar, taking a different route than the glass tube that had brought them there. As they left, Tess threw one last glance over her shoulder at the Dark Kindred sitting at the bar. As if he felt her eyes on her, the one Yipper had called Six, turned to stare back.
Tess dropped her eyes quickly. But she couldn’t help imagining Garron looking at her with that same, cold, impassive glare. She shivered. He couldn’t do that to himself—couldn’t give up all his emotions.
Could he?
Chapter Twenty-nine
“Okay, can you please explain to me why you feel like you have to get this done?” Tess asked, the moment they were alone in the vast guest room decorated in silver and blue wall hangings. “I mean, I know it’s not really my business but you brought me here with you and I thought…thought maybe there was something between us.”
“There is,” Garron said in a low voice. “For me, anyway. I wasn’t sure how you felt.”
“How could you not be sure?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips. “After the way you touched me the other night? The way you made me…” She broke off, a deep blush spreading over her pale cheeks. “I mean, I just…I wouldn’t have told you what I told you or let you…do what you did if I didn’t feel for you.”
“I feel for you too, lin’del. Too much.” Garron sank down on the side of the large sleeping platform and put his head in his hands. He could feel his dr’gin rising with the strong emotions this conversation was bringing up and he had to will it back down by force. “Much too much. Which is why this is so damn hard.”
“Why do it, then?” she demanded. “Why not just come back home with me—back to Earth—and go up in the mountains on your name day. Let your dr’gin come out if it wants to. Run around and hunt some deer or whatever and then come back once it’s all tired out and you’re ready to change back.”
“I wish it was that simple.” Garron took a deep breath, struggling with his dr’gin. “I truly wish it was, but it’s not.”
“Why not?” Tess asked. “Please tell me—I really want to know. Because if you do this, Garron, if you take this implant, then that’s it. It won’t matter if I feel for you because you won’t feel for me anymore. You’ll look at me the way that Six guy did—like I was a bug you wouldn’t mind squashing.”
“No, I won’t!” Garron rose and began to pace around the room. “I could never look at you like that—never be so heartless.”
“Of course you could—if you have no feelings!”
Tess was looking more and more upset. The sharp scent of her worry and anxiety caused his dr’gin to shift restlessly within him. Their female was in danger, it informed Garron. Som
ething had to be done—she had to be calmed, protected.
I’m trying, Garron told it grimly. Settle down. Be still!
“Is it Nella?” Tess asked in a low voice. “Do you want to have your emotions eradicated so you can keep the vow you made to remember her?”
“No!” Garron ran both hands through his hair in frustration. “No, she’s gone and she is never coming back. You’re here—right here with me—and yet I cannot have you. I was stupid to ever think I could.”
“Yes, you can.” Tess came to him and put a hand on his arm. She looked earnestly into his eyes. “You can, Garron. Look, I know I have a lot of baggage. I have a crazy ex who wants to kill me and anyone I’m with and I’m not really great at sex and I’m not exactly skinny—”
“You think I care about any of that?” he demanded. Taking her by the shoulders, he looked into her eyes. “I care for you, Tess. You’re perfect, just the way you are. More than perfect…” He let his eyes roam over her lush curves longingly. “It’s me that has the problem—not you.”
“Oh sure. ‘It’s not me, it’s you.’ That’s classic,” she said bitterly. “That’s not very original, Garron. I thought you were different but I guess guys are the same all over, no matter what galaxy they come from.”
“I’m not trying to put you off, I’m being honest with you! You wouldn’t want to be with me anyway—I could never bond you to me permanently as a Kindred male is supposed to do with his mate.”
“What is ‘bonding’ anyway? What does it mean? Because I have to tell you, Garron, it sounds like an excuse.”
“Bonding or bonding sex, is different for every kind of Kindred,” he explained. “When it happens, it binds the male and female together in an unbreakable bond. They can hear each other’s mental voices and sometimes feel each other’s emotions.”
“That sounds…intense,” Tess said. “But what does it have to do with us?”
“A Rai’ku Kindred can only bond with his female after he has had his first transformation,” he explained. “And since I don’t dare to let my dr’gin out, even once—”
“But why not?” she demanded. “If it’s just the first time that it’s a problem, there ought to be some way around it. Some way to—”
“The reason I can’t be with you—the reason I can’t risk the transformation…” Garron couldn’t help himself—his voice rose from a whisper to a roar. “Is that I don’t want to kill you!”
“What?” She backed away from him and he let her go. “What did you say?”
“You heard me,” Garron growled. “If my dr’gin comes out, someone will die. Most likely you, if you’re near me. I can’t risk that—I won’t.”
“Come on now…” Her voice was shaking but she looked at him defiantly. “You don’t really mean you’d kill me when you changed?”
“Kill you and eat you.” He hated to put it in such stark terms but he saw no other way to get the urgency of the situation across to her.
“I’m sorry—what?” Tess still had a look of incomprehension on her face. She still didn’t understand—maybe she didn’t want to understand. Who could blame her?
“Nella,” Garron said, trying to make it clearer. “You never asked me how she died.”
“How…?”
“She was killed. By my own brother just after his transformation.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You see, when a dr’gin first comes out, it’s nothing but a mindless beast, bent on satiating its appetites. It eats the first person it sees—preferably an unmated female. Nella was one of the virgins gathered for my younger brother’s first transformation…and she was unlucky enough to be chosen as a sacrifice to his hunger.”
