I find Levi in our bedroom, sitting up in bed with his tablet on his lap. He has on the dark-framed glasses I love so much, and he’s in just a pair of gray sweats. He looks up when I enter the room and smiles at me.
“Hey, baby.”
“What are you doing?”
I climb onto the bed, and he puts the tablet to the side so I can settle myself on his lap.
“Checking emails. Nothing too exciting.”
Sliding my arms loosely around his neck, I give him a soft kiss and run my hands through his hair. Levi’s hands gently rest on my waist and I try to deepen the kiss, holding him tighter.
“I love those glasses on you,” I mumble, pulling them from his face.
“Thanks, I think,” he chuckles. But before I can move things further, he kisses me on the nose and slides me off him, picking his tablet back up. Tears burn my eyes and I fight to push them back.
“Sorry, I’m just really tired. I need to finish this and then we can head to bed, okay?”
Nodding, I fold my legs under me and pretend to focus on whatever movie is playing on the television. A few minutes later, he turns the tablet off and gets off the bed. He stops at the dresser and pulls on a T-shirt, then moves to the bathroom. Before he reaches it, I finally have the courage to ask him what I’ve needed to since he first started rejecting me a couple weeks ago.
“Don’t you want me anymore?”
Levi stops dead in his tracks and his body goes rigid. He doesn’t turn to face me, so I continue on, the tears finally falling down my cheeks.
"I knew you'd be repulsed by what they did. I shower twice a day and I'm still nasty—”
“Do not finish that sentence. I swear to Christ, Em. Don’t.” Levi turns around, his features filled with pain.
“I’ve told you I’m fine, Levi. I’m ready to be with you, and you reject me every time.”
“You’re not fine. And you aren’t ready. I’m not rejecting you, Emmy. I’m protecting you.”
“Protecting me? Like you did the last time?” The words fly from my mouth before I can stop them, and I instantly see the effect they have on him. Levi’s expression hardens and I don’t miss the tears that fill his eyes. He nods and turns to leave the room.
“No, Levi, please don’t. I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant.”
“Heard you crystal clear, Emerson.”
Emerson.
He’s almost at the door when I scramble from the bed and run over to him, grabbing his arms. He fights against me, and the sobs break free from my chest.
“Levi, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Please. I love you. Don’t go.”
“Em….”
“Don’t go. Please. Oh my God, Levi, you can’t leave me.”
He stops fighting me and my head drops to his back, and I wrap my arms around his waist from behind. I’m not sure if it’s the idea of him leaving or how much I just hurt him, but I finally let myself grieve for what we’ve gone through. Tears are unashamedly soaking into his shirt, and his rough hands grip mine tightly.
“Levi, please don’t go,” I whisper brokenly into his back. “I swear I didn’t mean what I said. None if this was your fault. I hate myself for hurting you just now, but I want it all to be over. I want to go to bed and not see their faces. I don’t want their hands to be the last that touched me. I want the man I love to want me back. To not wish I wasn’t a filthy reminder of who he used to have. Please.”
Levi is still as stone, and I fear that no number of apologies will fix this. He doesn’t force me away, just holds my hands while I weep into his back.
“I’m sorry,” he rasps. His forehead drops to the wall in front of us, and his back shakes as he cries with me. I squeeze him tighter and he finally turns in my arms. His cheeks are wet with his own emotions, and he looks completely devastated. Bending down, he picks me up and carries me over to the bed. He sits on the edge and maneuvers me onto his lap, my legs wrapping around his waist.
I drop my forehead to his and clasp the sides of his face.
“Why are you sorry?” I whisper.
“I need you to listen to me, okay?” I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. “I watched the security tapes. I saw you take Lily upstairs. I saw you running from those men, and I watched that piece of shit smash your face into a wall. I watched you bleed onto the floor, and I was helpless. He carried you from the house like a rag doll and I couldn’t do anything about it. It replays over and over and over.”
My heart clenches with every word as tears continue to run down his face.
