Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  “It’s an important issue.”

  Dad slammed his hand on the table, and I jumped at the sound. “It’s not an issue, Kay,” he said. “It's a disgrace.”

  “People should be able to teach their children without interference.” They were both yelling. The tone in the room had changed. Now people were eating and trying not to get noticed.

  “Studies have shown that it's not helpful. And it’s extremely harmful.” He took a deep breath and said in a voice lower but no less intense. “Honestly, Kay, I'm just tired of your homophobic crap. I’m done.”

  “What does that mean?” she still sounded haughty, but her eyes looked wounded.

  “It means you need to be able to accept my family-all of us as we are.” he looked around the table at me and Jade. “or we leave.”

  “I’m not homophobic, but I don’t have a right to speak for others. The bible clearly says—”

  “Let’s go.” Dad stands up, waving his hand for us to get up.

  Jade and I exchange glances, still in shock over everything happening so fast.

  “Richard,” she said, an edge of hysteria in her voice. “Can’t we put our differences aside? It's Christmas.”

  “Not accepting your nephew is not a difference. It's hateful and I'm not putting up with it. Maybe if things change, we'll see you next Christmas.”

  We grabbed our things, were out the door, and free minutes later. I wanted to laugh but my dad still looked angry and…hurt. Had he expected something else? I wanted to hug him for standing up for me and for Jade.

  Footsteps crunched behind us. Mark ran up to us, then bent over trying to catch his breath. “Hey,” he said between gasps. He held up a finger. “Sorry. You guys were fast. I’m sorry you guys have to leave.”

  “I’m sorry, too, Mark,” Dad said. “But it was necessary. I’ll see you boys at home.”

  He started to walk away.

  “Wait, Uncle Richard. I just wanted to thank you for standing up to my mom. She needs a reality check sometimes.” His face was flushed, but I wasn’t sure if it was from running or something else.

  “No problem, Mark,” he said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Merry Christmas.”

  As dad got into his vehicle, Jade and Mark looked anywhere but at each other.

  “Do you guys want to be left alone?” I said.

  “No.”

  “No,” Mark said. “I just wanted to say, you know, I'm sorry about Mom.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. We’re not responsible for our parents’ actions,” I said, I wish I had gone to the car. Not only because of the weird vibe I was getting from them, but because it was getting cold. I stomped my feet up and down to keep them warm.

  “I know, I just meant, yeah. I don't know what to say. I just want you to know that not everybody thinks like she does.”

  I nod.

  Mark’s glance slid to Jade. “It was nice meeting you.”

  “Of course. it was.” He smiled.

  Mark shook his head. “Do you have a pen and paper?”

  “Do I look like someone who carries pen and paper?” Jade asked.

  “Well, you do have a purse.”

  “No, I have a crossbody bag made for guys.” He put his hands on his hips, like he was ready to do battle.

  “It’s bright blue,” Mark said.

  “Your point?”

  “Never mind. Can I borrow your phone?”

  Jade huffed but relented and put in the passcode so Mark could get into the phone before handing it over.

  Mark typed something, hit a button, and the phone he was holding beeped. “Perfect. Thanks.”

  “And what if I didn't want your number?”

  “I’m sure you know how to hit delete.” He smirked. “And block. After all it ends in a CK.”

  Jade studied him. “Very good. I might actually like you.” But he didn't look happy about it,

  “Can we go now or are you guys going to start making out?” I asked.

  “Rude,” Jade snapped, before turning and heading to the car.

  Once we were on our way, Jade checked his phone. Was he expecting Mark to text him already? I didn’t mention it because no way did I want Jade snapping at me.

  He pulled out the mirror he carried around with him in his man-purse, which he refused to call a murse, and checked his face. He’d explained his rigid skin care routine to me about a thousand times, so I wasn’t going there either. “That was more entertaining than I expected it to be.”

  I assumed he was talking about the dinner show and not flirting with my cousin, but I wasn’t sure. “I couldn’t believe my dad.”

