Breaking Bailey

by AnonYMous

  After the movie we sat around talking. She asked me about my mom and I told her a few things. Then she asked me what happened to her. And it’s okay. I mean, I’m used to getting asked, I guess, and it’s nice that she cares. I told her about how Mom was driving me to get some school supplies. Luckily, Bex was home with Dad. We had a green light. Mom even looked both ways before she started to go through the intersection. She was always cautious like that. It was just that this other car was so fast. And the driver was texting, not paying any attention. She hit Mom’s side of the car and we spun so hard that I hit my head on my window. I passed out. At the hospital I was told I had a concussion. I was also told Mom didn’t make it, but they didn’t have to tell me. I remembered—still remember—every detail of the last time I saw her alive. The side of the car was folded in over her. She was covered in sticky red. It smelled like metal and burning. Her mouth was open, frozen in a scream. She didn’t answer me when I called out to her, before I lost consciousness.

  I didn’t actually tell Emily the gruesome parts and I don’t know why I wrote it down just now. I guess it feels good to write it, like something I needed to get off my chest. The girl who was texting walked away with hardly more than a scratch, like she hadn’t irrevocably changed anyone’s life. That girl is still alive. I am too. At least, mostly alive. I’ve heard people say that a part of themselves died when they lost someone they loved. I’m not sure any of me died with her. But I am sure that I’ll never be the same. It’s been two years now and I still don’t really feel like myself. I managed to keep my grades up, and I went through the motions at school, but I didn’t make any friends. The ones I had got tired of me being not much more than a zombie who did homework. I never went out with them anymore. Pretty soon I just wasn’t invited. I’d like to say it hurt, but it didn’t. Not really. I was kind of relieved that I didn’t have to act normal around anyone.

  Dad was kind of like me, too. He’d be better around Bex, because Bex needed both of us to show her that we were okay, that we were all okay, or we were going to be. But when it was just us, Dad and I were the same. Until Isa came around. Then Dad wasn’t just pretending that things were fine, he actually was fine. He pulled himself out of the hole we’d made for ourselves and cleaned up the house, bought new furniture, got rid of Mom’s clothes, and, I noticed, he took down the pictures of Mom in his room. Meanwhile, I kept her picture by my bed and slept with her pillowcase on my pillow, still deep in the grieving hole. And I guess that’s what I’m mad about most. Not that Dad found someone new or even that he’s over Mom. Just that he left me behind, and now it feels like I’m the only one still grieving.

  I didn’t tell Emily any of that, either. She started talking about movies where moms die, like they could be some kind of therapy for me. It’s sweet of her, in her own nerdy film-buff way, but I don’t need therapy. I don’t need movies. I just need Mom back. Failing that, because of course I can’t have her back, not being alone would be nice. And now that I think about it, having new friends who know nothing about my mom . . . Honestly, it would be kind of a relief. A fresh start. I could eliminate the sad elephant in the room and just try to be Bailey again.

  I think maybe I should just flat-out ask Katy what I need to do to become an official member of the Science Club. It would be amazing to be part of a group again. I had a decent-sized group of friends back home. Two of them, Jess and Anna, had been my friends since first grade. Evan, Cat, P.J., and Chelsea were added in middle school, and we oddly stuck together through high school. I thought they were going to be there through thick and thin, but I realized that wasn’t going to happen after Mom died. I can’t really blame them for not understanding, and they were just amazing before then. Very accepting of my know-it-all-ness and Ivy League ambitions, even if they would have rather spent their nights driving around aimlessly in the country and hardly ever read books unless they were for school. As fun as they were, though, it would be great to have a group of friends with ambition like mine, and of course the chemistry part of it would be fun. Plus, well, Warren. Maybe it’s too soon to say this, but I think there’s a connection there. I can already see how great it would be to have a boyfriend who wants to go to Princeton and loves learning and chemistry. Back home, I think it intimidated most of the guys I knew, how focused I was on college. And let’s face it, if I join, I’d certainly never have to be lonely, because it’s clear the Science Club takes care of their own. And if my mom’s death taught me anything, it’s that being lonely and not understood is the worst thing in the world.

