“Thank you,” I whisper.
Caden strides forward first, carefully pulling me into the tightest hug I can handle. When he moves away, he grabs my face and kisses my forehead.
“Welcome home, Em.”
In the short time that I’ve been dating his brother, I’ve grown incredibly close to Caden. He came to see me every day in the hospital, and he even helped Levi get me through one of my nightmares there. He’s an amazing man, much like his brother.
Lily looks nervous, and her eyes keep darting between me and her father. Levi nods at her and she comes running at me, tiny cries coming out of her. Lily flings herself into my arms, and even though a sharp pain pierces my chest, I still pick her up, her face pressed against my shoulder. Brushing her soft hair back, I look down into her little face and see tear stains on her cheeks.
“We’ll be right back,” I say to the others, and I carry Lily into the living room so we can have some privacy. I take a deep breath through the pain and sit on the couch with her cradled on my lap.
“Oh, sweetie pie. What’s the matter?”
“I missed you so much,” she sniffles, sitting up so we’re nose to nose.
“I missed you too, Lily. But I’m okay, I promise. I know my face looks funny, but it’s just temporary. I’m still the same old Emmy, okay?”
“Okay. Can I make it all better?” Lily leans forward and kisses the end of my nose.
“Thank you, baby. I feel much better now,” I say, giving her my biggest smile.
“Good.”
“Thank you for being so brave, Lily. Your daddy and I are so proud of you.”
“I tried, Emmy. I was scared, but I didn’t come out for anyone but Daddy.”
“Good girl.” Cupping the back of her head, I lean back as far as I can and hold her to me, breathing in her sweet shampoo, so happy to have her back in my arms.
“Daddy missed you too.”
“I know. I missed him too.”
“I heard him talking to you at night. He cried too. It made me sad. I don’t like Daddy like that. He’s supposed to be silly. Daddy was brave, and I tried to be brave liked him.”
Letting a few tears trickle down my own cheeks, I stroke her hair and pull her even closer to me. My heart aches and it feels like it could break open. Imagining what everyone went through, hearing about my strong man breaking, it kills me. I can’t stand the thought of Levi crying for me, or grieving what he thought was the loss of me.
But then, instead of getting more upset, I get angry. And only one thought comes to mind.
Fuck you, Dana. Rot in hell.
It’s pitch dark. Whipping my head around, I search for anybody, anything. When I finally find a sliver of light, I race toward it, only to come face-to-face with Mark. Sitting in the darkness, he grins, making my stomach churn and my pulse race.
“Be a good girl and come do your job. A whore’s job is to sit on my dick whenever I want. Now get over here.”
“No.”
Wrong answer.
Leaning over the side of his chair, he waves a black gun is in my face, my throat swelling as I stare down the barrel.
“You can either suck my cock or you can suck this. Your choice, princess.”
Frantically, I shake my head, images of everyone I love running through it. I feel so lost and I start crying, refusing to make a decision.
“Have it your way, then.”
My eyes widen as Mark shoves the gun in my mouth, the deafening sound of my life ending echoing around the empty room.
Gasping for breath, I shoot up in bed, a sob tearing from my throat. Struggling to push the blankets away, my arms are grabbed and I scream, trying to get away.
“Emmy, it’s me baby. Em! It’s Levi. Look at me.”
My hand connects with his cheek, the slap loud and shrill, but he doesn’t falter. Levi grabs my face with one hand, the other slapping the wall to hit the light switch, bathing the room in a soft glow. The light forces me to open my eyes and I take in my surroundings.
The bed is disheveled, and Levi is sitting in front of me, wearing his boxer briefs and a gray T-shirt. My heart hurts when I see the bright red mark on his face, and my hands shake.
“Baby,” Levi whispers, patting his lap, inviting me to come to him. But the image just brings back repugnant memories and I race for the bathroom. As my stomach churns and I heave into the commode, Levi pulls my hair back, gently rubbing my back to soothe me.
