In a way, my predicament isn’t as complicated as his. At least I know what I want. I want a lifestyle that includes me being little for some percentage of time. I’ve learned that it comforts me to let go of responsibility and let someone else be in charge outside of the bedroom.
I don’t envy what Master Grayson is going through. I don’t think he honestly considered the possibility that he might be a switch until this weekend. It’s a lot to soak in even if we ignore the elephant in the room.
I wish there was some way I could impress upon him that I don’t mind. It didn’t bother me at all. I don’t think his submitting makes him any less of a Dom. To me, he’s my Master. If his relationship with anyone else looks different, why would I step in the way? It’s no different from the fact that he’s not a Daddy. So, we both have a new kink we’d like to explore, and we need other people to fulfill that craving. The question is, can we survive without it? What if we don’t find someone? What if it means we need two different someones?
I know I’ve held my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself more than Master Grayson, but I’m fuming inside about how stubborn Master Quinten was. I’m still shell shocked that he actually let us walk away. It’s mind boggling. The man so blatantly cared about us as far more than a random weekend couple he was helping out. I know it. We all three know it. And yet, he let us walk away without a word.
I have to let it go and move on. There is no other choice. It doesn’t matter that he was the first man to make me feel truly special as a little. It doesn’t matter that there is a hole in my heart today that seems like it will never be filled again. It doesn’t matter that Master Grayson is suffering too. We have to move on. One day at a time.
Master Grayson and I seem to have a new dynamic to face, too. He’s still my Master. There is no doubt about that. But, when someone is around who is a Dom to him, the water could get muddy. I think of it as a sort of hierarchy. Like how in a big office someone might be my boss, but they have a boss over them and so on. My boss’s boss might order my boss around, but that doesn’t make him any less in charge of me.
I think Master Grayson is struggling with this concept, and I want him to have every opportunity to figure it out. If that means setting up some scenes at Surrender with Doms or Dommes, I’m all in favor of it.
The two men discuss work for a few minutes, and then Master Grayson comes over and kisses me. He holds my gaze for several seconds before leaving for work. Master Kellen follows him out of the room. I assume he’s walking him to the front door, but I hear him asking if there’s anything special Master Grayson requests regarding me.
I don’t get to hear the answer, but I shift in my seat, wondering what sort of instructions Master Grayson might have given.
“I like your dress,” Sabine whispers as soon as the men are out of earshot.
I smile at her. “Thank you. Sorry, I, uh…”
She smiles big and waves a hand in my direction. “Don’t even worry. I know you needed to hear what they were saying. That’s why I didn’t speak up sooner.”
“Thank you.” I finish my apples and reach for my milk.
“I just want you to know that I understand how you must be feeling today, and I would never judge you for whatever decision you make. If you want to be little while you’re here, you can do that, but if you want to be big, I’d understand that, too. I’m not sure I could work while I’m little, especially since I’m still new to it myself.”
“Thank you again. That means a lot to me.”
Master Kellen returns to the kitchen. “Are you girls done eating?”
“Yes, Sir,” we both respond.
He wipes Sabine’s hands and face before lifting her out of her booster seat.
He does the same for me next, and I’m reminded that Master Grayson isn’t the kind of Dom who would ever be able to do these kinds of things for me. I know he’s trying hard to make sure I get what I crave, but he isn’t Daddy material in every sense of the word.
I worry that we will slowly grow apart no matter how much we care about each other. Without a third person in our relationship, we can’t possibly meet each other’s needs. And even though Master Quinten acted like we had a simple solution right at our fingertips—find a third—I know it’s far from easy. We could go years without finding someone who could mesh with us. And besides, we already did. He turned us down.
“Sabine, why don’t you take Josie up to your room for a while? I’m sure she could use a friend. Come back down in about an hour. Josie can get to work, and I’ve got several things lined up for you.”
Sabine’s face lights up. “Thank you, Daddy.” She wraps her arms around his middle and hugs him tightly.
