When Amy heard this story, she sighed. “Last night my six-year-old wanted tea with milk in it. We eat kosher, so I told him no, and he threw a fit. Now I realize I never told him we were having meat, and I didn’t want him to have meat and milk together because it’s not kosher. I just told him no.”
If your child is whining and refusing to take no for an answer, step back and make sure you’ve clearly clarified what her real feelings and needs are. Are you considering those feelings or negating them? When you respond by clarifying your child’s interest instead of just saying no, you won’t trigger her. You’ll keep her working with you and open to problem solving, looking at all the possible solutions that feel right to both of you.
And if you are feeling as though your child is disregarding your feelings, make sure you’ve communicated them clearly. Identifying what’s important to you and to your child is essential for effective negotiation.
Adjust for Temperament
Katherine had an appointment to meet with her son’s teacher right after school. She knew that would not please her ten-year-old daughter, Jessica. So she explained to her, “I need to meet with Tommy’s teacher after school. We live too far from school for me to pick you up, take you home, and come back. You’ll have to wait for me.” “But I want to come home and go sledding!” Jessica retorted. Katherine knew that Jessica was a high-energy kid who found sitting in school all day very exhausting. Waiting for her mother would not be easy. “What if I brought your clothes and the sled, and you could slide down the hill at school?” she asked. “But I don’t want to sled alone!” Jessica declared. “It’s no fun.” Katherine knew that her daughter was an extrovert and that waiting turns all day in school was very taxing to her. “Tommy will be there, too,” she explained. “He could sled with you.” It wasn’t the best answer in the world, but it wasn’t too bad. “How long?” Jessica asked. Knowing Jessica loved to barter, Katherine said, “One hour.” “Thirty minutes,” Jessica countered. “Forty-five,” Katherine responded, knowing that was really the length of her appointment. Her major needs met, Jessica agreed. After the meeting Katherine found two cheery kids, relaxed from their exercise, ready to head home. Together they’d found a solution that worked for all of them because it fit who they are.
Introverts need time to think before they’re ready to negotiate. Teach the introverts in your family to say, “I heard you, but I need time to think.” This way the extroverts won’t continue to ask questions, thinking they haven’t been heard. If you’re an extrovert and the introverts in your family don’t tell you that they’re thinking, instead of getting angry with them when they don’t respond, ask them, “Are you thinking?” It’s understanding who we are and what we need that helps us to be most effective.
Adjust for Stress and Medical
Kindergarten threw Casey for a loop. She’d looked forward to starting school, but once she did she wasn’t sure she liked the place, nor believed that it was safe. Mornings became a time of tears and pleading, “Don’t make me go. I don’t want to go.” Fortunately, her mother recognized her daughter’s anxieties and fears and understood the stress that was driving them. Casey’s dad had taken a job in another city and was commuting on weekends. The stress levels in the family were very high. Mom also remembered that new situations were often challenging for her daughter. So she listened and asked, “How can we make it better?”
After consulting with the teacher they all decided that each morning Mom would write the teacher, letting her know what kind of evening Casey had had and how she was feeling that morning. Casey was allowed to tell her mother what she’d like to be written in the note. The teacher agreed to call Mom each day at noon to check in and let her know how things were going in the classroom.
Casey saw her mother and teacher were working together with her. It was worth the teacher’s time to place the call and Mom’s to write the note because these measures vastly reduced Casey’s fears, which ultimately resulted in the end of the morning blues.
One of the most empowering messages we can give our children when they are stressed is that together we can find a way to make this situation better. We can’t change it or control it necessarily, but we can find a way to cope. We are problem solvers!
When You Realize You’ve Made a Mistake
Sarah had waited weeks for the end-of-the-school-year parties. Usually her family celebrated by going out to dinner, but now that she was in eighth grade, Sarah wanted to celebrate with her friends. When she asked her mother if she could go, her mother immediately said, “No, we celebrate as a family.” Sarah tried to explain that this year was different. She was older now, but still her mother insisted that they celebrate together. It was only after hearing the sadness in Sarah’s voice as she told her friends that she’d miss the parties that Mom realized how important the parties were to Sarah and that she really was growing up. Maybe it was time to problem solve together to find a way to celebrate as a family and with friends.
Kids can hit you out of the blue with requests that at the moment seem ridiculous or insignificant to you. Your first response may be to simply say no. If you find yourself in a situation where you’ve said no but realize later that you didn’t consider your child’s point of view, nor did you do a good job of communicating your feelings, you can go back to your child and honestly say, “I’ve been thinking. I know I said no, but now I have more information,” or “Now that I’ve had time to think or I’m more focused, I realize it’s more important to you than I thought. Let’s talk about it.”
You can teach your child phrases like, “Can we talk about this?” or “Think about it, Mom, and we can talk later,” or “Do you need more information?” When your child has these phrases in her vocabulary, she doesn’t have to blow up to get your attention. She will learn to negotiate respectfully, considering your feelings as well as her own. Teaching her these phrases begins by modeling them. You can tell her, “Right now I can’t think about what’s important and what’s not. We’ll have to talk later, but we will.”
Savor Your Successes
You are an emotion coach, and as an emotion coach you get to choose when and what you’ll negotiate with your child. Remember, it’s the process of negotiation that is most important. This process teaches your child to think and creatively solve problems. It also says to your child, “What you feel matters to me.” It’s a message that connects you and allows you to win together for a lifetime.
* * *
Coaching Tips
Teach kids to problem solve; it’s an essential life skill.
Let your child know that you are listening and trying to understand.
