Boy in Luv

by Jay Crownover

  It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what kind of changes and challenges she was talking about when she suddenly flipped the conversation around to focus on me. She set her wine down on the table and leaned closer, eyes intense as she asked, “What about you? Had enough of war and being away from home? Or are you planning on being a career soldier?”

  I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I’m good at what I do. I’ve advanced quickly since joining the army. As of now, I have no plans to leave the military.” I honestly wasn’t sure what else was out there for me. I’d only graduated high school because my abuela threatened to kick me out of the house and cut off all contact with Gael if I didn’t get my shit together. I’d done a lot of odd jobs and manual labor when I needed cash, but the army was where I’d finally figured out my value and the fact that I was a good leader, and had a knack for problem-solving in difficult situations.

  Langley nodded and I watched with hungry eyes as her teeth suddenly dug into her full, lower lip. Her expression was still stoic and not giving much away, but I knew when she chewed on her lip like that, she was trying to hold words back.

  “Isn’t it hard to keep doing something where you never know if you’re going to leave your loved ones behind for good? Doesn’t it hurt every time you lose someone close to you for reasons out of your control? Since the first night we met, you told me everything you do is so your brother can have a better life, but what about you? What’s your better life look like? When do you get a life that doesn’t hurt all the time?”

  I blinked in surprise at the question and leaned back in my chair. The tuxedo-clad waiter silently slipped up to the table and cleared the dessert plates. Langley had barely touched hers, and I could see one of her hands was tucked into a fist so tight her knuckles were turning white.

  “I told you I grew up in a small town on the border in Texas, right?”

  Langley nodded, strands of glimmering blonde hair sliding over her bare shoulders. My fingers itched to reach out and push it back behind her ear, but the girl had been flashing warning lights all night. She was here, but she was no longer mine to do with as I pleased. I couldn’t touch without a clear invite.

  “It wasn’t a good environment, and there weren’t a lot of options unless you wanted to sell drugs, or get your hands dirty. If I’d stayed in Texas, the people around me would still be dying, or they’d end up in jail. Losing a friend to gang violence or because they were tied up in drugs was an everyday occurrence. I probably wouldn’t have had any other choice than to get myself tangled up in some bad stuff. Joining the army was a way out, and it was the only way I could bring in a steady income for my family. Being a soldier isn’t easy—some days it feels like the worst job in the world—but this really is the version of my better life. It’s dangerous, but it’s always interesting, and I know whenever I lose someone I care about, or even someone I don’t know, that they died for a cause that has meaning. They died because they made a choice to sacrifice for the greater good. I take the good with the bad, and I made my peace with my choice to be a soldier a long time ago.”

  “But isn’t it frustrating for you not to know when you’re going to leave next? How can you plan for a future when you have so little say over your own life?” Finally, some genuine emotion slipped through her icy veneer.

  I reached out and put my hand over her clenched fist on the table. “I was focused on my brother’s future, not my own, so it never made a difference. Meeting you changed all of that. I wasn’t prepared to suddenly become a guy who wanted more.” I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand and waited until she looked up to meet my gaze. “You made me want everything, and I didn’t have the first clue how to ask for any of it. So, I left, because that’s what I know how to do. I thought it would be easier on both of us, but I’ve never had anyone to miss before, no one who took up every single thought and feeling. I had no clue how hard it was going to be, or how much it was going to hurt. I hate myself for putting you through that.”

  She tugged her hand free and lowered it so that it disappeared beneath the table. The server, who really was dressed better than I was, dropped the bill. I saw Langley look at it and could practically feel her formulating an argument to hand it over. I slapped my credit card down before she could say anything, and frowned at her.

  “You hated every single minute of this date, didn’t you?” I wanted it to be special; instead, it was something she seemed to suffer through.

  Langley shrugged and tilted her head to the side. “I don’t hate it. It’s just…not what I was expecting.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  She sighed and lifted a hand to push her hair back behind her ear. “Last time you took me on a date, we played laser tag. It was fun. No one had ever taken me to do something like that before. This…” She waved a hand around the swanky restaurant. “I’ve been on twenty dates just like this one. The only thing special and unique about it is you.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath and fought the urge to slam my forehead down on the table. I wanted something memorable, and completely disregarded the fact that expensive and opulent were commonplace for her.

  A tiny scowl pulled at her elegantly arched eyebrows. “Plus, I told you to stop spending money on me. I meant it.”

  This was the opposite of what I intended for the evening. I was trying to show her I could keep up with her lifestyle, but in doing so, I ran right over everything I already knew about her. She didn’t need flashy and over the top. She needed something real, and tangible. Something solid.

  Shaking my head at my own foolishness, I pocketed my credit card and climbed to my feet so I could pull her chair back and help her out of her seat. It was a quiet walk to my truck, each of us lost in thought. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Langley shiver. It wasn’t exactly balmy in Colorado in May, and it rained earlier that day, so there was a bite in the air. Without a word, I slipped off my blazer—one she’d bought for me—and placed it over her shoulders. Her lacy top and flowy skirt didn’t look like they would offer very much protection against the night chill.

