Then She Roars

by Vanessa Evetts

  “In the lake?” Harry asked. “You know how cold it is, right?”

  “Not where I swim,” I answered.

  “We don't have our togs,” he protested.

  “Who needs them?” I winked.

  Harry followed me past the changing rooms and towards the water. I kicked off my shoes and reached down to slide my dress over my head revealing my lacy underwear. I did a little shimmy for his benefit.

  “My god, Avery. What are you trying to do to me?”

  “Don’t worry, Prince. The cold water will sort you out.” I stepped into the water, digging my feet into the hot sand. “You coming?” I didn’t wait for an answer before diving in.

  It was blimmin’ freezing – he was right about that. I made my way back to the shallows to warm up, watching as Harry followed my lead and stripped down to his underwear. His Superman underwear.

  “Love the undies,” I said, floating on my tummy so I could hover over the thermal heat rising out of the sand.

  “I bought them for the occasion.” He did a slow spin, so I could take it all in. “Like what you see?”

  “Very much.” I dipped my chin under the water just in case I started drooling. Holy heck.

  “Dang, that sand is boiling.” He hopped from one foot to the other.

  “That’s what makes it special. Haven’t you been to Taupo before?”

  Harry shook his head.

  “There’ll be lots of firsts for you then. Dive in, then come back and lie with me.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  He broke the surface swearing blue murder. I couldn’t help laughing. “Come over here, Superman. I’ll warm you up.”

  He dragged his perfect form through the water and dropped on top of me.

  I flailed and spluttered as he lifted me out of the water. “You dork! It’s blimmin’ hot under there.”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t my smoothest move. Sorry, babe.”

  “Babe?” I queried, unsure whether I liked it or not. It seemed very … ‘more than this weekend’, which is all that I’d signed up for. Of course, he didn’t know that.

  “Yup, you got a problem with me calling you ‘babe’? I could always try ‘muffin’ or ‘darling’ or ‘hot stuff’.”

  “Are they my only options?”

  He tugged me into his arms and out into deeper water. I wrapped my legs around him, cocooned in his heat. “The name doesn’t matter, as long as you’re mine.”

  Babe. Mine.

  I leant back, spread my arms wide and rested my head on the surface of the water, losing myself in the echo of his claim.

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  His words made me forget the water’s temperature and the commitment I’d made not to fall head over heels for this man who held me. It was too late, and right now, I didn’t care.

  He pressed a hungry kiss to my neck as I rose from the water and laid my palm on his beating chest.

  “Thank you,” I breathed. What for? I couldn’t have answered if he’d asked, the list was too long. It was everything. He was everything.

  He slid his hand around my neck, tucked his fingers into my hair and whispered into the air between us. “Don’t hold back.”

  I closed the gap with urgency, his desires – his need to be closer, to fall deeper – colliding with my own. It was all or nothing, and nothing wasn’t an option. I welcomed the blessed silence as we kept each other warm in the freezing night. Harry drew me further into the fantasy, and it was worth every heartache, every doubt, every hesitation.

  This moment, wrapped in his passionate embrace, made me think maybe what was building between us was worth my final goodbye.

  I dove further into Harry as sadness fought its way into my thoughts. My heart, so high on joy, began to unravel. I tasted my tears, but refused to pull myself away from him, from this moment where I could live, really live without death knocking at my door.

  “Avery—”

  I tasted the whisper on his lips before I heard it.

  “No.” Desperation clawed at me. I claimed his lips as if it was the last time, as if it was my last. The thoughts were coming hard and fast now, as were the tears.

  Harry drew back, lowered me to my feet and lifted my chin so he could study my face, his own wracked with concern.

  “Babe, what’s wrong?”

  “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” I pressed desperate kisses to his skin.

  Harry took control and lowered his mouth to mine for one final offering, then drew back and held me firm. “I’ll wait if this is too fast – I can wait.”

