Rebuild My Heart

by Ariel Tachna

  “You okay?”

  Owen’s grip tightened. “You have no idea how okay.”

  “Tell me?”

  Owen shook his head. “Another time. It’s not first-date material.”

  That piqued Derek’s curiosity, but he didn’t push. Owen would share when he was ready or not at all. “Then tell me if I do anything to make you not okay.”

  Owen ducked his head again, looking up at Derek through his lashes. “I don’t think you have it in you to do anything like that, but I’ll tell you if you do.”

  Derek didn’t deserve Owen’s faith in him, but he couldn’t deny how good it felt to have it. He’d just have to make sure he kept it.

  Derek found a parking spot more easily than he expected, which meant they were early for their reservation, but the hostess found them a place at the bar. “Do you want something to drink while we’re waiting?”

  “Um….”

  “You don’t have to,” Derek said quickly. “Or order a Coke or something.”

  “No, I’ll have a radler,” Owen replied.

  Derek flagged down the bartender and ordered Owen’s radler and a Kentucky Ale for himself. “How long have you lived in Lexington?” he asked while they waited for their drinks.

  “A little over ten years,” Owen said. “I came for college and stayed, like so many people do. What about you?”

  “I grew up here and just never left.”

  “Do you regret that?”

  Derek thought about Thane, about Dalton Construction, about the boys and everything he’d built his life around. Sure, things might be easier if he were farther away from his stepmother, but he’d miss his brother and Thane. “No, not really. I mean, I’ve traveled some, enough to know Lexington is home. Maybe if I hadn’t had Thane and the business, things would be different, but I can’t imagine not working with him.”

  “You’ve been friends a long time?” Owen asked.

  Derek nodded, wondering how the conversation had ended up about him when he’d set out to find out more about Owen. “Since kindergarten. We were the Wonder Twins. Or, depending on who you asked, the Twin Terrors. The only person who never got fed up with us was Lily, Thane’s actual twin. Everyone else had a limit of how much of us they could stand.”

  Owen smiled. “It must be wonderful, having a friend like that.”

  “It is,” Derek agreed, although now that Thane was married, he saw less of him outside of work. He’d never reproach Thane for the attention he paid to Blake. That’s what marriage was all about, but he missed the closeness some days. The bartender set their beers down, and Derek handed him a twenty before Owen could try to pay. “What about you? No old elementary school friends still hanging around?”

  “No, I shook the dust off my feet when I left home, and I’ve never looked back. Besides, no one where I grew up would understand.” Owen gestured to his turquoise hair and down over his emerald green shirt with a self-deprecating smile.

  “Their loss,” Derek said, “but it’s definitely my gain. So you came to Lexington for school. UK? Or Transy?”

  “UK,” Owen said. “I couldn’t afford Transy, even with the financial aid I got. But Gatton is a good business program.”

  That explained the business ownership. “And you chose books because…?”

  “Because there was never going to be anything else,” Owen replied. “I worked in the campus bookstore as part of my financial aid package and got a job at Joseph-Beth during the summers. I loved every minute of it, but I wanted something more personal and intimate than Joseph-Beth, not to mention if I’d gotten high enough up the ladder to use my business degree, I wouldn’t have been working with the books anymore. Having my own shop lets me do it all and feature the specific LGBT content not a lot of other stores carry yet.”

  “Half business, half social activism. I like it.”

  Owen flushed and ducked his chin. “Half business, half pure self-indulgence, more like.”

  “Hey, don’t do that.” Derek reached out and lifted Owen’s chin so their gazes met. “Don’t put yourself down. Maybe it is a bit of self-indulgence, surrounding yourself with books you love and didn’t have access to when you were younger. I had Thane, which helped, but figuring out I’m bi wasn’t a smooth journey, and there was even less out there twenty years ago than there was ten, so I get it. But it’s also making sure kids like Kit don’t have the same problem, and that is social activism, no matter what else it is.”

  The hostess called for their table, interrupting whatever Owen might have replied, but Derek let it go for now. He’d told Owen how admirable and important he considered the work he was doing. That was a good start.

