Finding Joy

by Adriana Herrera

  He dipped his head before he spoke. “Thank you. I felt so silly afterwards, like I should’ve known better. But I just wanted so much to have found someone that could see me.”

  I let out a long exhale, feeling his words in my bones. “I can relate to that on so many levels.”

  He raised his eyebrow at that and pushed his foot under the table so the tips of our shoes were pressed together. It was ridiculous and adorable how many ways he found to be close without really touching.

  I felt like I had to share something with him too. I wanted him to know how much I valued his honesty. This night and the things we were saying to each other felt important, and I wanted to be as open with him as he’d been with me. “My ex broke up with me by letting me know he was going home to marry the girlfriend he’d been with the whole time we were together. I guess we both fell for people that didn’t deserve us.”

  He seemed horrified on my behalf and tried to speak a couple of times, but in the end he just lifted his glass to clink it to my beer bottle. “To our battered hearts.”

  “To our stronger and wiser hearts,” I replied.

  As we smiled at each other, we heard the band getting ready to start playing. There was a DJ on stage mixing some music to get the crowd warmed up, and some of the musicians were fiddling with their instruments. After a moment, a second woman climbed on stage, and I decided she had to be the lead singer. She was wearing a bona fide rock star outfit, complete with brown leather pants, and with her makeup and hair, she could have stepped off the cover of Rolling Stone. When she grabbed the microphone, everyone in the room cheered.

  I looked at Elias, impressed. “Wow, she’s popular.”

  He shook his head in amusement. “You don’t recognize her?”

  I took a closer look as she scanned the crowd and waved back at some of the people in the audience. She spotted Elias and gave him a wink and smile. Then it finally dawned on me.

  “Tsehay!”

  She winked at me too, and I waved frantically as Elias blew her a kiss, which basically had me swooning.

  I was so gone for him. It seemed that my stupid heart had learned nothing after Miguel, and decided it was a great idea to throw myself on the potential emotional landmine that was Elias. A man who was not only in the midst of making some major life decisions, but was also in the closet and on the rebound. And had been burned by a dude with a profile similar to mine.

  Did any of this deter my thirst for him? Not even a little a bit.

  Self-sabotage, thy name is Desta Joy.

  I turned my attention to the band as the first notes of “Love Galore” by SZA sounded out through the space. I immediately stood up and pointed a finger at the stage while grinning at Elias, who had a matching expression on his face. “I have to be standing for this song. God, I love SZA.”

  He smiled and stood up too. Tsehay’s voice was sultry and did the song justice. I looked around and noticed most of the people had started gathering around the stage, swaying to the music. Within a few seconds the entire place was singing along and belting out the chorus. It was one of those moments that can only happen when you are at a great gig, with everyone in tune to the music.

  After SZA, they did a couple of Bob Marley and Amy Winehouse songs, and some Ethiopian pop music too. By the time the first set was done, I was only feet away from the stage, in a knot of people cheering and singing along with Tsehay and her band. Elias was standing right behind me, and it was the first time I truly noticed his height. He was taller than me, so the top of my head was right under his chin. I was consumed with the thought of how it would feel to lean into him. To feel the heat of this body against my back.

  I wanted to touch him so badly that I kept coming up with excuses to rub up against him.

  By the time the second set started, the place was packed, and pretty soon I did feel Elias’s front pressed to my back. I looked up at him and he gave me a small smile as he ran a finger across my hip. Such a light touch, it could have been accidental. We were packed so close together. But with Elias against my back, a shiver ran down my spine at the contact. The impulse to turn around and push myself against him was so strong, I trembled.

  When I looked up at his face, I could see my desire reflected there. As the band played and we moved to the music, we kept finding little ways to touch or brush against each other. Even a simple graze of his hand to my side felt erotic, and I was dizzy with wanting him.