Tess’s face was white. “So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying that unless you wish to be devoured, you need to let me do this. Let me get the emotion damper. Or I will kill and eat either you or whoever else is at hand the moment I change. The moment I let the dr’gin out. Or the moment it comes out on its own because I can’t stop it anymore.”
He could feel it rising in him again, even as he spoke. He pushed it back down with an effort.
“I…” Tess seemed to be trying to deal with what he’d told her. “All right, that’s…that’s pretty bad. But couldn’t you just kill a deer or a cow or something like that?”
“The dr’gin demands sentient flesh,” he said grimly. “It will only eat a thinking, self-aware creature.” Gods, he hated telling her this—hated painting himself as a monster. But it was what he was—what he harbored within himself. There could be no lying about it, no pretending it wasn’t true.
“So if you turn…someone has to die.”
“Yes.” He nodded wearily. “And that someone would probably be you. I could not bear that, Tess. Please…”
“Oh, Garron…” Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I…I don’t know what to say. I guess…I didn’t understand before.”
“I know you didn’t,” he said heavily. “Because I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. Didn’t want you to know the worst.”
He turned away from her then, expecting her to turn away as well. She would probably leave him now—ask for another room. Maybe one with a viewscreen so she could call the Kindred Mother Ship and ask for someone else—someone safe—to take her home. She—
His dark thoughts were interrupted by the feel of her arms around his waist and her soft cheek pressed against his back.
“Tess?” He turned uncertainly in her embrace, bringing her into his arms. “You shouldn’t. It isn’t safe.”
“I don’t care.” She pulled closer and pressed her face against his chest.
Garron knew he shouldn’t touch her—his dr’gin was dangerously close to the surface—closer than ever before. But as it always did, her soft touch seemed to calm the beast within. Not enough to keep it from coming out forever as he had once hoped, but enough for now, it seemed.
“Lin’del,” he whispered roughly. Somehow his hands found their way into her long, dark red hair and he was tilting her chin up. She stood on her tiptoes, reaching up to him and he bent to cover her mouth, knowing it was wrong but unable to help himself. Unable to do anything but taste her sweet lips one last time.
* * * * *
“I want you,” Tess breathed when the kiss broke at last. “Please, Garron. If you have to do this—if you have to get the damn emotion blocker—then I want you while you still want me.”
“I thought you were frightened.” He studied her face intently.
“Not of you. Not anymore,” Tess whispered. “After last night…” She felt her cheeks grow hot as she remembered the gentle way he had touched her and made her come. Making love with Garron would be nothing like having sex with Pierce, she was certain. He wouldn’t expect her to lie still and pretend to feel nothing. She could move and moan and enjoy herself without fear of reprisal.
And she could make love with the big Kindred. She needed that—needed the memory of him wanting her—of them wanting each other—before it wasn’t possible anymore.
“I want you,” she repeated softly. “Now—before it’s too late.”
“I want you too—so damn much,” he growled softly, his eyes glowing. “But I don’t know if I should take you—not completely.”
“Why not?” Tess couldn’t help feeling disappointed.
“Touching you seems to calm my dr’gin. But actually taking you…I’m afraid it might have the opposite effect. It might be too much.” He stroked a strand of hair away from her face. “I’m sorry but I don’t want to take that chance.”
“All right.” Tess nuzzled her cheek against his big palm, loving the warmth of his hand. “But we can still hold each other. I want to be with you, Garron. I want to touch you again…and feel you touch me.”
A soft growl rose in his throat.
“I want that too.”
Suddenly they were ripping off each other’s clothes in a near frenzy. Garron pulled off his shirt and Tess stood on her tiptoes t
o kiss him as she worked on the fastenings of his black leather flight trousers. He tugged off her jeans, kissing her back hungrily.
Tess buried her hands in his hair and licked at his lips, asking for entry. He opened for her eagerly and she sucked his tongue into her mouth, loving the taste of him. There was a faint trace of the sweet, fizzing drink they’d had at the bar but mostly he tasted of heat and that delicious, almost-cinnamon spice that was just purely him.
“Gods, your mouth is so sweet,” he murmured, when the kiss broke at last. “I want to taste you some more. Want to taste all of you tonight.”
“Umm…” Tess suddenly felt nervous. But before she could answer him, he swung her up into his massive arms and carried her to the bed which sort of looked like a big silvery-blue bean bag.
He deposited her gently in the center of the vast structure—clearly they were used to having Kindred guests here—and joined her after he finished stripping off his leathers.
Garron was completely naked now but Tess was still wearing her blue button down shirt with her bra and panties. He went to work on the buttons but he had slowed down some. Rather than just ripping them open as she half expected, he undid each one slowly, taking the time to place a hot, sweet kiss on each bit of her skin he uncovered.
She moaned breathlessly as he kissed the top of her chest…the valley between her breasts…the spot right above her belly button… And then his mouth landed at the waistband of her pale blue panties. His lips were soft and his hot breath blew across her mound, sending a shiver through her entire body.
“Oh!” Tess jumped and that little voice in her head—the one that had been silent during everything else—suddenly spoke up. Stop…wrong…dangerous…
She froze, clamping her thighs together involuntarily before he could go any lower.
“Tess? Lin’del?” He looked up at her questioningly. “What’s wrong? I thought you weren’t afraid anymore?”
“I’m not. Of…of most things.” She propped herself up on her elbows, still keeping her knees firmly together. “I’m sorry, I just…this…the idea of you kissing me there makes me really, um, uncomfortable.”
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