  They grabbed their drinks, and Derek guided Owen with a hand to his back to follow the hostess. Owen leaned into the touch like a puppy starved for affection. Derek frowned at that realization. Had Owen really had so little tenderness the simple touch of Derek’s hand would affect him so? No more. Derek knew now. He’d be fixing that, starting tonight.

  The hostess got them seated in a booth—side by side, because Derek had plans now—and handed them menus. As soon as she walked away, Derek dropped a hand to the space between them and curled his fingers around Owen’s. Owen looked up at him in surprise again before ducking his head in that bashful way Derek couldn’t decide if he loved or hated. “This okay with you?” He tipped his head toward their joined hands in case Owen didn’t follow his train of thought.

  “Yes,” Owen said so softly Derek could barely hear him. “I didn’t think….”

  “Didn’t think what?” Derek prompted. He wasn’t going to like the answer, but at least he’d know.

  “I didn’t think you’d want anyone to know this was a date,” Owen said after a moment. “Men like you—”

  “I think we’ll both be happier if you don’t finish that sentence,” Derek interrupted. “Yes, I’m bi. Yes, I can ‘pass’ if I don’t choose to make an issue of my sexuality in any given situation, but I’m not ashamed of who I am, and I wouldn’t have asked you out if I had an issue with the world knowing we’re together. So whatever the bastard or bastards in your past said, don’t apply it to me. Deal?”

  “Deal,” Owen said breathlessly.

  Derek consciously dialed back the intensity. “You said you like the mac-n-cheese. Are you ordering that tonight, or do you want to be adventurous?”

  Owen peeked up at him through his eyelashes. “I think I’m feeling a little adventurous.”

  Derek smiled, hoping like hell he was reading this right and Owen wasn’t just talking about dinner options. He picked up his beer with his free hand and waited for Owen to do the same so he could tap them together.

  “To being adventurous.”

  Chapter Eight

  EVEN just ordering a radler and only having two, Owen could feel the effects of the alcohol as they left the restaurant. Derek had only had one beer, reminding Owen he was driving, so Owen didn’t worry as he climbed into the car after Derek opened the door for him again. If he was honest, his head was spinning from more than just the alcohol. Owen had dated a little in college, but nobody had taken the time to court him the way Derek was, and they’d mostly gone out in groups anyway. It had always seemed safer. Lexington wasn’t nearly as homophobic as Bailey Switch, but Owen had only trusted that so far. Right after college he’d been too busy setting up his business to date much. Then he’d met Leroy, and that had been all sneaking around and hiding from Leroy’s wife. He’d been too stupid to demand better, and since they’d broken up, he’d been too wary to get back into the dating scene. No one had ever treated him the way Derek had tonight, and he was already addicted.

  “You’re too good to me,” he gushed when Derek put the car in gear and started back toward Owen’s house.

  “No such thing,” Derek replied lightly.

  “Nobody’s ever….”

  “Then they’re all idiots for not treating you decent,” Derek said. “So no more of that.”

  Owen frow
ned at the force in Derek’s tone. It reminded him a little of his father, except Derek was using it to say good things, not bad things. Maybe it wouldn’t be too terrible to listen, just this once. Tomorrow he’d tell Derek not to be quite so forceful. Tonight it made him feel safe.

  They reached Jefferson Street far more quickly than Owen would’ve liked. He didn’t want the evening to end. “You could come in for coffee or something.”

  “If I drink coffee this late, I won’t sleep, and I’ll be late to work tomorrow. The client might not mind”—Owen grinned at Derek—“but my boss is a hardass who expects things like being on time.”

  “What if I texted him and told him I didn’t want the team coming until ten?”

  “He’d yell at me for keeping you out late and putting the project behind schedule,” Derek replied. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.”

  Derek got out and came around to open Owen’s door. Owen stumbled out, his balance more precarious than he realized. “This is why I don’t usually drink,” he slurred, leaning against Derek. “Father wouldn’t approve.”

  Derek frowned as he put an arm around Owen’s waist. “Are you going to be okay getting upstairs by yourself?”

