Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  “We have issues at other people’s houses, too,” Stephanie agreed. “Yesterday I wanted my ten-year-old to come home from a friend’s house for dinner, but when I said that she needed to come home, she said, ‘I’m not coming!’ I wanted to scream at her, but I didn’t. I stopped and asked, ‘Why don’t you want to come home?’ ‘We’re playing a game, and I’m winning!’ I understand winning. I’m competitive, too, but I still don’t want her to talk to me that way.”

  It was then that Bobbie flipped over her card and read, “‘No, I’m not going to do that!’ We’re dealing with the refusals, too,” she said, “but now my son is fifteen and he’s bigger and stronger than me. There’s no way I can make him do anything, and he knows it.”

  Tara flipped over her card and read, “‘I’m telling Dad!’ My husband and I divorced last year,” she said. “I feel like such a failure every time my eight-year-old says that.”

  The room seemed to be closing in us. Moods soured as I listed the phrases one after the other on the board. Shoulders sagged and worry lines appeared. It was then that Bill flipped over his card. “I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party,” he read. The others roared. “It’s the worst thing my four-year-old can muster.” He laughed.

  When all of the cards had been shared, I read the entire list, slowly and emphatically.

  * * *

  Make me.

  You’re unfair.

  I want a new mom….

  You’re stupid.

  I’m not going to…

  I’m telling…

  You’re not my friend.

  I’m not inviting you to my birthday party.

  You’re not my boss.

  Fine!

  I hate you.

  I’m not your slave.

  You just don’t understand.

  Everyone else can.

  Shut up.

  This is dumb.

  I have rights.

  You’re so old-fashioned.

  You don’t love me.

  I don’t care.

  * * *

  The phrases jabbed us, each one like a knife point nicking our skin. For some the reaction was immediate, the emotions keen and sharp.

  Some responded with:

  1. Anger: “I would never have spoken to my parents like she talks tome. It’s so disrespectful. I might have thought it, but I never would have said it.”

  2. Embarrassment: “It’s as though I can constantly feel other people looking over my shoulder, judging me. A good mom wouldn’t have a kid who talked like that.”

  3. Fear: “I’m failing. I’m raising a rude, spoiled brat.”

  4. Guilt: “I must be doing something wrong.”

  5. Injustice: “I don’t talk to her like that, why would she do it to me?”

  6. Frustration: “Why does it have to be so difficult to get anything done?”

  7. Loss: “I’m not his hero anymore. When he was little, he looked up tome. He thought everything I did was wonderful. But I’m not the hero anymore. Now he just thinks I’m stupid. Sometimes I feel less than human.”

  For others it was as though they’d entered a time machine. Suddenly the phrases weren’t so much coming at them, but out of them. They could feel the “child” inside of them and the words not only pushed their buttons but pricked their souls, swamping them with emotions such as these:

  1. Fear: “My brother would never listen to me, so I would yell and scream at him. My parents hated the fighting, but they’d never insist he listen to me. Instead they’d send us each to our rooms and leave us there. I realize now when I hear those words coming out of my son’s mouth I feel that isolation and abandonment all over again.”

  2. Resentment: “I was the youngest. My opinion never seemed to matter. I just wanted someone to listen to me, to understand me!”

  3. Frustration: “Sometimes there was something that was really important to me. I couldn’t get my father to understand that.”

  4. Powerless: “I never felt heard as a child, and now when my daughter hits me with those words, I feel powerless to stop her.”

  No matter whether the rush of emotions hits you in the head or in the gut, you don’t have to let it push you over the edge and disconnect you from your child. Take time to reflect on the emotions you experience. Write down your reaction. What feelings strike you? Then look at those emotions and decide what they tell you. Some you’ll definitely want to pay attention to and use as a guide that your boundaries are being invaded. No one deserves to be verbally knocked around. You can expect to be treated respectfully. This is anger that, as Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, writes, “is meant to be listened to.”

  Other times you might realize that when your kids “push” your buttons, they’ve actually tapped into your own struggles learning how to assert yourself. If as a child your attempts to assert yourself were met with shame or anger, your emotions may overwhelm you as you try to work with your child. These are the emotions you’ll want to examine carefully.

  Catching your emotions and becoming aware of them makes it much easier for you to help your child understand what she’s experiencing. It also allows you to be “the bigger person.” When you recognize the “hook,” you can swim past it. You don’t have to grab it and get pulled into a confrontation. Instead, you can choose to find a way to keep your child working with you, even when the two of you disagree.

  Step 3: Teaching Your Child What He Can Say

  The next time your child hits you with words or actions that “invade” you, tell him, “Stop, that’s bulldozing! I think you have something very important to say, but when you say it that way I stop listening. You can say it in a way that persuades me to listen.” Then think quickly, What’s the emotion that’s fueling this behavior? You can even ask your child, “Are you frustrated?” “Do you need some power?” “Did you think I wasn’t listening to you?” “Do you need a choice?” Once you’ve helped your child identify the emotion, or at least given it your best shot, you can help him think of a way to express that emotion that is more suitable to the situation and respectful to the people in it.