This is an unexpected turn of events for me, and I gladly take the opportunity to spend some time alone with Sabine. I need to talk about what’s going on in my mind. I’m confused and scared. I don’t have the kind of friends I could call and dump this on. Except for Lucy and Sabine, I don’t know other littles personally, and anyone outside of the lifestyle would probably think I’ve lost a few marbles.
I follow Sabine upstairs and into her room. I love this room. It’s similar to the one Master Quinten has in his house, and I miss it already. After just two nights, I was already attached to…well, everything, not just the room.
Sabine jumps up onto her daybed and shoves back to lean against the pile of pillows at her back, patting the space next to her. “Want to sit with me?” Her voice is normal now. Not the voice she uses with Master Kellen.
I cross the room and take her up on the offer. I blow out a long breath as I smooth my hands over the hem of my yellow dress. I chose it because it’s sunny and I thought I might feel stronger and bolder in it.
I thread my fingers together and set them in my lap.
“Do you want to talk about it? How was your weekend with Master Quinten? He seems so…serious.”
I turn my head to smile at her. “Do you mean old?”
She shrugs. “Sort of?”
I nod. “He is. I mean, I guess. He’s forty-five. But it’s kind of dreamy because he’s so sure of himself. He never seems to doubt his decisions. He’s firm and demanding but also fair and understanding.” I might cry. I have to swallow back my emotions.
“So…did you figure anything out? I mean, you’re here wearing little clothing, so I assume…”
I shrug. I’m not willing to share everything that happened with her or with anyone. I can’t even process it myself. It seems strange to admit I fell for the psychologist and I’m pissed that he didn’t keep us. “Sort of. I guess there’s no denying I’m interested in the lifestyle, but that revelation comes with a pile of problems, so I’m not sure it’s helpful. It might actually have done more harm than good, ya know?”
“How’s that?”
“Because Master Grayson isn’t the Daddy type, so where does that leave us?”
Sabine sighs. “Yeah. That’s a problem.”
“And on top of that,” I glance at the door and then lower my voice to a whisper as if anyone would be listening or it mattered, “Master Grayson is apparently a switch.”
Sabine’s eyes widen. “So, he, uh, submitted to Master Quinten?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“Was that weird?”
I shrug nonchalantly, as if it’s no big deal. In a way I’m not kidding. I’m okay with Master Grayson being a switch. That’s not a lie. I’m just so furious with Master Quinten that it’s clouding everything I say. “Surprisingly, not really. I didn’t mind at all. But now what? I certainly can’t dominate Master Grayson, and he can’t be a Daddy to me.” Master Quinten could. Dammit.
“Shit.” Sabine slaps a hand over her mouth and then glances at the door. She’s not permitted to cuss. “So, now what?” she whispers.
I blow out a long breath. For some reason, I’m not ready to talk about my feelings for Master Quinten or the truth of what really happened this weekend. I stick to the facts. “I don’t know. Master Quinten thi
nks we need a third. That may be true, but it’s a monumental task. How the heck are we supposed to find the perfect Dom who can be a Daddy to me and a Master to Grayson?”
“So that’s why Master Grayson is meeting with Master Roman and Master Julius.”
“Yes.” I lift my gaze. “What am I going to do if we can’t figure this out?” Unwelcome tears fall and I swipe at them. The tears are so much more than worrying about finding a third. I don’t care about finding a third. We already found a third. I’m not even interested in looking for another one. It’s the furthest thing from my mind and sounds absurd even mentioning, but it’s at least truthful.
Sabine pulls me into her embrace. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”
I sniffle. “I’m sad.” There’s no other way to put it. Suddenly, the dam breaks. Why am I hiding the truth from Sabine? She’s offering to console me and I’m holding back. “And…I’m kinda mad at Master Quinten,” I confess.
She holds me at arm’s length. “Why’s that?”