  I wish I had the time to be worried about moving too fast.

  Oh God. What’ve I done? I’ve let him imagine a future.

  Not this weekend, Avery Bishop – you shut her up. You hear me? You’re Sandy – this weekend you’re Sandy!

  I raised my eyes to his and Abi’s roar filled my ears.

  ‘Choose life … go after the things that bring you joy,’ Dr Privit had said. “Harry … babe … I don’t want to wait or go slow – I want this.” I tucked myself into him, sliding my arms up his muscular back until my palms reached over his shoulders. I had to lean my head right back to look up at him, and what I saw sucked the breath out of me.

  “I think I love you,” I whispered, shocking myself with the heartfelt admission.

  Harry’s response was silent, yet potent. He lifted me off my feet and took me to paradise. Here I was, Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, standing in the rain kissing the man she loved, yet couldn’t have. Harry was my Noah. My forever. My one.

  I didn’t hold back. Dr Privit would’ve been proud of me.

  Ten minutes later, we arrived at the changing rooms to find they were locked. This is the part the romantic movies don’t show you. The part where you’re freezing to death after a romantic moment in the rain … or lake, in our case. The part that makes you regret the stupid decision to get into your underwear on a cold night and jump into a giant body of water.

  “Babe, here.” He backed me into a corner, then stretched out his jacket like a curtain. “Strip off and put your dress on.”

  I was too cold to argue. “No peeking.” I raised my finger in warning. Yes, he got the finger.

  “I wouldn’t dare.” He spun around and held his arms out wide again. The jacket shook as he jogged on the spot to keep warm.

  When it was his turn, he didn’t tell me not to peek and I couldn’t resist. “You didn’t tell me you had tattoos.”

  The design weaved itself over the top of his thigh, and across his left cheek. “That looks traditional; where did you get it done?”

  He slid into his slacks, picked up his shirt and turned to face me. “In Samoa. I worked over there for a while.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Paediatric surgery,” he answered while buttoning up his shirt as if it wasn’t a big deal.

  “When? For how long?” I offered him his jacket.

  “I lived there off and on for four years.” He shook his head, rejecting the jacket, then turned me around so I could slide my arms into it.

  “Four years? Wow, have you ever been back?”

  “I go back twice a year for month-long clinics.” Again, he said it as if it was something normal.

  “That's amazing, Harry. I had no idea.” I reached for his hand. “So, you got the tattoo while you lived there?”

  “Yeah, it was at the end of my second year. I’d just operated on a seven-year-old girl with a brain tumour. They’d come in from one of the villages to get the surgery. Turns out she was the chief’s granddaughter. He gave me the tat as a thank you.”

  “That's a really big deal, Harry.”

  “Yeah, it was, and it friggin’ hurt!”

  I grimaced. “Is it as bad as it looks in the movies?”

  “Worse,” he answered as we crossed the road and entered our resort. “Thank God for kava is all I’ll say.”

  “Well, you’re braver than me,” I said. I’d always wanted a tat
too but had never made it a priority.

  “I don’t know about that. There’s a fire in you that scares the hell out of me,” he answered opening the front door and chucking our balled-up underwear into the corner of the bathroom. I stepped around him, opened the door to our private thermal spa and turned on the tap.

  “That’s my lioness,” I answered.

  He followed me into the lounge as I opened my bag and pulled out my togs.

  “I’m going to wear these; it’s up to you if you follow suit. I’ve already had a good look at your butt – just saying …” I slid into the bathroom to get changed.

  “What’s your lioness?” He asked through the door.

  I smiled. “She’s my courage, my strength. The voice inside my head that tells me that even when life gets hard, I should raise my head and put on my sexy shoes anyway. Sometimes I silence her, but I’m much happier when she’s got a voice.”

  “The red-soled ones?”

  I laughed. “You’ve got it.”

  “What else does she tell you?”

  I opened the door. He was in his board shorts, leaning against the doorframe.

