The First Stain

by Dakota Rayne et al.

  Kettleman’s shop was a run-down looking pub hidden down a side street usually inhabited by beggars and strung-out junkies. If you didn’t know what to look for, you would walk right past the white clay building. The windows were boarded over with wooden slats, keeping the darkness within. If the general public learned that he was offering Distortions from the Archives, the police would swarm the place in an instant, shutting it down permanently. Kettleman was one of the few illegal Distortion pubs functioning under the guise of a smoke shop.

  As Avery walked through the streets, her hands shoved into the pocket of her sweatshirt, she wondered, not for the first time, how she found herself traveling through the less savory parts of town, spending her paychecks on hits of Distortion. On more than one occasion, she told herself that she would stop reliving other people’s memories, but without fail, she would find herself back at someplace like Kettleman’s for one more fix.

  Reliving the memories of others was the only thing that kept Avery sane as she struggled through her courses. Being identified as “gifted” at such a young age didn’t help her. Instead, it singled her out for the unrealistic expectations that her parents placed on her. Distortion provided a measure of relief from her countless exams, prep courses, and volunteer work that she drowned in while she studied to become a doctor. She’d learned long ago that she would much rather become a conservationist, finding ways to keep endangered species like the lion and orca from going extinct. When the world lost both the last elephant and sea turtle during her freshman year of high school, she vowed not to let the world lose another species.

  I really need to stop, she told herself. I’m blowing through my money too quickly. Soon, Mom’s going to start asking why I can’t keep a balance during school, even with a job.

  People passed by her in a blur. She had walked this path so many times that she no longer needed to pay attention to where she was going. Beggars and pickpockets usually left the poor college student alone to her thoughts. They’d tried robbing her one too many times only to find that she was as poor as they were.

  Before she knew it, Avery found herself turning into her neighborhood. The beautiful two-story houses sat atop lush patches of green. An occasional flash of color on the lawns or next to the homes differentiated them from their identical-looking neighbor. Avery bent over to pick up a stick, dragging it along the few homes that still had standing white picket fences, reminders of what the world used to be like in the generations before her. The clacking of the stick on the wooden slats of the fences somehow soothed her nerves as she walked by, helping her unwind as she approached her parents’ house.

  Turning onto a stamped concrete driveway, Avery made her way up the porch and let herself into her home. The wall of the foyer was covered with photos of the family. Pictures of her parents and little brother were intermingled with ones of their grandparents and a few cousins. On the side, there was one of Avery, no more than six years old, with her hair in a high tail and a missing front tooth while she smiled in her soccer uniform. Avery felt a twinge of guilt as she walked past the images of a happy, carefree family. It’d been a long time since she felt like a part of that family.

  “I’m home,” she called out to no one in particular.

  “Oh, Avery,” her mom’s voice came from the dining room. “Come and say hi to your grandma.”

  Avery walked through the main hallway and found herself in the dining room. At the table, her mother and grandmother sat holding mugs of what appeared to be hot tea and hot chocolate. Her grandmother’s gold bangle with a single topaz clinked against her cup as the older woman took a sip.

  “Hi, Grandma Erin,” Avery said, bending over and giving the elderly woman a hug. “I didn’t know you were coming over today.”

  “I wanted to stop by before Grandpa and I leave for vacation,” Erin replied. “I have a girls’ trip planned with some of my high school friends.” Erin finished her statement with a smile.

  “And after all of these years, I’m finally invited,” Grandpa Frank’s voice cut in. “Your Grandma used to go on trips without me, only to find that it wasn’t a true girls’ trip when Haley’s husband tagged along. She’d leave me all alone.”

  “Oh, honey, it was just that one trip up north,” Erin said with a grin. “And how was I supposed to know that boys were invited? Haley asked Kenzie and me if we wanted to join her and Kayla on the trip. No mention of boys anywhere.”