  Owen flushed at the image of Derek taking him upstairs and helping him into bed. “You could come up with me and make sure. I wouldn’t say no.”

  “Which is the problem,” Derek said as they navigated the steps to the side porch. “You wouldn’t say no even if you would normally, and I won’t take advantage of that. Ask me another time when you’re sober and we’ll discuss it. Tonight I’m going to stand on your porch and wait for you to turn on a light upstairs so I know you made it. You’re going to drink a couple of glasses of water, take some Advil, and sleep it off.”

  “You’re a gentleman.”

  “And you’re far too tipsy for your own good.” Derek leaned down to kiss Owen gently. Owen pushed up into the kiss, but Derek kept the touch light. “Go on. Upstairs. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

  Owen pouted, but he fumbled with the keys until he could let himself inside. He watched Derek through the storm door for a minute, hoping he’d change his mind, but Derek just made shooing motions with his hand. Giving up, Owen closed and locked the door and climbed the stairs carefully. He flipped on the light in his sitting area so Derek would know he’d made it, then swayed his way into the bathroom to drink some water and take some Advil as Derek had suggested. This was why Father forbade alcohol—because it made him lose control. It wouldn’t be so bad if Derek was here with him, but now that he was alone, the emptiness of the apartment weighed on him. Even now, ten years after leaving home, he couldn’t get used to the silence. It had never been silent in the little house growing up, between his brothers’ breathing, his father’s snores, the general noises of an old house, the birds and insects outside the open windows.

  He should get a cat. Then he wouldn’t be lonely.

  Or he should go to bed and quit feeling sorry for himself. He’d had a perfectly wonderful date with a perfectly wonderful gentleman. For once in his life, everything was going his way. Next time he’d stick to water, and Derek might stay. Wasn’t that what he’d said? They’d discuss it when Owen was sober? If he wasn’t interested, he’d just say no, which meant he was interested, even if Owen was a country hick who’d never completely lost his accent.

  He brushed his teeth and wandered into his bedroom. The king-size bed was one of the few personal indulgences he’d allowed himself, funneling everything else back into the store. Stretching out on it, it was all too easy to imagine Derek there with him. Even as big as Derek was, they’d have plenty of room to roll around on the bed and enjoy each other. Owen wondered what Derek liked. Would he be as forceful in bed as he’d been about not taking advantage of Owen while he was drunk? That thought sent a shiver through Owen. He could see it clearly: Derek looming over him, pressing him back into the bed, not letting Owen move as he sought out every last place that made Owen tremble and moan. Derek might be a forceful lover, but he’d never be a selfish one. He’d leave Owen a quivering mess before he even thought about his own pleasure.

  Ignoring his father’s lectures on the dangers of the flesh, Owen let his imagination run wild as he slipped a hand into his pants. Derek’s hand would be larger, harder, covered with calluses from his work. Owen had felt them as they held hands tonight. He couldn’t wait to feel them elsewhere. It took a ridiculously short time to lose all control in the wake of that thought. Owen wiped his hand on his boxers and tossed them aside before shrugging off his shirt too. He checked his phone to make sure his alarm was set, only to find a text from Derek.

  I had a good time tonight. Dream of me?

  That was almost enough to get Owen ready for a second round, but the release had wrung him out, leaving him at the edge of sleep.

  I will.

  He set his phone down and curled around the extra pillow, a poor substitute for Derek, but all he was going to get tonight.

  DEREK seriously considered getting to Thane’s at exactly eight o’clock to pick up the boys so he’d have an excuse not to linger and tell Thane about his date, but if he did that, he’d end up paying for it later in some subtle—or not so subtle—way. Accepting the questions and teasing as inevitable, he got there early enough to share a cup of coffee with Thane and Blake before leaving for Owen’s and work.

  “Good morning,” Blake called as Derek walked in through the kitchen door, having left his boots on the porch outside. Derek had long since stopped knocking if there were lights on in the kitchen.

  “Hey, Blake.” Derek tossed the keys in the bowl where Blake and Thane kept them so they wouldn’t lose them. “Thanks again for letting me borrow your car.”

