There but for The

by Ali Smith

  It is a wise man not found anywhere on the world wide web, the Japanese girl told Anna.

  It sounded like something you’d find on a slip of paper inside a fortune cookie. Anna nodded a thank you. Maybe the girl meant the dishevelled-looking man. He didn’t look that wise. He looked more homeless. The Japanese boy was sharing hot water he’d boiled on a small gleamingly clean Primus stove with him.

  They gave me their umbrellas, the man told Anna. For when it rains. To keep. They’re retractable.

  He put his hands in his pockets and brought out a compact umbrella in each hand.

  Let it rain, he said.

  The child knew the teenage girl over on the planks. She took Anna’s hand and pulled her over to the girl. The girl took one earphone out.

  Oh yeah, the girl said, you’re Anna K. They’re so waiting for you. She’s in a state because you didn’t get him out of there this morning.

  She put the earphone back in.

  Anna mimed taking an earphone out of her own ear. The girl blinked. Then she did as Anna asked.

  Thanks, Anna said. Will you do me a favour and tell your dad I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, and that I wish them both all the best?

  You mean, me talk to them about something? the girl said.

  I don’t mind how it’s conveyed, the actual message, Anna said.

  The girl put the earphone back in her ear, got her phone out and started texting.

  The child jumped up and down. She took Anna’s hand and pulled like a dog on a leash.

  Which window? Anna asked the child again. Then she went over past the Japanese girl, who was filming the backs of the houses. She got as close to the house as she could get, right up against its back fence. She leaned over it, put her head through the head-sized gap between the rows of razor wire. She brought her arms carefully through.

  She cupped her hands round her mouth and she shouted up between the coils of blade.

  Miles. It’s me. I’m here.

  There was once, and there was only once. Once was all there was, even though it was the year 2000 and it was the future and they were an advanced race wearing silver space suits (for that classic 60s “Apollo” look) and driving around in point-nosed cars exactly like the ones that featured twenty years before on TV shows like the one called Tomorrow’s World. Even so, even here, now, in the future, there was no getting away from that faraway nostalgic look in everybody’s eyes.

  It was very annoying, the boy thought.

  The boy was a paragon of modernity. He had the expensive shoes with the rocket-jet-propellers coming out of the heels that made it possible to fly to the record shop, to which, had it been twenty years ago, he’d have had to walk. He had his special injection packets lined up in the fridge-freezer for cancer and heart disease and flu and the common cold and pretty much everything that could go wrong with you. He had the extra limb that everybody could now have if they wanted (he’d chosen to have his new limb protrude from his forehead. This was so he could hold a book when he was tucked up in bed and turn its pages without untucking his hands, which were keeping warm under the covers—innocently under the covers. He was a good clean boy. Though he wasn’t a saint. And anyway now, obviously, all pubescent sexual desires and urges were taken care of with 25mg per night of Junior Calmit, which you could buy at any good chemist’s, and was made by Shake n’ Vac, who had done a manufacturing about-turn shortly after floors became self-cleaning).

  In short, he had every mod con.

  But he looked at his mother, who’d been married to his father for all those years, and all he saw in her eyes was a curly-haired eighteen-year-old called Albert, which wasn’t his father’s name, and who’d once, when she was sixteen and on holiday in the Isle of Man, whistled a tune every time he passed underneath her chalet window all that summer fortnight to let her know he was there and he was waiting for her.

  He looked at his father, and all he saw in his eyes was a double image of a dark and deep and still pool in the river near where his father had grown up; it was back before the rivers were ruined, and in both those pools and both those eyes there was a silver fish the length of his father’s arm, and his father, aged twelve, who’d sat night after night waiting to catch that fish, was, God damn it, still sitting in the long grass at the side of that non-existent river right now in the far future.

  He tried the eyes of some people he knew less well. He looked at their next-door neighbour. She had been hit by a bicycle when she was a young woman back in the ancient 1970s and her leg had been shattered, and even though she had a perfectly good new leg now all there was in her eyes was the fast flash of an afternoon of dancing at the wedding of her sister, when she’d been so fast and light on her originals, the feet she’d been born with, that it was as if they were winged.

