Hear My Heart

by Maryann Jordan

  “I drove,” she said, pointing to a small SUV. “We live just outside of town.”

  “I got you,” he replied and, with his hand on her lower back, guided her to the vehicle. “I’ll follow you home.”

  She beeped her locks open and watched as he gently placed Emily in her booster seat. “Thank you for everything, Aiden. I’ve got it from here.”

  “Lia,” he said, drawing her attention. “I know you can do it all yourself but, please, let me see you and Emily home.” She looked skeptical, like she was trying to figure out why he was doing any of this. It was a question he was asking himself, to be honest. It just felt…right. When she nodded, he let out a breath he had not realized he was holding. “My truck is just down the street. Let me get behind you so I can follow, okay?”

  She nodded again and he reached out, placing his hand on her arm, giving a comforting squeeze. “See you there.” Jogging across the street to his truck, he felt sure of what he was doing…a feeling unfamiliar to him.

  Lia glanced into the rearview mirror, first to check to see that Emily was still asleep and then to see if Aiden’s headlights were still in her sight. They were. She sucked in a breath, wondering what she was doing. He’s being polite. He wants to make sure that his rescue of Emily does not go awry by my falling asleep at the wheel. He’s… She couldn’t really come up with any other reasons for him to be doing what he was doing now, let alone why he had sat so close to her on the blanket or why his arms had stayed tight around Emily all night, as if fearful of losing her again. Since meeting him, her thoughts about him had swirled from incredulity at his arrogance, to irritation at his judgemental attitude, to thankful that he had found Emily and was really good to her. Too exhausted to consider the emotional whiplash, she turned into her driveway.

  Stepping from her vehicle, she waved to him, indicating that she was good and he could go home content in the knowledge that she was safe. Instead of driving on though, she watched as he pulled into her driveway behind her and turned off his truck engine.

  Before she knew what was happening, he got out and walked to Emily’s door, bending to unfasten her from her booster seat. Gently lifting her, he moved to where she was standing, mouth open and frozen still.

  “Go on,” he encouraged. “Unlock the front door and I’ll get her in.”

  Blinking out of her stunned silence, she turned and hustled up the steps, doing as he said. Stepping inside, he looked at her and cocked his head to the side.

  Nodding, she headed up the stairs, hearing his footsteps coming behind her. The small house only had two bedrooms and she led him through the door on the right. She watched as he bent and placed Emily on her bed.

  Turning, he said, “I’ll let you get her ready.”

  Placing her hand on his arm, she lifted her gaze to his, her chest heaving with so many different emotions. “Thank you,” was all she could think to say.

  He smiled and walked out of the room, his booted steps moving down the stairs.

  Alone at last, she blew out her breath and turned to her daughter. Slipping off Emily’s sandals and shorts, she gently pulled her pajama bottoms up over her legs. Emily opened her eyes, blinking several times before seeming to realize where she was.

  “Let’s go to the bathroom, sweetie,” she encouraged.

  Emily nodded and padded into the bathroom and quickly finished her business. Taking the toothbrush she handed to her, she brushed her teeth and then moved straight back to her bed. Following her, she pulled her blouse off and placed her pajama top over her head, weaving her arms through the sleeves. Tucking her in, she knelt by the bed, kissing her forehead.

  “We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”

  Emily’s eyes widened and she asked, “Am I in trouble?”

  “No, baby. But we need to make sure you understand the rules when I’m not around, okay? What you did tonight was scary and could have ended up in a not-so-good way.”

  Emily nodded but then smiled. “I like Aiden. He found me.”

  Ignoring the mixed up feelings curling around her insides at hearing Aiden’s name, she smiled in return. “All those good people went immediately to look for you, sweetheart. But, yes, Aiden found you.”

  Emily yawned and, deciding their talk was over for now, she pulled the covers up and kissed her once more.

  Turning out the light, she closed the door and leaned back against it, exhausting emotions pouring over her. The what-ifs were slamming into her mind and she felt a sob in the back of her throat threatening to choke her.

  The quiet house seemed to close in around her and she walked down the stairs, thinking the bottle of wine in her refrigerator was definitely calling to her.

  At the bottom of the stairs, she stumbled at the sight of Aiden in her living room, standing at the mantle and staring at the photograph of her and newborn Emily.

  “Oh. I thought you’d left,” she said, her eyes moving over him. Now that she had seen Emily cradled in his arms, it was hard to not think of him as her hero. God, I am tired, she chastised herself.

  Crossing her arms around her waist, in a protective stance, she considered whether or not she should offer him a drink. She had two different images of him now and she wasn’t sure which one was the real Aiden. Maybe both were. Taking a deep breath, she asked, “I was just going to get a glass of wine. Would you like one? Or, um…a beer?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she wondered what she was doing, but before she had a chance to rescind the offer, his smile widened and he nodded.

  “Thanks. A beer would be great,” he replied.

  Turning, before she lost her nerve, she moved through the eat-in kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out the wine and beer. Pouring a glass and popping off the top of the beer, she walked back into her small living room. He took the beer from her hands and took a swig. He seemed to be waiting on her, so she moved to the chair and nodded her head toward the sofa in silent invitation.

