The North Star

by Wendy Cole

  I shifted under his steady gaze. It was exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear, but my mind wouldn’t allow me to accept the compliment because it didn’t make sense. It didn’t fit in with who I was or how I viewed myself. “You give me too much credit.”

  He grunted.

  Scarlet grabbed my hand. “Stealing.” She pulled hard, jerked me to my feet, and Zeke waved us off and focused back on the view.

  “She is fucking working it. I knew she would.”

  I rolled my eyes. “She hasn’t done anything. It’s just a bathing suit.”

  It was the truth. Amber hadn’t done a thing to warrant any animosity, and that fact made it that much harder to understand what to do. In prison and in the club, bitches were blunter. If they liked me, I knew. If they didn’t, I knew. If they were being sneaky, it didn’t matter because we all knew not to trust each other anyway.

  It would be so much easier if she’d just try to shank me already.

  But no. Amber looked like a sweet girl with no idea of the kinds of thoughts she’d undoubtedly caused with her wardrobe choice.

  Scarlet gave me a flat look. “That’s the kind of thinking that gets you played. Seriously, you should know this.”

  I pursed my lips and looked back to where Amber now floated in the water. She’d garnered some attention which wasn’t surprising. Parker, though silent, seemed eager to communicate however he could, and even Boe sat on the edge with his gaze fixed in her direction.

  “It’s not a competition.” I turned back to her. “This whole thing you and Lexy have started feels childish. I didn’t sign on to be Miss fucking America. I’m not cut out for it. I couldn’t care less about saving the planet, and I don’t give a shit who looks better in a fucking swimsuit.”

  “Hey! The planet is important.”

  I stared at her.

  She snorted. “Okay. Alright.”

  She fought back a grin as she pulled a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and held them out to me.

  I took it just to have something in my hand, and my first drag after she fired it up left me lightheaded.

  I blew it out slowly. “This is so stupid. I shouldn’t be bothered by her.”

  “But you are.” Scarlet took a hit then picked at her nail. “Because even though you’re a badass, you’re still a chick. And that chick over there wants the same big hairy Sasquatch you―for some strange fucking reason―want.” She tilted her head and made a face then took another drag and huffed it out. “I’m just trying to help.”

  “Yes. Very helpful,” I said, my tone dry.

  “Jessie. Just wear the fucking bikini.”

  “Then it looks like I’m trying.”

  “You are trying.”

  “I shouldn’t be trying. I don’t have to try. Bard wants me. I have no reason not to trust him.”

  “Bard’s still a man.” Her brows lifted, and she motioned with her eyes to the spot behind me.

  I turned and sucked in a breath. Bard stood by the edge of the water, shirt off, talking to the group still wading within.

  Amber smiled up as if the sun shone out of his ass.

  Motherfucker.

  “Fine.”

  “Atta girl.” Scarlet’s tone sounded far too devious, but I didn’t care, because in that moment, I realized…

  I felt like I was hiding.

  I pushed my jeans down my legs then paused at the hem of my shirt. Scarlet didn’t know. None of them did. Only Bard had seen the marks I kept hidden away. He’d accepted them. He’d accepted me.

  I needed to accept myself.

  Then, just like that, it was clear. This was what I needed. Not to outdo Amber. Not to prove myself to her, to Bard, or anyone else. I needed to rise above any games, insecurities, or nightmares of the past.

  I didn’t have perfect, flawless skin. I didn’t shimmer like gold. I had thick, black ink, and scars. I had marks and art and pain etched across me like notches on a block wall. Days, weeks, months and years I’d survived.

  I pulled the shirt away, and Scarlet sucked in a breath behind me.

  I kept my steps sure, shoulders squared, and back straight. I’d expected shame, but there wasn’t any. I felt empowered. I reached deep inside myself, down to the person who’d been built by years of hard living and heartache.

  Inner Jessie smiled.