  “You’re welcome, anytime,” Blake replied as he poured a cup of coffee and handed it to Derek. “Did you have a good time?”

  He’d had a great time. Owen was sweet and funny and just a little sarcastic when he loosened up enough to forget he was shy. “It was nice.”

  “Does that mean it was so nice you don’t want to share it with anyone, or is that damning it with faint praise?”

  Derek rolled his eyes. “You can’t just take the comment for what it is?”

  “You know me better than that,” Blake said with a laugh. “Come on, spill.”

  Derek gave in to the inevitable. “I had a really good time. He’s just so….” Perfect, but if he said that, he’d never hear the end of it.

  “Speechless?” Thane joked, walking into the room on the tail end of Derek’s comment. “Do you see, Blake? The great Derek Jackson left speechless by a shy little bookstore owner with a great—”

  “Attitude,” Derek interrupted before Thane could say ass. Yes, Owen had a great ass, but it wasn’t why Derek had asked him out or why he’d enjoyed the evening so much.

  Thane chortled. “Oh, you’ve got it bad, buddy.”

  “He’s more than just an attractive package,” Derek muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know how hard it is to start and run your own business. Yeah, he’s selling books instead of building houses, but he’s still making something of it.”

  “I have every respect for him as a business owner,” Thane said, “but that doesn’t mean I want to get in his pants.”

  “I should hope not,” Blake said drolly. Derek flipped him the bird, but Blake just laughed.

  “You can pretend all you want, but I know what you look like when you get lucky,” Thane continued, ignoring Blake’s comment and Derek’s reaction.

  Derek couldn’t stop his smile. “He had a little too much to drink, so I sent him inside to sleep it off, so get your thoughts out of the gutter. But you’re right about me getting lucky. He shouldn’t have given me a second glance.”

  “None of that bullshit,” Thane said. “That’s Marlene talking.”

  Marlene used his failings like a cudgel to get her way, but her bitchiness didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t gone to college or made a living r
ehabbing houses. Or was forty and still single, and that the longest relationship he’d ever managed had only lasted six months. Okay, he could lay most of that one at Marlene’s feet, but the others rested squarely on his shoulders. “Yeah, yeah. Are the boys about ready?”

  “I thought they were. I’ll go see what’s keeping them,” Blake said, leaving Thane and Derek alone in the kitchen.

  “Okay, spill, Jackson. It’s just you and me now. What’s up?”

  “I really like him,” Derek admitted. “He’s this mix of contradictions. One minute he’s shy and blushing at something like me opening a door for him, and the next minute he says something quirky or even snarky that hints at all these hidden depths. I don’t know how to do this. Marlene has fucked up every relationship I haven’t managed to fuck up on my own.”

  “Well, for one thing, you don’t spring her on him without a full disclosure,” Thane said. “If he feels the same way you feel about him, he’ll see through her bullshit and chalk her up as one of those things you just have to live with. For all you know, his family is even worse than yours.”

  Derek snorted. “That’ll be the day.” Although Owen had mentioned family troubles, so maybe he’d be more understanding than some of Derek’s exes had been.

  “Look, I can’t tell you what to do. You’re an adult, and you know your own mind better than I could, but I can tell you this. When you meet the right one, all the work and all the bumps in the road are worth it.” Thane glanced back over his shoulder where Blake had disappeared deeper into the house. “He’s worth any amount of work or sacrifice or headache.”

  The familiar pang of longing twinged at Derek’s heart. For so long it had been him and Thane against the world. He would never begrudge Thane his happiness—because there was no denying Blake made Thane happy in a way nothing else had ever done—but he couldn’t help feeling a little like an outsider now. Blake had slotted into Thane’s life seamlessly, completing their perfect little family, kids and all. He scolded himself silently for his bitterness. He knew better than anyone how much effort Blake and Thane had put into making their relationship work and how close they’d come to not making it, and they both welcomed Derek with open arms anytime he came over. The difference was that at the end of the day, he went home to an empty bed while they went upstairs together.