He asked me for the month. I’m giving it to him. Hot sex. That’s all this is. No love. No commitment. No regrets.
A wail from the living room interrupts the moment we’re having. I’m glad. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I just wish his words would match his actions, as I’m as confused as hell.
We go into the living room and Jamie stands with his hands on his hips looking over the trio of babies lined up on the folded quilt in the floor. “That’s a lot of bairns.”
“Just like triplets. You sound a little worried.”
“I’ve never been around bairns.”
How’s that possible? “You have younger sisters.”
“I was six when Westlyn was born and eight when Evanna arrived. My father had already taken me from my mother at that point. I was being raised to lead The Fellowship. An alternate in the event Sin or Mitch died. Not encouraged to play with my baby sisters and help change their nappies.”
Jamie visits Sin here at the house on a regular basis so it seems odd he’s looking at the babies like they’re unfamiliar territory. “Do you not play with them while you’re here?”
Jamie shakes his head. “I’ve never even held one of them.”
“Jamie. They’re your best friend’s children. Your cousins. Your family. You should be bonding with them.” I squat and pluck Liam from the floor since he’s typically the happiest of the bunch. “We’re going to remedy that right now. Here. Hold him.”
Jamie smiles and reaches out to take Liam without complaint as though he’s excited to get his hands on him. I expected some kind of excuse as to why he couldn’t or shouldn’t hold him. I got that one wrong.
Jamie sits on the couch and places the baby on his lap, studying everything about him. “Which one is this?”
“Liam.”
“He looks like Sin. Well, I guess I should say they look like Sin since they’re identical.”
“Those two are definitely Sin’s children.” My sister’s sons look like they were dug out of their father’s ass. There was definitely no mix up at the fertility clinic.
I lower myself to the quilt on the floor and lie on my stomach between Harrison and Lourdes. “I know Lourdes isn’t blood relation but I think she looks like Bleu.”
“I’m not sure how it happens but adopted children sometimes look similar to their adopted family.”
I play with the top of Harrison’s hair spiking it upward. “I’m giving the boys faux hawks after their baths tonight.”
I tickle Harry’s little fat neck. “You want Auntie Elli to make you look cool, don’t you, little dude?”
Jamie chuckles as he watches me. “What is it?”
“You’re really good with them.”
This time I tickle Lourdes, making her laugh aloud. “Because I’m the cool aunt. Isn’t that right, little princess?”
“I delivered a baby today.”
“Oh, Jamie. That’s amazing.” I crawl from the pallet to sit Indian style at his feet. “Tell me everything beginning to end.”
“I went in thinking I’d observe since that’s what always happens the first day of rotation. I was the only one sent to labor and delivery. The other doctors in my group were split between gynecology and surgery.”
I make my gag face. “Surgery might not be so bad but gynecology? Ugh! I would rather have toothpicks shoved in my eyeballs than work that floor.”
“I’ve decided you’re a medical adrenalin junky.”
Fair assessment. “Can’t argue with that. I do love me some gore and action.”
“Make that the princess who loves gore, action, cosmetics, and hair products.”
“Well, I need to look good while I’m helping the doctor stitch a knife wound.”
“I’ve seen your natural face. You look beautiful without all that stuff, baby.”
“Yeah,… yeah… whatever. I want to hear about you delivering this baby, Dr. B.”
“I sat down on a stool between her legs and she screamed that she had pressure and was going to push.” Jamie cups his palm over Liam’s crown. “I put my hand over the top of the baby’s head like this and guided it out slowly so the mum didn’t tear. Next, I suctioned the nose and mouth after the head was out. The obstetrician showed me how to turn the baby and pull down on the shoulder so it would ease out slowly. Then the other one came. And bam. The rest of the baby fell out and he started crying.”
“You delivered a healthy baby boy. Aw.”
“I was so scared, Mac. My hands were shaking like crazy. It was terrifying and amazing at the same time.”
Bringing life into the world has to be more satisfying than stitching lacerations and treating gunshot wounds. “I’m sure you did a fantastic job.”
Jamie is looking at me—saying nothing—while wearing an expression I can’t pinpoint. “What is it?”
“I thought about you afterwards when I was alone.”
“Me?”
“Aye. I thought about what it would be like if you were my wife and I was by your side while you were giving birth to our child.”
“And what did you decide?”
“That I would like that very much.”
Hearing Jamie say that steals my breath away. But I’m done getting lost in pretty words when there’s no substance behind them. Not again. Not after this morning. The wound is too fresh.
I’m not feeding into this again.
“These kiddos don’t love bottles. They’re going to be upset at bedtime when Bleu isn’t here. I think I should get the tub ready for a warm bath so they’ll be relaxed when I try to pass off a bottle in place of their usual boob.”
Jamie’s jaw is set, his brow wrinkled. I think I’ve knocked him for a loop by not falling all over his confession.
“What can I do to help you?”
I’m pretty sure Jamie won’t be any help with bathing them. “Probably best if you keep two entertained while I bathe the other one.”
“I get two while you get one? That doesn’t sound fair.”