  “That was badass. What sparked this blowup?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe seeing my mom and Carli again? I know he was checking on some investments for Aunt Kay. Maybe he just stumbled on to it. Probably both.” When I didn’t get a response, I glanced over at Jade. He was staring at his phone again. “Jade,” I said to get his attention. “What the hell?”

  “What?

  “Just text him already,” I said.

  “I don’t know what you mean.” But he put his phone away. In the cupholder. Close by.

  Cian had texted me back finally wishing me a Merry Christmas. That was a good sign, wasn’t it? I didn’t know. “I'm just really confused about everything.” I said.

  Jade startled out of his…whatever he was doing.

  “Chin up, babe.”

  I shook my head.

  “You’re a catch, okay?”

  When I didn’t respond he continued, “If this guy isn’t after you for your money, what does that tell you?”

  “I know he likes me. That's not the question. I’m just worried about—”

  “Money. I know.”

  “You got an attitude all of a sudden.”

  Jade had stretched out, lounging in the seat like he usually does, but he suddenly sat up and faced me. “Seriously, Aaron. You’ve got a gorgeous guy who likes you for you, something you’ve always wanted and now you're throwing it away. Why? Because of money?”

  “That's not fair.”

  “If you let go of Cian because of this, you're the one letting money define your relationships. Something you've always been against. Look at your dad today. He stood up.”

  “About five years too late.”

  “But he did it.”

  “I know.”

  “When are you going to stand up, Aaron? Some people never get what they want. They don’t even have the opportunity to turn it down.”

  “What is up with you?” I said. “You’re extra salty today. And you can’t complain, you're dating three guys.”

  He waved his hand at that. “That’s not relevant.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “This isn’t about me. Do you like this guy or not?”

  My hands flexed on the steering wheel, trying to dispel my nervous energy. “I like him a lot.”

  “Do you want this to work out between you?”

  “More than anything.”

  “You do realize,” Jade said with a sassy voice. “That if you don’t do something, it will never happen.”

  I watched the road, thinking about what he said. He wasn’t wrong.

  “You are not your dad. And Cian, bless his sweet heart, is not like your mama. The situations are completely different. Could this still fail? Yeah. Sure. But we could also all die tomorrow.”

  “Cheerful.”

  “You know how much I hate all this emotional teenage angst crap,” he said, taking my hand. “But I think we should do this. Right now.”

  “Really?”

  “Absolutely,” he said with a grin. “Turn this car around. Let's go get you a boyfriend.”

  FIFTEEN:

  CIAN

  I scrubbed the plate and threw it in the rinse water. I’d needed the comfort of Gran’s Apple pie after leaving Carli’s Christmas Eve party. Who buys an expensive painting for someone they just met?

  Water splashed up soaking my already wet shirt.r />
  “Want to talk about it?” Mom watched me, her hands on her hips and head tilted.

  I'd seen that look plenty of times when I was a kid. It was the ‘you might as well tell me because I'm going to find out’ look. Only this time she conveyed it with more concern than she used to show.

  “Not really,” I said.

  “Is this about Carli's brother?”

  I grabbed another dish and scoured the heck out of it. There was nothing left on that plate. “Mom? What does I don't want to talk about it mean?”

  “It means, I'm your mother and I can't take a hint.”

  I smiled. I couldn’t blame her for being worried about me. She watched me self-implode after Teddy and then lock myself away. “I'll be fine, Mom. Promise. When I’m ready to talk about it, I'll let you know.”

  “Okay. I’m going to help Gran with decorations. You can help us after you finish torturing the dishes.”

  The truth was, I wasn't angry at Aaron. Okay, I was. But mostly I was upset that I let myself get close to him, knowing there was no way it would work out. How could it? We lived in different worlds. I didn't need someone to take care of me or buy me expensive things. I could take care of myself.

