Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  “You know this,” I said. “I’m just repeating it since your brain’s apparently been hijacked. The doctor said it was safe for her Emily to have her baby. She’s going to be fine. They both are,”

  “But what if they’re not?” he said in a broken voice.

  I wanted to tell him nothing bad would happen, but we both knew that wasn’t always true. I reached for his hand and pressed harder on the gas.

  It took us an hour to get to the hospital, but that was twenty minutes quicker than it should have. The closest hospital to us had closed their OB ward a few years back. Not enough people having babies, I guess. I parked and started to get out of the car when Ce grabbed my hand.

  “Wait,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.

  He was huddled in on himself, his eyes squeezed shut. He took quick shallow breathes and rocked back and forth in his seat. Not good.

  I cursed. In my mind, not out loud. Ce didn’t need that negativity right now. I’d forgotten about Theo. When she was born, Ce made it to the hospital parking lot and had a panic attack. Paralyzed by fear, he’d given up and gone home.

  Not happening this time. He was already missing his first art show. Possibly, I reminded myself. He wasn’t going to miss this, too.

  I turned the car back on just to roll the windows down. It was a hot and sticky June day, but at least there was a breeze. Dogs barked nearby and a car alarm went off.

  Cian’s face was pale, and I resisted the urge to tuck the stray strands of hair behind his ear. I didn’t touch him when he was like this unless he initiated it first.

  He squeezed my hand tighter. “I can’t.”

  “I’ve got you, Ce.” I spoke to him in a calm voice and using short sentences. After we started dating for real, I’d taken first aid classes on how to help someone during a mental health crisis. I hadn’t known that was even a thing. But I learned how to help him.

  “Can you open your eyes?”

  No response, but his rocking slowed a bit.

  “This is a panic attack,” I said. “It won’t last long. I’m here.”

  I’d never had a panic attack, but he’d described it as feeling like he was going to die. His heart pounding and not being able to breathe. I couldn’t imagine. And for a moment I got lost worrying about him. I pushed those emotions away. He needed me not to freak out.

  “Open your eyes, Ce,” I said more firmly to get through his muddled brain. “Remember your grounding.”

  He gave a quick nod and opened his eyes.

  “Focus. What do you see?”

  “Ugly yellow car.”

  I laughed. The car in front of us was butt-ugly. “What do you hear?”

  “Car alarm,” he said. “Annoying.”

  “Smell?”

  He hesitated and I squeezed his hand.

  “Micky Ds. Hope I don’t throw it up.”

  We’d gone through a McDonald’s drive through before we’d left Dublin. The knot in my stomach eased. He was coming back.

  As he continued to ground himself to the here and now instead of the false signals from his brain and body, his breathing slowed, and the color returned to his face. He glanced up at me, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

  “Idiot,” I said fondly, moving the stray hair and kissing his forehead. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” He took a deep breath. “We’re still doing this, right?”

  “You sure?”

  His hand shook as he grabbed his phone, but his smile was bright. “Ce’s not a quitter.”

  I laughed. “You’ve been around Jade too much.” But my heart swelled with pride for this guy who’d lost so much. He wasn’t letting it take over his life.