“Would you prefer to undress, bathe, dry, re-diaper, and redress them?”
“Fuck, no. I’ll happily be the circus monkey who provides the entertaining.”
That’s what I thought.
Bath time works like an assembly line. I start with Harrison since he always goes to sleep first. When I finish, I pass him off to Jamie and take Liam next. Big sister Lourdes is last since she’s the night owl.
I’m finishing up with Lourdes’s bath when Sin calls. “Jamie. Sin’s calling. I need you to come watch Lourdes in the bath.”
Jamie comes in and looks at Lourdes lying on the net-covered incline in the tub. “What do I do with her?”
“Whatever keeps her happy as long her mouth and nose are above water.”
I go into the living room so I can keep an eye on the boys while I take Sin’s call. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“Jamie was right. It’s an appendicitis. Bad enough they don’t want to wait until the morning so they’re taking it out tonight. They’re prepping her for surgery now.”
“Doing it laparoscopically?”
“Aye.”
“Good. She’ll heal faster and can come home sooner.” I know my sister doesn’t want to be away from the babies a minute longer than necessary.
“Bairns okay?”
“We’re finishing up bath time and gonna try bedtime feedings next.”
“Good luck with that. They love their mummy’s boobs.”
I sort of dread it. I’m really glad I have Jamie here to help. “I don’t expect it to go over well. I thought extra bath time with lavender might relax them a bit more. Maybe help them be more inclined to take a bottle.”
“Thank you, Ellison. You don’t know how helpful it is having you around. Especially with Mum being away seeing to her sick sister.”
“I could never leave Bleu and my babies.” They’re the reason I’m joining The Fellowship.
“You’re sacrificing your entire life to stay with u
s.”
Liam wails so I pick up one of their rattling toys and shake it above him. “It wouldn’t feel like a sacrifice at all if the bastard I love would stop being a hard-ass and claim me.”
“You and Jamie belong together. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen.”
“I appreciate that, Sin, but I really want Jamie to come around because it’s his decision.”
“I understand.”
“Tell Bleu I love her and to not worry about the babies. They’re fine.”
“I will. I probably won’t call back tonight. Trust me. If you’re lucky enough to get all of them down at the same time the last thing you want is for me to call and wake you up.”
“Got it. No news is good news. But call with an update in the morning so I don’t worry.”
“Will do.”
* * *
Jamie and I kept the babies both nights Sin and Bleu were at the hospital. Lourdes wasn’t a problem but I can’t say it was a walk in the park with Harrison and Liam. They didn’t make it easy on us. Those boys weren’t happy about giving up their mom’s boobs.
And Jamie wasn’t very happy about giving up mine.
Those munchkins whipped our asses. Neither of us mentioned a word about having sex when we finally got into bed. I’m pretty sure we were both asleep before our heads hit the pillows.
Bleu’s been warning me about the ups and downs of parenthood but Auntie Elli got a nice little taste of it the last two nights. It’s rough.
I wonder how that vision of me giving birth to our child looks to Jamie now. I’d bet it’s a bit different after two nights with only a few hours of sleep.
When Westlyn and Lorna come over to visit Bleu, despite feeling much better, her energy still hasn’t returned so she’s knocked out cold on the sofa only thirty minutes into their visit. “Let’s move this to the patio so we don’t wake her.”
I stop in the kitchen and grab a bottle of wine and three glasses before slipping out the backdoor.
“Where’s Sin?”
“He and Jamie went to Duncan’s for a drink while we have a girls’ powwow.” I’m glad. I need some straight-up girl time with my gal pals. I haven’t seen or spoken to them since the party. I’m eager to hear what they have to say about it.
Westlyn isn’t shy about broaching the topic. “Oh my God, Ellison. Sin made that announcement about your claiming and it was like a damn auction and bidding war to see who’d win the prize.”
I cringe when I remember the way those men were shouting their intentions. “I know this claiming thing is The Fellowship way but that was the strangest thing I’ve ever witnessed. It was humiliating to stand there and listen to those men state their intent as though I had no say whatsoever.”
“Trust me. It’s more humiliating to have the man you love refuse to claim you and call you names after your leader gives him first option at you.” Lorna and I have more in common than she knows. But at least Jamie didn’t call me a whore who wasn’t fit to be the mother of his children. Leith is such a bastard for saying that about Lorna. I haven’t forgiven him yet.
Westlyn throws a pillow from the patio sofa at Lorna. “Noah Wallace tried to claim you. At least you’ve had some interest. No one has ever made any kind of move to claim me. Ellison isn’t even one of us yet and at least a dozen brothers were ready to go through endurance for her. They’re literally prepared to be beaten half to death so they can marry her.”
“It’s not your fault no one has expressed interest. Your dad ruined any chance you had with a regular Fellowship man. He made it very clear to the brothers that you were off limits because you were being saved for Sin.”
I don’t care if Westlyn and Sin aren’t blood related. It’s still super weird that Abram wanted them to marry.
“Anything my father said pertaining to me being saved for Sin would have no bearing after he married Bleu. It’s been a year and no one has made a move to claim me. Or anything else.”
