Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection

by Gianna Gabriela

  They’ve welcomed me and my son into their family. Jonah’s mom, Trina, has even become friends with my mom. They don’t hang out a whole lot, but occasionally they’ll go to lunch, or my mom will take Alex over for a visit.

  “Baby are you hungry, or did Uncle Jonah feed you?” He snuggles in my lap.

  “I’m starbing.”

  “It’s starving, not starbing.” He still has trouble with the V sound. “How about I cook us a couple turkey dogs with a side of fruit and yogurt?”

  “Yes!” he shouts before running into the kitchen. I get up and chase after him.

  “How did he do?” my mom asks in my ear as I buckle Alex into his car seat.

  “He did great.” I climb into the driver’s seat. “He cried a little with the second set of shots, but other than that he did great. Alex is in the eightieth percentile for both his height and weight, and now we’re going to go have lunch at McDonald’s so someone can get a happy meal, and then we’re going to go to the park.”

  “Okay honey, well kiss my boy for me and have fun.” I hang up and then we head to get him some lunch.

  After he eats his happy meal and plays for a little bit in the tubes, we make our way down to the park that’s at one end of the bike path. As soon as we’re out of the car, I chase after Alex as he runs to the swings. “Mommy push me!” He definitely isn’t letting some shots slow him down.

  I lift him up onto the swing. “Hold on tight baby.” Placing my hands over his, I start moving his swing back and forth, then I let go of his hands and lightly push him. I’m not pushing him very fast, but his excited squeals would make you think otherwise. When he gets going pretty good, I come around the front and take a couple pictures of him. His smile is wide and joyful, just like my dad’s was.

  His attention span is very short so it’s not too much longer before he wants down. He pumps his little arms as he runs toward the jungle gym. “Alex be careful.”

  “I will Mommy!” He climbs up the stairs and I watch him disappear into a tube, then I move around until I spot him sliding down. He runs past me again and then goes right back up the stairs. He does this a few more times before he runs around the jungle gym and I hear his excited squeal. I run around the corner and spot him petting a huge dog, who’s licking his face.

  “Alex, baby.” The man with the dog stands up to his full height and when he looks at me, I feel the park start to spin. “Brock?” I trip over my feet and fall hard on my ass.

  “Mommy! Mommy!” I jerk to my feet and find people staring at me.

  “Alex?” I look around, trying to avoid looking at Brock.

  “He’s right over there.” A lady stands over me. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I turn to see Alex next to the huge dog with his arms wound around the animal’s neck. “Come here, honey. Mommy’s okay.” I turn to the woman. “I’m okay, I promise.” The whole time I ignore the fact that Brock is standing right next to me.

  His familiar scent wraps around me, one I used to take comfort in, but now the wounds I thought were healed are ripping open. I need to get out of here before I lose it. On wobbly legs, I rush to Alex and wrap my arms around him. “I’m okay baby, I promise. Let’s get going so we can go to Ed’s okay?” He kisses the dog on the nose and then grabs my outstretched hand.

  “Ripley, wait.” I hear Brock calling after me, but I keep moving. My car is a hundred yards away and as I move toward it, it seems like it keeps getting farther and farther away.

  “Mommy what’s wrong?” I realize I’m dragging him behind me and I stop, taking a deep breath to get myself under control.

  I pick Alex up and hug him close. “Nothing’s wrong, baby. Mommy’s just so hungry and wants to eat some pizza.” I set him back down and we walk toward my car. When I reach it, I look behind me and see that Brock is gone—why does that hurt? Was I expecting him to run after me? What was I really expecting since he’s the one who left me? Pain sparks in my chest, but I push it away. I’ll keep it together until Alex is in bed sleeping and I’m alone.

  When I go to stick the key in the ignition, I realize my hands are shaking. I shake them out and try to shake off the unsettled feeling that washes over me. What if I hallucinated the whole thing? No, it felt too real to not be, and I can still smell him.