“Just let me go,” I say, voice so quiet I can barely hear it over the roaring in my ears.
“I can’t,” he tells me, hand moving up and down.
“I should’ve just died. It would be so much easier. I don’t want to hurt anymore, Levi. Take the pain away.”
Wiping my mouth, I turn to him, not caring that I haven’t brushed my teeth and I’m disgusting as I bury my face in his chest, hot cheek against the cool material of his shirt. Levi picks me up to carry me back to bed. Laying me down, he pulls me against him and tugs the blanket over us.
“It wouldn’t have been easier. We’re gonna get through this, baby. I’m not letting you go. I can’t. I love you too much. I’m so grateful you fought and came home to us. I love you, Em. This time we’ll fight together. Take my hand and let me come with you into the dark, and I promise to be your light.”
Crying softly, I rest my head in the crook of his neck while Levi continues whispering to me. Between his sweet words and his soothing hands, I fall back to sleep.
It doesn’t last long before I’m back in the dark.
But this time, Levi is with me, just like he promised.
23
LEVI
One Month Later
I wish I could say that life is back to normal, but it isn’t. Em is struggling, and I’m at a complete loss on how to help her. Nightmares still plague her weekly, and she refuses to talk to anyone. I’ve told her countless times that seeing a therapist doesn’t mean she’s weak, but she won’t hear it. The only time she seems calm is when we’re alone in bed, just lying together and watching a movie. But then we go to sleep and she wakes up, spending the rest of the night awake. She’s exhausted, and it’s starting to take a toll on me.
I was off work for three weeks. I went back last week, and it’s causing problems. Emmy texts me around the clock, and every time the security system alerts her that someone is close by, she hides in the bedroom and calls me to come home and check the house before she comes out. I do it all without hesitation, and I always will. She’s my girl and I love her, but she needs help. She refuses to talk about what happened, and while we know bits and pieces of what went on, until Emmy speaks fully about it we won’t know the details.
I know I’m a selfish bastard for it, but I miss the Emmy I fell in love with. The fearless, brave girl who didn’t let anything hold her back. Em is a shell of who she was, and by not confronting her trauma, she’ll never be her old self. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t get her back from hell only to lose her to herself. I refuse.
Leaning back in my chair, I drop my black-rimmed glasses onto the desk in front of me, scrubbing a hand down my face, only more aware of how badly I need to shave. The sound of footsteps has me turning in my chair, finding Caden and Sydney standing in the doorway. She has coffee and Cade is holding a brown sack filled with food from the café next door.
“We thought you might be hungry,” she says softly, offering me a tall white cup.
“Thank you.” Taking a sip, I let out a loud sigh, offering them each a chair. I had no appointment today, but I came in to schedule a few, wanting the time to think.
“How you holding up, man?” Cade asks, holding out a sandwich to me. Gratefully, I take it and rip it open, stuffing it into my mouth.
“I don’t know,” I grumble, inhaling my food.
“Listen, we were thinking. What if we watched Lily tonight so you and Emmy could have a night alone?”
“Probably not a good idea. She gets up twice a night to check on Lil
y.”
“But it’s worth a try, right?”
“Yeah, maybe. I’ll talk to Em in a little bit and see how she feels.”
“Okay.” Syd and Cade dig into their own food and we’re all silent, the elephant in the room growing by the second.
“Just spit it out you guys,” I say, tossing my garbage into the trash can.
“Say what?” Cade asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Whatever you came for. I know you both want to ask, so here’s the answer. No, Emmy isn’t doing okay. I have no idea what to do and I’m three seconds from snapping. I’m… I’m losing her, you guys.”
“Bro, we didn’t know. We didn’t come here for that, honest. We just thought you could use some company, something to take your mind off everything. Sorry, we really weren’t trying to pry. Do you want us to leave you alone?”