  I guess I’ve made up my mind.

  September 24

  I found out what the Science Club initiation is.

  I went to the lab again. It was Sunday afternoon and I was bored. Emily was elsewhere—she didn’t tell me where she was going. I assume the library, or Prescott’s AV room. I’d finished all my homework, even the extra set of formulas Mr. Callahan had me work through. There was nothing to do except watch sitcom reruns or read, and the rest of the dorm was too quiet. I threw on one of my new sweaters and went to the old science building.

  The doors outside were locked, but I could see lights on through the frosted glass of the basement windows. I knocked as loud as I could. Katy laughed when she opened the door and saw me there.

  Katy: Password?

  Me: Um, labor omnia improba vincit?

  Katy: You honestly think Prescott’s motto is going to be our password?

  Me, stuttering: Um, okay. Etlay emay inyay, easeplay.

  Katy, smiling: Glad to see you here, Bailey. We were hoping you’d join us. You do want to join us, right? (I nodded.) There’s something we need from you before you do, though.

  Me: Is this the initiation?

  Katy laughed, like I was such a kidder, but she got serious really quickly. Then she explained what they needed from me.

  Collateral. They need something to make sure that I won’t rat them out. Something to make the consequences horrific for me if I did.

  And as Katy explained exactly what I needed to do, I started to realize exactly how horrific.

  She must have been able to see my thoughts on my face because she told me to think it over and to come back when I was sure.

  I don’t know how I could ever be sure of this.

  September 25

  Something truly weird just happened. Emily and I were doing homework after dinner when there was a knock at the door. She went to open it, and there was a package sitting in the hallway. No one was there. Pretty handwriting on the top announced that the package was for me.

  It was wrapped in simple brown paper and tied with twine, like an old-fashioned Christmas present. I opened it immediately. Inside there were two chemistry textbooks. Textbooks I know plain well are used at Harvard. Both are written by professors there.

  Emily asked me if they were from Mr. Callahan, but they’re not. I know exactly who they’re from.

  September 27

  This has been, by far, my best day at Prescott, and I owe it to the Science Club. It was like they planned a wooing coup (God, that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t know what else to call it). I don’t have much time because Katy’s going to be here in about twenty minutes to go get coffee and study for our civics quiz, but here are the highlights:

  Warren showed up after my first class with a cup of coffee for me. He walked me to my next class, looked me straight in the eye and told me it was great to see me again, then walked away. Swoon. For such a chemistry geek, he has swagger for DAYS.

  At lunch I walked by the Glamorous Table like usual, but this time they waved me over to them. And then they slid over and made room. Just like that. It was SO COOL.

  Katy taught me how to use lip liner between third and fourth period. Then she gave me one of her dark lipsticks. It was Chanel. I told her I couldn’t possibly accept it, since they’re so expensive, and she just shrugged and said, “Please. That’s pocket change compared to what we make in a week in the Club.” And then she asked me
to get coffee with her tonight.

  Drew announced to the whole class that I am brilliant with chemistry. He actually called me the Chemistry Queen. It was embarrassing and also amazing and I think some of the girls wanted to kill me.

  Emily is gone again. No idea where she goes, but I’m okay with that for now. She isn’t happy that I ditched her at lunch, I don’t think. But I did ask everyone if she could join us. Warren said no, absolutely not. I feel really terrible about that. Emily doesn’t seem to have many friends here at Prescott. She’s not exactly a pariah, but I don’t think she MEANS to be a loner either. Maybe something happened with her before . . . like maybe she used to have a lot of friends but they don’t talk to her anymore for some reason. Which leads me to the next point:

  I’m beginning to feel like maybe Emily and Warren used to date or something? I can’t help but wonder . . . Why does Warren seem to dislike her so much, and vice versa? Must ask Katy later.