  “I know you said it wasn’t necessary, but I would be remiss if I didn’t say, once more, how grateful I am that you found Emily.”

  He acknowledged her thanks, but deferred by saying, “I was just lucky. There were lots of people who were looking for her. Lots of people here in this town who care.”

  Gulping another large sip of wine, she nodded. “It’s nice. Having lots of people who care. That’s not something I’m very used to,” she admitted. The wine was already easing through her frazzled nerves, not only relaxing her body but, obviously, relaxing her usually private emotions.

  “Didn’t you have a lot of friends where you used to live, before you moved to Baytown?”

  She noticed that he had not drunk much of his beer, but she swallowed another large sip of wine. Offering a slight shrug, she admitted, “When we first lived near the base, I was surrounded with other military wives. After Emily was born, my life became increasingly more and more about her and her needs.”

  She caught him stealing a quick glance at her finger and shook her head. “Not married anymore. My husband was a Marine but…he was killed in action. It’s just been me and Emily for, well, her whole life really.”

  He nodded, his gaze steady and said, “You’re a really good mom, Lia, and it shows in everything you do for her. I was wrong earlier to think otherwise. I’m sorry for that.”

  They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each to their own thoughts while they finished their drinks. Now, more relaxed than she had been in hours, she was about to suggest he leave so that she could go to bed, when he startled her with his next statement.

  “I’m very sorry about your husband’s death. I was also a Marine and feel a kinship with any others who served, and their families.”

  She had no idea why she spoke the words she said, but before she could stop herself, she bit out, “I know he was a hero. A hero to his fellow Marines and a hero to his country. But not to me. To me, he was not a hero. He was simply a man and not a very good one at that.”

  8

&nbs
p; Stunned at Lia’s words and honesty, Aiden watched the play of emotions cross her face. Anger quickly morphed into embarrassment and he hated that for her.

  “Don’t do that,” he admonished. “You have a right to whatever feelings you have inside of you and never let anyone tell you that you don’t.” She blinked and her mouth opened, but no words came forth.

  “Tell me about him,” he prodded, desperately wanting to know more about her now that he understood all his preconceived notions were wrong. Somehow, he knew that her complicated feelings for her deceased husband held the key. Sure that she would not normally open up to someone who was essentially a stranger, he hoped she felt the tentative bond forming between them and would trust him to have a care.

  Her shoulders slumped, as though in fatigue, and he was about to tell her it was okay, they would talk another time, when she set her now empty wine glass on the coffee table, leaned back in her seat, tucking her legs up under her, and offered, “There’s not much to tell, and I can’t imagine why you would be interested.”

  He leaned forward and, mimicking her actions, set his beer bottle on the coffee table as well. “Honestly? I look at you and see a beautiful, smart woman, who’s a good mother. I made a horrible assumption when we first met and I regret that. I misunderstood the meaning behind your words about Emily, but that’s no excuse. I made a snap judgment and, just like I don’t like others judging me when they don’t know me, I shouldn’t have done that.”

  She did not reply but held his gaze in silence.

  He continued, “Tonight, I saw a strong mother who went through agony at the thought that something had happened to her child. I saw strength in you and in the bond that you have with Emily.” His forearms rested on his knees, open slightly, with his palms turned up. “I can’t imagine any man who would not be doing everything he could to keep you and Emily in his life, so I admit, I’m curious.”

  They continued in silence for several minutes and he was willing to give her as much time to gather her thoughts as needed. Just when it looked like she was going to deny his request to talk, she heaved a great sigh and spoke.

  “We met at a picnic some friends were holding and I thought it was love at first sight. He was tall, strong, handsome and he looked at me as though I were the only woman in the room. He was already a Marine and I suppose we knew we were on borrowed time. We had only dated for six months when he popped the question and I eagerly agreed to be his wife. We were young, in love, and very happy. We talked about having children and sure enough right before he was sent away for a one-year tour, I got pregnant with Emily. We were ecstatic, even though he was leaving and that meant I’d be going through it all alone. We skyped as much as we could, of course, but it was still just me. After Emily was born, I threw myself into being her mom. After my maternity leave was up, I went back to work part-time at the accounting firm I was with and my mom watched Emily the three days a week I was at work. Carl and I emailed and Skyped as often as possible. I know he was proud, because every time we were Skyping he would gather his squad members behind him and have me hold Emily up so they could all ooh and ahh over her.”

  He watched as her eyes slid to the side, her gaze unfocused as she stared out into the room. He could tell she was miles away and remained quiet, giving her time to sift through the memories he assumed she may have pushed away.

  She looked down at her hands and he noted they were clenched in her lap. The desire to reach over and hold them moved through him, but he did not want to make her feel uneasy. His curiosity had turned into concern, and he could not remember the last time he had felt this way about a woman he had just met…or any woman, really. But there was something about her, a vulnerability lying under the strength, that called to him.

