Pieces of the Heart

by Karen White

  Mrs. Collier pulled away first. “It’s beautiful. I think it’s the best one you’ve ever done.” Her brows knitted together. “It reminds me a lot of the one you started for Jude. Remember that? I wonder whatever happened to it.”

  Caroline stepped away and began straightening the table that now resembled a dumping ground for retired quilters. “I don’t know. It disappeared somehow after . . . when I was in the hospital. I have no idea what happened to it. I always thought that you had given it away with all of Jude’s clothes.”

  “Oh, no. I would never have done that. It was so special. You’d spent so much time on it, remember? You had to sneak around Jude’s room to find all the memorabilia you wanted to include on it without him getting suspicious. And I don’t think he ever knew.”

  Caroline sank down in a chair as if the caffeine had already run through her body. “No, he didn’t. And, actually, I never had it here anyway. I always kept it at Shelby’s.”

  Both Caroline and her mother turned matching expressions to Rainy. “Did you find it in Shelby’s things?”

  Rainy slowly shook her head. “No, and I would have remembered seeing something like that. I’ll ask Drew, since he has all of her things. Maybe he’s had it all this time and didn’t even know.”

  Jewel felt the pricklings of a headache sneak up on her from behind, and it promised to be a big one. She couldn’t let her grandmother see it yet, though. She needed to run next door and look at the quilt in her mother’s trunk one more time. She was pretty sure she knew now what it was, but she wanted to make sure that it was the stitched outline of a loon she’d spotted in the corner.

  Jewel sat down and realized that all four of them were sitting at the table with the quilt stretched between them. “Hey, look. We’re like an old-time quilting bee.”

  Grandma Rainy nodded. “You’re absolutely right, Jewel. And I think that while Caroline’s on a roll, we should stay here and keep working.”

  Jewel nodded enthusiastically. “I agree. And I think since this is sort of considered history and art rolled into one that I should be excused from school today so I can stay here and quilt. I could bring the place mats in after school today. They don’t need them until then anyway.”

  The three of them stared at her with blank expressions, as if it had been too long since they remembered being in school and wanting to play hooky. After a moment the three of them said in unison, “Okay.”

  Then Caroline said, “Grab a needle. I’m going to have you sew this yellow dress on this blue square here. I’ll let you pick whatever color thread you want to use. The point of these memory quilts is to use as much of your own style as you want to express the person being portrayed. Does that make sense?”

  Jewel nodded, ignoring the pain inside her head, determined to learn as much about making memory quilts as she could. She wasn’t sure where the idea had come from, but it was there. It was a need to finish telling a story in a quilt. She wasn’t sure how it was going to end, but she knew she wouldn’t be doing it on her own.

  Rainy and Caroline picked up their own needles, holding them up like a surgeon held up his hands before surgery. Mrs. Collier smiled with barely suppressed excitement as if just now realizing that her goal to get Caroline quilting had finally come to fruition.

  “Just give me a minute to go change.”

  Grandma Rainy lowered her bifocals to study her friend. “Margaret, how far did you have to chase the homeless woman to steal that outfit?”

  “Oh, hush, Rainy. You’re just jealous because I don’t have to buy my clothes at the feed store.” Mrs. Collier left the room in her usual graceful way, but Jewel couldn’t help but notice that the woman almost skipped as she made her way across the room.

  Grandma Rainy snorted as she turned back to the table and stared back at Jewel and Caroline. An odd look crossed her face for a moment, and Jewel thought that she’d detected her headache already. Instead she said, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you two were mother and daughter—there’s something about the pair of you that’s very much the same. I just can’t figure out what it is.”

  Caroline grinned. “Oh, it’s probably just our youthfulness. And the way our skin glows.”

  Grandma Rainy snorted again. “Or it’s the bull you like to sprinkle in your conversation.” She fixed her stare on Jewel. “Is your headache bad yet?”

  Jewel concentrated on threading her needle and shook her head. “Uh-uh. I’m fine.”