  After an hour of solid playing, the band was finally winding down and announced this would be their last song of the night. Elias bent down so he could whisper into my ear. “She always ends with the same song. That old Fugees cover of ‘Killing Me Softly.’”

  I grinned up at him as I heard the first notes. “I love that song.”

  As Tsehay sang the first verse, the entire place lost it. This song was an old favorite and so damn sexy, I almost turned around and wrapped my arms around Elias’s neck. I was feeling him, this place, this music, this night with an intensity that had me on the verge of recklessness. Somewhere in the middle of the song we both turned to look at each other at the same time, and it was pretty obvious we had to get out of there, or commit a dangerous indiscretion. As the final notes of the song died out, Elias and I turned around in unison and headed for the entrance.

  The ride in the elevator was pure torture.

  We stood on opposite sides and stared intensely at the numbers indicating which floor we were on. I felt like my body was on fire for him. Elias didn’t look like he was dealing any better; he kept pushing his fisted hands in his jacket, as if trying to keep himself from grabbing me.

  Once outside, we power walked back to the car in silence. When we were finally inside, I turned to him and said in a breathless voice I barely recognized, “Would you come up to my place for a drink, or do you have to head home?”

  He smiled at me and quickly ran his finger the side of my face. “Eshi, konjo, a drink sounds nice.”

  Never mind I had literally no liquids in my room other than water bottles, shampoo, and lube, but I nodded and pressed my face against the cool glass of the window as he pulled out on to the road. It was almost eleven and the streets were mostly empty except for the occasional person on the sidewalks, or a slumped figure wrapped in long white fabric, trying to keep warm.

  Elias parked his car right outside the gate of the guesthouse. I used my keys to get us inside the compound, and soon we were climbing the stairs to my room. When I went to open the door, my hands were shaking. We’d both been quiet on the way over here, and now were about to do something that would change everything between us. I should’ve probably given that more thought.

  I should’ve paused to consider my choices.

  But as my trembling hands pushed open the door to my room, all I could think about was locking the door behind us so I could finally feel what I’d been dreaming about for weeks.

  Chapter 11

  As soon as we walked in, Elias turned to lock the door. We stood there for a few seconds, just looking at each other. It was like we were both trying to decide just how bad an idea this could potentially be.

  In the end, I was the one who caved.

  My heart was beating so fast, and I was scared, but not so scared to not get closer. I walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I felt the electricity of that kiss all the way to the tips of my toes. I sighed into his mouth while he grabbed my hips, crushing me against him. Not much had made sense in my life for so long, but this kiss, this man, I was certain of.

  After a few short and fevered kisses, he lifted his hands, placing them on both sides of my face as he pried my lips open with his tongue. He licked in slowly, like he wanted to know me from the inside. I moaned and leaned in closer, bit his lip playfully, and got a surprised groan for my efforts. I felt the thrill of his tongue tangling with mine, our breaths mingling. Hot and hungry, and the sensation moved through me like wildfire.

  He felt so good.

  I couldn
’t get close enough, touch enough. Soon I had my hands down by his ass, squeezing hard, which got me a nip on the lip.

  “You like that, konjo?” he breathed out, voice tight from lust.

  I groaned as I tried to get closer. “I can’t stop touching, and you smell so good. What is that?”

  He made a husky sound, a mix between a laugh and a groan, and ran his lips down my neck while his hands wrecked my hair. I was so hard already, and when I grabbed his dick over his jeans, I felt it pulse in my hand.

  “What did you say?” he asked between sucking on my Adam’s apple and pinching my nipple through my shirt.

  I moaned from the pulse of pleasure from his touch and struggled to recall what he was asking me about. “What? Uh, oh? Perfume.” I sniffed him again and he laughed.

  “Oh, it’s Pasha—my sister got it for me. You like it?”

  “Yes, and it was already impossible for me to focus whenever you were around, all hot and smelling good. Now that I know your kisses are fire and your tongue is fucking magic, I’m really concerned about my productivity.”