  He looked in the eyes of the neighbour who lived on the other side. This man’s eyes were terrifying because there was nothing in them but swastikas, and the images at the back of his eyes were, the boy decided, a place he himself would never choose to look again.

  He couldn’t look in his grandmother’s eyes, because she had died and been buried without the necessary inbuilt computing system they’d launched in the year 1990 so that you could access the inner photo albums of the departed and leaf through them—just like, in the past, you’d have done if you’d gone to their house and a relative had handed you the album.

  No one had yet solved the way of communicating with the dead. But when they did solve it, the boy thought, what would be the point anyway? All the dead would ever probably say, no matter what you asked them, would be, “Ah! once!”

  The boy had known a girl who had died. She had been in the same year as him in the Young School. They’d sat together at the same Project Table; he had done Extinct Mammals (tigers and otters) and she had done The Old English Sycamore (the name, once, for a tree). Last year the girl had gone to bed one night and the next morning nobody had been able to wake her up.

  It was a total mystery.

  There weren’t many mysteries left.

  Most of all the boy wanted to look into that girl Jennifer’s live eyes and see what was in them. There was no other girl’s eyes he wanted to look in, which was annoying and irrational. There would have been no point, obviously, in looking in her dead eyes, even if he could. They would just say, “ah, once,” etcetera.

  But before she had died she had been young, like him, and not yet been onced by life.

  Today the boy was taking his grandfather, who was a morose old man and didn’t get out much, up in a Pensionglide. They went up the public launcher on the side of the hill. Pensioners’ free airspace was from 10am till 12 noon, when less traffic used the skyway. There was a pretty good tailwind, and the Pensionglide went like a dream. His grandfather was in the back seat and the boy was in front, staring out at the blue of the sky and the stream of other pensioners going back and fore on the horizons of the turn of the century.

  “Grandad,” the boy said, looking ahead into the eyes of the sky itself. “You are meant to be old and wise, and I need badly to talk to someone older and wiser than me, but I’m afraid to look into your eyes in case I see the same old story I keep seeing in everybody’s eyes.”

  Then he realized the old man behind him was laughing. The old man was laughing so hard in the back of the Pensionglide that the little plane began to rock dangerously from side to side.

  But he wasn’t laughing at what the boy had said, because he couldn’t hear what the boy had said; the boy’s words had been blown away in the wind (and anyway the old man wasn’t connected to his HearHelp).

  “They forgot to give me my Senior Calmit, boy!” he shouted. “I never took my Senior Calmit! They forgot to give it me! I feel FANTASTIC. I haven’t felt this good in YEARS. Look!”

  His grandfather pointed down at his own lap in the cockpit. He looked back at his grandson with his face full of delight.

  “Christ! I wish your grandmother were a
live today. I wish she were here right here and right now, son! I’d hold her on my knee and I’d sing her such a fine old love song!”

  When they landed, and after his grandfather had badly but very energetically demonstrated a dance by the early film star Fred Astaire, flinging his walking stick from hand to hand and up into the air in front of a crowd of cheering pensioners on the runway, the boy returned his grandfather to the Old School gate to sign him back in. As they drew near, his grandfather grew morose again and began to shake.

  “Please don’t grass on me,” his grandfather said. “They’ll double-dose me if they find out.”

  Grass on me was old-speak for tell tales or betray.

  “Grandad, they probably already know,” the boy said. “If they haven’t seen it on their monitors they’ll have tracked it via their Spirit Levels.”

  But if they knew they gave no sign of it, and the boy said nothing, and when the grandfather saw that the boy wasn’t going to say, and that he’d got through the gates without being admonished or injected, he thanked the boy with his eyes.

  The boy looked into the old man’s eyes and saw something amazing all right. He didn’t yet know it but he would spend the rest of his life looking back and looking forward in search of it, the still-unpolluted source that feeds into every ruined river.

  This story is true and happened once in the future long ago.

  would a man in shutting himself in / be asking things to stop or to begin?

