Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Learning how to deal with life’s ups and downs is an essential life skill. When you understand the physiology of stress, it’s easier to be the sensitive emotion coach that your child needs and stay out of the power struggles.

  The Stress Hormones

  If a parent tells me his child has been awake thirty minutes and has already been sent to time-out three times, I always ask about the family’s stress level. That’s because researchers have found that when we’re stressed, our bodies become aroused, ready for action. There are actually two arousal systems: short term and long term. The short-term system is activated when your child spills a glass of milk or drops her Tonka truck on your toe. You quickly get intense and just as quickly get over it. The long-term system of arousal is governed more by longer-acting hormones. This system goes into action just as fast, but it’s main by-product is a brain chemical called cortisol. Cortisol keeps the brain on alert and lingers much longer in your system. Because cortisol remains in the system even during sleep, it can make you and your child much more vulnerable to blowups.

  When you’re stressed, cortisol levels rise, which leads to neural static. You can’t think, and you forget things. You’re more excitable and more sensitive, which can disrupt sleep and make crowds unbearable, noises louder, and surprises harder to handle. The cycle feeds itself—you get more stressed out and your brain reacts by releasing more cortisol. That’s why the more stressed the child, the less he’ll sleep; and the less sleep he gets, the more cortisol his brain produces. The result is a kid who wakes up ready to battle.

  Recognizing the Behaviors That Signal the Emotions of Stress

  Stress sneaks up on us, and as a result we often don’t even realize it’s taking its toll. Kids never say, “Gee, Mom or Dad, I’m really hurting.” Instead they throw tantrums, hit their siblings or the neighbor kids, forget their homework, start having toileting accidents after having been trained for two years, complain of headaches and stomachaches, and refuse to sleep in their own bed or to go upstairs alone. You probably have a few words you could use to describe a child who acts this way, but “stressed out” probably isn’t the first to come to mind. That’s why it’s important for you to recognize some of the typical stress behaviors. As you read through the following scenarios, you’ll also notice that adults exhibit many of the same behaviors when their cortisol levels are high. Recognizing stress behaviors helps you to realize that your family has not been taken over by extraterrestrial forces. Neither you nor your child is a monster—even if it sometimes feels that way—but you are stressed.

  Typical stress behaviors fall into two basic categories: regressive behaviors and aggressive behaviors. You and your child may find your stress behaviors falling into one category or the other, or you might demonstrate a combination of both. No one will demonstrate every one of these behaviors, nor is the following list comprehensive. The most important thing is that you recognize stress behaviors when you see or hear them.

  Regressive Behaviors

  Some regressive behaviors often exhibited by parents and kids who are stressed include these:

  Lethargy and Apathy

  Judy sighed, “My daughter and I had a huge power struggle yesterday morning. It really scared me. I got so angry I hit her. I have to be out of the house by seven A.M. My husband and I are separated, so it’s just my daughter and me. I needed her to get in the shower, but she wouldn’t. She just laid on the couch in a fetal position, hugging the cat, refusing to listen and do what she was told. I can’t do it all alone. She has to help me, but she wouldn’t. That’s when I lost it. I finally just hauled her out of the apartment. When we got home that night, I felt terrible. I asked her, ‘Why was it so important to you to lay on the couch with your cat?’ She turned to me with big brown eyes and whispered, ‘My daddy gave me my cat and my daddy doesn’t come home anymore.’ Here I’m thinking it’s an affront of my parental authority or I’ve produced a lazy, irresponsible child, and the kid is grieving!”

  Stress robs kids of energy, making it very difficult for them to comply with requests and perform even the most basic of tasks. They’re tired and want more help from us. The trouble is that frequently when our kids are this stressed, so are we. They need our help, and we barely have the energy to get ourselves out of bed. Recognizing as signs of stress lethargy and kids curling into a fetal position when they’re upset helps us to keep our cool and realize our kids aren’t just being lazy. It’s this recognition that allows us to stop threatening them with punishments and instead ask, “How can we work together to make things better?”

