Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Don’t lose hope. Know as you work through those stressful events that the research on resiliency demonstrates that kids who have experienced tough times are actually stronger adults. They’ve learned that no matter what happens, they can handle it! Mary Tyler Moore says it well: “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

  Savor Your Successes

  Hannah was seven. Her parents had divorced when she was two. She lived with her mother but spent weekends with her dad. Typically when Hannah returned to her mother’s on Sunday night, she was distraught. She was hungry and tired. Inevitably, her mother ended up spending the whole evening just trying to stop the screaming and crying.

  Learning about stress behaviors gave Mom a whole new perspective. Suddenly she realized that the transfer from one parent to another after a visitation was a very stressful event for Hannah. She used her new awareness to turn this exhausting experience into one that was reasonably manageable.

  Talking with Hannah, she helped her understand her emotions by saying, “When you’ve been with your daddy, it’s hard for you to leave him. You love him. But you love me, too. When you can’t be with both of us at the same time, it’s frustrating and sad to you. All those feelings are inside of you when you come home.”

  Mom also realized it was critical that she reinforce her standards, so she said, “When you come home, no matter how upset you are, it isn’t all right for you to call Mommy names or to scream for hours.”

  Then together they talked about what Hannah could do with all of those emotions. They planned a hot bubble bath for her, along with an immediate snack. Hannah could expect that her mom would sit with her while she lounged in her bath so they could talk. Finally they clarified what else they might do that night or who might be coming over. Hannah knew exactly what to expect. All attention was focused on helping her to cope with that difficult transition, and, most important, she knew she could count on her mother to be there when she needed her the most. Hannah was learning that even when there are things in our life that we don’t like and that we wish we could change, we can still find ways to cope.

  * * *

  Coaching Tips

  Kids don’t tell us that they’re stressed. Instead they throw us their most challenging behaviors. Our job is teach them how to cope with life’s ups and downs—even when we’re stressed, too.

  When your child is stressed:

  Teach your child to recognize stress behaviors.

  Talk about the emotions she’s experiencing such as worry, sadness, disappointment, exhaustion, grief.

  Understand her indecisiveness and forgetfulness; offer extra support.

  Nurture her more. She really does need to be held, massaged, or carried.

  Maintain routines and let her know what to expect.

  Create rituals that connect you.

  When you’re stressed, too:

  Recognize your stress.

  Allow yourself to slow down and ask for help.

  Understand you need more nurturing, too.

  Take time to exercise.

  FOURTEEN

  I Will! I Won’t!

  Balancing Boundaries and Independence

  “Our family needs to be a safe place to practice, to explore, and to accomplish.”

  —Mary, mother of two

  Nicholas was two and a climber. The three-foot toy shelf in front of him provided a challenge too compelling to resist. He pulled himself up, plopped down on top, and beamed brightly. He’d done it! His mother, Eileen, watched and smiled. The shelf was sturdy, anchored to the floor, and empty. He was safe, and there wasn’t anything that could be harmed. So she let him climb.

  But then he started to swing his feet. Bang, bang, bang his heels struck the shelf. Eileen walked over, bent down, and gently laid her hand on his feet, stopping the swinging. Then she let go. “You may sit quietly,” she told him, “or I will put you down. What do you want to do?” She let him know he was making a choice. He could choose to sit on the shelf, or, if he banged against it, which would damage it, he would have to get down. The choice was his. She would enforce it.

  He looked at her, a glint in his eye, then swung his legs. Once again Eileen laid her hand on his feet stopping the swinging. Letting go she said, “You can kick the floor, not the shelf.” She even showed him what she meant by sitting on the floor and striking her heels against it.

  He paused, contemplated, then looked right at her and banged his heels against the shelf again.

  “Next time you can try again,” she explained as she stood up and lifted him down. He bellowed in response. “Now you’re mad,” she explained. But his anger didn’t frighten her. Empathizing with his frustration, she reassured him, “You’ll be able to try again later.” But for now, there would be no more climbing on the bookshelf.

  Eileen was an emotion coach. She understood that once a child starts to walk, a window of emotional development opens when it is essential that he learn: What can I do? What can I make happen? And, what are the rules around here? I like to think of this process as learning the “dos and don’ts” of life. The window for these important lessons opens during the toddler years, but it doesn’t close there. Your child continues to figure out what he can and cannot do throughout his lifetime.

  Like Eileen, you are faced every day with requests from your child who wants to try things that you aren’t sure you want him to do. And, like Eileen, you have to make a decision. Is this the time to let her do it or to hold the line? As you make your decision you are laying the foundation for self-discipline. When you say yes, you give her a sense of autonomy, a chest-pumping pride of achievement, a glowing sense of capability. When you say no, you are teaching her when and how to stop herself. These two decisions are essential elements of emotion-intelligence coaching. The challenge is to get the percentages right, because too many nos result in kids who are too afraid or ashamed to try, and too many yeses lead to kids without the ability to stop themselves. It’s the balance that leads to kids who feel competent, capable, and ready to decide what they can and cannot do—even when you’re not around.