  By the time we reach Ed’s, I’m somewhat calmed down. I’ve been coming to Ed’s since I was a girl. Ed and his wife Gloria don’t do much of the cooking anymore—it’s mostly in the hands of their kids—but they’re always there and usually stop by to chat. They absolutely love Alex, which makes sense because he is pretty lovable. Usually Gloria brings him a cookie after we eat.

  We step inside and as the familiar scent of pizza sauce washes over me, my stomach immediately growls. Alex’s little laugh makes me smile, and Brock is soon forgotten…sort of.

  Gloria’s standing by register and when she sees us, she comes rushing over. “Ripley! How are you, beautiful girl?” She hugs and kisses my cheek before bending down. “Hello Sir Alex.” Ed knighted Alex one night, and it was the cutest thing. Now they call him Sir Alex.

  “Hi Miss Gloria. Mommy brought me for pizza since I was a big boy when I got shot today.” Gloria looks at me with wide eyes.

  “He had his well-child checkup and had to get a few shots. You did so good buddy.”

  Gloria grabs Alex’s hand and leads us to our usual table. She tells us she’ll grab our drinks and will be right back. Alex colors on the paper tablecloth, and I love times like this when he concentrates hard on something because his little tongue peeks out between his lips. She brings me a Cola and brings Alex a glass of milk—he’d drink milk all day every day if I let him.

  Our waitress comes and I order us a large pizza with everything. I’m very thankful that my boy is a good eater. If I put it in front of him, he’ll eat it. He continues to color and my eyes don’t leave his little blond head. Guilt plagues me when I think about the fact that I had almost had an abortion when I found out I was pregnant with him.

  I shake those thoughts off. I prefer to leave the past in the past; it does me no good to think about that stuff. Our pizza comes and I get Alex a piece, cutting it into manageable pieces for him and making him wait for it to cool. “Do you want cheese?”

  “Yes please.” I sprinkle the parmesan cheese on top of his pieces until he tells me when.

  “Such good manners, baby. Good job.”

  “Grammy says if I have good manners I get treats.” Of course my mom gives him treats. This boy is spoiled, but with so much love, it makes my heart swell.

  We both dig into our pizza, and the crust, sauce, cheese, sausage, and veggies taste like heaven in my mouth. I keep my eyes on Alex because sometimes he tries to shovel too much in. About six months ago, he started choking on a piece of bread, and I panicked and didn’t handle it right. Stupidly, I reached into his mouth, but luckily I was able to grab the bread. After that, I made sure I knew how to deal with it if he chocked again.

  Alex has eaten three pieces by the time we’re done. His face is covered in pizza sauce and he’s got a milk mustache. I grab the wipes out of my purse and lean over the table to clean his face off. My boy hates it and tries to pull his head away. “Alex stop, you’ve got sauce all over your face.”

  “I don’t like it, it hurts.”

  “Oh it does not. You’re fine.” Our waitress brings us a box for our pizza and I pack it away. Now we’ll have lunch for tomorrow, though knowing Jonah, they’ll pick him up early so they can keep him all day.

  Hand in hand, we walk outside to my car. I set the box on top while I get Alex settled into his seat and buckled in, then I grab our pizza and we head home.

  I kiss Alex’s forehead before turning on his nightlight and leaving his room. Downstairs, I grab a glass of water and settle in on the couch. I pick up my phone and send Jonah a text message.

  Ripley: Why were you acting weird yesterday?

  It doesn’t take long before he answers me.

&nbs
p; Jonah: I wasn’t’t acting weird.

  Ripley: You saw him too, didn’t you?

  Instead of receiving another text, my phone rings. “Hey.”

  “Rip, where did you see him? What happened?” I close my eyes and rub the pain in my chest.

  “T-Today at the park, Alex saw the big dog, and I saw who he belonged to.” I suck in a deep breath. “Why is he back?” The pain I feel is making my voice sound hoarse. “When I saw him, I tripped and fell on my ass.”

  “Jesus Ripley, I’m sorry you saw him, or at least that it happened the way it did. He told me his mom finally left his dad, so he must be home for that. Are you okay? Do you need us to come over?” He’s the best.

