Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles
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Her father agreed to walk with her. She went to seven houses, described the school magazine program, and asked if they wanted to buy. The neighbors across the street were takers. She was elated and filled out their order, skipping home in delight at her achievement. It wasn’t until later that she realized she’d forgotten to get their check. “I can’t believe I forgot to get the check,” she muttered, pressing the palm of her hand against her forehead. “I’m not going back,” she declared in a near panic. “You do it!”
Fortunately, this father recognized that his daughter was a very responsible child. She rarely forgot anything. This wasn’t a kid who needed a lesson in responsibility. This was a kid who had been willing to try. Now there was an opportunity to help her problem solve. It didn’t have to turn into a power struggle.
When you’re teaching your child how to problem solve, there are five steps you can use:
Describe the problem—what you see and hear.
Clarify the feelings—what’s important.
Explore potential solutions.
Evaluate the potential solutions.
Select a solution.
And that’s what Tara’s father did. “Let me make sure I understand the problem,” he said, knowing that was the first step. “The problem is you have an order but no check, and in order to get credit for the order, you have to have a check. Is that correct?” Tara nodded. “And right now you’re maybe feeling a little scared or embarrassed?” Tara nodded once more, adding, “I want to get credit for the order, and I want the neighbors to get their magazines.” “So you want to be responsible?” her dad questioned. She nodded.
“Well, there are lots of ways to solve this problem,” he continued. “We could rob a bank,” he teased, adding a little humor to help keep the intensity down. Tara gave him a look of disgust, but she smiled. “I could just go tell them I made a mistake,” she said. Her father agreed and offered, “You could pay for the subscription with your own money if you didn’t want to go back.” Tara frowned at that solution, then smiled and slyly said, “Or, you could pay for it so I didn’t have to go back.” Her father hooted.
“Let’s look at what happens with each of these solutions,” he continued. “What do you think about robbing a bank?” Tara gave him the “get serious” look. “All right, do you want to pay for them?” Tara shook her head no. “It’s twenty-seven dollars, I don’t have that much, but you do,” she replied hopefully. Dad shook his head. “Sorry,” he said, “I’m not willing to do that.” Tara sighed. “I guess I have to go back then. Will you come with me?” “Of course,” her dad said, and added, “I like your choice. You made an honest mistake. The neighbors will understand, and I’m very proud of you.” Tara was still uncomfortable when she went to the door, but her back was straight and her head held high. She knew she could solve this problem, and she did.
Researchers have found that optimists see problems as opportunities for problem solving. They feel capable and are confident that they can find a workable solution. Pessimists, on the other hand, believe that problems reflect their own weaknesses and that they are helpless to overcome them. When you take the time to teach your child how to problem solve, you give him the gift of optimism! It’s this gift that allows him to go out from you knowing that whatever comes his way, he can handle it.
Helping Kids to Negotiate with One Another
When I walked into Paidea Child Development Center, three four-year-olds were sitting at the table playing with Play-Doh. Suddenly two of them started to tussle over a rolling pin. The third child sighed deeply, turned to the other two, and stated matter-of-factly “When two children both want the same toy, there are many things we can do.” At four years of age, this child was already a proficient negotiator and problem solver.
Initially, when you see two kids disagreeing, your first response might be to step in and offer solutions. Of course, if one child is hurting another, you will have to stop him. But after you do, rather than telling your child what to do, recognize this situation as an opportunity to teach your child how to think and problem solve by saying things like, “How else could you tell him you wanted a turn?” or “You both want the same toy, what could you do?” or “You both want to do different things, how could you work this out?” Your child may amaze you by coming up with solutions that you never even thought about. In order to get kids to problem solve together, you have to get them to listen to one another, and then you have to help them understand why learning to negotiate is important.
Insist on Listening
The issue was sibling rivalry. Nine-year-old Luke was constantly yelling at and hitting his younger sister, Katarina. When I met the two of the them, Luke greeted me politely but clearly stayed back, observing me. Katarina moved in immediately, asking, “What’s that?” when she noticed my bag and the puppets I was carrying.
My immediate impression was one extrovert and one introvert, which quickly proved to be true as I watched Katarina jump into her brother’s space, talking nonstop. He yelled at her to stop. She didn’t. He told her to leave him alone. She didn’t and instead moved in closer, still talking. That’s when he shoved her.
Their mother sighed. “Luke can’t stand Katarina to be close to him. If they are in the backseat and she puts her foot within six inches of his, he’s complaining, ‘Get her away from me.’ Why is he so intolerant?”
Luke’s an introvert, I explained. “He’s triggered by people moving into his space either physically or verbally. He’s actually using words, telling her to stop, but she’s ignoring him. I suspect that he may be resorting to hitting because he’s not heard until he does.”
It’s your responsibility as an emotion coach to insist that kids listen to each other and consider each other’s point of view. Stopping to listen doesn’t mean giving up what’s important to them, or even giving up the toy or whatever they’re fighting about. But it does mean that the feelings and needs of both individuals matter, and they must listen.