  Keep Your Cool

  The trouble is, kids don’t understand that this is a major stage of emotional development and that their brain is practically screaming, “Do it! Try it! Find out what happens!” Instead they act it out. When they’re little, they’ll throw, climb, grab, test, leap, push, and investigate, and then look right at you as though to say, What happens now? They demand to cut their own cheese with the sharp knife, and they stomp their feet when you say no. Or they refuse to get in the car unless you let them open the door, then throw a fit if you try to help them. If you’re in a rush to get to work, it’s inevitable that they’ll want to zip their own jacket or tie their own shoe. As they grow older the requests change. Soon they are demanding to ride their bicycle miles across town, stay overnight at a friend’s house, ride the city bus years before you think they are ready, or pierce their body. It can be exasperating, and so can the flip side of this stage of development—the child who is too afraid to try. The one who declares he won’t jump in the pool, refuses to let you leave his side, or insists he is incapable of completing his homework or going to summer camp.

  Take that deep breath, count to ten, and remember, this is not a blatant case of insubordination. This is a child figuring out what he can and cannot do. During this stage he needs you as his emotion coach to help him:

  learn to stop himself by teaching him what he can do.

  identify and understand the emotions he’s experiencing.

  support him when he fears he can’t do something.

  Step One: Learning to Stop Oneself by Learning What to Do

  Whenever your child asks to do something—whether it’s a request to open the garage door, use an ax or hammer, stay out past midnight, climb up the ladder to the roof, eat cookies for breakfast, or sleep in your bed—you have to make a decision: Is this the time to hold the line or to let go? Over the yea
rs the answers to these questions inevitably change. They depend on the child and his age, the situation, how much time you have, the values of your family, and other extenuating circumstances. Unlike standards that remain the same no matter what the age of the child or the circumstances of the situation, there are no hard and fast rules for making these decisions. And therein lies the dilemma.

  As you make your decision for your child, it’s important for you to remember that someday your child will be on his own and these decisions will all be his. Your task as an emotion coach is to ensure that he feels capable of making these decisions and has the skills to do so. The process is a gradual one. Initially you have to decide what your child can and cannot do, but over time that balance of control gradually shifts toward your child. That’s why it is essential that you teach him how you are making these decisions. What information or guidelines are you using when you decide to stop a behavior, and what he can do instead? This may seem like a ridiculous thing to do when your child is only eighteen months old, but the reality is that, while he may not fully understand what you are saying now, your words are laying the foundation for later. The three-year-old who is taught about safety as well as stopped from climbing to the roof becomes the sixteen-year-old who realizes that climbing a river bluff isn’t the smartest thing to do even if all of his friends are doing it and no adults are around to stop them. It’s true that teaching your child why you are stopping him and what he can do instead does take more time; that’s why it’s essential to remember you are building skills for a lifetime. Your words and actions ultimately allow your child to be able to make these decisions on his own instead of fighting about them with you. In the long run, your efforts will save you a great deal of time and worry!

  While every parent will have individual criteria for deciding what kids can and cannot do, the parents in my classes tell me they think about rules of etiquette, safety, family values, and individual needs and differences.

  The Rules of Etiquette

  Kids are not born knowing that you’re not supposed to spit on the floor, write on the walls, run through restaurants screaming wildly, grab someone else’s toy, throw food on the floor, screech into the telephone when your mother is talking to someone, walk across other people’s furniture, climb on tables, take things that don’t belong to them, or rummage through other people’s cupboards. These are social rules that govern behavior. Your kids are unaware of these rules, and you have to teach them.

  When your young child wants to do or does something that breaches the rules of etiquette and is disrespectful, it’s time to step in and stop him. Use the same steps that you use to enforce your standards. Make a thoughtful decision about what you’re going to stop and be consistent. Tell your child to stop, and match your words with action by getting up and helping him stop. But as you do stop your child, remember that he doesn’t know better. He’s innocently testing the waters. When you stop him, you don’t have to be a bear.

  Sixteen-month-old Stephanie ate like a little trooper. But when she was finished, she’d look right at her mother and then gleefully flip her plate onto the floor. The dog would come dashing to gobble up the spoils. It was an amazing experience. Stephanie had discovered that with one small action she could make her mother jump and the dog leap. The power of her action fascinated her. She had no idea that it wasn’t good manners to throw food on the floor. And so when her mother told her to stop, she’d turn around and do it again. But her mom was an emotion coach. She watched Stephanie closely. When she saw the glint in Stephanie’s eye, she grabbed hold of the plate and removed it, saying, “We don’t throw food on the floor. We say, ‘All done!’ And Mommy will come and get your plate.” Then she calmly took Stephanie out of the high chair. Stephanie protested, but Mom didn’t stop there. She held Stephanie to calm her, and said, “It’s hard to stop. You were having fun, but we don’t throw food.” Then she helped Stephanie get a biscuit for the dog. Stephanie learned not to throw food, but she also learned how she could get her mom’s attention and even bring the dog running.