  Bard cut a look over at my approach and did a double take, and Amber paused and offered me a tight smile.

  I smiled back at her, and it was a real one. I looked at her and felt no hate because I’d been fighting my whole life. Hell, as I stood there, I was fighting. At that very moment, there was a multitude of people dying to get their hands around my throat, relieve me of the breath in my lungs, and make my heart thud its final beat.

  I was prepared to fight them all, but this girl…

  I looked down at her.

  She wasn’t a threat.

  I had enough to fight for.

  I would not fight over a man.

  If Bard wanted her, he’d have her, and that would be it.

  The air felt crisper. My chest lightened, and the anxiety I’d been carrying faded away.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

  Bard’s gaze made a steady trail from my head to my toes then all the way up before they shifted to where Boe still sat on the bank.

  His jaw twitched, and within a matter of seconds, he reached down, scooped me up, and took me with him into the water.

  I barely had time to get a breath before we submerged, and Bard kept his hold tight even after we did.

  When he kicked us back to the surface, I spluttered. “What the fuck, Bard!”

  His eyes fixed on the rocks at the far side as he waded us across the water and pressed my back against them. He towered in front of me like a wall, blocking me in and obstructing the view. “Where’d this come from?”

  He ran a finger under the string at my collar bone then glanced down between us.

  I lifted my chin. “Lexy let me use it.”

  He nodded, still not meeting my eyes. “I see.”

  I tried to move, but he held me still.

  “What? Do you plan to keep me here forever?”

  “Maybe.” He cast a glance over his shoulder. “You don’t want me to beat him. This is the next best option I had.”

  I snorted. “You’re being silly.”

  “Maybe.” He swallowed hard. “That’s not the only reason I can’t turn around right now though.” To put emphasis to his words, he pressed closer.

  My eyes widened. “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.” He heaved a sigh and ran a hand down my waist. “Jesus, Tequila. What were you thinking?”

  “It’s a bathing suit.”

  “This,” He cupped my bottom, “it’s not even…You might as well be naked. No. This is bait.” His jaw clenched. “It’s hard enough for me knowing he’s here. This isn’t helping.”

  I gaped at him. “Amber is wearing almost the exact same thing, and Lexy’s,” I scoffed, “don’t get me started.”

  “But I don’t care about them. Neither one of them is mine.” His hand trailed again, too low for such a public place.

  I batted it away. “For fucks sake, Bard! Don’t do that here. There’s people watching.”

  “They can’t see you.”

  “They can see you!” I pushed him away.

  He relented. His jaw was tight and his eyes darted once again to where Boe sat, then Parker. Everyone stared, but judging by the looks, it wasn’t out of lust. No. Bard had failed to realize what I’d done by wearing the suit. I hadn’t just exposed skin. I’d exposed a past too dark for most to comprehend.

  He glared them all down, and most had the sense to look away.

  Boe didn’t. He met my gaze, eyes soft and full of questions.

  Bard didn’t care for it. “What the fuck are you staring at?”

  Boe’s jaw tightened.

  Scarlet laughed. She scrambled to the edge of the water and took a seat as if she’d just made i
t to the front row.

  At least I knew why she’d fought so hard to make this happen.

  “Who are you? Her father?” Boe shouted back.

  The old man stepped out of one of the tents and stretched. He’d had a hard time with the hike, had kept to the back, and laid down the moment we arrived. He took in the scene before him with an annoyed expression. “What’s all the yellin’ for?!”

  Zeke stood and helped him to one of the few chairs. “No worries, old timer. The boys are fighting over Jessie.”

  When Bard started forward, he looked ready to yank Boe in and drown him.

  Nope.

  I jumped on his back and clung, but Boe chose that moment to be brave. He stood and motioned Bard on with one hand, and his other hung by his side in a white-knuckled fist.

  Zeke stepped in. “Boys! That’s enough.”

  “Boys! Keep going,” Scarlet shouted then laughed.