“Because I wanted him to keep us. I know he was just playing a role, helping us figure things out, but it seemed so real, and I wanted him to be my Daddy.” More tears fall at my confession. I’m oversimplifying but at least it’s out there now.
“Oh, Josie. I’m so sorry. That sucks.”
“It really does.”
After a few minutes, I take a deep breath and straighten myself. I glance down at my clothes and back at Sabine. “I don’t think I want to be little today. I don’t feel like it.”
She nods. “Of course. Do what makes you comfortable.”
I slide off the bed and hug her one more time. “Thanks for listening to me. And for not judging me. I appreciate it. You’re a good friend.”
She frowns as she joins me standing on the floor. “Why would I judge you?”
I shrug. “For not wanting to be little today. That must seem weird to you. You’re little all the time. I can’t find that in me right now.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m not going to work. If I were, I don’t think I could concentrate as my little self. I’d need to keep it separate. Also, I never thanked you for not judging me the day we met.”
I draw my brows together, trying to remember the specifics.
“I was so nervous meeting you. And I was rude. And Master Kellen removed my dress, spanked me, and put me in the corner. I couldn’t imagine what you were thinking.”
I reach out and hug her yet again. “I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was jealous. I was jealous and horny. My panties were wet watching you.”
She leans back and gasps. “Seriously?”
I flush as I nod. “Not sure I could have articulated it yet that day, but you made me think.”
She scrunches up her face. “Seems like my part in this wasn’t very helpful then.”
I smile at her. “It might be messy right now, but I wouldn’t change my two days with Master Quinten for the world. I found a side of myself I didn’t know, and I like her. I’m not pleased with Master Quinten, and my life is in turmoil, but I couldn’t have gone without knowing. It was weighing on me.”
“You’ll figure it all out. I know you will.”
I nod and offer a doubtful smile. “I’m gonna go change and get to work.”
“Okay.” She smiles at me encouragingly.
Chapter 27
Master Grayson
Josie and I have been walking on eggshells for three days. It’s finally Wednesday night, and I’ve made plans for us at Surrender. She’s fidgeting next to me in the car as I drive.
I keep glancing at her. She looks fantastic. This is the first time she’s dressed as a little since Monday morning, and I know that didn’t even last until the workday started. She claimed it hadn’t felt right, but she’d also declined the offer to change back when we got home. Not just Monday night but Tuesday also.
I’m nervous for both of us. We’ve hardly spoken more than a few words, and more importantly, we haven’t had sex since we got home on Sunday. To say I’m worried would be putting it mildly.
When I pull into the parking lot, I turn to face her and take her hand. “You okay with this? We don’t have to go inside if you don’t feel up to it.”
She shakes her head and sits up straighter as if forcing herself to be brave. “No. I’m fine.”
Inside, I know that neither of us is fine. This trial tonight is making me nervous. It feels like a last-ditch effort to see if we can fill the holes we both have. I’m doubtful. My attitude is not helping. I try to remain upbeat though. “There’s a nursery area. I thought you might enjoy spending some time there.” We’ve talked about this, but I need to double-check with her.
She pastes on a smile. “Yes. Looking forward to it.”
I lift a brow. “If you change your mind at any time, you let someone know and they can find me, and we’ll go home.”
She nods. “Yes, Sir.”
I blow out a breath as I exit the car and round to her side to help her out. I hold her hand as I lead her into the club. As soon as we step into the entrance, the front-desk employee, Cindy, greets us with a smile. “Good evening, Sir. And Josie, I love, love that dress.” She’s a bubbly young woman who has worked the entrance for as long as I’ve been coming here. Her wavy brown hair is usually pulled back in a low ponytail, and she’s wearing jeans and a black tank top. She’s about five-six and willowy. I’ve never once seen her play at the club. I’m not sure if this is just a job for her, if she’s too timid to join, or if I’ve simply never been here on nights when she joins in the activities in the main club.
“Thank you,” Josie responds.
“Claudia was looking for you two a few minutes ago,” Cindy informs us.
