Sin and Discipline

by Lily White

  So excited to get home and tell Lennon about what had happened, I ran outside and was halfway to my car when I slammed into a person I hadn’t seen standing in the parking lot, a wall of muscle that knocked me back.

  “Sorry,” I said, still not paying attention when the person’s hand landed on my shoulder and stopped me from continuing forward.

  “Amelia...”

  I froze in place, my eyes squinting against the late afternoon sun to realize my brother had been standing outside waiting for me. His expression was hard, worry obvious in his eyes. It was the same look he always gave me when he couldn’t pay the mortgage and needed me to participate in some ridiculous scheme.

  No. I wasn’t doing this. I wouldn’t let him threaten everything when the scholarship was almost in my hands.

  “Go away, Ben. I’m not helping you anymore.”

  I tried to pull away from him, but his hand locked down on my shoulder so hard it made me wince. “I’m not here for that.”

  Spinning on my heel, I glared at him. “Then why are you here, Ben? What could you possibly want from me?”

  His jaw ticked, pain rolling across his features when he realized that I was angry for all the ways he’d used me. “Amelia, listen, I know you’re mad-“

  “I’m not mad, okay I am, but I’m also hurt. I love you, Ben. You were always there for me and you took care of me when Mom and Dad couldn’t, but at the same time you made me do things I wasn’t comfortable with and-“

  “Amelia, stop. Please. I get that. Okay? But that’s not why I’m here.”

  Gripping the strap of my bag, I pulled my shoulder away from him finally and met his stare. “Then why are you here?”

  His expression fell, sorrow obvious behind his grey eyes.

  “There’s something you need to see, Amelia. I need you to come to the house.”

  Stepping away from him, I shook my head. “No. There’s nothing there for me. You’re just trying to trick me into helping you again.”

  From behind me Ben yelled, “Damn it, Amelia, this isn’t about me or the house.”

  I stilled in place, my teeth clenching together because I couldn’t understand what else he could want. My voice was harsh when I asked, “Then what the hell else could it be about?”

  Turning I locked my eyes with his, clawed fingers gripping around my heart when he said, “It’s about Emaline.”

  Lennon

  Through my life, Jennison’s had always been a refuge of sorts for me. It was a place that kept me off the streets while other kids were doing drugs or committing crimes. It was a place where I felt welcomed and included when my parents couldn’t give much of a fuck whether I was happy, fed or even alive. It was also a place I could run to when I needed advice, and although the man who had practically raised me was no longer in that store to sit me down and talk to me about my problems, my best friend still could be found within its walls - a man who would drop everything to help me.

  It wasn’t surprising that following my fight with Amelia, the store was the only place I could think to run. And almost as soon as I stepped between its glass doors with the guitar strings strumming above my head, Dizzy had turned to look at me, immediately guessing that something wasn’t right.

  Sitting me down, Dizzy was much like his father in the way he gave it to me straight for several hours.

  “You know, brother, I hate to say this...” He paused, his dark eyes meeting mine as he scrubbed his hand over the back of his neck.

  “At some point in your life, you’re going to have to let Emaline go. Her death has haunted you since the day you discovered her body, and here we are, ten years later, and it’s still following you around as a thick shadow.”

  I couldn’t argue with him, yet I didn’t know how to separate my past from my present. For years, I’d thought I’d escaped the pain of losing my sister, but one summer spent near Sheldon had brought all of it back to the surface, revealing to me that I hadn’t escaped anything...I’d merely tucked it away to allow it to fester and grow.

  Dizzy’s gaze softened. “Tell me the truth, Lennon, and don’t give me any bullshit because you’re too afraid to reveal your heart: How do you feel about Amelia?”

  Shaking my head, I almost told him I didn’t know. But then, that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? In truth, I felt more for Amelia than I’d felt for any person in my life...any person, that is, except for my sister.

  “I can’t be the reason she gives up on Hastings-“

  “That’s not what I asked you,” Dizzy said, cutting me off. “I asked how you feel about her.”

  My lips tilted into a grin because I should have known he wouldn’t let me redirect the question so easily. “I-“

  Fuck! Why was this so hard to say out loud?

  Taking a breath, I spit it out. “I think I could love her.”

  Dizzy laughed. “You think you could? Or you know that you already do? Don’t lie to me, Lennon. I’ll know.”

  He slapped my shoulder. “Hell, I already know the answer. It’s about damn time you admit it to yourself.”

  Behind us the guitar strummed. Dizzy nodded his head at whoever had walked through, his eyes returning to me. “Tell you what, I have a lesson I need to teach, but if you want to hang around, we can continue this in an hour.”

  Glancing at a clock on the wall, I realized it was getting late. By now, Amelia would have finished her performance, would have learned whether she was moving forward or if she’d been cut. Despite the argument we had this morning, I wanted to know what happened.

  That, and I needed to apologize to her for how critical I’d been with her over the past few weeks.

  Emaline’s death had nothing to do with Amelia, yet I’d unloaded all that weight on her shoulders so I didn’t have to bear it alone. Until this morning, she didn’t know even know she’d been carrying it.