  He chuckled and made a grab for my cock, which was rock hard. “But I haven’t shown you even a fraction of the things I can do with my mouth.” He turned his head then and ran his tongue down the side of my neck, and I swear I blacked out for a second. “Or with my tongue.”

  “Oh god. You’re going to kill me.”

  Another husky chuckle, and then his strong arms tightened around me. His eyes were like embers on my skin as he pressed a hand to the bulge in my jeans. “I want to taste you, Desta. I want to lick and suck you until you come in my mouth.”

  Holy shit.

  I gurgled some kind of affirmative response as Elias took off his jacket before going down to his knees in front of me. In this light, his skin glowed. Bronzed with a bit of red on his cheeks from arousal, his lips bruised from my kisses. I wanted to eat him. I wanted to be the one on my knees for him.

  I ran a finger over his eyebrows, which I still found distractingly perfect. “I could come from just looking at you like that.”

  “I promise this will be better.” He grinned as he started undoing my fly. Once he had it open, he pulled the edge of my briefs aside so he could lick my balls, teasing me, flicking his tongue on the damp cotton covering my cock, but not taking it out yet.

  “Baby,” I whined. “Please. Take it out and suck me.”

  He made soothing sounds as he stroked my thighs, still not putting his mouth on me, and I was ready to beg. “Patience, konjo. Let me take my time. I’ve been dreaming about having you like this for weeks.” He was breathless too, and that only made my own need that much stronger.

  “You’re not alone in that.” I huffed as he pressed a thumb to my perineum. “I’m going to come,” I said, feeling truly desperate.

  He laughed, his eyes twinkling at how crazy he was making me, and slowly pulled my cock out. I was leaking and had made a huge wet spot on my underwear. He sucked on the head for a second, then pushed my briefs and pants down. He helped me out of my shoes next, and pretty soon I was half naked with my dick trying its best to get into Elias’s mouth.

  “You’re so beautiful, Desta. I’ve imagined what you looked like. If your cock was going to be the same pretty pink as your lips. How it would feel to take you deep.”

  “Elias.” I was begging and wasn’t even sure for what.

  He took me in hand and started flicking his tongue on the slit—light, fluttery touches that made every muscle in my body contract. It felt so good, and the way he kept squeezing my ass so his fingers brushed my hole was slowly driving me crazy. I wanted to just melt into the ground and plead for him to finish me off.

  Then in one thrust he sucked me to the back of his throat. All I could do was pant and call his name while he teased my ass and swallowed around my dick. “I’m so close, you feel too fucking good.”

  He groaned and pulled off so he could lick my slit again, all while taking turns between teasing my hole and my balls. It was a full-on assault of my senses, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back very long.

  I let out a long moan and grabbed his hair in warning. “I’m coming.”

  Instead of releasing me, he doubled down on my dick, and I felt his throat tighten on the head again as his finger pressed gently against my entrance. My whole body shook as an orgasm crashed over me. My breaths came out in pants as my groin and guts turned to liquid. “Baby, that feels so good. So good.”

  After a few seconds, I opened my eyes to see him staring up at me with a smug smile tugging at his lips. “I’ve been wanting to do that since we were on the road to Awassa. I had to stop myself from staring at your backside every time you jumped off the truck.” He dabbed just a little bit of something from his lips and then popped the finger in his mouth, and my dick made a valiant attempt at reacting to the sight. “I knew you’d be delicious.”

  Fuck. He really was trying to kill me.

  I touched his face and ran my thumb over his upper lip. “You have no idea how infatuated I’ve been since the moment I saw you.”

  He gave me that amused look I’d seen a few times whenever I paid him compliments. I tugged on his shoulder and he stood up. We were so close that I had to bend my head at an angle to look at him.

  “I like your mouth,” I said as I touched it. It was perfectly shaped, the skin just a bit darker than the rest of him. I parted his lips with my finger, and he bit me.