“Thanks, Cindy. We’ll find her.” I lead Josie through the entrance area into the main room and then spot Claudia approaching us. She’s smiling broadly.
I was expecting her, so I’m not surprised. Roman’s idea. He thought Claudia might be able to help Josie settle in with the other littles. I’ve known Claudia since I first joined Surrender. So has Josie. She’s not a stranger. She’s one of Roman and Julius’s oldest friends. The three of them went to college together.
“Hey,” Claudia says in a soft voice as she approaches us. She reaches for the puffy sleeve on Josie’s pale blue dress and fingers it. “I love your dress.”
“Thank you,” Josie murmurs, her gaze dropping as she slips seemingly flawlessly into her little.
Claudia lifts her gaze to mine. “Master Roman requested that you come find him. Why don’t I show Josie to the nursery area?”
I nod and then lift Josie’s face to mine. “Tell someone if you need me, okay?”
She smiles wanly. “I will, Sir. Promise.” Her voice has taken on that cute tone, and my cock jumps to attention. Why the hell am I so attracted to her like this but unable to fulfil the role she needs? It’s frustrating.
Claudia leads her away from me, and I go in search of Master Roman, whom I assume is in his office upstairs. When I reach the second floor, his door is open and he stands as he waves me in. “Hey.”
I shake his hand. “Claudia said you wanted to meet with me.”
He points at the chair across from his desk and we both sit. “I’ve had some ideas since we met on Monday night.”
“Okay. I’m all ears.” I spoke with Roman and Julius for about an hour Monday after work and they were very helpful—as long as by “helpful” I mean that nearly everyone agrees with Master Quinten.
“I went over our roster, and I think one of our newer members might be able to work with you. If you find yourselves compatible, of course.”
I draw in a breath and nod. I’m nervous, but I need to do this. I need to do it for me and for Josie. If I don’t explore, I won’t know myself.
“His name is Hudson. He moved to Seattle a few months ago, so he has no preconceived notions about anyone at the club. And before you ask, yes he’s fully vetted. He heard
about us from a business associate of mine who called me from Denver. Known him for years.”
I keep nodding while also rubbing my palms together. “Okay.”
Roman smiles at me, knowingly. He’s fully aware I’m out of my element and nervous. “He’s doing a scene right now. I thought you might like to watch him, and then you two can discuss something that might work for you afterward.”
“Sounds good.” Sounds horrifying, actually. Sure, I submitted for Master Quinten in the privacy of his home. But that’s not the same as doing so here at the club, in public, where people will be watching. Maybe we could get a private room. But I’m still uncomfortable with this arrangement. I’m forcing myself to step outside the box and give this a try.
I stand at the same time Roman does.
“Hudson is at the red leather spanking bench on the left side of the main room. Dark hair. Six-two. Broad guy. Can’t miss him.”
“Got it. Thanks.” I reach out a hand and shake Master Roman’s.
On the way back down to the main room, I take deep breaths. I should check on Josie first. When I hit the main floor, I turn down the hallway that leads to the designated nursery area. Surrender has a large number of members who practice some form of age play, so entire sections of the club are set aside just for that, including the playroom.
When I get to the room, I’m not surprised to find several people inside. The three walls are painted sky blue with clouds on them. The carpet is dark green like grass. The fourth wall is not a wall at all. It’s a fence. Literally, a brown picket fence that allows people to easily check on their little inside the room without cramming into a doorway.
I spot Josie on the far side of the room. She’s sitting in front of a stack of blocks building something. Or maybe just seeing how high she can stack them until they fall. Another little, a girl, is watching her from a few feet away. She’s sucking her thumb. I don’t think they’re speaking to each other.
I stare for a while at the woman who has been my partner for over a year. I’m awed by her ability to adapt and jump into this new side of herself. I wish I had her strength. I’m struggling more than she is. She makes me smile when the pile tumbles to the floor, causing her to squeal and clap her hands together.
Pleasing Josie (Surrender Book 5) Page 20