Breaking Bailey

by AnonYMous

  It wasn’t anything related to school, though. Good or bad. It was a giant vase of purple hyacinth. There was a card, and I opened it and read it to myself several times.

  Bailey:

  I was a giant asshole last night. A giant STUPID asshole. Please forgive me?

  Love, Warren

  I tucked the card back into its holder, smiling. I asked the school secretary what I should do with the flowers and she told me to take them back to my dorm and then come back to class. So I took them to my room and I’m here now, enjoying a moment with them. They’re gorgeous, and they smell so wonderful, plus I got out of most of first period. The fight was terrible but . . . maybe this is a sign that he’s trying, and he does love me. At the very least, he understands how terrible it was.

  March 20, later

  Well, I think Warren and I are okay. He told me that his brother is just a touchy subject and he tends to get overly emotional when he’s brought up. I told him I was just worried about him and that I still am, and that I sometimes feel like I don’t know what’s going on with him, and he promised me he would talk to me more about everything. We held each other for a long time at the lab tonight. Not really talking, which was probably the safest thing we could have done, but just leaning on each other. He asked if I liked the flowers, and I really do. They’re sitting here at my desk, all cheery and bright and perfect. Mom would have loved them, I think. She liked girly things, so the purplish pink would have suited her.

  I wonder if Mom would have had that superpower that some moms seem to have, that they can tell if a guy is right for their daughter or not.

  The thing is, I really love Warren and I know he’s got a good heart, and I think he wants the best for me. But there’s something about the way we fight . . . I feel like the fight always turns on me. And I just never feel like I get the whole truth from him. Just bits and pieces of it. That’s how I feel about Emily sometimes, and really the Science Club too. It makes me feel a little like I’m still on the outside of everything, which was what I wanted to avoid with joining the Science Club in the first place.

  I’m probably just overthinking as usual and making myself depressed, so I’m going to go to bed and try to rest.

  March 23

  It turns out I’m not that far down on the waiting list for the Princeton summer program, and Mr. Callahan was able to get me bumped to the top spot, so as long as I can keep my grades up, I’m in if anyone drops out or can’t go.

  I feel so much better about everything right now because of that. For some reason, my whole perspective is more positive. I feel like I’m actually doing okay with all the work, school and otherwise. It’s like the perfect reward for how hard I’m working, and all the hours I’m putting into everything, school and otherwise.

  Well, that and the money. It keeps rolling in like it’s the tide or something. I’m literally to the point where I don’t know what else I really could buy. I’m not out of uniform enough to justify a huge wardrobe (plus the closet space in the Prescott dorms seriously sucks), and I can wear only so many pairs of flats. I bought a few new coats for myself and sent one to Bex as well. I wish I could have made the time to go visit and deliver it in person, but I’m way too behind with schoolwork and the lab to give up a weekend day.

  Maybe it’s time to start thinking of a little trip. Spring break is perfectly nestled between third and fourth quarters this year. Most likely, Dad won’t want me home so he and Isa can be gross and happy together, and Bex will probably have made plans with all her new friends. But should it be only me and Warren? Or should we include Katy and Drew?

  Hey, maybe a little trip together, all four of us, would push Katy and Drew together. For real.

  Okay, I’ll bring it up at the lab later, assuming everyone will be at the meeting tonight.

  March 23, later

  Tonight it was just me and Drew for a few minutes. Katy was late, as usual, and unusually, so was Warren.

  It’s silly, but it’s hard to remember that I actually thought Drew was cuter than Warren at first. I guess I’m so into Warren, all I see when I look at Drew now is a friend. Or Katy’s potential boyfriend, which is considerably more important.

  Me: How long have you and Warren been friends?

  Drew: Since Campbell, really.

  Me: So you knew him before his brother died?

  Drew, shrugging: Yeah. I only met Mitch once. I went home with Warren one weekend because Mitch was home from college. But he was pretty messed up already. And I mean, Warren totally didn’t exist.

  Me: What do you mean?