  She felt her grandmother’s stare on her as she knotted the thread, then picked up the bright yellow fabric and began to sew.

  CHAPTER 19

  CAROLINE PUSHED OPEN THE DOOR TO RAINY DAYS AND STEPPED inside. Rainy called out from the kitchen as Caroline maneuvered her way through the piles of handwoven rugs, homemade pottery, and stacks of place mats. She stopped short at the sight of the place mats and picked the top one off the pile to examine it. The little loon signature at the bottom told her it was definitely hers. Crumpling it in her hand, she marched into the kitchen.

  Her words died in her throat as the door swung shut behind her. Rainy and Drew sat cross-legged on the floor, the loon, still with its wing in a white sling that strongly resembled a cloth diaper, waddling awkwardly between them.

  “Oh, look—he’s walking again!”

  Rainy nodded. “Yep. Took the bandage off his leg this morning. Pretty soon he’ll be ready to go swimming in the lake and then take the long flight to the coast. I think his mate has already gone. Jewel said she hasn’t heard anything for a couple of weeks. We’ll have to do it soon, though. Drew tells me the water in the lake is already pretty cold.”

  Caroline forgot the loon for a moment, but remembered to feel mortified in Drew’s presence. She found she couldn’t look at him, because if she did she knew she’d see the pity in his eyes. She didn’t think she could take that. At least she had stopped herself from telling him the whole story. Because if she’d done that, he would be looking at her with pity and a measure of disgust thrown in.

  She held the place mat out to Rainy. “Why is this in your store? I thought I was making them for the athletic club booth.”

  “Yes, well, in your enthusiasm, you seem to have made a lot more than they think will fit in the booth. And they keep coming. You need to find another hobby, girl.” She winked at Caroline as she adjusted the aqua headscarf on her head. “Your mother suggested selling the excess here—all profits go to the athletic fund, of course—and to advertise that the person who’s making the place mats is auctioning off an entire quilt at the Harvest Moon festival.”

  “My mother did that? She didn’t mention it to me.”

  Rainy shrugged before picking up the loon, which had waddled over to her knee and was starting to peck at it. “Yes, well, she knows how you hate to have people make a fuss over you, so she thought she’d just go ahead and do it.”

  “Why would she think something like that?” Caroline crossed her arms across her chest and tried not to notice how Drew was paying close attention.

  “Well, I guess she’s remembering when you used to go to swim meets and you’d tell her to stay home. You said that her being there and fussing over you just made you nervous.”

  She wanted to deny it, but she didn’t want Rainy to call her on a lie, either. She had said that. But only because she wanted her mother to really want to come. If she had, certainly her mother would have overridden Caroline’s objections and shown up at a swim meet. That kind of logic had made so much sense to a fourteen-year-old, but now only appeared like snowflakes on a mountain of misunderstandings.

  Eager to change the subject, Caroline asked, “Have you sold any?”

  Drew stood. “I sold twenty-three as of yesterday. At five bucks apiece, that’s not too shabby. Jewel’s working on a poster with a picture of her mother’s quilt to advertise your auction. Who knows, maybe you alone will be able to fund a whole new stadium just from the proceeds.”

  Her gaze flickered up to meet his and then she just
as quickly moved back to the place mat. “Oh. Wow. That’s good news. I’ll have to remember if I’m ever out of work, I’ll have something to fall back on. It’s a great boredom buster.”

  Even Caroline hated the way she sounded. But seeing Drew here only reminded her of all the things she’d said the day before, and she felt the need to put up walls again. They protected her from prying questions and helped her move on with her life as painlessly as possible.

  Caroline sat down on the floor, attempting to get at eye level with the loon. That way she wouldn’t have to look into the identical expressions of Rainy and Drew. Damn. When had she become so transparent that everybody could see right through her? She watched as the loon waddled toward her, its ungainliness reminding her of something.