  I promise I’ll write more tomorrow, but for now, all I can say is I feel like I’m “in.” And it’s wonderful. The best I’ve felt in ages. And I can’t be out again. I just can’t.

  I know what I have to do.

  September 30

  This time when I showed up at the old science building, it felt like everything had changed. Everyone was a lot more serious, but I also felt a lot more welcome. Like I belonged.

  Drew helped me give them what they needed for collateral. I feel this weird sense of trust with him now. And I know he will use it only if absolutely necessary. But I also feel like he was completely understanding about how hard it was and how scary. I feel like he truly cares.

  Katy and Warren hugged me, and we all promised to protect one another. Then they gave me a new lab coat and a pair of goggles. Warren took my hand (!!!!) and led me over to the first station, and my first official lesson in making meth began.

  Over the next three hours, I was on a different planet. It was just us and the reactions of chemicals, the only real magic there is. But to be honest, it wasn’t even about the chemistry. Or that what we were doing was going to make us rich. It was that I felt like a part of something, and not just any part, but a truly integral part. I felt needed and wanted.

  And when we were done, Warren walked me back to my dorm. :)

  October 3

  I managed to do two steps of the process completely by myself tonight. Warren stood there watching me, like a proud parent or something. And I was proud of myself too. In a way this is some of the hardest chemistry I’ve ever done. It’s not that I can’t understand it. No, it makes perfect sense the way the chemicals mix and break down and react. It’s just that everything has to be perfect and precise; otherwise it won’t be Science Club–worthy. Apparently there’s some competition that isn’t so careful and doesn’t produce excellent results every time, but the Science Club prides itself on being consistently superior. That’s our gimmick, if it can be called that and if our specific type of product can have gimmicks.

  Warren handled the rest himself, but I could tell he was happy and maybe a little bit surprised at how well I did. He said he’d be back tomorrow, same time, and would love it if I could help. Of course I agreed. He walked me home again.

  Emily asked me if I’d been with Warren and I told her yes. She didn’t say anything else, but she seemed so judgmental about it. Maybe even angry. She told me she had to run to the AV building and left, but I think she was just trying to get away from me for a while.

  I’m going to have to talk to her about it. I like Emily and I want to get along, especially since she seems so lonely, but Warren is a part of my life now. Hopefully he will be an even bigger part. I need to figure out why she dislikes him so much. I hope it’s not something that will be a Big Deal or anything. I’d like to be her friend, but I can’t be as isolated as she is. I can’t go back to that, and I can’t let whatever happened to her dictate my friends here at Prescott. I need people.

  Oh, also, Drew told me tonight how much of a cut I’m getting.

  Yeah. I’m going to be able to buy all the flats I want.

  October 5

  Mr. Callahan had me stay after class again today. He wants me to apply for a chemistry program for high school students that would mean spending most of my summer at Princeton. Of course I was flattered and I said yes, but I have to admit, part of me is super excited about possibly spending the summer with Warren. Or near him, if he’s still doing the science program there. Perhaps it’s even the same program?

  Mr. Callahan said I’d have to keep my grades up in all subjects because entry is determined by GPA and a few other things, like an essay about your career goals and recommendations from teachers. I’ll be fine in everything but English, so I’m going to have to work extra hard in that. I know, I know. I write all the time in this thing, but give me a literary metaphor to explain or a story’s theme to dissect and I cannot put a proper sentence together to save my life. I’d much rather deal with numbers and formulas. Even the guesswork with those is logical. English makes no sense!

  I’ve been in the Science Club lab almost every night this week. It’s mostly just me and Warren who cook, but Drew sometimes pulls out some rubber gloves and helps. Katy, for the most part, is just there to keep us company and to talk to our customers. Last night she quizzed me on Macbeth while I worked. When I got the answer wrong, Drew would make this annoying buzzer sound and shout out the right one. Apparently his talents lie in the written word. It was funny and made studying tolerable, but I got too many wrong. I’m going to have to study hard for the midterm.