  “No, I’m okay, I promise.” I’m such a good liar.

  “I want to start singing ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire,’ but I won’t.” He’s quiet for a minute. “I’m here for you, whenever you need me. You know that right?”

  My throat aches and tears fill my eyes. “I know.” My voice is quiet. “I love you, Jonah.”

  “I love you too honey.” Jonah’s fiancée is amazing, and there are no jealous feelings between her and me. She knows the love Jonah and I feel for each other is the type of love close siblings share. “We’ll be over around eleven to get little man tomorrow, okay?”

  “I’ll have his bag ready.” We hang up and I lie back on my couch, staring at my bookcase and the tiny frame that sits towards the back.

  Kat took the picture of Brock and me during a class trip to the zoo. We were on the train that goes through the exhibits, and he grabbed me and put me on his lap. We both wore cheesy grins.

  Brock looks different now…older. I know it’s been six years, and I tried to avoid looking at him closely, but it didn’t get by me that he’s lost any softness in his features. He was always lean and muscular, but now those muscles are more defined. He almost reminded me of a predator. It doesn’t matter though, because I am just going to try to steer clear of him, and hopefully he’ll be gone soon.

  Up in my bedroom, I change into my nightgown then move into the bathroom. I brush my teeth and lean forward, looking at myself in the mirror. What did he think when he saw me? Did he think I looked older too? Maybe heavier? Even though I did lose all the baby weight, I still have curves that weren’t there before. My boobs are still perky but they’re smaller now, which is disappointing. I breastfed Alex for the first year of his life and thought for sure they’d stay big, but nope, they shrunk up right away.

  My hair is in desperate need of a cut since it’s down to the middle of my back now. Alex’s hair is the same ash blond as mine, his eyes are a deeper blue, and he’s got the same peaches-and-cream skin tone as me.

  After rinsing my mouth, I step into Alex’s room and sit down on the side of his little racecar bed that Uncle Jonah insisted he needed. I stroke my hand over his head and smile as he settles deeper into his covers. Leaning over, I bury my nose in his hair, inhaling his little boy scent. My lips graze the top of his head before I stand up and move across the hall to my room.

  As I stare at the ceiling, I pray that I have a dreamless night. I stopped dreaming of Brock every night a long time ago, and I have no intention of letting him invade my dreams again.

  8

  BROCK

  I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, but after the park, I run Tiny back to my grandparents’ home and tell them I’ll be back later. When I pull up in front of Ed’s Pizzeria, I spot them right away. Ripley is a mom, and that hurts. The boy looks like the male version of his mom, so in other words, the kid is gorgeous. Time has definitely been good to Rip. I missed her smile so much, and her giving it to her son makes him one lucky kid. It warms something inside me to watch the two of them interact with each other.

  Where is the dad? Is it or was it a serious relationship? Does she love him? My eyes slam shut, trying to block out the pain. It’s completely selfish of me to want her to not love anyone else—I know this, I just don’t care.

  One of the best moments is when Ripley leans forward and says something to her son, and then both of them throw their heads back laughing like they are the only two people in the world. Why do I ache to be a part of it? When they leave I follow them to what I assume is their home.

  I stay far enough away that she won’t see me as they get out and go inside. A few minutes later, I pull my truck closer, but honestly I can’t see anything. I half expect a man to show up, a husband or boyfriend, but no one appears. One thing that has been on my mind is wondering what Jonah was doing with her son yesterday—are they friends now, and if so, why?

  Twice I get out of my truck, prepared to go up to her front door and knock, but then I decide it’s not a good idea and get back in.

  I don’t stay too much longer before I decide to head to my grandparents. When I get back, Tiny greets me at the door. “Hey, boy. Were you good?” He butts his head into my hip before plopping back down on his dog bed.

  My mom’s sitting in the dining room sewing, and my grandparents are out playing bingo. “Hi, honey. What have you been up to?”