  “Actually, I should get going. Amelia will be back at the house and she’ll either need a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate with her.”

  Reaching out to slap my hand and knock his knuckles against mine, Dizzy smiled. “I hope she made it. And if she did, tell her congratulations from me.”

  I left after promising him we’d hang out again before the summer ended and I left town. The drive home was quick because I had been too lost in my thoughts to pay attention. Pulling into the driveway, I was happy to see Amelia’s car there, but worried about what I would find when I walked inside.

  Taking a deep breath, I turned off the SUV and climbed out, my steps unhurried as I wound my way up the path that led to the side door.

  The house was silent when I stepped inside. Worried what that could mean, I searched the downstairs rooms for Amelia. Not finding her, I ran upstairs to find her curled into a ball, asleep on the bed.

  Concern flooded me instantly. Running over to sit beside her, I touched her shoulder, fear tracing a path up my spine when her eyes flicked open, the rims swollen and stained red from crying.

  Damn. I should have known better that to leave her the way I did this morning. There was no doubt in my mind that our argument played a part in her losing the scholarship – that my exhausting her for weeks on end had taken away the spark of the music inside her and replaced it with the same robotic bullshit I hated to hear in other players.

  Watching her without saying a word, I waited while she pushed up into a seated position, her teal eyes meeting mine with so much heartache behind them that it strangled a part inside me as well.

  Brushing the hair away from her face, I searched her face, anger tightening the muscles in my shoulders to think that a bitch like Jillian would move forward in the competition.

  “What happened?”

  My voice was barely a whisper, the silence in the room so thick that I felt anything louder would crush the beautiful girl who was staring up at me like she didn’t have a friend in the world.

  Clearing her throat, Amelia darted her gaze away from me, the teal color glassing over with new tears now that
she was awake. “I won,” she admitted on a voice that was gritty with sleep and heartache. “I’ll continue forward to the final competition in two weeks.”

  Surprise shot my brows up my face, my heart thumping harder to hear she would continue in the program. Pulling her to me, I rested my cheek against the top of her head, surprised to feel her body shaking with silent sobs.

  “Is this about our fight, Amelia. Because if it is-“

  She pulled away from me, her eyes meeting mine as her features twisted until it was a mess of sharp lines. “Lennon, there’s something I have to tell you and you’re not going to like it.”

  Pausing, she scooted away from my touch, a breath rattling her chest as she lifted her eyes to meet mine. “Actually, it’s more something I need to show you.”

  Confused by the pain I clearly saw in her expression, I reached out to touch her. She pulled away, her head shaking just a touch as she moved and placed more distance between us.

  I felt like a complete ass for what I’d done to her this morning. “Amelia, I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to compare you to Emaline. I’m just so fucked up by being near Sheldon that it’s hard to separate what happened in my past with what’s happening with you.”

  Her eyes lifted to mine, her arms crossing over her chest as if she couldn’t stand to be this close to me.

  Clearing her throat, she admitted, “It’s not that. Well, it is that, but-“

  Her voice trailed off, more tears slipping down her cheeks. “I need you to follow me, Lennon. I learned something today that,” sobs broke her words apart, her hand reaching to slap away the tears. “You just need to see this, okay? You’ll understand in a few minutes, but I can’t keep secrets from you. I promised you no secrets.”

  Not understanding where this was going, I didn’t move until she’d crawled off the bed to walk to the bedroom door. Stopping before she’d passed through, Amelia turned to me with apology written into her face.

  She had nothing to be sorry for. Still, worry swept in to mingle with my anger with myself. “What is this about?”

  Exhaling a heavy breath, she answered, “Ben came to my school today-“

  Son of a bitch. I should have killed him when I had the fucking chance.

  “Lennon, he found out what happened to Emaline.”

  Every muscle in my body was tense, pain shooting down my jaw for how hard I clenched my teeth. My voice came out on a low growl, “What do you mean?”

  Rubbing her hands over her arms, Amelia begged, “Just come with me, please? You need to see this to understand.”

  “Just tell me.”

  I couldn’t move, my body rooted to where I sat because I wasn’t in a state of mind to deal with this. How the fuck had Ben been able to figure out what happened to my sister so quickly when I’d spent years trying to do the same with no fucking answers?

  Keeping my eyes locked on Amelia, I didn’t miss how her body shook on unsteady legs. She was terrified of whatever it was her brother had discovered.

  “Please, Lennon.”

  It was obvious she wouldn’t tell me unless I followed her. Pushing up onto my feet I followed her down to the entertainment room on the first floor, silently leaning a shoulder against the doorframe as she moved to the DVD player and slipped a disc inside it.

  Holding the remote in her hand, she walked back and gave it to me, her eyes lifting to meet mine.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, confusing me even more because she hadn’t done anything that would have caused Emaline to kill herself.

  Terrified to see whatever it was on that disc, I could barely speak above a whisper. “Just tell me what it is.”

  Her upper body shook with another tremulous breath, her hands reaching for my body before she reconsidered and pulled them away. The space between us was too heavy, a million unspoken thoughts colliding against each other until she made a decision and admitted what she was too afraid to tell me.