  Drew: His parents acted like they only had one son. It’s no wonder Warren’s so screwed up.

  Me: You think Warren’s screwed up?

  Drew: Yeah, don’t you? I mean, I love the guy, but he’s got serious issues. I’m surprised he even told you about Mitch. Usually that’s verboten. Especially with girlfriends.

  Me, suddenly curious: You make it sound like he’s had a lot of girlfriends. Has he? I mean, how many are we talking?

  Drew, shaking his head and laughing: Nope. Huh-uh. Against the bro code. You’ll have to ask him yourself. But why? Obviously it’s different with you if he trusts you enough to tell you about Mitch. My advice? Don’t worry about it. Digging around like that is asking for a ride on the pain train. Let it go.

  Me, deciding to let it go (for now anyway): So . . . are you worried about him? I mean, do you think he’s okay?

  Drew: Warren’s okay, Bailey. He deals with shit his own way. Seems to work for him. That’s what we’re all doing, right? Just trying to deal with shit in our own way.

  Drew was right, I suppose. I know I’m certainly trying to deal with things in my own way, and I can hardly blame Warren or anyone else for trying to deal with them in his. I thanked Drew for the chat, and we spent a few minutes joking about teachers or a few of the ridiculous rumors around school. When Warren and Katy showed up, the lighthearted atmosphere in the room changed. Warren and Katy had obviously been fighting. But Katy, in typical Katy fashion, pulled out her lipstick and applied a fresh coat, and plastered a smile on her dark lips.

  Katy: So what are we talking about?

  Me: Drew was going to update us on numbers and probably insist that Warren and I increase production again. (Everyone chuckled, and the tension dissipated somewhat.) But more importantly, I wanted to ask about spring break.

  Katy: Ooooh, I like this subject much better.

  Me: Do we have to keep the lab open? In other words, any chance of us all getting away for the week?

  Warren: I love the way my girlfriend thinks.

  Me: I was thinking of somewhere secluded and warm.

  Warren, pulling me to him and stealing a kiss: I REALLY like the way my girlfriend thinks.

  Katy, shooting Drew a rather seductive look: I like the way she thinks too.

  Drew started talking seriously about production then and what we’d have to do to be able to take time off but also keep our buyers happy. What it amounted to, realistically, was that Warren and I would have to work our asses off in the weeks leading up to it so that we could have enough of a supply to take time off. Drew and Katy said they’d pitch in, if we thought they could measure up to our standards. Warren and I exchanged a look, silently communicating that we doubted they could, but we agreed to keep an open mind. It would be worth it if we all got to go somewhere together.

  Then the conversation turned to plans. Wouldn’t you know, Drew’s family has a time-share in the Cayman Islands?

  I am just full of excellent ideas.

  March 25

  I just keep screwing up with Warren. It’s like I can’t help myself. I must be incredibly bad at being in a relationship. I mean, what’s wrong with me???

  First, I asked him what he and Katy were fighting about, and he kind of shrugged it off like it wasn’t a big deal. Asking isn’t a crime, right? Seems pretty normal in a relationship. But when he wouldn’t say, I kept pressing him about it. He finally admitted
that it was about two things. One, they’d fought about Adderall. Katy wanted him to get her some, and he wasn’t comfortable with the idea so he told her no and she went off on him. The second was the expansion of our sales. Warren isn’t very happy about having to do so much of the actual delivery and thought Katy should take over, but she refused, and they said some pretty nasty things to each other. He reiterated how selfish Katy is, saying that she’s willing for everyone else to take a risk but won’t take any herself.

  I trusted my gut and didn’t ask about the expansion, again. But for some reason, my stupid gut asked Warren if he’d been the one to give Adderall to Katy for the first time. Honestly, it’s been bothering me that he’s given me something that is so addictive, and so easily. And he’s done it twice. It made sense in my head that maybe he’d given it to Katy, too. But when I asked, everything changed.