  “Sure,” Frank replied with a wink. He bent down and kissed his wife on the forehead before turning and exiting the room.

  “Mom, I don’t know how you and Dad do it, but you seem to get cuter with age,” Avery’s mom, Alexis, said.

  “I just lucked out when I found him,” Erin answered.

  Avery started backing away from the table, heading towards the kitchen to grab a snack. Distortion rushes always made her hungry afterwards. Picking up a banana and a bag of chips, Avery waved a hurried good-bye to her grandmother before darting up to her room.

  Once she was safe in her room, she shut the door and turned on her vintage CD player. A distorted guitar riff came on, filling her room with its music. The lead guitar overlapped the main pattern with something similar to the vocal melody. Avery sat on her bed and leaned against the headboard; her eyes closed as she tried to drown everything out.

  Oh, I feel like shit. Crashing from the high really sucks.

  The door opened as Avery’s sixteen-year-old brother stuck his head in. His mess of dark hair lay hidden under a baseball cap.

  “What are you doing?” Joey asked. “You’re never home during the week unless you need something.”

  Avery scowled and threw a sock at her brother with one hand as she munched on some chips with the other. “Is it a crime now to come home and relax in your room? I don’t walk in on you when you want to enjoy a private moment to yourself.”

  Joey smirked as he shut the door, deflecting the soft projectile. When the door didn’t open again, she crammed some more chips in her mouth, satisfied that he wouldn’t be coming back. She closed her eyes once more and melted into her bed.

  It felt like only a few minutes later when her mom opened the door.

  “You were doing it again, weren’t you?” Alexis asked. “Getting high on Distortion.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Avery said, opening her eyes. “You’re overreacting.”

  “Am I? You’re back home and the first thing you do is eat. Show me your arms.”

  Avery froze.

  “Avery Jane,” Alexis said, her tone icy. “Show me your damn arms now.”

  Reluctantly, Avery took off her sweatshirt. Her mother took one look at her gauze-wrapped arm and her lips pursed into a tight line. Avery watched as her mother started chewing her tongue, not saying anything.

  “It’s the last time, Mom,” Avery said softly. “I won’t do it anymore.”

  “I wish I could believe you, but you’ve said this before.”

  Avery sat in uncomfortable silence, watching her mom’s disappointment. Alexis’ lips were so tight her cheeks developed sharp edges from being sucked in. Her mother’s eyebrows furrowed as she fought to keep her composure, her finger tapping on her forearm as she crossed her arms. A knot formed in Avery’s stomach as she dropped her eyes, unable to look at her mother.

  “I’m cutting you off,” Alexis said quietly. “No more credits.”

  Avery struggled to find the words to respond to her mother. Shame burned her cheeks, but she remained silent. After so many promises to quit, it was unlikely that her mother would believe her again. Her mother could only take so much heartache.

  “Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Alexis asked.

  Avery shook her head. “I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anyone.”

  Alexis sighed. “You’re moving home. No more living off campus. Obviously, I failed you somehow, and in order to make sure everything goes back to the way it was, I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

  Avery nodded her head almost impercep
tibly.

  “We’ll grab your stuff from your apartment on Saturday. Until then, you’ll come straight home from school and work.”

  Another nod.

  “I can’t believe you, Avery. I just, I can’t right now . . . .” She waved her hands several times for emphasis as she spoke, her voice cracking a little. “You’re better than this.” Turning with a sigh, Alexis walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  Avery reached over and turned off her CD player. Pulling her knees to her chest, she stuck her head in between her legs and spent the rest of the night in silence in her room. She wanted to stop; she’d tried before. Why didn’t they understand that it wasn’t so easy?

  Avery woke up curled in a ball on her bed. Her wrinkled clothes from the day before hung off her slim frame. Her body felt drained. Distortion crash always left her feeling hollow inside. That was the downside of the rush; after the spike of adrenaline, the body took a while to recover, leaving it feeling empty.

