The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  Look at that, you’ve learned the spell: Mage Hand

  Mage Hand allows you to use mana to create a semi-corporeal hand up to fifty feet away from you that you are able to control as if it is your own hand. You will feel what it feels, and it will do as you do. The hand is only able to carry up to ten pounds.

  Careena looked exhausted. I felt exhausted. But I had new spells. And I felt good about them. So much so that there were moments that I really wondered if I’d made a mistake going for a rogue class. I hadn’t progressed so far that I couldn’t change, but my life really was built around being a rogue. Magic was just so cool. It was truly Awesome, with a capital A. And, really, I just wanted to do more of it. But that wasn’t the way of the world. Not yet, not for me.

  I thanked Careena, and she waved me away.

  “I still need to make the coin to rent this fabulous shithole,” she said.

  I pulled some gold out of my pouch, and I left it on the table as I exited. I was too tired to bother with counting it, but I hoped it incentivized her to keep teaching me.

  Chapter 129

  When I got back to the apartment building, I found Matthew pacing back and forth in front of his building, and the bakery, muttering to himself and looking like everything in the world was wrong.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “And where’s Godfrey?”

  He grabbed me and steered me to the bakery.

  “Unlock it,” he said.

  I did, a little concerned, but also trusting him.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as he marched me inside, shutting the door behind us.

  He did a quick sweep of the place, looking for any eavesdroppers, but the place was empty. And starting to smell just a little musty. Made me think I needed to get a tenant or something in there. A problem to address after I attempted to save the Emperor’s life. Who knows? Maybe he knew a guy.

  “Things are moving quickly,” he said, his eyes still darting around. “I can get you to the palace, and my contact can guide you to the Emperor, but you will have to be very careful. Valamir has his men everywhere now. There was some scandal with the Thingmen last night. Surely a lie, but it has to do with an ooze, a big fight, and civilian casualties.”

  “I might have had something to do with all of that,” I said softly.

  “You did what?”

  “The ooze was chasing me, so I led it to the palace, and then left the soldiers to take care of it.”

  “The ooze is not the unrealistic portion of the event. The Thingmen got into a bit of a spat with some of Valamir’s men, and it overflowed into a nearby tavern. That resulted in a number of injuries to the public, as well as seven people who died. The Thingmen were blamed, whether or not they were actually to blame for the deaths, it has now been laid on him. Valamir has been working to get his soldiers in place and the Thingmen out for months. Probably even years. The Thingmen are only beholden to the Emperor, so everyone has a certain level of fear for them. And this Emperor has used them,” Matthew stopped, and really seemed to mull over his word choice before continuing, “unwisely in the past. The populace has never been on their side, and Valamir has played this perfectly. As soon as the Emperor dies, the Thingmen are going to be rounded up and killed. I am betting on it. Godfrey, for his part, is still attempting to get to his brother, as the Thingmen are not allowing any non-members into their fortress at the far north of the Imperial Grounds.”

  “So I should watch out in the palace.”

  “You must be seen and unseen in the palace.”

  “Well that’s the stupidest bit of advice you could have given me.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Honestly have no idea.”

  “You need to be a servant there, to be seen as a servant and nothing more. But you can’t be a servant who’s taken a side. You must slip in and out. Seen but—”

  “Forgotten.”

  “Yes. Better phrasing.”

  “Okay. So how am I doing this?”

  “Through the kitchen. You will go up to the palace. There’s a café near the main square of the palace called The Swung Cat.”

  “The Swung—”

  “Make pithy comments later,” Matthew interrupted. “You will meet a man there who will have an official uniform for you, and he will escort you into the kitchen. From there, you will work in the kitchen until it is time to deliver a meal to the Emperor. You’ll deliver the meal. He is expecting you.”

  “Then what?”

  “Tell him what you told me. Give him the papers. Whatever else happens at that point, I don’t know. It is ultimately up to the Emperor.”

  “Is he a reasonable guy?”

  “I have no idea. I’ve never met him. I admit to feeling some jealousy, but only some. Do not mention me to anyone from this point on. I have used favors for this, but I cannot be traced back to being part of this. Else—”

  “I get it. You’re not back.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Should I wait for Godfrey to get here?”

  “Why?”

  “See what he has to say about his brother?”

  “His brother the Thingman? At this point, it is more likely they will be a hindrance to you than a help.”

  “Okay, so, I guess I’m headed north.”

  Matthew pulled a small medallion from a pouch at his side, and held it up to me.

  “A family heirloom for you to borrow,” he said. “It will shield your true nature from those who might take a look.”

  “It hides my character sheet?”

  “It gives you a different one.”

  “That’s amazing!”

  He nodded. I took it and put it around my neck.

  Naturally, I had to check my character sheet.

  Nestor Falstolfe - Lvl 8 Stevedore

  Traits

  Race: Elf

  That was cool.

  “May the LuckMother shine on you,” Matthew said.

  “Thanks,” I said, not exactly sure how to respond.