Caden moves, about to get up, but I stop him with a shake of my head.
“Fuck, Cade, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m so grateful for everything you guys and Mom and Dad have done. I’m just frustrated.”
Sydney leans forward and places her hand on my knee, squeezing for a second.
“Levi, if things are that bad, I think you know what you need to do.”
I rest my elbows on my legs and hang my head.
“Levi, she needs help.”
“I know that,” I groan, lacing my fingers behind my head.
“Do you want me to help you find a therapist, one you can take her to tonight? While we watch Lily?” Sydney has her eyes trained on me, waiting for my response.
“I don’t know,” I begin, but the look in her eyes is telling me everything. I need to step in and do something. An intervention of sorts. I’m just scared Emmy will shut down.
“What’s wrong, Levi? Don’t you want Emmy better?”
“Of course I do,” I spit out, anger laced in my words. “I just want to know why I wasn’t enough to help her. Why can’t I do anything for her? Why won’t she let me help her?”
Sydney scoots her chair forward and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me to her in a second, running a hand up and down my back.
“Emmy went through something unimaginable, Levi. She’s scared to tell you things, and she probably feels ashamed, even though she has no reason to. Levi, she was brutalized for three days. She’s traumatized, and she needs to talk. No matter how much you help her, she’s never going to begin to heal until she confronts it.”
Pulling away, she looks at me with determination, and I press a kiss to her forehead.
“How’d you get so smart, Syd? College finally starting to pay off for you?”
She shakes her head. “Nah, I have two big brothers who I’ve been learning from my whole life.”
Cade and I share a smile and then we move on, finding anything to talk about that doesn’t involve what happened. For the first time in weeks, I feel hopeful again.
Hours later, I walk through the front door of our house to the smell of something delicious, my stomach growling loudly. Kicking my boots off, I set the alarm and head to the kitchen. Emmy and Lily are standing at the island, country music playing from the wireless speaker as they sing along, cooking what looks to be a lasagna. My heart is completely full, watching them until they notice me. Emmy waves and Lily blows me a kiss.
Turning the music down, Emmy sways over to me, standing on tiptoes to kiss me.
“I’m so glad you’re home,” she says, squeezing my biceps in her small hands.
“What is all this, baby?” I ask. I keep my voice steady, when really I feel like I’ve walked into an episode of The Twilight Zone.
“I’m making dinner tonight. Is that okay?”
She smiles up at me, hope in her eyes. I haven’t seen her this happy and alive since before that day.
Dropping a kiss to her forehead, I cup her face.
“Of course it’s okay, Em. I’m just surprised is all,” I say.
“Lily, we’ll be right back, okay?”
Lily nods and Em grabs me by the hand, pulling me into the living room. As soon as we’re alone, she reaches up to grab me by the back of the neck, smashing her lips onto mine. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed her, really kissed her, that I can’t help groaning into her mouth, my dick stirring in my pants. But the last thing I want to do is make any physical moves toward her, so I force myself to calm down.
“I did something today, Levi.”
Sitting on the couch, I pat my lap and she comes over, sitting across my leg, arm around my shoulders.
“What’s that, babe?” Looking at her beautiful face, I’m so glad that most of her bruises are gone. Except for one on the side of her face, she’s healing well and I’m thankful.
“I had a Skype call with the resident psychiatrist at work.”
I’m blown away. Holy shit.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I did,” she says, laying her head against my chest.
“How’d it go?” I ask, playing with her hair.
“Really good,” she whispers.
We sit together in the quiet room, and I have no idea what to say. I’m not stupid, I know one call didn’t fix her, but she does seem better and I’ve only been gone six and a half hours today. Placing a hand under her chin, I lift her face so I can look in her eyes.
“Tell me,” I say, resting my forehead against hers.
“Well, I woke up last night, had another nightmare. And you were sound asleep next to me, and I realized that for the first time since I came home, you were getting rest. I know I’ve been running both of us ragged, and I’m tired. I want to feel normal again. I was starting to get some really dark thoughts and I didn’t like that.”