  When Drew and Katy left, I asked Warren if they were together. They seem to be a little . . . overfamiliar sometimes. Warren laughed and rolled his eyes and said that they weren’t together, in spite of themselves. I told him I was sure most of the girls at Prescott would be relieved to hear that.

  Warren, quietly: Yeah. Drew never lacks attention from the girls. Hell, some of the boys.

  Me: Well, he’s cute and smart and charismatic. That’s everyone’s type, right?

  Warren, even more quietly: And is it your type?

  Me, with a shy but hopefully suggestive glance in his direction: No. I prefer stoic over charismatic, actually.

  Warren, smiling and looking down at his hands: Noted.

  We were quiet and kind of awkward after that, but when he walked me back to my dorm, he put his arm around me. He was warm, and I fit so well, and he smelled great, like subtle spices and ocean waves. Probably a very expensive cologne. I have to admit, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, just a few flirtations that amounted to nothing in the end, so I didn’t know what to expect. Would he try to kiss me? Would he go for the mouth or just the cheek? Or should I kiss him? I was super nervous and even more nervous since I didn’t know what to do. In the end, he didn’t try to kiss me, he didn’t even hug me, but it’s okay. Honestly, just his arm around me was the sexiest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

  October 6

  Well, I officially feel terrible. I think Emily assumed we’d be spending another Friday night watching movies and eating popcorn. She started talking to me this morning at breakfast about possible themes for tonight and I had to break it to her that I actually have plans with Katy. I mean, she took it okay, but I could see she was disappointed. She just kind of sat there drinking her orange juice quietly.

  Then she said: So are you part of their group now?

  Me, trying to keep my face neutral: What group?

  Emily: You know. Katy and those guys. Drew and Warren.

  I noticed she didn’t call them the Science Club, but she could have just been keeping that a secret, like I’m supposed to. I told her that yeah, I guess I’m part of their group now, and she asked me why I’d want to be.

  Me: Why not? They’re fun. And smart.

  Emily: And snobby. They’re only friends with themselves. They don’t hang out with anyone else. I’m really surprised they let you in, no offense.

  I defended them, of cours
e, which only made Emily double down. Again, I had to wonder if Emily had been cast out of a social group, maybe even the Science Club itself, by the way she was acting. The weird thing was, I realized she’s right: I’d never seen any of them associate with anyone outside the Science Club. They talk to other people here at Prescott, but it’s not like they’d ever invite them anywhere with us. Half the time we’re in the lab.

  I wonder how much of it is really snobbery and how much is just secret keeping?

  I do feel bad, though. Emily reminds me a lot of me at my old school, without any real friends. What I could STILL be if I hadn’t decided to join the Science Club, I guess. At least I have them now, and thank goodness for that, but Emily doesn’t seem to have anyone.

  I think I smoothed things over by offering to spend most of Sunday watching movies with her, but I’m not sure. I didn’t sit with her at lunch. I didn’t see her at lunchtime at all, actually, and I probably wouldn’t have sat with her anyway. Warren patted the seat next to him when he saw me walking through with my tray, and draped his arm over the back of my chair. Katy raised a brow and gave me a look, so I guess we’ll be talking about that tonight.

  October 7

  I feel awful, but I think last night was so worth it. We met at the lab, me and Katy. Drew and Warren were already there. Warren looked AH-mazing. He was wearing this dusty-blue turtleneck sweater, all studious and preppy and sexy. How does anyone manage to make a turtleneck look hot? And it was super soft. Cashmere, he said. Some brand name he told me that I don’t remember. All I know is that when I leaned against him, it felt so wonderful on my cheek.

  Drew passed out our shares. My first “paycheck.” I can’t even believe how much money I have right now. New shoes are definitely a must, and maybe something for Bex. Maybe I can even get Drew to drive me over to Campbell and give it to her in person.