  One last hit, she told herself. If I’m going to quit, I need one final rush.

  Avery got off her bed, her body lethargic, and rummaged around her room for some credits to take to Kettleman.

  Come on, she panicked. Just enough for one more. I can’t end like this.

  She scrambled around, trying to find something. With a surge of hope, she found fifteen plastic chips in an old pair of jeans crumpled in the bottom of her closet. After an additional five minutes of fruitless searching, Avery gave up and changed her clothes. She’d have to see if Kettleman would take the fifteen credits for a hit. Looking around her room for something else to possibly barter with, she found a gold necklace that her grandmother had given her as a high school graduation present. It was a simple chain with a gold heart charm. Scooping it up, Avery’s eyes caught a flash of light bouncing off of her initials engraved into the heart. A knot formed in her stomach. With a resigned sigh, she stuffed the necklace in her pocket and left her room.

  Downstairs, she saw her grandparents eating breakfast. The two looked up from their meal and smiled at their granddaughter.

  “Good morning, Avery,” Erin said. “Did you sleep well? We missed you at dinner.”

  “Yeah, I slept fine,” Avery replied, the weight of her decision still sitting heavily within her. “I wasn’t feeling that great after work and just needed to sleep it off.” She walked into the kitchen to grab an apple when she stopped. “I thought you and Grandpa were going to be gone last night?”

  “Oh, we were, but our flight was delayed, so we don’t have to be at the airport until later this afternoon,” Erin replied.

  “Luckily we were able to stay here instead of having to stay at a hotel,” Frank added. “It’s not like we live that far away, but you know how Grandma doesn’t like to travel late at night.”

  “The way that people drive sometimes makes me really uncomfortable,” Erin explained.

  “I know, honey, you don’t have to tell me.” Frank sighed and returned to his food. “Will you be around before we leave?”

  “Oh,” Avery hesitated. “I should be. I just need to stop by my apartment really quick and grab something. Mom wanted me to move back so I have more time for my studies and I figured that I should start picking up some important stuff now to make the move easier.”

  “Do you need an extra pair of hands or two?” Frank asked. “We can help. We don’t have anything to do this morning.”

  “Thank you, but I can manage,” Avery replied. “I’ll see you later today.”

  Waving goodbye to her grandparents, Avery walked briskly out of the dining room and out of the house. Her heart felt heavy. As she walked down the streets, she let her mind wander, trying to block out the shame of what she was about to do. Her grandparents spoiled her, and this was how she was going to repay their kindness. By trading away a necklace for a temporary surge of adrenaline to feed her addiction. Forcing herself to think of the move she had ahead later that day, Avery walked on.

  In what felt like no time at all, she arrived at Kettleman’s shop. The journey to his place always seemed to go quickly.

  Probably the anticipation, she rationalized. Especially since it’s the last time.

  Tentatively, Avery reached out and grabbed the worn brass knob. The polished metal felt warm in her hand in the early morning sun. Scanning her surroundings, she took a deep breath and turned the knob, opening the door. She quickly darted into the darkened room, shutting the door behind her.

  Avery gave herself a moment for her eyes to adjust. She heard footsteps shuffling nearby and turned to face the source of the noise. Avery watched as Kettleman’s form materialized in front of her from the shadows.

  “Back so soon, babe?” he asked with a smirk.

  “You said you had something interesting to show me,” Avery replied.

  “Ah, yes. Yes, I do.” Kettleman rubbed his bony fingers together. “How long would you like?”

  “Well,” Avery said tentatively. She rubbed the back of her head as she spoke, “About that. I only have fifteen credits. I don’t know how much time that’ll get me.”

  “Fifteen?” Kettleman said, raising his eyebrow.

  Avery dropped her eyes. She hated herself as she reached down and stuck her hand in her pocket. She felt the fine chain bunched up in her pocket, and a lump formed in her throat. Pulling her hand from her pocket, empty, she took a deep breath. “I am willing to trade something . . . else to make up the difference.”