  The look in his eyes was clearly a warning, but he did answer me. He said that it was actually Drew who’d brought out Adderall the first time. So I guess maybe it really is as common as Katy said, if even Drew does it? Everything seems so easy for him, even easier than Warren, so it makes a lot of sense.

  But something was nagging at me. It was the way Warren and Katy were late, and how they seemed to truly despise each other on occasion. It reminded me too much of . . . well, of Emily and Warren.

  So I asked Warren, flat out, if he and Katy had ever been a thing. And if maybe leftover feelings were why they fought.

  It was just as bad as the other night, if not worse. He accused me of not trusting him. I tried to defend myself, saying I’d heard that he’d had a lot of girlfriends, and then of course it became about how I must be gathering information on him, like a spy or something. At that point I’d lost any control of the conversation and it was in a spiral. I kept trying to defend myself or tell him it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, that I just wanted to understand, but it seemed like everything I said just dug me deeper into the hole I’d made for myself, so I gave up and started crying.

  That’s when Warren apologized and pulled me into his arms. He told me over and over that there was nothing with him and Katy and that anyone who came before me didn’t matter. He said I was the only thing that mattered now. He said he just wanted me to be happy. Then he asked me if it was all right if he took a Percocet to calm himself down.

  Yes. He had more of them. I don’t know when he got them or if maybe he didn’t give me all of them in the first place, but when I told him it was okay, he pulled one out of his pocket. His hand was shaking a little as he put it in his mouth, and I felt terrible then for even bringing any of this up. He’s working just as hard as me, harder, really, and then I go and put him on edge with all of my insecurity and immaturity. I apologized to him over and over and he held me for a long time as I cried more. He finally got me to smile by talking about spring break, and I felt like things were going to be okay.

  I think the stress of everything is getting to me. And I’m just so afraid I’ll lose Warren. Like, any minute some cuter/richer/smarter girl is going to take him away. He’ll wake up and realize he’s wasting himself on me or something. Me, the girl who can’t handle Prescott academics and can’t even get into Princeton’s summer science program. And obviously, every girl around me could be the one who does it. Katy’s so gorgeous and sophisticated, and even though she seems to be really into Drew, she’d be the obvious choice. I’d like to think I’m cuter than Emily, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering where Emily goes all the time, especially when it’s while I’m not with Warren.

  I’m such a mess. God, it’s like I cannot keep it together at all. The Adderall helps me with energy and focus, but how do I get rid of paranoia and jealousy? Do they make a drug for that?

  Sadly, I’m not even sure I’m kidding about that question. If something like that was available, I’d take it in a heartbeat. I just so want things to be easier than they are. I’m so tired of things being so hard. . . .

  March 26

  Got the BEST compliment from Katy today. Drew and Warren had to run into town (I know, not even on a Friday, but business is booming) and so we tagged along and went shopping. Naturally, because all we can think of is being on the beach with our boyfriends (okay, whatever Drew is to her), we tried on bikinis.

  Katy looked amazing in everything she tried on, because of course she did. And I tried not to think about how that meant Warren would be seeing her in a bikini but whatever. She finally chose a retro-looking suit that was like something a pinup would wear in the forties. Kind of sailory, with a bow at the chest and little sailor stripes in blue and red.

  I tried on a few that were a little flattering and some that were terrible. But when I walked out of the dressing room with a gold string bikini on, Katy shrieked and said it was the one.

  She walked around me like she was inspecting a racehorse to purchase or something, and proclaimed: “You lost weight!”

  And I have to admit, I’ve never been one of those girls to obsess about the number on the scale or even the number inside of a dress, but I looked at myself tonight in the mirror and I could see hip bones, and my stomach was super flat, and I looked pretty good (for me) in the bikini.

  Me: Maybe skipping a few meals in the cafeteria is paying off.

  Katy, winking: Maybe it’s all the extra cardio you’re getting with Warren.

  Me: Ha! I wish. We never have enough time alone.

  Katy: The beach will fix that. So will this bikini. He won’t be able to think of anything else.

  Me: You’re sure this is the one? I mean, it’s not like I can’t afford it, but it’s pretty steep for a swimsuit.