  “Something in the note you showed Ben triggered a suspicion in his head. Over the past three weeks, he’s been digging through our storage shed, going over years of recordings my parents kept of their students.”

  A memory came back to me at the mention of those recordings. Often Emaline would bring them home to watch in order to critique her performance and perfect it. I’d often sat with her to watch the tapes, Lila’s voice speaking off camera to point out all the areas in the music where Emaline could improve.

  I’d completely forgotten about them after my sister died, and whatever tapes that had been left behind were destroyed in the fire that eventually claimed my parents house. The same fire that left it condemned, a gutted skeleton of what had been my childhood home.

  Wringing her hands, Amelia couldn’t look at me when she said, “When my father first started experiencing problems, he hid it from us. I don’t know why. He was probably scared to admit it to himself that he even had a problem. We think he continued teaching for at least a year before his condition became so severe that there was no denying it existed. During that year, he had slips...”

  Her eyes met mine again. “And during those slips his past bled into his present. He didn’t know, Lennon. He was ill and he didn’t-“

  I didn’t need to see the tapes to know where she was going with this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see them, but if it would answer a question I’d had for ten long ass years, I would endure whatever it was on that disc.

  Whispering, Amelia said, “Just watch the tape. Ben compiled what he found and transferred enough onto the disc to clue us in to what happened.”

  With that, she brushed past me to leave the room, my legs weak as I stood at the doorway with remote in hand. Stepping deeper into the room, I sank down onto a seat on one of the leather couches, my thumb hovering over the play button while my mind raced to make sense of what Amelia had confessed.

  I didn’t want to believe, couldn’t figure out how to process it, refused to accept that for the past ten years I’d known the name of the man that had pushed my sister into taking her life.

  My hand was shaking when I finally found the courage to hit play, my eyes unblinking as an image of my sister appeared on the screen, her back to the camera as James Dillon paced behind her. She was playing her favorite song, the same one I’d played to James to calm him down at Amelia’s house. The same song Amelia had admitted to me had been her mother’s favorite as well.

  While Emaline played, James stopped his movement behind her, the music still playing, her fingers fumbling over a measure I knew she knew by heart when James reached to brush his hand down her long brown hair.

  The tape cut off, a new image coming into view of Emaline playing yet again, the camera set to the side of her this time as her lips pulled into a smile I believed I would never see again for as long as I lived. When she spoke, I shuddered, the memory of her voice forcing its way through me with such violence I couldn’t stop my body from reacting.

  “I love you, James. I hope you know that...”

  A deeper voice answered from off camera, “Keep playing...”

  Again, the frame changed, another day, another song, but this time, Emaline pushed up to her feet when her fingers left the keys, a man’s body tugging her closer, their heads coming together for a long kiss.

  I was going to be sick, the rage inside me mixing with such horrible sorrow that I couldn’t swallow down the fetid taste of bile crawling up my throat, couldn’t hold back the tears that stung my eyes as an answer to all my questions played out in front of me.

  The scene kept changing, bits and pieces coming together like puzzle pieces of a nightmare I would never escape and by the time I reached the end, the truth of what happened was set free.

  In the last clip, my sister sat on the edge of the piano, her skirt pushed up to her hips, James Dillon’s body wedged between her knees and when she told him she loved him again as his hand fisted in her hair, he kissed her softly before calling her Lila.

  I expected my sister to act s
urprised to learn he didn’t know who she was, but what I didn’t expect was for her to smile, despite the pain that was so clearly visible in her eyes, before nodding and pretending she wasn’t a student in love with her teacher, but instead that she was the wife of a man who was too confused and ill to remember that his wife had died.

  Emaline had known he thought she was someone else, and yet her love for him was so strong that she’d destroyed her own soul just for a few moments where she could pretend to be everything he loved and needed.

  This is what Amelia had meant when she said her father didn’t know. It all clicked together that while my sister had believed her teacher was falling in love with her, he was a victim to his condition, believing that his dead wife was still alive and well.

  James Dillon had been the reason my sister heart was torn apart. A man who, through his condition had made Amelia’s life hell. A man I now supported by paying for the nursing home where he lived.

  I wanted to hate him for the role he’d played in my sister’s death, but what was worse was that I couldn’t stop hating Emaline for what she had done.

  This is what she’d meant by saying she’d taken advantage.

  This is why she’d died believing she was too horrible to continue living her life.

  But yet, I still couldn’t stop blaming James.

  He had destroyed a part of me. And through a cruel twist of fate, I had fallen in love with his only daughter, so much so that I’d taken him off her hands and put him in a place where he could live as comfortably as possible for the rest of his life.

  The television screen cracked after I threw the remote at it, my mouth opening on a scream of pure rage.

  And as all the anger and heartache that I’d barely contained over the ten years since my sister had died came pouring out, I destroyed the room around me, the couches ripped apart, the walls taking the brunt of my fury and pain as my fists punched holes into the plaster.

  Everything around me was destroyed just as thoroughly as I felt destroyed inside. I could no longer contain the monster that had existed within me for too long.