  Kettleman eyed her, a question clearly etched on his face. “And what might that be?”

  Avery averted her eyes as her cheeks flushed in shame. She was glad that he couldn’t see her well in the dim lighting.

  “Christ. Keep your dignity,” he said finally. Running his hand through his immaculately styled hair, he glanced over at Avery. With a pat on her back, Kettleman skirted eye contact with her before heading to the other room. “I’ll give you a discounted rate. Think of it as a thank you for being such a good customer these last few months.”

  Avery’s eyes darted up as she could finally look at him. “Thank you,” she muttered.

  Kettleman motioned for her to follow him down the hall towards the Distortion room. Avery followed a few steps behind him, shame still burning on her cheeks.

  I can’t believe I almost did that. Have I really become that desperate?

  Her thoughts were interrupted as she reached the room. She selected her usual worn, brown leather chair and settled down into it. Taking off her sweatshirt, she placed it in her lap and waited for Kettleman to return with the memories and IV. Avery didn’t have to wait long. He returned quickly holding a bag with a faded green label.

  The man busied himself with preparing her arm for the needle. After finding a suitable vein, he wiped down her arm with an alcohol wipe before inserting the needle. Avery found herself inhaling sharply as the needle pierced her skin. Once he got it in, he taped the needle down and hooked it up to the memory bag.

  “I think you’ll enjoy these. Call me if you need me,” Kettleman said. The shop proprietor stepped out of the room and shut the door behind her.

  Avery closed her eyes and counted backwards from ten, coughing as she inhaled a lungful of the pungent stench of tobacco from the smoke shop out front. Before she could finish counting, her mind melted into the memories and she found herself standing in the grass next to a brick building. Looking around, Avery tried to figure out where she was. People walked around, some milling on a bench under a tree. Many wore backpacks or carried thick books.

  “Looks like a college,” Avery muttered to herself.

  Glancing at her hands and clothes, Avery tried to figure out who she was. A gold bracelet with a topaz stone slipped up her arm a bit as she moved to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. It looked familiar. Avery didn’t have much time to take in her surroundings before a voice rang out in the middle of the quad.

  “Erin!”

  Avery turned and felt happiness fill her at the sound of the voice.<
br />
  Grandma?

  A young girl with short chocolate hair came running towards her and tackled her with a one-armed hug. “Are you ready for the exam today?” she asked.

  “Yeah, Tori,” Erin replied. “Although, this isn’t really a test that I was nervous about to begin with.”

  The two shared a laugh as they walked to the student union together. They wove between slower moving students, their arms linked together as they walked. Avery tried to focus on her surroundings, but Erin was too busy talking with her friend to look around at anything else.

  “Are you ready for Mariah’s birthday party?” Tori asked Erin.

  Erin nodded. “Goodness knows I need something to look forward to this weekend.”

  “Oh, shit!” Tori exclaimed. “I left my notebook back at the lab. I’ll catch up with you in class?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be in the union if you get there in time.”

  Erin briefly watched as her friend tore off to her previous classroom. She didn’t watch long, however, as Avery felt her grandmother’s stomach rumble.

  Must be lunchtime, Avery thought.

  Avery enjoyed the ride as her grandmother continued on her way to the student union. It was a different high; one without adrenaline, but the excitement was still there. She marveled at the pale pink and orange rose garden that was planted in the middle of the quad, taking in the beauty that her grandmother took for granted. Ivy vines climbed up a worn wooden trellis behind the rose garden, wrapping over an arch and mingling in with a perfectly manicured bush. Erin barely seemed to register what she was seeing. To Avery, it lifted her spirits after her rough morning. As she walked through the quad, Avery felt Erin’s joy as she caught a glimpse of another friend in the distance.

  Levi sauntered towards the union, walking up a side path from where she approached. Breaking into a jog, Erin made her way to him.