  Difficult Separations and Disrupted Sleep Patterns

  “When my husband was sent to Haiti with the army reserves for six months, I couldn’t get my kids to follow routines, especially at nighttime. They clung to me all day and refused to let me out of their sight. Each would have to be put to bed ten times or more, and I had to lock them out of the bathroom just to brush my teeth. The whole time I was in there, they stood in the hallway pounding on the door and screaming.”

  Fear is a lousy companion and fear of abandonment or loss can turn normally independent kids into very needy people. Sleep patterns become disrupted, so children wake frequently. Bedtimes and dropoff at school or child care can become major struggles as your kids fight to stay connected to you and reassure themselves you will not abandon them. When you need them to be independent, they are most dependent, and the fights begin.

  Falling Apart Over Seemingly Insignificant Things

  Six-year-old Katarina was bubbling with excitement. Today was the Valentine’s party at school! Running to meet the crossing patrol at the corner, she suddenly realized that she’d forgotten her stuffed animal. She burst into tears, plopped down on the sidewalk, and refused to go with the patrol. Her mother, Annette, pulled her up and told her to go, but she wouldn’t. Knowing she’d left younger kids in the house and not having enough time to deal with this, Annette took Katarina home again. At home Katarina cried and cried. She hadn’t slept well. Her dad was gone. He usually helped her get dressed in the morning but he hadn’t been there. Katarina was so worried that without his help she might be late that she’d slept in her clothes. And her clothes didn’t feel right. Instead of her normal pants and T-shirt she was wearing party clothes. The schedule was going to be different that day, too, and she didn’t know when she was going to get to eat lunch. In the end, all of the excitement was just too much and a missing stuffed animal put her right over the edge.

  It’s hard to imagine why some seemingly insignificant little thing or an innocent request like, “Put your paper in the wastebasket” or “Pick up your bag,” can result in a complete meltdown for your child. That’s why it’s important to remember it’s not the “little thing” that took her down. Stress is cumulative. One thing adds to another. The cortisol levels rise and overwhelm her, and once she begins to lose it, she can’t easily stop. The same is true for you. On a normal day a request to have a sandwich cut in triangles wouldn’t phase you. When you’re stressed, it can turn you into a shrew.

  Fearfulness

  Jacob was eight and suddenly throwing terrible tantrums ten times a day. The last one occurred when he wanted his mother to sit on the landing while he went upstairs. “This was ridiculous,” she said. “He’s gone upstairs a thousand times without me sitting on the landing, but suddenly he was demanding that I stay there and wait for him. I took a firm stance and held my ground. He ended up screaming for an hour. Is he manipulating me?”

  In the end we discovered that Jacob wasn’t manipulating his mother at all. He was responding to a news story—the recent murder of a child in her home.

  At some point, kids begin to realize that those news stories they hear about are happening right in their own community. Suddenly they’re afraid to go upstairs or downstairs or even to the bathroom alone. They have to work through this new awareness and feel safe before they’re ready to venture on their own again. Your anxiety rises with your child’s. Are yo
u doing something wrong? Why is your normally independent kid suddenly so dependent upon you? Guilt plagues you and the tension rises.

  Forgetfulness and Indecisiveness

  It was seven forty-five A.M. The school bus had just rambled past my window when the phone rang. It was my “other kid” from down the street. (We’re not related but I’m his backup mom.) “I’ve got a problem,” he said.

  “You just missed the bus?” I guessed.

  “Worse than that,” he said. “I can’t find my folder, and it’s got my report in it. It’s due today, and I need it to pass eighth grade. It’s hopeless. I’m going to flunk. My dad and sister are already gone. Will you please help me?”

