Jane of Air

by Jessica Penot

  Two large burgundy leather club chairs were angled toward the fireplace and bookshelves lined an entire wall. Thornfield was full of books. That, alone, made me happy. There was no computer. All the things that would be found in a modern study were conspicuously absent. I felt like I had slipped back in time. Even Edward seemed oddly out of time, too. In the wrong era. Was it such a bad thing to feel out of place in your own time?

  “Do you play chess?” he asked abruptly.

  “Y-yes, but not very well,” I replied evasively.

  “Will you play with me?”

  “Okay,” I said. We moved over to the back corner of the study. It was dark and had two smaller leather chairs and an antique glass top table between them. The glass top was actually a built-in chess board and the pieces were laid out. I settled down in one of the leather chairs and looked at the board nervously. I’d lied to Edward. I was actually very good at chess. I didn’t own up to it because it was another one of those things that made me stand out as a weirdo in school. I had won several chess tournaments and was considered the best player on my chess team in high school. Of course, I was a dork even by chess team standards, which probably made me the queen of dorks. I hesitated before I made my first move. I wondered what Helen would advise. Should I play honestly or let him win? It seemed unethical to let him win, so I played like I always played.

  We moved through the game quickly. Edward was a decisive player and he wasn’t bad, but by the time we made it to the middle of the game I had a distinct advantage.

  “Did you tell me you weren’t good at chess because you didn’t want to play with me or because you are ridiculously humble?” he asked as he moved his queen to the center of the board.

  I studied the board. “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Being good at chess has never really won me any friends, so I never admit to it. I love chess, but it’s one of those things girls aren’t supposed to be good at.”

  “Do you hide all your skills or is this it?” he said. “Should I worry about you having an arsenal of superpowers I know nothing about?”

  I laughed. “You never know.”

  Edward looked up at me and smiled. “I think you are hiding more about yourself. You and I are a lot alike. I’ve spent my entire life hiding. You shouldn’t hide who you are to make other people happy.”

  I moved my bishop and leaned back in my chair. “It really doesn’t matter if I hide who I am,” I commented. “I’ll never be one of the popular girls, anyway.”

  Edward scowled as he studied the board. “You’re out of high school now. You don’t have to worry about things like that anymore.”

  I smiled. “I keep forgetting that. It is different here. I don’t feel quite so out of place. I even look forward to going to school.”

  Edward moved his rook and then he leaned back to study me. I really wished he would stop doing that. I tried to focus on the game and avoid making eye contact.

  “Why do you want to be a doctor?” he asked.

  I couldn’t help smiling. “I want to help people.” I put up my hand before he could say anything. “I know. I know. I’ve read a hundred books and they all say you’re not supposed to say that on your med school interviews, but for me it’s the truth. I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I know it’s stupid and cliché, but I read this book called Where There Are No Doctors. It was a true story about a physician who went to Africa to work with people who are super poor and dying of things that could be cured with antibiotics. It just seemed like such an amazing thing, to be able to really save and change someone’s life like that. Ever since then, I knew I wanted to be a doctor.” I didn’t tell him about the other reason. About the doctor who saved my life when I was only four years old and had developed a terrible infection from the tattoo cut into my back in some hellish ritual I was fortunate enough to have forgotten. My case managers had made of point of telling me the story over the years. I had heard it so many times, I felt like I could remember it if I tried. I never tried.

  I moved my knight. “Check,” I said.

  Edward didn’t look at the board. He just kept looking at me. “Well, I’m not as noble as you. I’m fairly sure there aren’t many people as noble as you, but I wanted to study English and be a professor. I like to read and I like school. It was always my favorite place. I envy you and your chance to follow your dreams. I have to study what I am told to. I have to run the family business.”

  Our eyes met and I held his gaze. “Why don’t you follow your dreams? You’re not hurting for money. You seem to be smart enough. Why not just study what you want to?”

  This time it was Edward whose gaze skittered away. He looked back down at the chess board and studied the pieces. “My family has always been complicated. I have to meet my family obligations.”

  “What are those?”

  “I have to go to the right school, take the right classes, date the right girls.” He seemed so bitter and angry, I could almost feel his rage.

  “Are you kidding me? What is this? The 18th century? I’m certainly not rich and I’m telling you, right now, I wouldn’t give up the chance to live my dream for all the money in the world!” My hands shook with passion as I spoke.

  “I wish it were that easy,” he said. He moved his queen to protect his king. “My family is old. We’re so old, we had this house moved from England in the 18th century. We used to be aristocrats. There are things we just have to do. Things we’ll always have to do. It isn’t just an obligation to us. I am different. All of the men in my family are.”

  “Different?” I asked.

  “It’s complicated. I would say you wouldn’t understand, but I think you might be the only person who would. There is something about you, Jane Marsh… I can’t put my finger on it. Either way, trust me when I tell you that I have to do as I am told. Bad things happen when I don’t.”

  “Bad things?”

  “People die when a Rochester breaks the rules. Haven’t you heard the stories? The ghosts of the dead haunt this house still.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was joking, but he seemed kind of scary in that moment. I leaned back from him a little.