  You have been offered a quest by Matthew Gallifrey:

  To Save an Emperor

  Get to the Emperor and tell him of the assassination plot. Give him the evidence.

  Reward for success: Unknown. XP

  Penalty for failure (or refusal): loss of trust and friendship of Matthew Gallifrey, Titus Calpernus, and others.

  Yes/No

  I accepted the quest, then nodded.

  He clapped me on the shoulder, and then walked off.

  Chapter 130

  Before going uptown, I went into my apartment and took everything off. I dressed in my most basic gear, the set of clothes I’d gotten on arrival. The fit was a little different these days, I’d gotten a fair bit of muscle, and actually seemed to have grown an inch or so. But they definitely helped me blend into the crowd as a plebe. I also left all my weapons behind, save one very normal iron dagger. Money went into the trapped coin drawer, except for five gold which I kept for carriage rides and a coffee or three while I waited.

  Thusly outfitted with none of my usual gear, feeling somewhat naked and afraid, I went north.

  I walked along the streets in Old Town, just taking a minute, when I realized Leofing was strolling alongside.

  “Afternoon,” I said.

  “You have a quest,” he replied.

  “I suppose I do.”

  “I will accompany you.”

  “Don’t think that’s a wise idea,” I said.

  “It is a great idea.”

  “No, really isn’t. I’m going into the Imperial Palace.”

  “I am looking forward to seeing it.”

  “You won’t get in.”

  “I have more tricks than you realize.”

  “I’m sneaking in, and you’re wearing shiny gold armor—”

  “It’s burnished gold, thank you.”

  “Whatever. It’s blinding people as we walk. And you sound like you’ve got a bunch of pots and pans in your pack.”

  “I h
ave my cooking kit in there. I wasn’t sure where we were going.”

  “I am going to the palace. You should stay here.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I stopped walking and looked the knight in the eye.

  “I appreciate you being here for me,” I said. “I really do. I have no idea why you’re doing it, but I’m glad you are—”

  “Thank you.”

  “But this is something I need to do on my own. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of nonsense things you can save me from in the future. For now, keep the people in our buildings safe. Okay?”

  He nodded.

  “I am still indebted for you saving my life,” he said. “It is not something I lightly forget.”

  He put his gauntleted hand on my shoulder, and I felt a very comforting warmth.

  You have been granted the Blessing of Mokoš.

  Until the next dawn, you gain +20% HP. Creatures of darkness will have increased difficulty noticing you.

  “Good luck,” he said.

  I nodded, and he turned around and walked away. I watched him for a minute, and then continued on to my goal. As soon as I got to the Via Praetorum, the north-south avenue, I looked to the north and saw the palace. It was huge, looming over everything else around it. Maybe because I felt there was something special about the day, I took more time to look around at the city. At the people. Everyone else was just going on with their daily lives, and I wondered how I’d managed to get out of a normal hum-drum existence. How had I managed to slip into the epic side of things?

  Just lucky, I suppose.

  The type of people I encountered changed as I made my way uptown, going from lower-class working stiffs to posh bureaucrats. Matthew had been right about things, because around the palace, I noticed Valamir’s troops being far more numerous and evident than ever before. They were easy to spot, with dark blue tabards and blue accents on their weapons. I even saw two soldiers in full plate that had been blued in some fashion.

  No one gave me a second look. I was just another rando gawking at the Imperial Palace. Which was a thing to gawk at. Massive staircases, soaring columns, mountains of mined stone put to work making a beautiful structure.

  The direct area in front of the palace was largely ornamental and ceremonial, grounds no one was willing to sully with something so base as a coffee shop or tavern. But a single street away, there was no such compunction, and I saw a greater variety of food, drink, and commerce there than in just about any district I’d visited in the city. All of it was geared to those who had money. Booksellers, fine clothiers, exotic pets (which notably did not include grimelings), alchemists, and, naturally, wine. All the things that the contemporary Glatonese noble needed.

  I found the cafe in question, the rather horribly named “Swung Cat,” a few streets away from the palace. It sat on a small square that had been blocked off to vehicular traffic by a statue of a woman warrior with one foot resting up high on the gruesome head of some monster I never want to meet. It was a nice place, small metal tables, tiny cups of Glatonese coffee, and a variety of biscuits that sat on pristinely decorated plates. It was certainly the dream location for any toddler’s tea party.

  I walked inside, ignored the snide looks at my dress, and paid for my coffee with gold, which seemed to placate the owner somewhat. Then I took a seat at one of the tables outside. I drank very sparingly of the coffee, partly because I wanted to stretch it out and partly because it tasted like it had been made of ground up and roasted ass. The cookie was delicious, so I ate that very quickly. I did try dipping it in the coffee, which improved the taste of the coffee and had a rather disappointing effect on the cookie.

  I took some time to people watch, a time-honored pastime in my previous home, and one I enjoyed here as well. There was certainly a greater diversity to folks here as opposed to the Big Apple. Which is quite the statement, but while New York City was, perhaps, the greatest melting pot on Earth, it still doesn’t come close to the wide range of humanoids on the streets of Glaton on any given day.