  But Aaron trying to take care of me wasn’t the thing that freaked me out, if I was being honest. I’d had too many people leave me to trust that anyone would stay.

  I didn’t want to be like my parents. Pretend everything was great when it wasn’t. I could have done that—accepted Aaron’s present and his kisses. But it would have been a lie. I tried to explain it to him. He didn’t give me a chance. He just walked away.

  I didn't need someone else in my life who was just going to walk away.

  I checked my phone often, hoping he would text me. Even a random fact or joke would have made me feel better. Nothing. Just a generic Merry Christmas text. I shook those thoughts away. He wasn't going to ruin my holidays. I'd hoped to have a good Christmas this year.

  Past Christmas hadn’t felt right without Teddy. A piece was missing, a hole where he should have been. In every single thing we did, from our Christmas Eve Mass and the candle lighting to waking up Christmas morning and opening presents. All our family together, except one. And while it had been hard before, when dad left on Christmas Eve last year my would fell apart. If felt like my family would never be whole again.

  But this year, I’d felt hopeful, like I could breathe again.

  I finished cleaning the kitchen and went to the living room. Mom and Gran were finishing up the tree.

  Gran stood on a stool and placed the angel on top. “How’s that?”

  “Maybe a little towards me. It’s still slightly crooked,” Mom said.

  Once they finished Gran hopped off the stool. My gran was four foot nothing of feisty Irish. She had never lost her accent. Not even after being in the states thirty years.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, switching off the lights to get the full effect. The lights were white and matched the candles we placed in the windows every year. The ornaments were a mishmash from various Christmases, and I treasured them all.

  “Well I’m glad you’re done throwing the plates around, Ce,” Gran said. “Do you need to change first before we set out the candles?”

  I’d forgotten about my wet shirt. I raced upstairs to change.

  Once everything was ready and I was in dry clothes, we set the candles up in the windows and lit them one by one with a special candle. Gran told us about the wandering candle, even though we knew the story by heart. Candles had been set in the windows to let wanderers know this was a place to come for sustenance and warmth, just like we did for Joseph and Mary.

  The first year after Teddy died, I was obsessed with the candle. Would it help Teddy’s soul find its way back to us? Which was ridiculous. I believed in Heaven and Hell. We were Irish Catholic, after all. But I also believed a part of Teddy was still with us.

  After lighting the candles, Gran shared more stories while we wrapped Christmas presents. We didn’t have many this year, so it didn’t take long.

  “Are you going to Mass this evening, Ce?”

  Gran and Mom always went to Christmas Eve mass, but sometimes I’d skip it. There were years when I didn’t feel God and I were on speaking terms.

  I nodded and her smile warmed me.

  She squeezed my hand. “Your mum and I are going to watch Christmas movies on Netflix. You’re welcome to stay, but don’t feel like you have to hang out with us. I’ll come get you when it’s time to leave for Mass.”

  I nodded. “I'm actually thinking about painting.”

  Painting helped me say things when words weren’t enough. And I didn’t have the words to express the loneliness and pain I felt. Getting a taste of something that good and right…only to lose it again. I was thankful Aaron broke through that numbness I’d carried around, because I had my brushes and my paints and that urge to create.

  Once I set up a blank canvas and thought about what I wanted to do, I squirted paint on my pallet and began. After a while, my arms started to ache but I didn’t stop. A knock on the door broke the connection between me, the paintbrush, and the painting in front of me. It was nearly finished. After the first layer of paint dried, I could add another to soften the edges.

  “Come in.”

  Gran peeked her head through the door. “Can I look?”

  “Not yet. But it should be finished tomorrow.”

  “If you’re still going to Mass, get cleaned up. It's almost time.”

  I wiped my hands off with the cloth and checked my phone. Time had gotten away from me, When I was painting, I was in another world. I’d really missed that experience. The serenity and joy. A feeling of being cleansed.