  Mark’s mother, Faye, had been dead for forty-seven years. Her most recent attention-getting device was rhyme.

  Mark walked through the park. He had forgotten how charming it was here. Would he be testing whether he’d be missed / would such inversion mean he’d not exist? this was interesting, because usually she was much ruder and cruder than she was being this morning. Also, it was quite unusual for her to ask questions. Questions demanded an answer, didn’t they? They asked for a response. Unless they were rhetorical questions; true, she often used those (“a rhetorical question is one which does not expect an answer or one whose answer is implied”: The Essentials of English, book of choice of the older boys at St. Faith’s for spanking the younger boys with, leaving a particular broad-natured pain ever afterwards associated with grammar). Mark went the long way, round and up through the woody place, to get to the Observatory, thinking it might be less steep. No, it was still notably pretty steep. He waited to get his breath back sitting on a bench opposite the place where one of the Astronomers Royal, or was it Astronomer Royals, had dug a well a very long way into the ground. According to the notice, the Astronomer Royal had sat down there under the surface, literally inside the hill, it looked like, watching the sky through a telescope. The well was fearfully deep.

  Then Mark walked round the side of the main house, stood for a minute or two in the little Camera Obscura, and right now he was standing just along from the Talking Telescope, leaning against the railing that overlooked the park he’d just traversed traversed ooh I can think of lots that’s worse / than meeting someone for a quick traverse there, that was more like her. He looked down the slope at the trees in their rugged neatness, the paths that met and crossed themselves, so elegant the way they seemed both planned and random, elegant too the white colonnades and all the grand old whitened buildings down at the foot of the park. The new business towers of the city shouldered each other beyond the river at the back of the view like a mirage, like superimposition. Greenwich. Then and now. He hadn’t been here for a long time. He should come here more. He loved it’s no surprise to me that you’re so keen / a place beloved of many an old queen and straight away as if to spite her he thought hard about the actual old Queen, the literal historical Virgin Queen, and the first thing that came to mind was something that had happened when she was the young Virgin Queen, where had he read it? He couldn’t remember, but the writer, whoever he was I hate to be reminding you again / that writers are not fucking always men described Queen Elizabeth the First quite unforgettably, dancing in the great hall in her favourite palace right there, right here in Greenwich all those hundreds of years ago, she was young and beautiful, pale and thin from having been ill, in fact she was convalescing after a lengthy illness, an illness that had at one point been bad enough to endanger her life, and she was enjoying the first real spurt of energy she’d had for months, had been out hunting, had come back flushed and happy and very much wanting to dance. So the hall had filled with courtiers and musicians and she’d dressed up; she looked, the writer said, like a great tulip as she bowed and turned, but her secretary, Cecil, pushed through the ranks of the dancers all round her, he had urgent news, and he told the Queen of England in her ear that her cousin, the Queen of Scotland, had given birth to a son. The Virgin Queen paled with shock, then flushed with shock; she stopped dancing; stood rigid. Then she, who was usually so controlled, so imperious, who was world-renowned for her imperturbability, turned and ran from the hall and all her panicked ladies-in-waiting followed bewildered in a great rush, their dance finery rustling as they ran, and when they reached her private rooms they found her collapsed and sobbing in a chair. “The Queen of Scotland is a mother of a fair son, and I am but a barren stock” cause that’s all girls are good for ain’t it birth / Gawd knows they haven’t any other worth but the point of this story, Faye, is: the next day regardless she was fine again, unruffled, greeting statesmen, doing her queenly political deals much the same as ever, because even when she met her worst fears, even when she met her demons, she was what you’d call a survivor, that old Queen. Out of sheer strength of character she survived, didn’t she, the vicissitudes of history.

  There.

  That’d annoy her.

  It did.

  Silence.

  Mark heard birdsong, could hear birdsong for several whole seconds, could hear the murmur of the people queuing up behind him at the meridian line, could even make out some of the things they were saying, before she roared back into his right ear with something of the force of a wind tunnel nearly knocking him off balance just wait you little bastard history / that made a fucking dunghill out of me / is waiting round the corner just for you / to turn you into tulip fodder too.