  Katy: Oh, it’s definitely the one. You look SO sexy in it. Plus, Warren’s such a geek, he’s going to think about Star Wars and Princess Leia, and trust me, that’s a fantasy every geek boy has.

  Me: You’ve sold me. As long as I don’t have to put my hair in buns.

  Katy, laughing: Nope. Not a good look. Okay, well, as long as we’re shopping for vacation, I think we both need to hit up the lingerie, yes?

  So Katy dragged me off to buy more things to tempt Warren with, and I admit it, it was fun and kind of hot to think about him seeing me in a pretty bra-and-panty set. I have a few cute things to wear, but nothing like what Katy talked me into buying for the trip. Warren is going to LOVE IT. I’m not sure I’d have bought it normally, but the comment about losing weight? I mean, it was a straight-up shot of self-esteem for me. Katy’s not fat or anything, far from it, but she also has some curves that I don’t. I have practically nothing up top, and I’ve always been self-conscious about that, but if I’ve lost weight, what I’ve got going for me is a flat stomach, right?

  I don’t have a scale in my dorm room, so I have no idea how much weight I’ve lost, but I did try on a pair of shorts that I wore last summer for a comparison, and I could pull a few inches of material from around my waist.

  I wonder if Warren’s noticed?

  March 29

  I called Bex today. It’s been too long, and I just needed to hear her voice. I almost called Dad, too. Almost. But I wasn’t ready to talk to him about spring break yet, and I figured it would come up because he’s probably anxious to know what my plans are so he can make plans of his own. To be honest, I just didn’t want to hear the hopefulness in his voice when he asked if I’d already made plans.

  So it was just Bex I talked to. She sounds SO happy. I’ve always been a little jealous of her because everything comes so naturally to her. She got all the cool factor our family had to give, I think. But tonight especially, I was super jealous of her life. She’s so happy. So stress free. So INNOCENT. She doesn’t have to worry about all the stuff I have to worry about, like her boyfriend dumping her for someone else. Or making enough product to keep a business going and keep everyone’s pockets flush. She’s not worried about keeping on top of classes and getting into Ivy League schools or summer programs. And I know for sure she’s not worried that all of it is going to explode one d
ay because someone finds out something they shouldn’t have.

  She thanked me for all the gifts I’ve been sending. She said she’s pretty much the most stylish girl at school when they can be out of uniform. (I’m not sure she really is. She prefers wearing sporty clothes, things I’d work out in. That’s her regular style.) So I’ve sent her all the best brands for workout clothes, and maybe it’s a trend at Campbell. I know here Katy wouldn’t be caught dead in yoga pants unless she was actually doing yoga.

  Bex asked me tonight where I’m getting the money. Somehow (maybe the Adderall?) I was sharp enough to come up with a fake job: I told her I’m tutoring underclassmen on the side for some extra cash, and the students here pay top dollar. She thought it was so cool that I’m doing that and didn’t ask any more questions. So, phew. I felt bad about it later, but it’s so much better than telling Bex the truth. Not only do I not want her to know, she CAN’T know. Not only because I have to protect her from it but because . . . what would she think of me? What would she say? She’d be so let down, and I can’t face that.

  She did say she’s thinking about traveling with friends for spring break, and so I told her I’m going somewhere with mine, too, and my boyfriend, and she’s under strict instructions not to mention the boyfriend part to Dad.

  She’s actually thinking of New York, which would be amazing for her. But she said she’s totally jealous of me going to the Caymans. So . . . I guess we’re even. Ha.

  March 30

  Today was both great and terrible.

  The terrible part was English class. My teacher asked me to stay after class. Warren skipped out, luckily, so he didn’t see her ask and doesn’t know. And I don’t think I’ll tell him anything. After all we’ve been through (really, what we’ve put each other through) the last few weeks, I don’t want him thinking there’s another thing I can’t handle. Or that he’s going to have to do even more to pick up my slack. So I’m just going to have to work harder.