  When your child breaches the rules of etiquette, you must step in and stop him, but as you do, you can also teach him what he can do. He can’t draw on the wall, but instead of punishing him, show him where he can draw. Get large pieces of newsprint or set aside part of the basement wall for him to create a chalk mural. If he’s running across the chairs in an auditorium, stop him, but show him how to help the janitor by folding all of the seats up. If you don’t want your four-year-old to change her clothes ten times a day, that’s fine, but remember she needs to practice, so how about three times if she also learns to put the clothes away? You don’t want your child to scream in the restaurant, so teach him how to join the conversation. He can’t run through the grocery store pulling products off the shelves, but he can help find specific items and put them in the basket or sit in the cart and eat a cookie from the bakery while you shop. When your child understands the rules of etiquette and what he can do, he gains a sense of competence.

  Safety

  Noah was a climber who also happened to be fascinated with the spice cabinet. He’d figured out how to pull down the oven door and use it to climb up to the spice cupboard where he found lots of little bottles and cans. It was so fascinating to him that if his parents turned their backs, even for less than a minute, he was up onto the stove and into the spice cabinet.

  Little kids don’t know what’s safe and what’s unsafe. They don’t know that stoves can be dangerous even if they are a stepping stone to a very exciting place. They don’t know that electrical sockets are potentially life threatening. It’s your role to determine what’s safe.

  When your child is young, you must hold the line on safety. There is no negotiation. You’re the one who has to insist that he wear his seat belt or stay in his car seat even if he’d like to move around. You are the one who has to ensure that he uses a bike helmet, stays with you in the parking lot, and does not climb up on stoves. But ultimately, as your child grows and develops, he will have to make the decisions about what’s safe and what’s not safe by himself. It’s your job to prepare him.

  Being Safe Doesn’t Mean Smothering

  It was spring and eleven-year-old Joel was late in returning home for supper. When he finally arrived home, his mother demanded, “Where were you? I was worried.”

  Joel explained that he and his friends had ridden over to the university where there were ramps to ride up and down. The problem was that the university was way out of his established boundaries and meant crossing a very busy street. The year before his parents had set bike boundaries with him, figuring out who he needed to see, where he needed to go, and what busy streets needed to be avoided.

  “I don’t remember your boundaries changing,” his mother said sternly.

  “But Mom, I’m a year older now,” he reminded her. “My boundaries should be bigger. I did just fine.”

  It’s at this point that many children would find their bicycles confiscated for the next three weeks, but Joel’s mother was an astute emotion coach who immediately recognized this was a child who temperamentally was very persistent and a risk taker. She had to work with him. So she said, “We have to be able to trust you, Joel. Next time you are to ask us before you take off and we’ll work with you.” Then she took him to the busy intersection and “tested” him, asking him to demonstrate when he would choose to cross the street. When he showed good judgment, she then brainstormed with him the other things he needed to think about in order to be safe, like riding in a group, wearing a helmet, and taking a water bottle along on long rides. Then she gave him permission to expand his boundaries.

  The night he was late, Joel did get a cold supper, and he did do the dishes, but the little roamer stayed connected to his parents. During the rest of the summer he respected his expanded boundaries and told his parents where he was going. It may not surprise you to know that today Joel is a young man who climbs mountains and leads backpacking trips into the wildern
ess. But before he goes out, he makes sure someone knows where he is going and that he has the equipment and training he needs to be safe.

  Even for kids who are not risk takers by nature, it’s still important to gradually expand their boundaries in order to give them a sense of competence. Recently I had the opportunity to visit the child-development center at Patagonia, a company that manufactures and sells mountain-climbing equipment and outerwear. I was incredulous when I saw the jungle gym in the toddler’s playground. It was huge. A similar version would never be found even in an elementary schoolyard in Minnesota. At Patagonia, the elementary-age kids even had their own climbing wall!

  I turned to the center’s director and asked, “How can you do this?” She smiled at me. “Remember, almost everyone who works here is a mountain climber. They want their kids to be strong and to take reasonable risks. The jungle gym reflects the company’s philosophy. There’s only one rule: No adult may place a child up on the gym. The child has to be able to get there herself. Our role is to support her, but she does the rest.”

  Support is important as your child ventures out and discovers what she can do. Meeting challenges is vital to feeling confident, but it doesn’t mean you abandon your child and let her “find out the hard way.” The key is to show her what she needs to know to be safe and to stay with her to guide her.

  If you were taught that the world is a scary place, it may be difficult to let your child do things that were forbidden to you. For example, if you weren’t allowed to use tools or test your skills paddling a canoe, your first reaction might be to say no when your child asks to do these things. But before you automatically stop your child and step right into a power struggle, ask yourself, Is this an opportunity to teach him about safety procedures? Can you make adjustments that will keep him safe, yet encourage his curiosity and build his confidence by letting him do what he wants to do?