  “She’s a big fan of yours.” I trailed my hand down his torso as I walked past him and climbed into the spa.

  He followed my lead. “Well, in that case, don’t silence her.”

  He lifted me onto his lap and moved into the middle of the pool. I wrapped my legs around him and brushed my lips over his. “It’s too late; she’s taken full control.”

  Harry’s eyes sparked, then he dove into the wild with me.

  24

  I woke first the next morning and marvelled at the man who’d captured my heart. When I moved to slide out of bed, Harry roused and drew me against him, his arms tucking me into his bare chest. We fit perfectly.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered.

  I laced my fingers in his and scooted back until there was nowhere to go. I couldn’t get close enough; I needed all of him. He tucked his knees under my thighs to trap me in place.

  “We’ve got to get ready; I made plans,” I said while refusing to make any attempt to move from his embrace.

  He pressed his lips to my bare shoulder, then flipped me over so we were chest to chest.

  His skin prickled under my delicate touch as I traced my fingertips down his spine.

  “You said last night, ‘I think I love you.’ ”

  The echo of my words on his lips threatened to expose me. But what was the point in hiding when he was offering me everything I wanted? I raised myself on one elbow and nodded.

  “I don’t think—”

  I interrupted him before he could finish. “You don’t think what?”

  “I don’t think … I love you.”

  As the words came out of his mouth, my stomach dropped. “What?”

  It was ridiculous that I expected him to love me. It was ridiculous that I’d fallen in love with a stranger – a man who had a whole life that didn’t include me – a man who didn’t even know my secrets. But I did. Disappointment came at me with a machete.

  Harry touched his hand to my chin and lifted my eyes to his. “Avery, I don’t think I love you,” he said and something in his expression, in his smile, hit pause on my heart’s freedive.

  “I know,” he added. “Avery, I know I love you.”

  “You know?” I pushed off his chest to sit.

  He rose off the bed, his chest bare and irresistible, and pulled me onto his lap. “I know.”

  I raised a palm to his face and studied the agonizing truth in his eyes. I was powerless to stop the first tears falling.

  “Oh God. What’ve I done?” The words echoed in my ears, answering every warning. I sat back on his legs and brushed the tears from my cheeks. “You can’t love me, Harry. This is just about the weekend. You can’t love me. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

  “Avery. What’s going on with you? I’m getting whiplash. Do you want this? Me?” He shifted underneath me so he could lean against the wall.

  “Yes.” I shook my head contradicting my own words.

  “No, or yes?”

  “Yes, more than anything.” My eyes glistened with heartbreak. “But … it’s complicated.”

  “You promised you wouldn’t hold back.” He lowered his hands to my hips.

  “I know, I …”

  “What is it? What are you so afraid of?”

  “It's not that easy, Harry. I want to … I just … you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into with me. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Too late for that – I’m all in. Hell, I was invested the first moment I saw you. Seriously, Avery. It can’t be that bad … just tell me.”

  “My life. It’s not … it’s … oh God, I don’t know how to say it, Harry.” The words tumbled out of my mouth, and I threw my head into my hands.

  Harry waited until grief relaxed its grip, then took my hands in his and held them in between us, rubbing his thumbs up and down my skin. He waited until I lifted my face to his, then he leant forward and enveloped me in a kiss. I melted into his arms.

  “Let me be there for you; let me be a part of your whole life. Let me into the dark places, Avery.” Every word was perfect.

  “You’re a big part of it already.” I reached a palm to his face. “You’ve been the calm in my storm.”

  “Funny, ’cause you’ve been the storm in my calm, and I love it.”

  His jovial banter tore at me. “You deserve more than I can offer you.”

  “I’ll take it,” he answered.

  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This is not my life – this is some fantasy weekend we’re having … it’s not real.”

  “It's real to me,” he said. “I’ve never felt like this before. You’re it for me, Avery. You’re mine. I know you feel it; I can see it in your eyes, in the way your body responds to me, and I can see it in your tears.”