Sometimes you have to teach your child to listen. When entering a group, it wasn’t uncommon for Alex to immediately disagree with another child by saying something like, “That’s not right!” or “You’re doing that wrong!” What she didn’t know was that by immediately disagreeing with others, attempting to take the lead too quickly, or changing the subject too abruptly, she was setting herself up for failure. Researchers have found that learning to listen and to consider the feelings of others is essential for effective social interactions. In order to help Alex be more successful in groups, her teacher taught her to stop and listen before attempting to join the conversation, explaining that even if she disagreed with what was happening, she wouldn’t be listened to if she was too abrupt. Then she taught Alex phrases like, “I wonder if there are other ways to do that?” or “That’s an interesting way, I wonder if it would work if you…” Sometimes kids need help learning that listening for the interests and needs of others is an essential component of working together.
Helping Your Child Understand the Value of Negotiating and Problem Solving
Jamie and Victoria were riding in the car with their mother. Each of them had an individual headset and CDs. Jamie was listening to one CD, but another of his was lying on the seat next to him. Victoria asked to listen to it. Jamie immediately refused. “But you’re not using it right now,” she protested. “Why can’t I use it? I’ll give it back to you.” Jamie totally ignored her.
Describing the Problem
Their mother stepped in, but she didn’t just take over and insist that Jamie give up his CD or that Victoria stop asking and use her own. She saw this as an opportunity for teaching negotiation skills. She clarified the problem for both of them. “Victoria would like to use a CD that belongs to Jamie, and Jamie is saying no.” You’ll notice she just stated the facts. She didn’t say, “Victoria is asking nicely and Jamie is being mean or a jerk.” Nor did she tell Victoria she was being spoiled and that she already had enough CDs. She simply stated the facts. T
here were no interpretations of them. When you state the facts, you keep both kids working with you. If you add interpretations or judgments, one of them is likely to feel that his or her feelings are being minimized and the intensity will go up.
Clarifying the Feelings
“Jamie,” their mother said, “Victoria used really good words. She’s telling you she’d like to listen to your CD. Did you hear her?” “Yes,” he retorted, “but she might break it. She scratches all of my CDs!”
“I’m not remembering a time when Victoria broke or scratched one of your CDs,” their mother responded, and continued. “In our family if you break something, you replace it.”
Explore Potential Solutions
“Fine,” Jamie declared. “She can use it, but the next time Victoria has candy, she has to give me half of it.” Victoria sputtered, “That’s not fair!”
Evaluate Potential Solutions
“There’s a difference between sharing a CD and candy,” their mother explained, wanting them to understand the repercussions of the solutions. “When Victoria uses your CD, she plays it and gives it back to you. You have the whole thing. But if she gave you half of her candy bar, she doesn’t get anything back.” And then, because she wanted him to consider Victoria’s point of view, she asked, “Would you agree to give away half of your candy if you were Victoria?” Jamie shook his head no. “Sometimes,” she continued, “the solution you pick may not seem the best at the moment, but in the long term it is. You don’t always have to share your possessions, but sometimes you really like it when your sister shares her things with you.” Helping your child to see the long range effects of a potential solution is critical.
Select a Solution
Ultimately, Jamie did allow his sister to use his CD. Of course, on the ride home he also wanted to use one of hers. She was willing to give it to him. A simple car ride turned into a wonderful opportunity for learning essential life skills.
When it comes to creatively solving problems, the more options your child can see, the more likely he is to get his needs met. The younger your child, the more you will be responsible for coming up with options. Remember, as you do so, that toddlers are learning the concept of what’s mine, which means sharing is extremely difficult if not impossible for them. It’s unlikely that a suggestion to share a toy will work. A much more agreeable solution would be to find another toy just like the first one. This is also true when it comes to breaking things in half. A half of a cookie is no longer a cookie as far as a toddler is concerned! Offering the option of splitting something is not going to work with toddlers.
Older kids can begin generating their own possibilities, especially if as toddlers you’ve been offering them options. Given the opportunity, kids can be very creative problem solvers. When sixteen-year-old Katie drove into the city for the first time, she missed her exit returning home. Lost, she found herself on the way to the international airport. But she didn’t panic. Katie knew she was a good problem solver. She could figure this out! She didn’t have a cell phone with her to call home and ask for directions. She thought about her options. She could stop and ask for directions, but that was easier said than done at the busy airport. So she drove through the airport until she saw the sign for rental cars. She knew there be would parking spots and people with maps there. Pulling right up to the main office area, she jumped out to ask for help. Inside she got the information and the map she needed to get herself safely home. Taking the time to teach your child to effectively solve problems is an essential life skill!
When Your Child Won’t Pick a Solution
If your child refuses to select a solution, it’s not just because he’s being stubborn. Think again about who this person is. You may have an introvert who needs time to process his feelings before he’s ready to commit. Perhaps he’s not feeling well, or a medical issue makes it difficult to process all of this information at once. Check the intensity. Has it gone up again and now is too high? If so, agree to take a break. You can say, “We’ll put that toy away until you can think of a better solution.” Avoid pushing for a commitment or rushing your child.