Nodding, I motion for her to continue, just holding her close to me.
“So I called Jean. I’ve worked with her a couple of times, mostly around Ellen, the patient who died four months ago. Anyway, she agreed to a video chat and I don’t know… I just purged everything, Levi. All my fears, everything. We talked for three hours. I had my mom come and hang out with Lily while I did. I hope that’s okay.”
“Of course it is, baby.”
“Well anyway, I told her my biggest issue was that every time I closed my eyes, I was back in that room. No matter what. So she gave me some breathing and mental techniques to help me when I get scared, and it worked, Levi. I almost cried, I was so happy.”
“That’s amazing, Em.”
“Yeah, didn’t you notice? Check your phone. I didn’t text you once today.”
Furrowing my eyebrows, I dig my phone from my pocket and confirm it. I was so lost in my own head today that I didn’t even realize it.
“So, you’re okay now?” I ask, moving her so I can wrap my arms around her waist.
With her hands on my shoulders, she shakes her head and I’m confused.
“Not yet. I’m a work in progress. I will be though. I do have to tell you things eventually, and I worry that it’ll change things between us. But for now I think I’m okay.”
Kissing her, I frame her face with my hands.
“I’m so damn proud of you,” I say, voice thick with emotion. And I am. She faced her fears head on and asked for help.
“Thank you. But I did it for us, for Lily. I miss you so much, Levi.”
“I’m right here, baby. I haven’t gone anywhere, and I never will.”
“I love you, Levi. So much.”
“I love you too, baby. Now, can you finish cooking? I’m starving.”
Em bursts out laughing, the sound loud and filled with happiness.
And it’s the best thing I’ve heard in weeks.
24
EMERSON
Every day that passes, I feel better. Stronger. Physically, my body is almost back to normal. I still have pain in my chest every so often, and there are still a few tender spots, but other than that I’m okay.
I talk to Jean every day, and she’s one of the biggest reasons I’m getting better. I knew eventually I’d
need to get help. I was going on days of no sleep, and now that I’m actually getting a couple hours a night, I feel better.
But the nightmares are still there, and the fear is still present. Today she told me that she wants to try something different, but it’s fucking with my head. She wants Levi to join us for one of the video sessions, and it’s one of my biggest fears. Levi knows so little about what happened to me, only the basics, and I’m not sure I want him to know everything.
Since my first call with Jean two weeks ago, I’ve been doing everything in my power to be intimate with Levi. It’s probably stupid of me, but I need him. From the very beginning, we’ve had an intimacy that went far past the physical act of sex. We were always finding ways to be together, even if it wasn’t going all the way.
I miss him. My body misses him. I initiate it every chance I get, but he pushes me away. The other night, I waited until he fell asleep and then I kept teasing his body, trying to get him in the mood while he was asleep, hoping he’d do what he used to—wake up and fuck me into the following week—but he didn’t. He actually rolled over and went back to sleep.
I left the bed a few minutes later when he started snoring, and I crept into the guest bathroom, taking the hottest shower possible, trying to rid myself of the filth that’s keeping Levi from touching me. I mean, I get it. Why would he want me knowing men tried to use my body for their own needs? But I still need him.
Lily is having a sleepover at Abby and Scott’s tonight and I’m alone downstairs, finishing a load of laundry. When it’s all done, I fold the clothes and leave the basket on the couch. Padding to the front door, I lock the deadbolt and turn the security system on. Looking through the peephole, I find nothing as usual, but I still have to do it. I can’t sleep at night unless I make sure we’re safe.
Strolling through the dark house, I go in search of Levi. It’s so quiet without Lily here, but we need the alone time. It’s been a month and I’m hoping that tonight can be the night. I need to be intimate with him. Need to feel close to him. I miss us.
Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection Page 168