  I jumped into a pair of jeans and went to help him look. We searched the house but found nothing. He couldn’t remember for sure if he’d had the folder at home or not. He thought he had, but he wasn’t quite sure. He didn’t remember the last time he had it. I knew we were in trouble. “Let’s go to school and check your locker,” I suggested. And there it was right where he’d left it.

  An irresponsible kid or a stressed-out one? I knew for a fact that this young man is hardworking, responsible, and bright. So I asked him about his school, sports, and music schedule, and about what was going on lately. It took only a few minutes for me to realize he wasn’t irresponsible but he was stressed.

  Two-year-old Ben didn’t forget things, he just couldn’t make up his mind. He started waking up in the middle of the night, but when his parents went to comfort him, he’d say, “I can’t be held.” They’d put him down, and then he’d wail, “I need to be held.” And so it went. He wanted the light on, then off, then on again.

  Stress dumps cortisol into the brain, which disrupts and hinders the thinking process. That’s why when a child experiences stress, her school grades often drop. The neural static created by cortisol actually makes it more difficult for her to learn because she can’t think, problem solve, or process information as well. It’s also this overload of cortisol that can make it diffcult for you to think clearly, make a decision, or remember things as well.

  Reversion to Younger Behavior and Becoming More Dependent

  Ricky had given up his pacifier on his third birthday, but four months later when his sister was born his mother kept finding him in the crib with the baby, pulling the pacifier out of her mouth and sticking it in his! After removing him time after time to no avail, she finally told him, “If you need a pacifier that badly, you can have it until your fourth birthday.” And that’s what he did. On his fourth birthday he dropped it in the garbage.

  Sometimes we just need to be babied. When kids are stressed, it’s not uncommon for them to suddenly want the blanket they gave up months or even years ago, start talking like a baby, demand to be picked up and carried, or want a bottle just like their infant brother or sister.

  Toileting Accidents

  During a period of economic recession my phone was ringing off the hook. The callers were parents of four-year-olds who were wetting. All of the kids had been dry for months, some for nearly two years, and suddenly they were having accidents. Their parents were frustrated and furious. Why, they wondered, was this child suddenly urinating on the floor? My response to their question was a question of my own: “Has anyone lost a job?” I suspect the callers thought that I hadn’t heard them correctly or that I was off in another ballpark. Inevitably, I’d have to ask my question again, and after a moment they’d tell me, indeed, their partner or they had been terminated. And then they’d ask incredulously, “How did you know?” When a breadwinner loses a job, there’s major stress in the household. Four-year-olds often wet when they’re stressed. I suspect that cortisol is at work here, blocking the processing of information. Since the linkages aren’t all that strong yet for four-year-olds, their brain stops being able to read the signals for a full bladder, and they have an accident.

  Agressive Behaviors

  Some agressive behaviors often exhibited by parents and kids who are stressed include these:

  Aggression and Opposition

  Tad’s day-care provider had warned his mother that if Tad didn’t settle down, he’d be expelled. Tad had become a terror. He’d mimic directions instead of complying with them. He’d stick out his tongue and call the other children and adults stupid. He was hitting, pulling hair, throwing things, and one day he even bit another child. After three moves, the loss of a favorite nanny, longer work hours for Mom and Dad, and two new day-care centers, the cortisol levels were so high in Tad that a mere look could put him on the attack.

  Striking out is a common stress response for anyone because the “thinking” brain that inhibits our behaviors gets overridden by the “fight-or-flight” response.

  Demanding Control of Anything and Everything

  Laura came home from school, demanding a snack. When her mother started making it, she insisted that her bagel be cut in a certain fashion. Then she didn’t want the jelly her mother had pulled from the refrigerator, she wanted a different brand. Her mother gritted her teeth and took a deep, slow breath. “Laura,” she replied, enunciating each word carefully, “what happened today that made you feel so powerless?” Laura’s eyes filled with tears; then she blurted out, “I got a B on my speech, and I thought I was going to get an A. And the eighth-graders were really mean on the bus. They think they’re so cool because they’re going to be in ninth grade and the year is almost over. They were pushing people around and saying you can’t sit there. I hate those eighth-graders!”