  Zeke glared at her. “It’s not funny. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

  She shook her head. “I know. My money’s on Bard. Winning I mean. But I don’t know. Boe’s been pissier than I’ve ever seen him lately.”

  Charlene plopped down next to her and placed a palm over her mouth. “I don’t think he’s joking, hon.”

  One look at Zeke, and it was obvious he wasn’t. He turned his stern look onto Boe. “I didn’t bring you out here to fight, son. Be the bigger man.”

  Boe stared at me for a long, drawn-out moment.

  I shook my head at him, pleading. I didn’t want another fight. I didn’t want a repeat of the last one.

  He nodded stiffly and retreated into the trees.

  Bard’s muscles tightened beneath me, and he watched Boe walk away as if ready to go after him.

  He ran him off because he’d looked at me. Now, what? Boe had to hide in the woods while the rest of us all enjoyed the trip? Because Bard couldn’t handle another man showing an interest?

  My mind wandered to a similar situation, to poor Greg, to watching him strapped in that chair, twitching and writhing in agony.

  No. This wasn’t that. This wasn’t the same.

  But what if it was? What if it was the first sign? What if things were turning…

  My chest tightened. He wanted to hide me away while I was doing everything I could to accept the girl less than a few feet from me, a girl he had an actual history with, unlike Boe and I who’d only ever been friends.

  I shoved his back as my anger mounted.

  Bard turned and lifted a brow at me.

  “You’re pissing me off!”

  “Why?” His eyes cut, deeper and darker than he’d ever looked at me. They were full of an accusation that only worked to rise my defenses more. “You want to talk to him?”

  I glared back at him. “If I did, it wouldn’t be any of your damn business.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes.” The word felt wrong. It tasted foul as it rolled off my tongue, but I didn’t let it show. “You should trust me.” My skin heated with the attention of our audience, and I wished more than anything that we could just be alone. I lowered my voice. “You’re reminding me of someone I’ve worked really hard to forget.”

  The moment I said the words, I wished I could take them back, but it was too late.

  Bard shook his head then stiffly turned away from me and waded to the bank. I watched him go, wanting to call out but biting my tongue. Those many sets of eyes intensified, and an awkward hush settled across the atmosphere.

  Amber waded closer. “He’ll be okay. Just give him a minute.”

  My gaze shot to her. She didn’t say it in a malicious way. She sounded like she was genuinely trying to be helpful.

  She smiled. “I’ve been waiting for a moment to talk to you. I-I wanted to apologize. I was in a bad spot and clinging to whatever I could find. We were kids the last time I saw Bard. I’m not here to cause you any problems.” She chewed her lip and swallowed hard. “I would leave, but…I don’t have anyone.”

  Her voice cracked at the end.

  Motherfucker. I deflated.

  “It’s alright. We’re good.” I forced a smile. “I know what it’s like to not have any family. I don’t fault you for wanting to be around this one.”

  My gaze roamed over the people finally starting to get back to their own activities. Zeke took a seat beside the old man and laughed at something he said. Parker stared after Bard with a thoughtful expression then wrote a message on his pad and passed it to Charlene. Scarlet was busy pouting on the bank while Lexy applied more makeup to her face as if she’d suddenly meet a boy in the middle of fucking nowhere. I huffed a laugh. “They’re great.”

  Amber smiled. “Yeah. They really are. My daddy was just like these men.” Her gaze darted off into the trees, and her tone softened. “I can still feel him here on the mountain.”

  I looked around at the beauty I’d grown so attached to, and despite the anxiety still clawing at my gut, it brought me a semblance of peace. “When I go, I wouldn’t mind sticking around a place like this.”

  Amber waded to the far side and took a seat along the bank.

  I took her advice about giving Bard space, but it was probably more because I was too afraid to face him. The statement burned my tongue, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at myself. I wanted to pull my hair for even daring to compare him to Drake, knowing what Drake had done to him, knowing what Bard had done for me since we met.