  “Hey,” I protested, using my other hand to tug on his thick curls. I could hold a fistful and not even get half of it. Everything about him was like that to me. Like there was so much of him I wanted to touch, to smell, and I’d never get to all of it. I felt greedy with Elias, wanted more of his time, more of his body. It was going to be a problem because I knew this couldn’t last.

  But I could compartmentalize like a champ. So I put all that drama aside and went down on my knees without a word. I found his eyes with mine, holding them as I moved down his body. Undid his jeans and nuzzled his cock through his boxers.

  I licked him through his shorts and he hissed, a shiver coursing through him. I looked up and smiled. “What’s that? Am I too much for you?”

  He shook his head and grabbed my hair with one hand, his cock with the other. “I thought you wanted this,” he said as he rubbed the tip of it against my lips. There was a bead of pre-come on it, and I stuck out my tongue again to lap it up.

  He sucked his teeth as I went deeper. I loved how much he reacted to my touch; I wanted to make him crazy. Touch him until he lost control.

  His shoes and jeans were off within seconds, and finally I had him naked, if only from the waist down. His cock was gorgeous. Uncut with a ruddy tip that was practically begging for my mouth. I ran my tongue from slit to base while Elias whispered encouragements. In one movement I took him as far down as I could. He made a choking sound and clenched his ass hard enough I could feel the muscles flexing where I was holding him.

  “Oh, that’s nice.” He moaned as I did my best to take him all the way down to my throat. I looked up as I drew almost all the way out, leaving just the tip in my mouth.

  In a breathless voice he said, “I’m not going to last. You’re so good. Can you take me again? I want to see those red lips stretched as I fuck your mouth.”

  I gave a slight nod, took him all the way in, and hummed as I started sucking and jacking him in earnest. His thighs started to shake a bit, and soon his breath was coming fast. “I’m right there, konjo.” Within seconds he was spilling down my throat as he panted my name. I swallowed everything he had and then brushed my lips against his thighs, resting my head against him. We stayed like that for a minute. Me kissing his stomach and thighs, him running his hands through my hair.

  I stood and helped him out of his shirt without saying a word. He slipped mine over my head as I pulled him to my bed. I didn’t ask him to stay the night, because I knew he couldn’t. But I wanted to pretend, if only for a little while, that Elias and I could do t
his. That we could make love, then go to bed together. That he didn’t have to go home and lie to his family about who he’d just been with.

  I felt so far away from my life here. I could pretend.

  In the place where I was supposed to be finding myself, I would lose myself in him.

  The sheets were cold when we got in the bed, and Elias pulled me against him so my back was flush with his chest. His skin was smooth and hot against mine, and his kisses on my shoulders made me shiver.

  “I like how soft this is,” he said running his hands through my chest hair. I didn’t have a lot, but what I did have was mostly on my pecs. I had a stocky build, but Elias was still wider than me, and sitting like we were now, I felt enveloped by him. “I wondered how you would feel. You feel better than I imagined, and I had created very lofty expectations in my head.”

  I smiled, turning around so I could kiss him again. “I can’t say this is unexpected on my part. I wanted to jump you from the moment I saw you.”

  He laughed and grazed his lips on the palm of my hand, which was such a ridiculously romantic thing to do. I would be hopelessly lost to this man in no time at all. “I was wondering if those looks you gave me in Awassa every time you had a couple of beers were just a coincidence. You would go like this.” He did this squinty-eyed thing and said, “I was going to suggest you go to the eye doctor.”

  I balked and tugged on one of his curls. “Hey, watch it. That’s my smolder.”

  He legit guffawed at that, “Like in the Disney movie?”

  “Yes!” I wailed, which only sent him into another fit of laughter.

  After he finally calmed down, he shook his head and looked at me like I was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. Then he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me until I was squirming against him. He pulled back, smiling. “You crazy farenji.”