  She ignored Rainy and Drew and concentrated on the bird as it practiced walking, her mind churning. Was transparency actually a good thing and something you were entitled to as you grew older? For a brief moment she welcomed it, and even envisioned telling Rainy and Drew all of it. But Rainy’s frail frame and scarf-covered head pulled her back. There was some pain that always needed to be held back, especially if it could only spread around the pain.

  Rainy rested her hand against the top of Caroline’s head, reminding Caroline of the old childhood game of Duck, Duck, Goose. “What should we do with him when he’s better? We could keep him here all winter, you know.”

  Caroline shook her head, seeing things more clearly than she had in a very long time. “No, he needs to go back in the water as soon as he’s able. I don’t want him to forget the feel of it.”

  “No chance of that, I wouldn’t think. He’s born knowing the water; like a human baby knows its mother. Just like we always seem to be drawn back into the family fold, I imagine this ol’ bird is drawn to the water.” Rainy clucked her tongue. “Besides, he’d look silly being a land loon, don’t you think? God knows He was definitely thinking about keeping this clumsy bird in the water when He made him. Boy, oh, boy, can those birds swim.”

  Caroline’s throat had gone dry, which didn’t matter because she didn’t know what to say anyway.

  Rainy saved her by speaking first. “I found a box of Shelby’s clothes while I was looking for Jude’s quilt in the attic. I think she put the box up there after college and I forgot about it. I’m going to give it to Jewel and let her go through it, but I thought I’d let you look first and see if there’s anything you think we could use for the quilt.” She bent to pick up the loon, which went into her arms without complaint. “And there’s some bathing suits with the tags still on them that look about your size, and I remember your mom mentioning to me that you didn’t pack any. They’re yours if you want them. To swim in the pool, of course. Not the lake.”

  Caroline wanted to say no. But then she remembered the feel of the water again, and how she felt as she’d sluiced through it. I’ve missed the water. She gave a brief nod. “Sure. I’ll look through it. Thanks.”

  “It’s in the storeroom. Drew can help you load it into your car when you’re ready to leave.” Rainy reached into the pocket of her overalls and pulled out a tiny collar and leash.

  Drew laughed. “Is that what I think it is?”

  “Yep. How else do you think he’ll get his exercise while he’s recuperating? There’s only so much bird poop I’m willing to clean up off this floor.”

  As if they’d done it many times before, Rainy attached the small collar around the bird’s short neck, then placed him on the floor. Like a small, ungainly dog, he waddled toward the back door and waited for Rainy to open it.

  Rainy put her hand on the knob before turning to face Caroline and Drew. “I’ll be back in about an hour. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  Caroline stood abruptly to protest but found herself staring at a closed door. Too late, she felt the blood rushing from her head and saw pinpricks of blind spots in her vision. Drew’s arms were around her again, and she found herself sitting on his lap at the kitchen table, her head resting in what was becoming a very familiar place.

  “Do you need some water?”

  She shook her head. “No. I’ll be all right in a minute. My medications make me a little woozy sometimes, especially when I stand up too suddenly.”

  “Oh. I thought it was the excitement from Rainy’s suggestion.”

  With a weak hand, she slapped him on his chest.

  “Hey, I thought you were supposed to be nice to me.”

  She sat up. “Did my mother tell you that?”

  “Yes—accidentally. When I brought you home yesterday and you went into your room to change, she asked me how our day was. Since it would be hard to lie about you landing in the lake, seeing as how you carried your clothes in a wet bundle, I told her what happened. That’s when she mentioned that you were trying to be nice to me.”

  Feeling completely recovered, Caroline extricated herself from his lap and sat down across the table from him. She smoothed the table runner so she wouldn’t have to look in his face. “Did she mention why?”

  He sat up, putting his elbows on the table. “Does there have to be an ulterior motive to be nice to me?”

  She tried to hold back, but it was so hard where he was concerned. “Yes. There does.”

  He laughed and sat back in his chair. “So why would you be trying to be nice to me? And I’d give you a failing grade for yesterday, by the way.”