“For three days, I had no idea if you were alive. If I’d get to see your beautiful smile again. If I’d wake up with you in my arms. If we’d get to raise Lily toge—” He breaks off on a sob and I pull him to me, his face buried in my neck.
“Levi.”
“I watched you wander the house like a zombie. I watched your nightmares, and I see the fear that still lingers in your eyes when the doorbell rings. I know you think you’re ready for things, but what if I touch you and it takes you back? I can’t be the reason you have those nightmares. I can’t be the one to hurt you again. I love you so much, baby. I’m so sorry for how I’ve made you feel. I’m such an asshole for that. Fuck, I hate that you feel so dirty. You aren’t anything less than the beautiful, sexy, amazing woman I fell in love with.”
Levi’s words have me crying harder, and he grabs my face to force my gaze to his. His tears haven’t slowed, but despite them, he smiles at me.
“You’re still my Emmy. Are there more scars than when I met you? Sure. But that doesn’t change my feelings for you. I just want you to get better, baby. I know how much this destroyed you, because it hurts me too. Every time you cry out for me in your sleep, it breaks me, knowing I couldn’t save you. That I wasn’t there for you.”
“Levi, stop.”
“Em—” he begins, but I gently place my index finger over his lips.
“Stop. I need to talk now, okay?”
He nods.
Climbing off his lap, I brush the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath, then sit back against the headboard and pull the blankets over my lap. Levi moves to sit in front of me, folding his long legs under him. He reaches out to take one of my hands and nods again, his signal to continue talking.
“I’m sorry you had to see that tape, Levi. I hate that you hurt so bad, not knowing what happened to me. Where I was. But while you were looking for me, I was fighting. Not just for me but for us, for Lily. I wasn’t going to die without a fight. Every time they touched me, or tried to hurt me, I went to this place inside my head where it was just me and you. You were the only thing I could think about. Your touch, your scent, your smile. You are the only reason I survived, Levi.”
Dropping my head into my free hand, I cry loudly for a moment, but Levi doesn’t move. His thumb softly rubs the back of my hand but I don’t look at him, knowing I need to finish. That I need to tell him my fears.
“I know for a fact that if I’d never been found, I would’ve died. But not before they raped me over and over again. Before they’d gotten some sick pleasure from hurting me, torturing me. I didn’t let them take anything from me that I couldn’t get back. It cost me a lot of pain, and I know so many of those wounds and scars are emotional, and it’s gonna take me a lot of time before they even start to heal. But I really am okay, Levi. I’m home safe with you.”
I open my eyes and look at the beautiful yet hurting man in front of me. I reach out to brush the tears off his stubbled cheeks, then lean forward to gently kiss him.
“I love you, Levi. I’m sorry that you think you didn’t help me, but you did. You are the only reason I’m alive. I knew you wouldn’t let me go.”
“I never will, baby. Without you, my heart isn’t whole. I’m not even half the man I know how to be without you. I promise, when we’re both ready to be together in the way you want, we will. But just give it time, Em. My love for you will never lessen. And stop hiding y
our pain and emotions. Fuck, I feel like a douchebag for breaking down again just now. I’m supposed to be strong for you and help you.”
“No. You’re my hero. You really are. You are strong, Levi, but like you just said, hiding your pain, holding it back? It’s only hurting you. If we’re gonna heal and move on, we need to stop pretending and start talking. If that means we close the door and cry, then that’s what we do. If it means watching a movie we’ve seen a hundred times, then we do that. We’re stronger together, Levi. We need each other. I love you, so much more than you know.”
Levi gives me a small smile, and then he pulls the blankets back, crawling into bed next to me. We lie on our sides facing each other, one of his strong arms tight around my back. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead and then closes his eyes.
“I love you, baby. And no more extra showers, okay? That kills me. Just come to me when you feel that way and we’ll find other ways to get you through it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix this. To get you healthy again.”
“I just need you, Levi. We’ll be okay. You promise?”