You can also ask your child, “Are you not making a decision because you’re not ready or because you need me to make the decision today?” Sometimes your kids need you to give them the out. They don’t have the energy or feel comfortable making the decision, and they need your support. If this had been the case with Jamie, his mother might have said to Victoria, “Jamie isn’t ready to decide what he needs and wants right now, so we’ll give him space and some time. Play another one of your CDs and then we’ll try again.”
Following Through
When eight-year-old Steven and his nine-year-old brother were fighting over the new rope swing, their mother helped the two negotiate an agreement in which each got a five-minute turn before they would switch. Steven went first, but when the timer went off, he refused to get off the swing. His mother caught the swing and stopped him, stating, “In our family we keep our word. You agreed to five-minute turns, and you need to follow through. Your brother is not going to be willing to listen to you and work with you if he can’t trust you. You need to get off the swing. If you have decided you don’t like the solution you chose, you can ask to renegotiate it, but you cannot simply ignore it.”
It is critical to insist that your child be trustworthy and follow through on his agreements. That’s why he needs to think before he selects a solution. He has to be willing to accept the consequences. If Steven refuses to honor the decision he must come in the house and lose his turn. When you know your child has lied or failed to follow through, avoid backing him into the corner by asking him, “Did you do that?” Since you already know he’s guilty, tell him, “I know you didn’t follow through. In our family if we are not trustworthy, the consequence is…,” then follow through with the consequence you’ve established. If you don’t have one, take him out of the situation and tell him you need to think about a consequence that will teach him to be trustworthy. If he’s older he may work with you on what the consequences might be, but make sure it fits the crime and teaches that in your family you keep your word.
Working Together
When you facilitate problem solving between two kids, you get to stand back and watch the process. When you’re negotiating with your child, you’re in the middle of it. While you’re helping your child to figure out what’s important to him, you also have to determine what’s important to you. And you’ve got to manage the intensity. Fortunately, the steps are the same.
Describe the Problem
A “to-do” list a mile long ran through Michael’s head as he drove home from work. His wife was out of town, but fortunately, his fourteen-year-old daughter, Kim, didn’t have school the next day. She could help out. But when he asked her to go grocery shopping with him, she refused. This could have become a major power struggle, but it wasn’t.
Michael paused, took a very deep, slow breath, and said, “I hear you saying you don’t want to go grocery shopping.” Notice he didn’t say, “I hear you saying you’re not willing to help me.” That would be an interpretation, and it wasn’t what Kim had said. She had simply said, “I don’t want to go.”
Clarify What’s Important
Kim nodded. “Right, there’s a party at Annie’s house tonight, and I need to shower and do my hair before I go over there. Buying groceries takes at least an hour, and I don’t have that much time.”
And then Michael had to think, What was really important to him? What was he feeling and needing? “Your mom is out of town; the refrigerator’s empty; we need groceries; the snowplow went through, and the driveway has to be blown out; and there are dishes to do. I need some help, especially if you also need me to take you to the party.”
“I do,” Kim clarified.
“So what you want is to go to the party and for me to give you a ride.” Michael said. “And what I need is some help getting these jobs done.”
Explore Possibilities
Select a Solution
The ideas were on the table. “I’m not comfortable with waiting until tomorrow to shop,” Michael explained. “There’s nothing to eat in the house. The drive just gets harder to clear the more it’s driven over, and you’ll want to sleep late in the morning.” Kim sighed, “All right, I’ll plow the driveway and do the dishes.” Michael took off for the grocery store. When he came home the drive was clear, the dishes done, and Kim was ready to go to the party. Together they put the food away and headed out.
This Isn’t Giving In
This really is a true-life scenario. It worked because both Kim and Michael were able to identify what was important to each of them. They also trusted each other and knew that their feelings were important to the other person. They could work together, and they did.
Kelly found it harder to identify her feelings and initially struggled negotiating with her son. One Sunday morning a phone call awoke her. It was her father calling to say that her mother had fallen. He needed her to come. It was a two-hour drive to their home. Kelly woke her fifteen-year-old son to ask if he’d go with her. She thought he’d want to because he’d just gotten his learner’s permit, and she offered to let him drive. But it was eight o’clock in the morning, and he declined. Her husband was sick, and the other kids were too little to be much help. She started to get ready to go alone, getting more frustrated and angry as she thought about her son’s refusal to accompany her. What if Mom falls again? she thought. I can’t get her up by myself and Dad’s just had surgery He won’t be able to help. She needed her son. And that’s when it hit her. She hadn’t told him that she needed him or what was important to her. She had simply said, “I’m going to Grandma’s. Do you want to come? I’ll let you drive.” She went back to his room. This time she explained, “I didn’t really communicate to you what I’m feeling. I’m scared. Grandma fell. I’m afraid she might fall again, and if she does I won’t be able to get her up by myself. I need your help. I need you to come with me. I understand you’re on vacation and you wanted to sleep. You can sleep in the car. I’ll drive.” Her son rolled out of bed. He didn’t exactly rush through his shower, but he did get ready He slept all the way, but he did go.