  Silence of the grave my arse, he said out loud.

  The couple with the small child, who had been standing quite close to him and had smiled genially at him when he arrived, picked up their child and backed away. They stopped and put down the child further along the railing.

  He was still waiting to see if there’d be any comment from her about his my arse.

  No.

  Nothing.

  Fine, he thought.

  He felt the usual: bullish, and a little disappointed. Me and my shadow. He stuck his finger in his ear and waggled it about to try and shift the wind tunnel effect. It was frustrating. Jonathan, gone for more than five years now, never said a word to Mark. It was only and always Faye. These days it was like being assaulted by a bag lady, an old tramp in a torn coat that’s come through fifty wars, who shouts like she long ago lost her hearing.

  This is going to sound weird but does she ever “speak” to you in any way? he’d texted David when mobiles were new and exciting, in a flurry which had simulated, for a little while, regular contact. David, with the annoying casual savvy of the younger sibling, had texted a whole long message back in roughly the same time it had taken Mark to remember which button to press to make a space between the words this and is. Evn f she did i woulnt answr blve me lfs so much bttr without it U R INSANE mark well spos ive knwn *that * snce I sw u that brkfst tm whn i ws 7 & u wr 12 & u apolgizd 2 th *toast * cz u hd chsn *cornflkes* ! ;-) David would never be so uncool as to use a semicolon properly in a text, or an apostrophe. Mark missed David. They weren’t much in touch now because David’s wife didn’t like Mark. This was because Mark had taken her side when she’d split up with David, had made sympathetic noises throughout the many drunken telephone calls and had even let her move into his spare room for
some of their time apart, all of which left her feeling humiliated at encountering Mark in any way after she and David got back together again.

  Regardless of time, memory, family, history, loss, it was an October mid-morning in Greenwich Park today. The sky held the mild threat of rain and the day was warm, about nineteen or twenty degrees, far too warm for this time of year, a flaunting of warmth before the battening-down for winter. How adaptable human beings were without even realizing it, slipping blindly from state to state. One morning it was summer, the next you woke up and the whole year was over; one minute you were thirty, the next sixty, sixty next year quick as a wink, how fast it all was. How quickly and smoothly, yet how shockingly, when you thought about it, the seasons and the years gave way to each other banal philosophizing for God sake / how long’s this sermonizing going to take / you sound like an old vicar on the make he blocked her by thinking hard of the beautiful image he’d sourced back in the spring for the autumn-winter edition of Wildlife. He’d suggested it for the cover, but no one ever listened to mere worker-bee picture researchers (they’d gone with penguins, again). It was a picture of a little gold-coloured bird singing in a field in winter somewhere in Italy. It was a close-up; the field frosty, the bird the colour of summer and so lightweight that it could balance itself on the bend of the stalk of a dead flower. But the really interesting thing about the picture was that you could see the song coming out of the bird’s mouth. You could actually see birdsong. Because the air was frosty the notes the bird had just sung hung there momentarily in the air like a chain of smoke rings and the camera had simply caught them before they disappeared.

  Winter. It made things visible.

  But today on this balmy day, even though he knew winter was so close, winter was actually unimaginable if I had known, when I was twenty-four / that you’d grow up such a godawful bore / well—what rhymes with back-street abortionist never mind winter, autumn itself was unimaginable, even though this was actually meant to be autumn, even though the leaves had already, this early in October, left the first of their gold-coloured edgings along the pathways down there yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawnyawn yawnyawn yawn / YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN but could you call it autumn if it was as warm as May? Could he really be nearly sixty, and still feel so like thirty? Yes, he felt thirty at the most, like someone trapped at the age of thirty inside the body of an old horse, at any rate trapped inside a slower body, a slowing brain, a newly paper-thinning skin, a maddeningly failing eyesight you self-indulgent bastard take a hike / at least you know what failing eyesight’s like / look at me I’m about three minutes long / like the way a whole year gets rammed into three minutes in that irritating I Just Called To Say I Love You Stevie Wonder song.