“I promise, baby. Now close your eyes and sleep. No bad dreams, okay? Just think about this beautiful world we have together. Only sweet dreams.”
“You are my dream, Levi Jackson.”
I feel his smile against my skin, and I follow him into the first peaceful night of sleep I’ve had in a month. No bad dreams, just Levi and me.
25
LEVI
“Daddy, come on! I want to see the stingways!”
We’re back at the aquarium today, just Emmy, Lily, and me. I felt like we needed a day to get out of the house and have some fun again. I wanted to go to the movies, but Lily insisted, so here we are. She’s holding tight to both mine and Em’s hands, giggling and bouncing around. We probably shouldn’t have let her eat ice cream at ten in the morning, but fuck it.
Today is a big day for us.
It’s the first day of the rest of our lives together, forever. Every day Em gets stronger, gets better, and I couldn’t be any prouder of her. I’m in awe of her strength and every time I think she’ll regress, fall back into her fears, she pushes forward, fights them.
Her nightmares are finally starting to go away; she’s only had one in the last couple weeks. She sleeps at night again. Sometimes I hear her get up to check on Lily, but I know that’s something that goes farther than what happened to her. This whole nightmare started with someone trying to take Lily. I still have moments where I catch myself being extra watchful, refusing to take my eyes off her, forcing her to hold my hand even when it’s not necessary.
Lily breaks the connection with us and goes running. I see the fear wash over Emmy, but then she closes her eyes and takes several deep breaths. Squeezing her hand, I watch Lily standing in front of the touch tank, waiting her turn to feel the stingrays in the water. After a moment, Em squeezes back and I know she’s okay.
Stepping forward, we help Lily climb up on the bench, laughing when she touches the stingray and squeals. Emmy holds her phone up and we both smile at her, happiness written all over our faces. When another one goes by, I sink my hand into the water and let it run under my fingers, feeling the almost slimy skin. Shivering, I yank my hand back and laugh when I see the look on both Em’s and Lily’s faces.
“What?” I ask, playing it off like it was nothing.
“Gross, huh?” Emmy laughs, covering her mouth with her hand.
Shaking my head, I stand up and pull Lily into my arms, resting her on my hip.
“How about we go see the sharks, baby?” I ask Lily, who claps in delight.
“Oh yes! Let’s go,” she shouts, pointing in the direction of the exhibit.
Laughing, I carry her and take Emmy’s hand in mine. Together we let ourselves get lost in the wonderful world of the sea, not leaving until it’s closing time and we have no choice.
When we pull into our driveway hours later, Lily is sound asleep in the back seat and Emmy is looking beat next to me. Without waking her, I carry my baby inside and get her into bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin and shutting off the light. Backing out of her room, I step into the hallway to find Emmy waiting for me.
“I know it’s early, but I think I’m gonna turn in. Want to watch a movie together?” she asks softly.
I nod and follow her into our bedroom. Stripping to my boxer briefs, I climb into bed and wait for my girl. Em heads into the bathroom and comes out a minute later in one of my old T-shirts and a pair of sleep shorts, hair pulled up in a ponytail.
“Find anything good?” she asks as she climbs into the bed. Plugging her phone in, she pulls the blankets back and gets comfy next to me, resting her head on my bare chest.
“We can either watch some new Marlon Wayans comedy or we can watch the greatest superhero known to mankind,” I say, clicking through the channels.
“Deadpool?” she asks, and I laugh.
“Yes, ma’am,” I joke, putting the movie on.
“Well, for the record, he’s not the best superhero. He’s just the superhero with the best ass.”
Emmy begins giggling when I toss her back onto the bed, falling down on top of her.
“Care to repeat that, baby?” I growl, placing kisses to her jaw, suppressing the urge to bury myself deep inside her when her body shivers.
“I said Ryan Reynolds has the best ass ever.” She tries to wiggle away from me but I cage her in, taking her lips with mine. In seconds, we’re both panting and worked up. She tears her mouth from mine and I look down at her, taking in her flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes.