  Hulking minotaurs walking by in massive suits of armor. Sleek elves nodding as they passed me, stout dwarves with huge bushy beards. I watched as people would go up to the statue in the middle, put their hands on the woman’s foot, pretty much the only portion of her a normal sized person could reach, and whisper things. Then they’d put a coin or two into a slot on the base of the statue. I guess prayers to whomever the person represented.

  A woman sat down in the chair in front of me, without me noticing. I didn’t even have the slightest sense of her approach. Beyond being very sneaky, she was devastatingly beautiful. Perfection, not just symmetry. Nothing was out of place, every aspect of her face, body, hair, everything just went together seamlessly. Her hair was the right color, fitting exactly what you expected her eyes to look like which were under perfectly arched eyebrows which framed her eyes flawlessly. Every single strand of hair was where it should be, there wasn’t a fleck of dried or dead skin anywhere on her, and her clothes seemed to flow as if a slight breeze followed her everywhere she went.

  “You are an interesting one,” she said.

  I opened my mouth a time or two, each time totally sure I was about to say something. But I had nothing.

  “I see his interest in you is warranted,” she continued, as if I wasn’t sitting across from her gulping like a landed fish. “I would not normally engage one such as you, but there is something different here. Your actions are…” she paused while she searched for a word. But I had the distinct feeling she was doing it purely for effect, that she knew exactly what it was she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. “unusual. But know they are appreciated.”

  “Thank you?” I finally croaked out.

  “It is I who should be thanking you,” she said. “And to think you slipped by unnoticed by anyone. Though I must wonder if that’s exactly true. This is a larger competition than I have seen in the past, I fear the true number of players is impossible to gauge. But, then again, that’s neither here nor there for you. You have no need to know any of this, nor,” she touched a nail to her chin and tapped it twice, as if having a thought, “do I believe it is allowed. A slip of the tongue.”

  She smiled at me, and I felt my knees go weak, my arms heavy.

  Suppose I was glad not to have a belly full of mom’s spaghetti at that point, though my stomach was a little woozy.

  “Who are you?” I asked, meek.

  “A friend of a friend,” she said. “At least, that’s all I am for now. For the time being, I wanted to meet you. See you in the flesh, if you will. But, I think it might be time for you to wake up. Someone’s here for you.”

  Chapter 131

  My head snapped up as if I’d been taking a nap, and I saw a man sitting down across from me. Exactly where the woman had been. Bizarre. I looked around trying to catch sight of the woman, but there no one around. Well, no ridiculously perfect woman. Just the other random citizens of the city.

  The man looked at me, one eyebrow arching slightly. He had pale skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and was a bit pudgy. Clean shaven, clean clothes, close trimmed nails. Just an average dude.

  “Asleep drinking coffee?” he asked. “That is a new one. Are you Clyde?”

  “I am,” I replied, blinking a few times and rubbing my eyes.

  “Are you going to fall asleep again?”

  “I hope to at some point. But that wasn’t a normal sleep.”

  “Were you drugged?”

  I looked down at the half-a-cup of coffee in front of me and swirled it around as if I could somehow see the poison or drug inside. I checked my character sheet to see if there was any sort of drugged debuff or something along those lines, but everything I saw said I was healthy and fine.

  “No,” I said slowly,“I think I had a vision or something.”

  “Try and keep that shit handled where we’re going,” he said, getting to his feet.

  “Do you have a name?” I asked, standing to follow hi
m.

  “Not that you need,” he replied.

  He moved quickly through the streets, as if he was well-practiced making his way through them. It was routine to him, and he didn’t bother to look at any of the sights on the sides of the street. Not the people, not the stores, and certainly not the buildings. I couldn’t help myself — it was all interesting. A few times, I lost sight of him, and then he’d show up next to me and tell me to keep up, to move faster.

  We went past the main entrance to the palace, past the huge outbuildings and along the wall before finally getting to a small manned gate where three Imperial guards monitored everyone arriving and leaving the palace. It wasn’t a flow of people, there were just a few. And the guards seemed to know everyone.

  “New one?” the guard asked my anonymous buddy.

  “Nephew,” my buddy said. “My sister thinks he needs a job.”

  “Hope he can carry a tray.”

  “Can you carry a tray?”

  “Yes, sir,” I replied, dutifully playing the part I thought I needed.

  “At least he’s got that part right,” the guard said, and waved us through.

  We went through a thick wall onto the grounds of the palace. The grounds, even as visible from the service entrance, were opulent beyond anything I’d experienced. There was an expansive cultivated garden as far as I could see in one direction, then massive ornate palaces in the other.

  “This way,” my guide said, “and quickly. At this rate, we’ll be late, and your visit might vanish.”

  I stayed right on his heels this time, realizing I’d have to visit the Imperial Palace another time to see the sights. I needed to focus. We went along a gravel path for about a hundred yards before descending a set of stairs into a lit hallway.

  We sped through a maze of turns before coming to something along the lines of a locker room. The guide pulled a uniform out of a closet and shoved it toward me.