Lorna releases a dramatic, exasperated breath. “I don’t know why you’re bitching about not being claimed. You don’t plan on marrying a Fellowship man anyway.”
“You’re right. I don’t know why I’m complaining. I’m definitely not marrying a Fellowship man. But I wouldn’t mind fooling around with one in the meantime.”
Westlyn hinted a while back that she was interested in a guy at uni but I never heard anything else about him. Guess it didn’t pan out.
Lorna lifts her hand. “I had the most cobwebs last time we had this conversation. I still have those same cobwebs plus a new accumulation.”
“And it’s guaranteed that won’t be changing anytime soon since Leith put out word with the brothers that none of them are to touch you.”
“He’s such a bastard.” Lorna can call him every name in the book but she likes that Leith has declared her off limits to the brothers. I can tell every time she tries to hide her smile. Just like now.
“A bastard who loves you enough to come on stage and drag your near-naked ass off a stripper pole. As he should have, by the way.” I know Lorna was retaliating against Leith after he hurt her, but I still can’t believe she went on stage to dance topless. Good thing he got her down from there only minutes into her first performance.
“And now I’m jobless. Again.”
“Not because you have to be. Leith wants you back at Duncan’s.”
“I don’t want to go back. It would feel like I’m giving in. Or forgiving him.” Lorna breathes in deeply and sighs. “But I’m approaching a point where I may not have a choice. My bank account is shrinking fast since nothing’s coming in.”
“You should go back and let him grovel. I bet he’d be very accommodating both in and out of bed.”
“I would love a good shag—and believe me, Leith is a damn good lay—but I’m not ready to go there. I still hear the echoes of what he said about me to Sin.”
“That makes me so sad because we all know Leith was blowing smoke. You two belong together.”
I’ve never understood why Leith called Lorna a whore, and I’ve been too afraid to ask her. Maybe Jamie knows what went down between them.
Lorna shrugs. “I may forgive him one day but it won’t be today.”
“Fair enough.” Westlyn twists in her seat and faces me. “Spotlight moving back to you. Did any of the men who voiced intent at the party interest you?”
I’m not a fan of being beneath this spotlight. “No.”
“Not even one?”
“No.” They both look so hopeful, like they’re waiting for—and wanting—me to elaborate.
Aside from Bleu, Westlyn and Lorna are my best friends. They accepted me into their circle when I wasn’t Fellowship, and I’m certain we’re going to grow even closer once I become one of them. They’ve told me their secrets. I want to tell them mine. “It’s impossible to be interested in any of the brothers who spoke up with intent to claim me when I’m already in love with another.”
Westlyn throws her arms into the air and shrieks. “Finally! She’s admitting it.”
Lorna leans forward, all her attention focused directly on me. “We want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?” They can’t possibly know I’m talking about Jamie. I’ve been so careful all these months to hide my feelings.
“Do it. Admit that you are in love with my brother so we can finally talk about it.”
Well, shit. I guess I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought. “I am. I’m in love with Jamie.”
Westlyn falls over on the patio sofa and beats the cushion with her hand. “Oh, shite. My mum hates your guts. She is going to be so pissed off when he claims you. Looove. It.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, Westlyn, but Jamie doesn’t plan to claim me.”
“What! Why would that ass-monkey not claim you? He loves you. I know he does. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.”
“He says I’m the sister-in-law of a leader and will need extra protection he can’t provide.”
“I told him I was confident he could protect me but he says he’s either been in a classroom or at the hospital the last several years instead of the battlefield. He doesn’t feel capable of protecting me, and he’d rather see another brother have me then risk my safety.”
Lorna touches her hand to her chest. “That’s sort of sweet but really tragic and fucked up at the same time.”
“He’s going to let one of the brothers have me. There’s nothing sweet about that.” The thought of another man crawling on top of me is nauseating. I nearly lose my breath when I imagine what it will feel like. “I don’t know if I can go through with the claiming.”
“You’ve come too far to turn back now. Leaving The Fellowship isn’t an option.” Because people don’t leave The Fellowship alive.
“You have to change his mind, Ellison.” Westlyn says it so matter-of-factly. Like it’s so easy. Do they think I’ve not tried?
“I’m not begging any man to have me.” I shrug and shake my head. “I’m just in it for some good sex now.”
“Then use that to change his mind.”
Wish it were that easy but my vagina ain’t magic. “Sex is sex. It isn’t going to convince him to marry me no matter how good it is.”
“Maybe not but a baby would. I know my brother. He’d never let another man raise his child.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Not yet but you could be if you tried. Do you use condoms? Does he… you know?” She lowers her voice. “Inside you?”
I can’t believe Westlyn is asking me that about her brother. Or suggesting I do such a horrid thing. “No way. I’m not trapping Jamie into marrying me by getting pregnant.”
“Would it really be a trap if you love him and he loves you and you both want to be together?”
I want Jamie to marry me because it’s what he wants. Not because he feels he has no other choice. “I can’t do that to him. It’s dirty and lowdown and shameful.”
Sin Series Stand-alone Novels: Endurance, Unintended & Redemption Page 13