“I love you, Mr. Jackson.”
“I love you too, Ms. Reese.”
“Let’s watch the movie, boyfriend with the best ass ever.”
“Now was that so hard to admit?”
Laughing, we get comfortable as the opening credits begin to roll.
It’s late evening, and I toss a few more blankets in the bed of my truck. Emmy is visiting her parents, so I’m gonna have some alone time with Lily, and I have a huge surprise planned for her. The bed is filled with soft pillows and blankets, and I packed a small cooler with a picnic dinner for us. My stomach is a bundle of nerves and I have no clue why. My little girl is my entire world, has been for her entire life.
This is important to me.
Ten minutes later, the truck is ready to go, so I head inside to where she’s playing with her dolls. Looking up at me from the couch, she smiles and I give her my best grin.
“Ready to go, Lily bug?”
“Yes, Daddy. Can I bring my bunny?”
“Absolutely. Go use the potty really quick, okay?”
Nodding, she bounds off the couch and goes racing for the bathroom. Ten minutes later, we’re heading down the road, Lily singing some song she loves from Trolls. Why she loves that movie, I have no idea. Personally, I think they’re creepy as all hell, but I digress. She gets excited when she sees us pull into my parents’ driveway, but I have to calm her down.
“Nana and Papaw aren’t home, baby. We’re driving down into the backyard, okay?”
“Okay,” she chirps, dancing along to the music.
Their backyard is only about an acre, but it’s cleared and level, so it’s perfect for tonight. Driving around the house, I pull down as far as I can go, the sun only just getting ready to set. Parking the truck, I shut off the engine and turn to face Lily.
“Ready, sweetheart?”
“Oh yeah!” she shouts, pumping her little fist.
Laughing, I mimic her and then get out of the truck. Pulling down the tailgate, I go around to get her out and then help her into the bed of my truck.
“What are we doing, Daddy?” she asks, sitting on the piles of blankets.
“Well, little lady, we’re gonna eat some turkey and cheese sandwiches, and then we can split the piece of chocolate cake I got us at the bakery. And then we’re gonna count the stars and talk.”
Lily seems excited with the idea and gives me a
thumbs-up. Climbing up into the truck with her, I sit cross-legged and dig into the cooler, handing her a sandwich I cut into quarters. We eat in comfortable silence, Lily completely enthralled with the sunset.
An hour later, we’re lying on our backs, covered with a soft blanket.
“Now that, Lily, is the Big Dipper, you see?” I ask, pointing up at the sky.
She laughs and holds her own finger up too.
“I see it, Daddy. It’s right thered!”
I show her a few more of the constellations I know and then turn to look at her. In the soft glow of the night sky, my baby looks more beautiful than any little girl could, her wide eyes filled with wonder and excitement.
“Hey, Lily bug?”
“Hey, Daddy.”
“Can I ask you something important?”
Lily turns to look at me, not sitting up from her position.
“Okay.”
“What would you think about Emmy being your mommy?”
Lily beams and her blue eyes sparkle.
“I think that’s the bestest idea ever!” she exclaims, hugging my neck tightly.
I laugh and pull her against me.
“I want to ask Emmy to marry me, but I also want to ask her to be your mommy. What would you think if she adopted you, baby?”
“What’s adopted?”
“It means that your mommy and daddy will be together. You’ll have a mommy for the rest of your life. What do you think?”
Sitting up in the truck, clutching her bunny, Emmy smiles, and then her small face falls as she begins to cry loud, heart-shattering sobs.
Sitting up, I pull her onto my lap and cradle her to me.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart? I thought you wanted a mommy?”
Sniffling, Lily raises her head, hair stuck to her wet cheeks.
“Thank you, Daddy. That’s all I want.”
“I love you, baby. You’re the most important person in my life, and I’m so blessed every day that I get to be your daddy. You know that, Lily bug?”
Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection Page 169