  Edward just shook his head. “Tell me more about what you are studying at school.”

  I took his queen with my knight. “Checkmate.”

  He grinned at that. “Shit. You are good.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and grinned back. “Well, like I mentioned the other day, I’m taking all the usual pre-med courses, but I do love my English class. We’re reading 100 Years of Solitude. It is so good. I also love Organic Chemistry more than any normal girl should.”

  “You keep saying that. Why would you want to be a normal girl? I know lots of normal girls. They’re all boring. There’s nothing wrong with being different. Be yourself, Jane. Be the witchy girl I found wandering alone in the woods at night who walked through fire to save me. Be the girl who is smarter than everyone else in the room. Don’t let anyone else tell you who you should be.” He picked up his fallen king and held it tightly.

  I arched an eyebrow and looked at him. “This from a guy who has to do as he’s told? When will you be who you are?”

  “I’m having some friends here this week,” he said, obviously changing the subject. “I’m having a party. Would you stay for my party on Friday?”

  I blushed and looked down at the chess board again. “I don’t do well at parties.”

  With the chess game over, he had nothing to do but stare at me again. “Have you been to many parties?”

  “I went to one last week,” I said. I kept looking at the board.

  “How do you know you don’t do well at parties if you’ve only been to one party?”

  I got up and walked across the room and sat in one of the chairs by the fireplace.” Because I don’t do well in large groups.”

  Edward followed me across
the room, but he didn’t sit down. “We should go to dinner.” He extended his hand to me. I looked at it for a minute before I finally accepted. I expected him to let go of my hand once he helped me to my feet, but he held on and led me to the door. I allowed him to pull me down the hall toward the dining room. Before we got to the room, he stopped and just held onto my hand. He drew me close to him. I could feel his body against mine. I couldn’t even remember ever being that close to another human being. I trembled as he put his other hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and saw something in his eyes that made me want to hold onto his hand forever. It terrified me. I let go of his hand and stepped back.

  “Come to my party.” His pleasant request had turned into an order. “I need someone there to keep an eye on my grandmother and her nurse leaves at eight.”

  “Of course,” I whispered. He was my boss and watching over his grandmother was my job. I couldn’t say no.

  Chapter 15

  “Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness.”

  ~ R. Queen

  JENNA WAS THE ONLY SERVANT that night at dinner. The rest of the staff had left early. She served us dinner and I ended up helping her when she seemed overwhelmed by the chore. Sitting down while someone else struggled with their work just seemed wrong. She smiled at me and thanked me for my help. As we filled the soup bowls in the kitchen to carry out to the dining room, she stepped closer to me. “Be careful.” She whispered so softly I almost didn’t hear her.

  I wanted to ask her what she meant. I wanted her to tell me more, but Miss Adele’s nurse came into the kitchen to get a cup of tea for her. And then the moment was gone.

  Miss Adele seemed even more out of sorts than usual. Her hair was disheveled and she had a wild look in her eyes. She seemed afraid. The nurse had to feed her the soup. Miss Adele waved her away causing the soup to spill on the hardwood floor. The sound echoed in the empty house. I wasn’t sure what to say to Edward. He was quiet and I didn’t have the words to fill the void, so I went into the kitchen for a fresh bowl of soup and fed it to Miss Adele. The nurse should have done this but it looked like there was a Candy Crush crisis that was taking priority. I focused on my task. Miss Adele calmed down for me. She looked into my eyes and ate the soup. Her eyes became less wild and she even smiled a little.

  I didn’t eat much. I ate my soup and a little of the roast chicken, but I had enough butterflies in my stomach to fill a garden. Edward cleared his plate and had room for seconds. When dinner was over, Edward rose and walked across the long room and gave his grandmother a kiss on the cheek. He helped her up and Adele’s nurse took her back to her room. Then he turned to me and offered me his hand again. I was surprised that he did because of my earlier reaction. But I surprised myself even more. I took it.

  I closed my eyes and felt his skin on mine. His hand was warm and strong. His grasp was firm. I felt the way his fingers wrapped around mine like ivy clinging to a wall. That feeling came over me again, the feeling that made me want to hang onto his hand forever. He pulled me to my feet and stood facing me. I know he wanted me to look at him. I wanted to look at him, too, but it was too much. I got scared and looked away. He let go of my hand and walked out of the dining room, leaving me standing there feeling more alone than ever.

  Chapter 16

  Ultimate horror often paralyses memory in a merciful way.

  ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  I WOKE UP IN MY bed at 3 a.m. At first, I wasn’t sure what it was that woke me, but I quickly realized that my door was open. I grabbed Miss Adele’s valium and walked into the hall expecting to see her standing by the door. I assumed that she had opened my door looking for the solace I offered her in the middle of the night, but she was nowhere to be seen. I turned on the light and looked up and down the corridor. No one was there.