  Mass brought back those same feelings of serenity and joy, and of being cleansed. The service was beautiful. The singing, praying, reading of scripture, standing and kneeling and showing reverence at specific times during Mass. We received the full blood and body of Christ just as the Apostles did at the Last Supper.

  When I said my prayers, I prayed for my family. I prayed for Teddy in heaven. I even prayed for my dad. I also prayed for Aaron. Because even if it didn't work out between the two of us, I wanted him to be happy.

  The calmness of Christmas Eve was a stark contrast to the chaos of Christmas morning. We didn’t go to Mass Christmas morning since we’d gone the night before. We waited to open the presents under the tree until after Emily and Brad arrived with Theo, and we had dinner which we always had around late afternoon on Christmas. Dinner followed the same menu as Thanksgiving but on a smaller scale. We had turkey and homemade noodles that were then piled on top of the mashed potatoes. That was not an Irish thing. That was a Missouri thing.

  After clearing the food, we gathered in the living room, preparing to open presents. Most everyone sat on the floor, with the exception of Gran. She settled in her favorite chair.

  Brad gathered the presents together to make them easier to hand out. He had on the traditional Santa’s hat that went with the job. At one time, this was something I did. After Teddy, it was too hard.

  Theo charged me at full force, knocking us both over. We crawled on the floor playing dinosaurs while waiting for her dad. I could play with Theo all day.

  Brad handed out the gifts one by one. We had to wait for each gift to be opened. It used to take a while, but we had an unwritten rule these days. No spending too much on anyone. No one could afford it. But even though the presents didn't amount to much, they meant a lot.

  When it was my turn, I tore through the wrapping paper. A memory of Aaron trying so hard not to rip the paper when he opened my present popped in my mind, but I pushed it away. When I finally unwrapped my present, I stared at my family in shock. “New brushes. You guys shouldn’t have spent this much.”

  “Hush,” Gran said. “We all pooled our money. But don’t expect another present under that tree, laddie.” I hugged them all, feeling overwhelmed.

  Theo squealed at every present
she opened, but I noticed she held tight to the stuffed triceratops I got her. In spite of what gran said, I did get another present from Emily. A smock that said: The earth Without art Is Just eh.

  Brad pulled out the last present, hidden in the back, and read the tag. “It’s for Theo, but it says Grandma should open it.” He handed it to Mom.

  I glanced over at Emily. Her faces glowed with excitement. Something was up.

  Mom opened the present sneaking glances at Emily. She pulled it out and her hand went to her mouth. “Really?”

  Emily nodded and then held up the tiny pink shirt for all of us to see. Only two words were on it. Big Sister.

  Everyone congratulated Emily and Brad, and little Theo. It was the happiest Christmas we’d had in a long time. I hugged my sister as tight as I could and tried to not sob all over her. Needless to say, I failed.

  The house was full of laughing and teasing and although I was enjoying myself, sadness and thoughts of Aaron weighed me down. I wanted some of that. Someone to love. Not that I wanted kids anytime soon or maybe at all, but I wanted the possibility someday.

  I moved from the floor to the love seat to distance myself. I didn’t want to bring anyone down.

  Gran sat down next to me. “It’s not the same, you know.”

  “You mean without Teddy?”

  She shook her head. “It's not the same without Teddy, but that's not what I mean. I'm talking about whatever’s going on with you and your fellow. You’re not your parents, Cian.”

  I didn’t want to talk about that. I shrugged. “I miss him.”

  “I know.” She patted my hand.

  “We had our first fight and haven't even gone on a date yet.”

  “What’s really going on in that head of yours?”

  “I shouldn't be this upset,” I said, looking at her. “I've only known him for a week.”

  “I’d only known your granddad for a couple of days before I realized he was the one for me. It took him a bit longer. He was a dashing young sailor on holiday.” She seemed to get caught up in the memory, and I let her.

  I’d heard the stories of Gran and Grandad all my life, but I still loved hearing them. I was only five when my granddad passed. The only memory I had was the smell of cherries and pipe smoke, and his corny jokes.