  “Did you know Ripley has a child? A little boy?” Her eyes widen and she shakes her head back and forth. “He’s beautiful. He looks just like her.”

  “I had no clue. People talk, but I never heard anything about Ripley at all.” She grabs my hand. “Is it your child?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat because when I saw him, a big part of me wished he were a little bit older so I could say he might be mine. I slowly shake my head. “I don’t know a lot about kids, but I do know he’s too young to be mine.” I clear my throat, but it does nothing to clear the lump that’s lodged there.

  “I’m sorry honey.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I don’t plan on ever having kids—I don’t want Dad’s poison leaking into me.” It’s not entirely true, but I’m not going there right now.

  The night I hit Ripley flashes through my mind like it always does when I think about my future.

  Squeezing my hand tight, my mom leans toward me. “I know I stayed with your father a lot longer than I should’ve, but you are not him. You’ve had good men in your life to guide you and show you the way. What happened between you and Ripley was an accident. No one and I mean no one thinks badly of you because of it. After you left, everyone was so worried about you and about Ripley. I get why you left, but it’s time for you to get your life back. It’s time to forgive yourself for what happened and move on.” I bring my mom’s hand to my lips and kiss the back of it.

  In my room, I lie down on my bed and feel it depress as Tiny climbs up onto it, snuggling next to me. I absently stroke his head as thoughts of Ripley flow through my mind like they always do, and I realize there is something I need to do. I grab my phone and pull up Tiffany’s number.

  “Hi! What are you doing?” Tiffany chirps in an overly excited voice when she answers the phone.

  “Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you about something.” How do I let her down, tell her I just need to figure some stuff out? Fuck…what am I doing? Ripley and I are ancient history, though just thinking about the word history causes a knot to form in my chest.

  “Okay.” She drags out the word slowly, and it’s obvious she knows something is going on, knows I’m going to say something she won’t like. “Just tell me whatever it is.”

  “Here it is.” I begin to tell her everything, from meeting Ripley in high school all the way up to seeing her earlier today. “I need to get some closure, or talk to her…fuck, I don’t know. I need to see her, to talk to her, and until I get that all figured out, I think we shouldn’t see each other, but I promise when I get back we’ll talk and see where things are at.” Silence greets me. “Please don’t think I expect you to stay single, so if you meet someone, explore it and be happy.”

  “W-Wow. O-Okay, I guess, if you’re sure that’s what you want. Can I text you? Check in with you?” She’s a total sweetheart, and I still can’t figure out why Tiny doesn’t like her.

&n
bsp; “That’d be great sweetheart. We’ll talk soon.” She says bye and we both hang up. “That was too fucking easy,” I mutter to myself.

  Getting up, I grab some shorts out of the dresser and jump in the shower before heading to bed. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but something tells me I’ll need to be ready. For what, I have no idea.

  RIPLEY

  I love my son more than life itself, but I’ll admit I’ve enjoyed my day of relaxation. So far I’ve gotten groceries, picked up the house, and finished laundry, which sometimes feels never ending with a little boy in the house. Now I’ve got a face mask on and check the temperature of the bathwater. This duplex may not be in the best part of town, but the bathroom almost makes it worth it. The sunken Jacuzzi tub filled with hot water and my favorite lavender scent is my favorite place to be, especially after a long day.

  My hand reaches up to make sure my hair is all up there. It’s so long right now, it takes forever to dry. Gingerly, I step into the tub and sink down into the scented lusciousness. I rest my head against the little pillow and close my eyes. Thoughts of Brock try to encroach on my relaxation time, but I try to push them out. He wouldn’t like the woman I’ve become since he left.

  I was weak and made stupid decision after stupid decision. Kat quit talking to me, which hurt because she was my best friend, but I was just too much of a mess for her. Cale tried to stay in my life after everything happened, but seeing him reminded me too much of Brock, so I slowly cut him out of my life. I tried to push Jonah away, especially after the summer of our freshman year in college. I was embarrassed and depressed after what happened and hated the fact that he saw me at my worst.