  I gave him a quick kiss. “Let’s go meet baby Molly.”

  ~~~

  “You did good.”

  He leaned back against me and shivered. They always kept these places so cold. I wrapped my arms around him.

  “She is a beauty. But I can’t take any credit for that.”

  I turned him around, cupping his face. “You were here, Ce and that means everything.” I kissed him lightly, not wanting to get into it right there in the hospital nursery.

  Emily had cried when we first walked into her room. She was hooked up to machines monitoring her and the baby’s heart rate. Cian stopped at the door. I placed a hand on his back and could feel him taking deep breathes. He’d gone over to Emily and kissed her on the cheek.

  “You’re here.” And then she burst into tears.

  He gave her hand a squeeze. “I couldn’t miss this. Not again.”

  Their mom, Sarah, was also there and she hugged Cian tight. Gran was home watching Theo.

  We took turns being with Emily. Giving Brad a break to grab a bite to eat and check on Theo. No one brought food in the room since Emily wasn’t allowed to eat anything. The threat of a C-section too real at that point.

  Molly’s heart rate had dipped, and they though Emily would have to have a C-section. Just the suggestion of trouble had Ce struggling to breathe, but I took him to a quiet place in the hospital, and we were able to head off a full-blown panic attack.

  But now Molly was here, and Emily and Brad were taking a well-deserved nap.

  Molly was swaddled in a blanket, the pink hat unable to contain her red curls, and resting in her clear plastic bed.

  “I think this was just Emily’s way of getting out of going to my show,” Ce said with a laugh.

  But I could see the strain in his face and the lingering fear in his eyes. “I should just call Kay and tell her I can’t make it.”

  “Are you chicken?”

  He stared at me like I was insane.

  “Before you start in on me, Emily is fine and sleeping. Molly is gorgeous and being cared for by the best nurses. There’s nothing you can do for either of them tonight. What you can do, is put on your big boy panties and go to your art show.”

  “Is not really my art show. I’m just one of the artists. And I still think you talked your aunt into accepting me.”

  “I didn’t.” I glanced back at Molly trying to avoid his eyes.

  “Spill, Aaron. What did you say to convince her?”

  I hated that he questioned his ability. “I mentioned you were an artist. That’s It. You got in the group on your own.”

  “By being impoverished. Poor. Low economic status. I could do this all night.”

  “And talented. Why do you keep forgetting that part? Is my aunt’s group there to help those who don’t have the money to get there themselves? Yes. Does everyone get to be in the art show? No. Only the most talented.”

  I threaded our fingers together. “And you are talented.”

  “True.”

  I stared at him; my mouth open in surprise that he’d finally agreed with me.

  “Is that really all it takes to shut you up?”

  I shook my head with a smile. “We should probably head out.”

  I’d stored our clothes in the back of the Land Rover, just in case we had time to make it.

  “Can we just check on her one last time before we leave?”

  “Sure.”

  As we walked to Emily’s hospital room, an older man, flushed and sweating, strode toward us. His eyes were wide with panic.

  “Cian,” he said. “How’s Emily?”

  “Dad. I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t think you…”

  I squeezed his hand for support. He still didn’t have much contact with his dad. They talked briefly over Christmas, and I thought things were going better.

  “I was out of town for work. I got here as quick as I could. As soon as your mom called. She said there might be complications.”

  “She’s fine dad. We were just going to check on her if you want to come.”

  “And then you can meet little Molly over there. She’s absolutely adorable.” I nodded toward the windows. She was still sleeping peacefully.

  His forehead wrinkled as he looked from the baby to the direction of Emily’s room.


  Shaking his head, Cian grabbed his arm. “Let’s check on Emily.”

  “Thank you.” He glanced over at me. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

  “Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. It’s been a day,” Cian said. “Dad this is my boyfriend, Aaron.”

  “Nice to meet you.” He shook my hand. “Thank you for being here.” He glanced at his son, and I knew he meant here with Cian to help them through this.

  I put my arm around Ce and pulled him closer. “Of course.”

  I wasn’t surprised to find Brad laying in the bed with his wife. Emily had been having contractions off and on all night, and neither had gotten much sleep. They both looked exhausted.

  Sarah stood up as we walked in and held her finger to her lips for us to keep quiet. Like we were going to wake them. “John,” she whispered. “I’m glad you made it.”