  The light flickered and then went out, and a chill filled the hall. I wrapped my arms around myself and walked down the long, narrow corridor. What was going on? There had been at least 100 people here over the week, madly working and making sure the entire house was in ship-shape. Now the lights weren’t working and it was cold? I walked to Miss Adele’s room and went in to check on her. Just to make sure she was okay. She was sound asleep, looking cozy under her down-filled comforter. I went back out of the room. It was still dark and still chilly. I heard a noise and, turning, saw someone standing at the end of the hall. I froze. My feet were rooted to the floor. I couldn’t move no matter how many times I told myself that ghosts were just a silly superstition, I couldn’t stop my heart from racing in blind panic.

  “Edward?” I called out. There was no answer, only silence.

  I took a tentative step forward. My legs shook beneath me. I could hardly bring myself to take another step, but I forced myself. I told myself not to be a scaredy cat. I willed myself to move toward the shadowy figure standing in the darkness. It became so cold, I could see my breath in the air in front of me. The lights flickered on, again, just enough that I could see that it was a young woman in front of me. She was dressed in white and so thin she was little more than a wisp of light. She carried a single candle in her hand. She was lovely. Long dark hair framed a pale, heart-shaped face. Her velvety brown eyes were sad.

  I stood, clutching myself in cold and terror, waiting for the phantom in front of me to do anything. I reached down and pinched my arm. I dug my fingernails into my arm. I tried to wake myself, but I definitely wasn’t dreaming, and I was definitely completely wrong about my previous beliefs about ghosts. Ghosts were real and this pale lady in front of me was as much proof as I would ever need of that.

  I began to back up slowly, but the ghost’s pale hand reached out to me and my legs gave out beneath me. I fell to the ground and sat in stunned silence. I was paralyzed with fear.

  “Jane,” the ghost whispered. “I knew he would bring you back to me.”

  I answered without thought. “Who?”

  The ghost smiled and my blood ran cold. “You are beautiful. He told me you were beautiful. I am so glad you are here.”

  I was too scared to respond, so I just sat on the floor staring up at the ghost. She turned from me and pointed toward a locked door and then she was gone. It was as if she had never been there, at all. The warmth returned to the hall and the lights grew bright again. It was like nothing happened. I looked around and wondered if I hadn’t been sleepwalking. I pulled myself to my feet and tried to tell myself it was a waking dream. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been real. I was overtired and overstressed, and it couldn’t have been real. I stumbled back to my room and for the first time since I had been at Thornfield, I locked the door.

  I slept fitfully and morning came too soon. The sun blinded me with its cruel fingers and pulled me out of bed. I didn’t shower. I just threw on my shorts and a t-shirt and stumbled back into the hall. In the bright light of day, the hallway seemed like it always did. It was hard to imagine being scared of something with the morning birds singing and the sun dancing on the walls. I wandered the hall in the quiet of the early morning, searching for any evidence of something that could explain what had happened to me the night before. I studied the walls and the carpets. I looked for windows and cameras. I tried to find a way to tell myself that it was all a practical joke, but I couldn’t find any evidence that anyone had been in the house except Miss Adele, Edward, and me. I knew Miss Adele wasn’t capable of pulling off an elaborate hoax and Edward just didn’t seem like the type to pull a prank on anyone.

  Finally, I found my way back to the locked door the ghost had pointed to. Why had she pointed to the door? What did she want me to know? I ran to Mrs. Fairfax’s office and found a set of keys. I didn’t like stealing, but I told myself it wasn’t actually stealing, it was only borrowing, and I would return them after. I opened the door and it groaned angrily. It had probably been decades since it had been opened.

  Behind the door there was only stairs and darkness. There were n
o light switches. There were no signs that the modern world had touched this part of the house, at all. I had to use my cell phone to cast a weak beam of light into the darkness, so I could see where I was going. The stairs were made of stone and looked so old they could have been in a medieval fortress. Cobwebs filled the corners and spiders crawled on the walls. I took a deep breath and stepped into the darkness. The door groaned shut behind me.

  Chapter 17

  I could not help feeling that they were evil things—mountains of madness whose farther slopes looked out over some accursed ultimate abyss.

  ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  I WANTED TO JUMP BACK into the safety of the hall, but curiosity pulled me forward with as much tenacity as any emotion I had ever known. I climbed the stone steps, slowly. My feet were still bare and the cold stone was so frigid beneath my feet it sent a shiver up my spine. The air around me was stale and stuffy. It smelled of dust and I coughed and placed my hand over my mouth. When I made it to the top of the stairs, I found myself in an attic so immense it could have been a gymnasium.

  The stone steps gave way to a wooden floor. The wood was soft with age and green with mold. Light filtered in through old glass windows cut into the stone walls. All around me were centuries of artifacts that the Rochester family must have brought with them from England when they migrated. I wondered if anyone even knew that these things were up here. Did Edward know? There were old suits of armor and piles of swords. Taxidermized animals stared out at me with glass eyes. There were paintings of long dead lords and ladies half covered in burlap. I wiped the decades of dust off the faded oil canvases to study the faces. Nobody ever smiled in paintings back then. The dead eyes of Edward’s ancestors stared out at me, coldly. I could almost hear them whispering that I didn’t belong in Thornfield Hall. I walked deeper into the attic, pushing cobwebs out of my way as I went. I found old cribs and bassinets. Creepy china dolls, wearing moldy dresses, sat on very old furniture.