  I inhaled his words, wishing I could have all of what he was offering, but I knew it was impossible, and I couldn’t allow him to continue loving me blindly.

  “I can’t have this life.”

  “Why? What are you not telling me, Avery?”

  “It's hard.”

  “I know. Do you think I’ll run? Cause I won’t – I’m too tired for that.”

  “It’s serious,” I countered.

  “I know, Ave. That’s crystal clear.”

  I swallowed my fears and laced my fingers in his. “I’m not afraid you’ll run – I’m afraid you won’t.”

  “What do you want?”

  “It’s not about wants, for me.”

  “Well, let's talk about needs then. I need you!”

  His words ached in my heart. Tell him, then it’s his choice. Sally’s words echoed in my ears. “I should have told you at the beginning; then we wouldn’t be here.”

  “We’d still be here. Every second we’ve spent together or thinking about each other led us here. Tell me.”

  “I know … I will … I …”

  “Stop hesitating and making excuses. Stop being a coward; just bloody tell me,” he said, his voice raised for the first time, and it shook my lioness awake.

  “I’m sick, Harry. I’m really sick, and I can’t give you anything past this weekend. I can’t be the person you love because I can’t handle the fact that I’ll break you if I die, and I might, Harry. I might die. I don’t know how much time I have, and I can’t carry the burden of worrying about you and trying to fight for my life. I’m not strong enough.”

  “I’ll take it,” he said as if he hadn’t heard what I’d just told him.

  “What do you mean you’ll take it? You’re not listening to me. I have nothing to offer you.”

  “Whatever you have, it’s enough.”

  “No, Harry! It's not enough. Forever wouldn’t be long enough, and you know it.”

  “It has to be because it’s too late. I’m all in; I’ll be broken either way, so I’ll take whatever time we have
.”

  I shook my head in disbelief, blinded by my own tears.

  How the hell does he think this is okay?

  “Harr—” I started.

  He shook his head, muting my protest, then reached up and kissed the tears from my face.

  I wanted to scream, but instead, I let him love me, painfully aware he wasn’t the only one who would break.

  “Listen to me, babe. It has to be enough, because I’ve waited my whole damn life for you. I knew it from the second I laid eyes on you. You made me a believer – in love at first sight – in soul mates and one true love and all that corny stuff. All this time, it’s always been you.”

  How could I deny him? How could I not? I was stuck in no-man’s land vacillating between joy and sadness. How could this moment be so perfect and so devastating at the same time? All I had strength for was him. I lowered my mouth to his and surrendered all my fears. It wouldn’t last, I knew it, but for right now, I was choosing blessed silence and the dream.

  “I have one more thing to say to you,” he whispered as we pulled apart, his face suddenly serious. “This conversation is over. This weekend was about fun and fantasy. We don’t know what life will look like after this, but we know how we feel about each other; we know you’re feeling strong, that your health is good … in this moment?” I saw the unspoken question in his expression and nodded.

  “Good … let's focus on that.”

  “Fun and fantasy,” I repeated.

  He nodded. “Now, didn’t we need to be somewhere?”

  I glanced at my watch, then launched off the bed and started dressing frantically. Harry followed suit and we were out the door in under two minutes.

  Half an hour later we pulled up to the Nzone car park in the Maserati, creating another commotion as we parked over the far end of the car park, well away from the other cars. “This is my brother’s favourite car.”

  “You've got a brother? I didn’t know that.”

  “I haven’t seen him in seven years; he lives in Kenya. He’s loved this car since we were kids, but I don’t think he’s ever seen one in real life.”

  “Seven years – you serious?” he asked as we headed towards the office to check in.

  “The nature of his work makes it really hard to get away.”

  “You weren’t kidding with the ‘Superman, do you like to fly’ comment, were you? I feel ill-prepared.”