Remind your child that he is a good problem solver.
Ask your child to think about what else he could do.
Let your child watch you and other adults problem solve together.
Bring down the intensity before you try to problem solve.
Help your child to identify what she is feeling and what is most important to her.
Teach your child to evaluate the consequences of potential solutions.
Remember that the most effective solutions consider the feelings of all involved.
PART FIVE
Celebrating the Child Who Is More: Caring, Competent, and Connected
EPILOGUE
“A dazzling place I never knew, but, now, from way up here it’s crystal clear that now I’m in a whole new world with you.”
—Tim Rice
I am hopeful that this is not an ending but a beginning. I hope I have been able to share with you a new perspective, a whole new point of view. Together we’ve gone below the surface to the feelings and needs that can fuel power struggles. And it is there in the depths of those emotions that you have discovered your child is not out to get you. Your child is experiencing a feeling or need and doesn’t know how to express it respectfully. You can teach him.
It’s true that emotion coaching will not eliminate all of the power struggles in your life. I
wish I could say that it would. But I do know that when that emotional bond is strong, you and your child will find yourselves in a new place—a place where you can celebrate who your child is and who you are, a place where each new stage takes you to a higher level of understanding, strengthens your skills, and opens you to a dazzling array of emotions. Once you’ve experienced this connection, you’ll never want to go back to where you used to be.
The journey of learning new skills takes us on a twisting path. It winds up hills and down, sometimes gradually, at times sharply. There are points when every stroke is an exertion, and then, just when we think we cannot cover another inch, we get to coast. Our challenge is to enjoy the thrill of the ride.
I thought about all of this one day when I was bicycling to the village near our summer cabin. I was on a mission to get the morning paper. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a nest. Six feet across and formed of sticks, it was hard to miss, perched on the top of the high-wire pole. Two osprey chicks clung to its edge. I’ll have to stop and watch them when I come back, I thought to myself and rode by. Then I heard my mother’s words echoing in my head. The proverbial farm woman, her favorite motto was, “Make hay while the sun shines.” I haven’t made hay in almost thirty years, but her words still caught me. “The birds are there,” I told myself. “Stop now.” I hesitated. It wasn’t in my plans, but then I veered into a U-turn and went back. I watched as the chicks stretched their necks and arched their wings, great wings that flapped in the breeze. Their screeches were shrill and sharp. It was a wondrous experience, one of those moments when you realize you’ve been given a great gift, if only you slow down enough to grab it. I rode on, more attuned now to the sounds of the insects and birds around me, the colors of the flowers blooming in the ditch, and the sun flirting with the clouds, dappling the road with shadows. I didn’t linger in the village; instead I headed back, picking up speed, eager to see the ospreys again. But when I rounded the corner, I saw that they were gone.
Like the ospreys, our children perch on the edge of their nest. They flap their wings, squawk, and arch their necks at us, too. The challenge is to realize that each flap is an opportunity. Every squawk a message. Each arch a gift. It isn’t easy to be the emotion coach, taking advantage of those opportunities, because to do so means stopping and grabbing the moment, even when it’s not convenient. It requires slowing down, reflecting, and absorbing the sensations and emotions of the moment. The choice is ours whether or not to grab it. We get to make that choice every day as we interact with our children. In fact, it is ours to make at this very moment; for soon, much sooner than you might ever imagine, the nest will be empty.
RECOMMENDED READING
Emotional Intelligence
Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York: Bantam Books, 1995.
Gottman, John. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997.
Hendrix, Harville and Helen Hunt. Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents. New York: Pocket Books, 1997.
Temperament and Type
Aron, Elaine N. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. New York: Broadway Books, 1996.
Carey, William B., M.D. Understanding Your Child’s Temperament. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic. New York: HarperCollins, 1991.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. New York: HarperCollins, 1998.
Murphy, Elizabeth. The Developing Child. Palo Alto, Calif.: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1992.
Neff, Lavonne. One of a Kind: Making the Most of Your Child’s Uniqueness. Gainesville, Fla.: Center for Applications of Psychological Type, Inc., 1995.
Tieger, Paul and Barbara Barron-Tieger. Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child’s Personality Type—And Become a Better Parent. Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 1997.
General Discipline
Kohn, Alfie. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1993.
Sears, William, M.D. Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep. Franklin Park, Ill.: La Leche League International, 1993.
Stress
Doherty, William, J. The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1997.
Sapolsky, Robert M. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: A Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases and Coping. New York: W. H. Freeman, 1994.
Witkin, Georgia, Ph.D. KidStress: Effective Strategies Parents Can Teach Their Kids for School, Family, Peers, the World—and Everything. New York: Penguin Putnam, 1999.
Medical
Freed, Jeffrey. Raising a Right Brain Child in a Left Brain World. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998.
Garber, Stephen W. and Marianne Daniels Garber. Beyond Ritalin. New York: HarperPerennial, 1996.
Kranowitz, Carol Stock. The Out of Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. New York: Skylight Press, 1998.
Owens-Stively, Judith, M.D. Childhood Constipation and Soiling: A Practical Guide for Parents and Children. Minneapolis: Children’s Health Care, 1995.
Development
Davis, Laura and Janis Keyser. Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years. New York: Broadway Books, 1997.
Gerber, Magda. Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities—from the Very Start. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1998.
Giannetti, Charlene and Margaret Sagarese. The Roller Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years. New York: Broadway Books, 1997
Greenspan, Stanley, I., M.D. Playground Politics: Understanding the Emotional Life of Your School-Age Child. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1993
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Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Page 32