  Once we were in the truck, Langley did her best to smooth things over. She was always going to be a peacekeeper. The role was embedded in her DNA.

  “Do you have any idea when you might have to deploy again? Do you even get the choice to stay in Colorado now that you’re back?”

  “I should be home for a while, and no, I don’t know how long I may or may not be stationed here.” There were always huge, looming uncertainties in my life. I didn’t want her caught up in the cycle of wondering and worrying about whatever was next that I constantly lived in. “I’ve learned to be very adaptable over all these years of service.”

  “Going someplace new, learning a new job, meeting new people… it’s exciting and scary at the same time, isn’t it?” There was a note in her voice I couldn’t place. I felt like she was saying more than her words indicated, but not for the first time tonight. I couldn’t read her clearly.

  “It is exciting and scary. I go into every transfer with the plan to make the most of it, to get the best experience I can from each new location. Wherever it is I’m going doesn’t matter, what I do while I’m there does.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as she reached up to tug on her lower lip. The poor thing was getting abused tonight and all I wanted to do was kiss it and make it better.

  “That’s such a good way to look at things. I always found your perspective fascinating.”

  And I always found hers enlightening and enriching. We never failed to learn something from one another.

  The drive to her apartment was short, and I could feel the tension between the two of us ratcheting up every minute that passed. She probably figured I was going to ask to come up to her place so we could pick up where we left off. I would bet good money she was trying to formulate a polite way to turn me down. Sure, if the date had gone better, I would be doing my best to end the night with her naked and underneath me
in her bed. Considering how far off base I’d been, I knew she was nowhere near ready to let me back into her bed or her heart. There was still more work to do to prove I could do this, could be the kind of guy she wanted to keep around long-term. I wanted to be the guy worth waiting for.

  When I pulled into a parking spot in front of her building, I felt, rather than saw, the way Langley tensed up. Letting out a bitter laugh, I dragged my hands down my face and muttered, “I don’t suppose you’d give me a do-over. I know I said one date would be enough, but I feel like I really screwed this one up. I seem to do that a lot when it comes to you.”

  Langley sighed heavily and caused me to jolt when her very soft hand suddenly landed on my cheek. She used gentle pressure to turn my head in her direction and finally…finally…I could see everything she was feeling in those ocean-colored eyes.

  Fear.

  Pain.

  Regret.

  Joy.

  Excitement.

  Passion.

  There were so many emotions, it was no wonder it’d been hard to pick one out from the rest.

  “I like spending time with you, Iker. It doesn’t matter what we do together, I always have a good time. I’m sorry if it didn’t seem that way tonight, I was just processing some things. I have a lot on my mind lately, and everything is kind of jumbled up inside my head.” She gave me a lopsided grin. “If I say yes to another date, you have to agree to let me plan it.”

  “Langley, if you agree to another date, I’ll do anything you want me to.”

  I finally got a real smile from her, bright and almost blinding. She used her fingers to pinch my cheek, drawing a playful growl from my chest. “Walk me to my door and give me a goodnight kiss. That was my favorite part of our last date. But it ends with a kiss, though.” She tapped her temple. “Anything more will make everything going on up here even more confusing. I still need some time to figure out how I really feel about you suddenly coming back into my life.”

  Stopping at a kiss might be one of the hardest things I’d ever been challenged with, but I could do it.

  I hopped out of the truck and walked around the front so I could open the door for Langley. I offered her an arm to help her down, and was secretly pleased she left her fingers curled in the crook of my elbow as we walked to her door.

  Once we reached it, Langley turned to look at me, and I leaned toward her, backing her against the door the same way I had the night I was drunk. Only, tonight she watched me lean closer with anticipation instead of fear. Her fingers trembled as she reached up and caught the knot of my tie. In a few quick moves, she had the expensive material hanging loose around my neck as her palms slid across my chest.

  “I like you better without it.” Her eyebrows winged up as she popped a couple of buttons open on my shirt. “I like it when it looks like you just rolled out of bed and threw whatever was closest on, because you still look better than most men wearing a thousand-dollar suit, and you look comfortable.”

  I brushed my knuckles across her cheekbone and lowered my head until our foreheads touched. She exhaled, and I swore I could taste the wine she had with dinner and her own, sweet flavor I could still clearly recall from the last time I kissed her.

  “I like you in anything…anytime…anywhere.” It was true. She was always the prettiest girl in the room to me, regardless of how she was dressed. My eyes followed her helplessly, and so did my heart.

  I put my mouth on hers before she changed her mind.

  Before she decided it was a bad idea.

  Before she could remember how badly I’d hurt her the last time she let me get this close.

  Her lips were warm and responsive under mine. She gave a breathy little sigh and allowed my searching tongue entrance into the damp, silky recesses of her mouth. Her tongue was quick and eager as it flicked against mine. Her hands were hot where they curled into the material of my shirt, pulling me closer as one of my hands tunneled into the long strands of hair at the back of her head, while the other rested at the base of her spine.