  I looked over at Amber, and she offered me a soft understanding smile. She wasn’t so bad. Perhaps, I’d been too harsh. Perhaps, that green-eyed monster had painted her in the wrong light. She hadn’t done anything. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

  We dipped our feet into the water and sat in silence for a while. As we did, the rest of the group seemed to forget about the angry men who’d disappeared. They huddled together in little clusters as they drank and laughed. After a while, Zeke built a fire, and the night drew in around us.

  Amber opened up even more. She told me stories about Bard, the mountain, and about the things they’d done as children. It was nothing romantic; just kids, playing hide and seek, getting into trouble.

  “He’s really into you,” she said, not an ounce of bitterness in her voice. “But I guess I get why now.”

  I looked at her. “What do you mean?”

  She smiled over at me. “You should have seen him when we were kids. He was always finding critters, little birds or baby raccoons, foxes, even a wolf cub once.” She laughed. “His daddy hadn’t been happy about that one, but they were always injured or sick. He’d take them home and nurse them to health.”

  My throat tightened. Was she saying what I thought she was saying?

  She seemed so relaxed, so calm. There wasn’t an ounce of malice behind the words. It was as if she didn’t know what she’d said might be offensive. Her eyes were light, her tone even lighter. She chuckled.

  “But every time they’d get better, he’d want to keep them.” She looked over at me. “Of course, his mama never let him. They were wild. It was too dangerous.”

  I want to keep you.

  Jesus fucking Christ.

  My heart split apart, and all the insecurities I’d released came rushing back to devour me. This was why he’d wanted me. This was what had made him approach a girl at a bar, covered in filth, stinking of grime, and obviously in trouble.

  I was nothing but another broken bird.

  The scars on my back pulled and tightened, and I pushed myself from the bank and turned away.

  Amber watched me with a confused expression. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “No. It’s fine.” I didn’t sound fine, but it was the best I could do.

  With no real thought apart from escaping, I took off into the first direction I found and darted between the trees.

  My throat constricted, and my eyes burned. My heart clenched, and all I could hear was the same words on repeat, over and over again.

  I want to keep you.


  And I’d said okay.

  A wild animal, a dangerous animal healed back to life.

  All the time, I’d thought I didn’t belong, I’d pushed it aside. But the truth in Amber’s words hit me like a swift kick from karma.

  Bard’s hands on my back, his worshiping, his lips against each inch of mangled skin. Healing me. That was what it’d been this whole time. He’d drawn me out, little by little, like a wounded animal that needed to be coaxed.

  Then, he asked to keep me.

  A wild animal.

  The definition of dangerous.

  And I lashed out and bit him where it hurt the most.

  Every time I’d felt like I didn’t belong, it wasn’t because I was wrong.

  I didn’t.

  I never had.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

  All my life, the only thing I seemed to excel at was fucking up, but I’d outdone myself. Never in all my twenty-six years of existence had I made as colossal a mistake as taking off into the woods at night in nothing but a wet bikini and with no real direction.

  I want to keep you.

  He always wanted to keep them.

  It dug into my brain and wouldn’t leave. Every word he’d ever said to me, everything he’d ever done, replayed in my mind in a new perspective, and I couldn’t take it. It triggered instincts that had gone dormant since he came along to…protect me.

  I ran.

  I just needed to get as far away as I could. But it wasn’t something I could run from, and a sanctuary didn’t exist to protect me from the truth. Still, I ran anyway, desperately and aimlessly through the trees. I ignored each stab of the twigs and rocks beneath my feet. I welcomed the scratch of tree limbs. Branches reached out to slap me in the face as if Mother Nature herself was trying to stop me, but I didn’t slow down. It was better. For a split moment it took me away from the ache inside my chest. My heart had been so full for the first time in my life, and to have all that joy sucked away at once felt like torture.