  “I tried to get her sooner—”

  She shook her head. “You’re here now. That’s what matters.”

  “Mom, you look like you need a break.”

  I knew where this was headed.

  And so did his mom. I could tell by the way she tilted her head and smiled. “I’ve got this. There’s no reason for you to stay,” she said.

  “But there will be other art shows.”

  She turned to me. “You’ll make sure he gets there?”

  “Yup.”

  “Your mom told me you had an art show,” his dad said. “Would it be okay if I came?”

  “You should probably be here for Emily.”

  I wanted to shake Cian and remind him that he was important, too. Something he still struggled with.

  But his dad stepped up. “I’m here for my family. And that includes all of you. I might not stay long at the show, but I want to go.”

  Cian turned his head and wiped his eyes. “If you want,” he said.

  Instead of answering, his dad pulled him into his arms. Cian hesitated for just a second before returning the hug. I could hear him sobbing quietly against his dad’s chest.

  He pulled back to try to keep his composure, and I handed him some tissues. After he cleaned off his face, he looked at me. “Okay let’s go to your aunt’s big party.”

  Before we left, he walked over and gave Emily a kiss on her forehead.

  We took one last look at Molly, and I pulled him through the hospital doors to the outside.

  I didn’t mind hospitals since I was in one now several days a week. I had started volunteering at our local hospital with Cian’s encouragement. I was seriously thinking of going to med school and becoming a doctor. I should have realized that sooner that being protective and wanting to take care of people was a better guide for my career than wanting to fit myself into my dad's mold.

  I hadn’t broken the news to my dad yet. But I did have my speech all planned out. I’d remind him that he had another child. One who was good at business and math.

  I rushed him out of the hospital into the sticky summer heat, and Cian sighed in relief.

  We made it to the car and were on our way in no time.

  “What’s the hurry?” Cian asked.

  “Jade’s already there.” I focused on the road and not speeding. I didn’t want to be late.

  “Meaning he’s already eaten all the shrimp cocktail and called dibs on all the gay boys.”

  “You’re naïve if you think he’d stop at the gay ones,” I said.

  “Is Mark going to be there?”

  It was definitely a possibility. And a storm waiting to happen. “We better hurry.”

  CIAN

  I’d been nervous about the show all week. People would be judging my work. Judging me. My art was a part of me and now I was sharing it with the world. Or at least the people in the Columbia area. They’d see all those little mangled pieces of me shaped by what I’d been through. And then today, the worry of losing another sibling and my niece. I knew that probably wouldn’t happen, but believing it was a different story.

  We had raced to the hospital without thinking about it. I couldn’t not be there for her. But once we arrived, that feeling of being here before. That was what scared me the most. I recognized the fear and my body just reacted. My chest felt like a boulder was crushing me. My breathing was quick and shallow. Then Aaron took my hand and said calm words--I don’t even remember now what they were--until I could feel my hands again and take deep breaths. He helped me ground myself and the fog lifted.

  I hated that I wasn’t there when Theo was born, but I wasn’t focusing on that. The relief I’d seen on my sister’s face had reminded me of how much she worried about me. I’d pushed back on my anxiety determined to have the focus solely on her. Only Aaron knew of my freak out in the hospital and I was thankful he was there to help me.

  It seemed ridiculous that we were still going to the art show. It wasn’t the most important thing right now. But I let Aaron drag me out. Mostly because I needed out of that place. But the worry that I could have lost Emily was still there in my head, messing me up.

  Self-care. If Aaron mentioned that word one more time, I might just have to strangle him with the dark blue tie he was wearing. But I’d also seen what happens when people didn’t take care of themselves. Secretly, I enjoyed having him fret over me. At least for a short amount of time. Then I’d have to remind him that I didn’t need another mother.

  My dad showing up surprised me. It didn’t make up for him leaving us. But I’d realized over the last few months that everyone dealt with pain and grief in different ways. And you couldn’t really know what that was until you went through it.