  She continued straightening the runner that was already without a single crease. I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being. She tried to forget him saying those words, him holding her close, and his lips on her hair. She tried to find her walls again, but they seemed to have acquired large portholes that offered a clear view of the other side. Why was he so intent on destroying her defenses? It was time he learned that he wasn’t the only one with an agenda.

  “I’d like to know why you won’t consider letting me try to sell your furniture ideas. It could be very lucrative—for both of us. I’m now the company’s comptroller. If I brought in the kind of money I think your stuff will, I’d probably end up as CFO. And your name would be on every piece, so you’d still be recognized as the artist. Of course, these are just my preliminary ideas—I’d need to talk to my boss to work it out—but I’m sure a licensing agreement would certainly be the best thing for both of us.”

  Silently he watched her, and she tried not to squirm under his scrutiny. “And that’s what you want? To be CFO?”

  She nodded, feeling a small spark of hope.

  “Are there any other goals that you want in life? Anything besides being CFO of Kobylt Brothers Furniture?”

  She felt the same spark fizzle and die. Of course he wouldn’t cooperate. Whatever had made her think that he would? Did she for one minute believe that his sympathy for her yesterday would translate to letting her have her way today? Of course not. And, on some level that she didn’t really want to explore, she liked him for that.

  She swallowed before answering, knowing it would be fruitless to lie. “No.”

  He just sat there, staring at her, his eyes unreadable. Finally he said, “Then I can’t help you.” He stood and carefully placed his chair under the table.

  Caroline stood, too, trying to breathe out the anger through her nostrils as Dr. Northcutt had taught her. “Why? Why are you so opposed to a little success?”

  He came to stand in front of her, their bodies almost touching. “Because there’s more to life than success and money. So much more. I made a huge mistake with Shelby. For all intents and purposes I abandoned her and Jewel.” He paused for a moment and swallowed. “Did you know that before Shelby died I had no idea what Jewel’s favorite color was or that she didn’t like macaroni and cheese? I didn’t know the name of her best friend or her fifth-grade teacher. I didn’t even know that she had to sleep with a night-light because she was afraid of the dark.” He kept his voice steady and even, as if he’d had this same conversation with himself hundreds of
times.

  “I didn’t know these things because I was busy pursuing the things my father had always taught me were more important than anything—success and money. And I always thought I had a good excuse for turning from my wife and daughter to pursue success. But in the end, excuses didn’t matter.” He turned away and walked to the refrigerator and jerked the door open, glass bottles shaking. He stared inside sightlessly. “Did you know that I wasn’t with Shelby when she died? I stayed back in Charleston—catching up on paperwork, of all things. I don’t think I could have saved her, but I could have saved Jewel from the trauma of being alone with her mother when it happened. Of almost drowning by trying to bring her mother’s body in to shore.” He let the door shut before briefly resting his forehead against the white metal.

  Slowly he turned to face her. “She’s afraid of the water, you know.”

  Caroline found her voice. “I know. She told me. She said Shelby had once said to her to find the one thing that she’s most afraid of and do it. So she swims.”

  His cheek twitched into an almost-smile. “Yeah. That’s exactly how Shelby lived her life.” He moved back to the table and stood in front of her again. “What are you most afraid of, Caroline Collier?”

  She felt the shallowness of her breathing and focused on filling her lungs slowly. She could tell he was noticing her efforts and it made her angry. “You go first. What about you? Are you afraid that you’ve given up everything that you loved to come here, and have found that it’s not enough? Do you really want to run a little country store and make one-of-a-kind furniture pieces for the rest of your life? Will it make you happy?”

  He drew back as if she’d struck him. “My daughter is my focus now. If I can make sure she grows up into a physically and emotionally secure woman, then everything will have been worth it.”

  Caroline didn’t back away, and a fleeting thought reminded her that she’d learned it from him. “She’s the one who fights her demons every morning by swimming in the lake. What have you done? And don’t think for one minute that she’s not aware that all of your sacrifices were about her—or that it hurts her to know that you haven’t found what you’re looking for.”