  “By the time Emily was a year old, it was obvious that something was not right. A loud noise on her left side would not cause her to startle or even turn her head. I was concerned about her hearing but knew that she was not completely deaf because if I spoke toward her right ear, she would look up at me and smile. She babbled the way babies should but her doctor did early testing and determined that she was deaf in her left ear and had partial hearing in her right. I was devastated, but also determined to do everything I could to assist Emily with her hearing and her speech.”

  “And your husband?”

  Snorting, she shook her head. “At first, when I would try to talk to him about it when we were Skyping, he would cut me off and tell me that I did not know what I was talking about. But, over time, he no longer gathered people behind him and did not even want to talk to her. When his tour was over and he came home, I could tell he was starting to see what I’d been saying and I was relieved. I finally thought everything was going to be all right. The burden that I had carried by myself could now be shared with her father. He could go to the doctors’ appointments with me. He would be able to talk to the specialists as well. It did not take long for me to realize that the more I tried to push him to be with Emily, the more he pulled away from both of us.”

  What an ass, he thought, but remained silent. Glancing down, he realized his fists were clenched in a similar manner to hers and he released them, stretching his fingers.

  “I had gone to the Key Wives’ meetings. Those were for Marine wives, so I knew it was very common for families to have a difficult transition when the military member came back to the home. I told myself he was simply having trouble adjusting. I told myself that as a Marine, he always wanted the best, and he struggled with Emily because he felt as though there should be something he could do to make it better. I kept telling myself that as soon as he became accustomed to how we needed to work with her and communicate with her, it would be better.” She lifted her gaze to him and shook her head sadly. “But it simply wasn’t happening. He finally told me that he had re-upped for another tour in Afghanistan because it was too difficult for him to deal with a wife that was spending so much of her time and energy on their child that had special needs.”

  Unable to help himself, he jumped to his feet and stalked toward the fireplace, resting his fist on top of the mantle. “Fuckin’ hell,” he ground out, barely remembering at the last second to keep his voice down because Emily was sleeping above. “What a fuckin’ prick.”

  Hating that he lost control of his emotions, he quickly turned and his gaze landed on Lia, sure that he would see censure in her eyes. Instead, to his surprise, her lips were curved in a slight smile.

  “I always thought the same thing,” she confessed.

  Pulling in a ragged breath of air, he let it out slowly. Moving back to the sofa, he sat down, this time much closer to her chair so that their knees touched. “I’m sorry, but just the thought of him leaving you and your sweet daughter makes no sense to me.”

  “Thank you for that. It was so hard because everyone else treated him as such a hero. A Marine’s Marine. Only I knew the truth—he was not running toward a battle, but running away from one. For the next year, he rarely wrote and did not Skype one single time. I finally received an email from him where he said that he thought it was best if we separated. He admitted that I was a good mother but felt that I was no longer a wife that could be one hundred percent supportive of him. When I asked him about Emily, his reply was that while he loved his daughter, he had no idea how to communicate with her, did not want to learn sign language, and that it was too distracting for him to take the time away from his job to focus on her.”

  As he watched Lia tell her story, the slight smile she had fell away. Each breath seemed to take more out of her and once again her shoulders slumped.

  “You know he was fucked, don’t you?”

  Her lips twitched again and he was glad.

  She nodded, and said, “Yes. I know he was fucked.” Sighing, she continued, “I moved out of my apartment and back in with my parents. Emily was actually doing very well with learning language mixed in with some hand signals. It was not American Sign Language, but the combination worked for her as she contin
ued to learn to speak. I was still working at the accounting firm and spending every spare moment with Emily. I assumed that when Carl came home, he would file for divorce. I wavered between thinking that I wanted to take him to the cleaners and not having anything to do with him.” Shrugging, she added, “In the end, it didn’t matter. He was killed in action, still married to me. I know, in my head, that he truly was the Marine hero that everyone made him out to be, but I also know, in my heart, he was a deserter to his family.”

  “And you suffered in silence.” It was a statement, not a question. It was obvious that she had gone through the motions of becoming a war widow, which meant being forced to accept all the glories heaped upon her husband, while knowing he had abandoned her and Emily.

  “My parents were the only ones who knew. So, I just kept moving forward. I had my accounting job and Emily was enrolled in preschool and doing well there. Not long ago I learned of Mr. Redding’s retirement causing a job opening to be here in Baytown. I couldn’t pass that up. I yearned for something new. A place where no one knew of Carl. A place where Emily and I could start over. And with my parents just thirty minutes away in Virginia Beach, I thought this was perfect.”

  He finally gave in to the urge and reached over to cover her hands with his. Her fingers were cold and he rubbed them gently, hoping to infuse some warmth. “I’m so sorry for misjudging you when we met,” he said. “I have no idea why I did, I’m not usually like that.”

  She shrugged, and said, “You don’t have to apologize anymore. To be fair, I did the same to you. I had seen your…um…flirtatious behavior and overheard comments made by Katelyn and Brogan, so when you approached me at the ballgame I wasn’t the nicest. I decided the kind of person you were based on one thing, and that was not fair of me either.”