  Changing Bulldozing to Persuading

  Here’s a little exercise that might help you. Grab a piece of paper and on the left side of your sheet, write down all the phrases your child uses that “push your buttons.” Feel free to include the nastiest, most embarrassing, and infuriating ones. You can even include a few that you’ve heard other kids use, just to give yourself more practice and to enjoy the relief that your child hasn’t tried them—at least not yet!

  Now pull out your second-grade picture, the one in which you have no front teeth. Or perhaps one from early adolescence when your body hasn’t caught up with your nose or your feet. Place the photo right there on the table in front of you. Try to remember back to the times you shouted, or thought about shouting, “You’re not my boss!” or “You can’t make me!” What were you feeling? What were you trying to say?

  Now use your wisdom and experience as an adult to change those “button-pushing” statements to words that clearly communicate your feelings but at the same time are respectful to your listener and that persuade him to keep listening and working with you. If you can’t connect at all with the “child” in the picture, think about your office. If you disagreed with your boss, it is unlikely you would scream, “You can’t make me.” Instead you’re more likely to ask, “Can we talk about this?” The point is to open a disucssion. Your list may look like this:

  * * *

  Bulldozing statements

  Statements that persuade others to listen

  You’re not my boss.

  I’d like a choice.

  You can’t make me.

  Can we talk about this?

  I’m telling Dad.

  Please listen to me.

  You’re not my friend.

  I’d like a turn.

  I hate you.

  I didn’t like what you said.

  I’m not your slave.<
br />
  This doesn’t seem fair.

  You’re mean.

  This is important to me, please listen.

  Shut up.

  I need to take a break.

  I’ll do what I want.

  I need to try.

  Bulldozing statements

  Statements that persuade others to listen

  You’re stupid.

  There are things I need you to understand.

  You don’t love me.

  I need attention.

  Fine!

  I’m feeling pushed.

  You just don’t understand.

  Please listen to my point of view.

  Everyone else can.

  I don’t want to be left out.

  What are you going to do about it?

  I feel like I am capable and responsible.

  Mom says…

  I’m confused.

  It’s not fair.

  I feel left out.

  You’re being so old-fashioned.

  I’m feeling pressured.

  This is dumb.

  I don’t know how.

  I can’t do it.

  Please help me.

  I have rights.

  Please let me have a choice.

  I don’t care.

  I’m scared.

  * * *

  Practice Makes Better

  If your child is young or you’ve never spent time teaching him to be assertive before, you’ll need to give your child the exact words he might use. If he’s older and you’ve been working with him, you can simply say, as I did to my daughter, “Try again.” Thanks to your previous instruction and practice with him, he’ll be able to do it on his own. It may take a few tries until he gets the tone to match the words, but when you help him to redirect his drive rather than try to suppress it, it works! Brenda found this to be true and shared her story in class.

  “My daughter wanted to sleep upstairs in my bedroom this weekend,” she told the group. “Her brother and sister were staying with friends. The kids’ bedrooms are downstairs; mine is up. But she didn’t ask. Instead, with hands on hips and a defiant tone that begged me to challenge her decision, she stated, ‘I’m sleeping upstairs tonight, and you can’t stop me!’ I didn’t appreciate being ordered around by a nine-year-old. But I didn’t grab the hook. I stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath, and then firmly said to her, ‘Becca, that’s bulldozing. If you’re uncomfortable sleeping downstairs and would like to sleep on the floor by me, you can say, “Mom, Jeff and Katrina are gone. I’m not comfortable sleeping downstairs by myself. May I please sleep next to your bed?” Now try again.’

  “She repeated the words, but her tone was still defiant.

  “‘It’s much easier for me to see your point of view when you use those words,’ I told her, ‘but the tone has to match. Try again.’

  “I was amazed at how calm and in control I felt. I think it helped her, too, because she repeated it, this time very respectfully. It was so pleasant to hear her ask that way. I was much more open to working with her and together we got out her sleeping bag and made her a campsite. That night as we went to bed, she gave me a hug, and said, ‘Thanks, Mom, for listening.’”

  Sometimes it’s difficult when your child starts to assert herself, even if she does so respectfully. When she says, “Can we talk about this,” just as you’ve taught her, you may still want to scream, “No! I don’t want to discuss it!” However, at least it’s easier to pause, take the deep breath, and then decide if you want to say, “I’m sorry I don’t want to right now,” or to calmly ask, “What is important to you that I’m not hearing?” The choice is yours. Just because your child asserts herself respectfully doesn’t mean that you always say yes, but it does mean you are connected and working together.