  When kids are experiencing stress, it’s often because they are feeling powerless. As a result they become demanding and argumentative, wanting to control something. They’ll order people around, even telling them that they can’t drink out of a particular glass! Or they’ll refuse to accept decisions made by others and declare instead that they will decide, whether it’s what restaurant the family will go to or what coat they will wear. Believe it or not, this isn’t a future dictator. It’s a stressed-out kid. You might notice that you, too, start barking out orders when the stress levels rise. Like your child you’d like to control something, too!

  Looking at these behaviors you may realize that you’ve never thought about kids and stress. You might have imagined that your toddler was too young to understand that Grandpa died or that Dad moved out. But even infants sense the stress around them and their brain automatically puts them on alert. The cortisol levels rise, and the behaviors that confound you appear. How, you might wonder, are you supposed to know if your child is really stressed or just acting up? Remember, the emotion coach knows kids aren’t just out to get them. There’s a feeling or need fueling this behavior. When you see behaviors that indicate your child might be stressed, an understanding of events that cause stress for kids can help you confirm your hunch.

  Experiences That Create Stress

  Some stressful events are very obvious, such as a new sibling, a new teacher or child-care provider, a move, a divorce, the start or end of a school year, a death, or a major illness. But here are a few that may surprise you.

  Birthday Parties

  Research has shown that birthday parties are one of the most stressful events in a child’s life. Watching someone else open all those gifts and cards can unravel even the calmest kids!

  Bad Weather

  It was ten days after the blizzard of the century when my phone started to ring. House-bound parents were fed up, and so were their kids! Trapped together in houses and apartments, they’d had more together time than they could bear. Routines had been disrupted, school had been canceled, and even getting to the grocery store was a major endeavor. Once the streets were opened the typical thirty-minute commute was still taking ninety minutes. Parents were late and frustrated even before they arrived at work. The four-year-olds started wetting, the six-year-olds were slugging it out, and the ten-year-olds were ordering everyone around.

  And then there were the floods and tornadoes. They hit at night which played havoc with sleep pattern
s, raised the fear levels, and sent kids flying into their parents’ bedrooms for months afterward. Even after parents got their kids back into their own beds, a year later when the wind started to blow, the kids were upset again. Think about significant storms or weather changes. Have they raised your child’s stress level?

  Holidays and Travel

  Holidays and traveling are supposed to be fun, which is why the stress they create can sneak up on you. You want to ignore it. You’re supposed to be having fun, but the disruption of routines, guests, and new foods can raise stress levels quickly and leave you in full view of all of the relatives or the public at large dealing with a kid flooded with cortisol.

  Parents’ Travel Schedules

  An increase in a parent’s travel for work can also create signficant stress for kids. Schedules become more unpredictable and parents more harried. If you listen carefully, your child will let you know that you are overcommitted.

  Toilet Learning

  If you think about it, why would anyone want to give up the close intimacy of diapering? You get your mom or dad’s full attention and a soft, cushy diaper. Toilet learning is hard work. It demands attention to one’s body and independence. It’s stressful. Add to it a new preschool or a baby brother, and the meltdowns can be terrific.

  Growth Spurts

  Chad was just about to turn five. Three weeks before the big day he started what his parents referred to as nuclear meltdowns—major tantrums over anything and everything. He’d wake up crabby, couldn’t make a decision, and was incapable of doing things he could do three months before.

  It’s when you’ve been sailing along quite smoothly and you suddenly feel like you’ve been blindsided that the odds are you’re dealing with a growth spurt. Suddenly the kid who was so competent needs help with everything. His moods are mercurial, and tears are a constant companion. He’s demanding and rude and when you look at the stresses in your life, you don’t really see anything happening that would stress him out. Except that his birthday or six-month birthday is within the next six weeks.