  She made a soft, whimpering sound when my teeth nipped at the curve of her lower lip, and her hips pressed into mine as she lifted on the toes of her heels so she could get even closer. The kiss went from something sweet and seductive, to something explosive and sexy in the span of seconds. It didn’t take long for all the kisses we’d missed, all the touches that had passed us by, all the time we’d lost to catch up to both of us.

  Between one breath and the next, we went from saying goodbye to trying to devour one another.

  One of Langley’s hands latched onto my jaw, fingers digging in as she held me in place so her lips could voraciously move over mine. Her knee slid between my legs, and a moment later, I forgot my own name and where we were when I felt the press of her thigh against the raging hard-on trapped behind the zipper of my slacks. Her tongue swirled around mine, and it was my turn to make a noise when I felt the bite of her teeth against my lips.

  I tilted my head to get a better angle and tugged her even closer. We were pressed chest to chest, hip to hip, and I could feel all of her most sensitive and malleable parts pressed against everything about me that was rigid and unyielding. My dick was ready to burst free of its confines, and I was having a hard time reminding it that this kiss was as far as things were going tonight. Why did I agree to that? Was I really going to be able to stop with just a kiss?

  I had to. I was rebuilding her trust, and I wasn’t going to fail the first test.

  I felt Langley’s thumb trace the flexing line of my jaw and bit back a moan when the tip of her tongue flicked across mine. The hand she had resting on my chest moved until her fingertips were touching the bare skin she’d exposed when she unbuttoned the front. The contented sigh she released feathered across my lips and made my cock throb hard enough it was almost painful.

  She traced the pattern of one of the tattoos I had inked on my collarbone and slowly tilted her head back so she could look me in the eye.

  “I missed this… Touching you…kissing you.” She gave a delicate little snort. “I just missed you, Iker.”

  “I missed you, too, Langley.” I shifted so I could kiss the top of her head and pulled her in tight for a hug that was more about comfort than sex. “So much.”

  Her hand rested over the spot on my chest where my heart was pounding, and I immediately fell backward when she applied a little pressure.

  “I really want to invite you in, but I’m not going to.” Her voice was so quiet I almost missed what she was saying.

  “I get it. Last time we were together, it was a race. We have time, there’s no need to rush things. Let’s be careful and move slowly so we can get it right.” I smoothed a hand over her silky hair and gave her a quick kiss before putting some breathing room between the two of us.

  Langley shifted on her spiked heels and I narrowed my eyes as she audibly gulped. “Yeah. All the time in the world.” She looked pale as she slipped my jacket off her shoulders and turned to shove the key in her door. “Thank you for tonight. Next date is my treat. I’ll call you when I have something figured out.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but she already slipped inside her apartment and I could hear the locks clicking shut.

  Part of me was ecstatic she was committing to another date. A bigger, louder, scarier part of me was obsessing over why Langley looked like she was going to cry when I mentioned we could take things slow this time around.

  I had a sinking feeling there was something she wasn’t telling me and in a startling moment of clarity realized exactly how shitty it felt to be on the other side of caring for someone when they had a secret they weren’t willing to share.

  Karma was indeed a bitch, and it sucked that I deserved every bit of her current wrath.

  Langley

  “Hey,” I said to Sam as I peeked my head into his office.

  He leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Hey, yourself.”

  “Thanks for letting me drop by.” This was going
to be awkward enough without me being a bitch over text message.

  “No problem. The other guys are out and I have”—he glanced at the clock—“about half an hour before I have to head over to my next job. Come on in.” He motioned to the armchair that flanked his desk, and I skirted around the other three desks in the room before taking the seat.

  It wasn’t fair to keep him on the hook. I knew I’d never put out a signal that said we’d get hot and heavy and exclusive, but there had been enough hope in his eyes that I had to be honest with him—with myself.

  “I’m sorry for not calling.” I nervously tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “I’d rather see you anyway. What’s going on?” He turned his chair to face me, and I almost lost my nerve.

  Sam really was a great guy. Gorgeous, fit, kind, smart, and hard-working. He just wasn’t my great guy. Even if I was staying in Colorado—which I wasn’t—this would have ended eventually. Kissing Iker last night showed me I’d never be satisfied without that intense level of hunger and need for my partner.

  “So, I need to talk to you.” I shifted my hands on my purse and pulled it into my lap, full of nervous energy. “And I don’t think you’re going to be happy with what I have to say.”

  His eyes lost that sparkle that had drawn me to him in the first place. “You’re going back to him, aren’t you? The guy from graduation?”

  My eyes widened. “How did you know that was him?”

  “Because I listen when you talk. I put two and two together that he was the guy who’d walked out on you after your sister’s wedding.” He looked up at the ceiling, obviously working his way through some intense feelings.

  “I’m not really sure what’s going on with me and Iker,” I answered honestly. “It’s not like we’re back together, but I did go out with him last night.” Honesty had been my policy with Sam since day one. I simply didn’t have the energy or the need to play games. And, he was too nice of a guy for me to string along.