  Adjust for the Individual and the Situation

  As you go along, remember teaching life skills takes time and practice. Every child and situation is unique. The pace at which your child learns may be different from that of another child. Keep the faith. When you run into stumbling blocks, think about making adjustments for your child’s temperament, stress level, or medical issues in order to be more successful. You’re not alone in the challenge of being an emotion coach and just to prove it, I’ll let you peek once again into a class to see what hurdles other parents have faced.

  Consider Your Child’s Temperament/Type

  Nicole shook her head. “My kids are so different. One of them is a magnificent little bulldozer. She’s very direct. She tells you what she’s thinking and is adamant she’s not going to sugarcoat anything just to be nice. Teaching her is a constant challenge. Then there’s the younger one. If I tell her to try again, she’s likely to burst into tears. Why are they so different? Am I doing something wrong?”

  All kids will bulldoze, but extroverted, thinking kids seem to be the most proficient. They tend to be very strong individuals who focus on truth and equality. When you’re coaching them, they’ll want to understand why it’s important to change their wording, and they’ll also need help identifying the “true” feeling because they want to be honest. Their natural tendency is to say what comes to mind, so learning to be assertive rather than aggressive may take more time and practice.

  Next time Nicole’s oldest daughter bulldozes, she might say something like this: “No matter how angry you are, it is not okay for you to call me stupid. Our family treats each other respectfully. Next time you’re angry at me, you can say, ‘Mom, please listen,’ or ‘I’m angry.’”

  Because factual kids want proof, she may have to add, “This is the rule in our house, and Dad, Grandma, or your teacher will tell you exactly the same thing.” Then let go of the topic.

  Nicole’s younger daughter probably prefers to process her feelings first. If your child is more of the feeling type, learning to assert herself can be more challenging. Kids who need to deal with feelings first dislike conflict and value harmony. Be gentle as you guide them. Stop the bulldozing, but don’t crush the drive. Learning to assert oneself is an essential life skill.

  Adjust for Stress

  Kim had woken late. Exhausted from packing for their move, she’d slept right through the alarm. Now she was rushing, trying to get her two sons ready for school and herself out the door. She couldn’t afford to be late for work again. Suddenly Brad insisted that he had to find his library book. “Forget it,” Kim tried to tell him. “Everything is in boxes. I can’t find it. We’ll find it when we get to our new apartment.” “No,” he screamed back. “I want it now! Get it for me!” The accusations and demands hit Kim so fast and furiously she couldn’t even respond to them. There was no coaching to be done here.

  When you feel as though every other word out of your child’s mouth is a challenge or a demand for power, take a look at the stress level. Something is up. It might be temporary or ongoing, but no matter which, your child is drowning in intensity. You have to deal with that first.

  Kim was desperate. She couldn’t be late for work again, but she realized she had to bring the intensity down before she could get her son to work with her. Pausing, she bent down and gave him a hug, saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t look for your book.”

  “But my teacher will yell at me,” Brad sobbed, pushing away from her. “She already did yesterday.”

  Kim sighed. Now understanding his vehemence, she promised, “I’ll call your teacher and make sure she knows we’re moving.”

  It took Kim two minutes, but that two minutes kept Brad working with her. They got out the door, and she arrived at work on time.

  Later, maybe that evening or perhaps after the move, when everyone is calmer, Kim can coach Ben. She might say something like, “What happened today isn’t acceptable. Next time you can say, ‘Mom, I’m scared. My teacher yelled at me yesterday, and I’m afraid to have her yell at me again,’ or ‘Mom, please listen, this is very important to me.’”

  Consider Medical Factors

  Joanne’s son was a raving ex
trovert, who also happened to have attention deficit disorder. “He just doesn’t seem to be getting it,” she said in class one day. “Keep working,” I reassured her. “If your child is an extrovert who thinks by talking and has difficulty managing impulses due to his medical condition, he will have to work harder to learn this skill. His path is longer and more complicated. He will need more concrete practice, and more structure. You may even have to make a chart listing some of the most important statements you want him to use. Adjust your expectations. Be clear and consistent. You’ll get there!”

  When Consequences Are Needed

  If you feel as though you’ve been working with your child and she’s not responding, it may be time for consequences. Remember consequences reinforce the same concept you’re trying to teach. If your child is saying hurtful things despite your coaching, you can say to her, “The next time you bulldoze, there will be a consequence. When we say things that are hurtful we are not treating people respectfully. If we’re not respectful, we need to make amends. You’ll need to do something for that person and/or apologize.” Decide together what the consequence will be. Then the next time your child gets angry and starts letting loose, you can say, “Stop, remember what we talked about. Are you choosing to do dishes for me as we decided, or are you choosing to use more suitable words to tell me how angry you are? The choice is yours.” Ninety percent of the time you’ll never have to enforce the consequence, but if you do, stay cool, be firm. Let your child know she will do the dishes for you. (If necessary, get your backup person to help you enforce it.) Remind her that next time she’ll have the opportunity to make a different choice.