  “Are you okay?” Aaron threaded our fingers together, only letting go when he needed his hand to drive. The drive from the hospital to the art show was short so I didn’t have much time to prepare or freak out. I’d only found out later that Aaron had brought our clothes so that we could change in the hospital. If he’d told me his plan sooner, I would’ve refused and told him he was crazy. But now I was glad he did.

  The scarcity of parking places had me swallowing back the fear. Why had I agreed to this?

  “It’s not as crowded as the gala was,” Aaron said, correctly interpreting the panic on my face. “But that involved money and fundraising.”

  The art show was for Young Artists of Northeast Missouri. Kay had put the group together years ago to help impoverished youth. I didn’t like taking money from anyone or being labeled as poor. Not that I was ashamed, but I wasn’t someone’s project.

  But I also love my art and now that I’d gotten back into it, I couldn’t imagine letting it go again. And art supplies weren’t cheap. Mom couldn’t afford to help me, and I wasn’t about to ask my dad.

  When she offered me a spot, I couldn’t turn it down. I got to do what I loved, and she got to think she was a good person. And honestly, she was much better than I expected. When Aaron had introduced me, as his boyfriend this time and not Carli’s, she had admitted she’d had her suspicions all along. I wondered what that meant. Did she still think Carli was a lesbian?

  Aaron’s dad had been talking to her more about disavowing some of the groups that she’d been funding. His dad owned a small investment firm, so he had come prepared with research, statistics, and charts to back up everything he said. In the face of that Kay couldn’t deny it any longer or maybe she just worried about how it made her look as someone who was trying to promote the arts and help kids.

  Kay grabbed us almost as soon as we walked in the door. “I’m so glad you’re here. People have been asking for you.” Still shuffling me towards the main area, she slowed just a bit. “How is your sister, dear and her baby?”

  “They’re both good, thank you.”

  “Praise the Lord. You know you didn’t really have to come. I would’ve understood.”

  “I know. I pointed that out to Aaron.” I looked behind me, and he rolled his eyes. I still held his hand like it was a lifeline, because honestly it felt like one. From one nerve-racking moment to the next.

  She signed m
e in. “We have about twenty minutes until the presentation,” she said. “You can mingle. Just make sure you’re back here on time.” She turned and started fussing at some of the other kids in our group.

  “Wait. You mean if we had taken twenty minutes more to get here, I could have missed the presentation?”

  “She’s been texting me this whole time. I was well aware of when we needed to get here.”

  “Traitor.”

  “I am so glad to see you both.” Jade rushed up to us, running his hands through his long hair and flipping it back. I had gotten to know Jade well over the last four months, and I recognized this as something he did when he was nervous. He always came off cool and unaffected by anything around him. But there was also a vulnerability I hadn’t noticed before getting to know him. No matter what, he rocked the style. He had on a blue short sleeved cowl neck shirt that showed off muscles I didn’t even realize he had. The black skinny jeans were tight but tame, in comparison. He looked good. But Jade always looked good.

  “Any cute guys here?” Aaron asked.

  I glared at him. “Why do you care?”

  He smiled. “There is only one cute boy I care about.”

  “Me?” Jade asked.

  We both looked at Aaron. I raised my eyebrow.

  “Okay two cute boys, but only one I want to kiss.” And before Jade could say anything further, Aaron kissed me. And I forgot all about being jealous. Mostly.

  “Then why are you asking about cute boys?” I asked.

  “Because they keep Jade distracted and happy.”

  “No cute boys here at all,” Jade announced. “Just arrogant-insufferable-think-they-know-everything semi-cute boys here today.”

  “Wait, Mark’s here?” Aaron glanced around the area we were in. “I wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it.”

  Jade huffed. “Don’t say his name.”

  “Not even to say hi?”

  We all turned to look at Mark. He seemed to appear out of nowhere, and I wondered if he was following Jade around. What was going on with those two? Aaron had told me Jade flirted outrageously with Mark when he first met him because he could “smell the gay on him” but now it seems like the tables had turned. Mark didn’t look uncomfortable. He looked smug. Mark had transferred to Westbridge on the recommendation of Aaron’s dad since the school he had been going to was one that believed in conversion therapy. I doubted Kay even considered her son might be gay. Kay said she didn’t want to support that “disgusting practice” any longer and that it was a matter of principle. Good to know she had those.